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This is the usual disclaimer. The following is a work of fiction and is meant to be taken as such. Profanity and nudity is presented within as well as TG themes. If such would offend you, please don't continue! Like a NASCAR driver, an author is just the person in front and would be nothing within the team behind them. My incredible team of editors and proofers include Holly Logan, H.E.R. and my loved one Paula. A special thanks to Angel O’Hara for just being herself!

Somewhat revised on 2/23/07 due to corrected grammer errors! Thanks for the sharp eyes Tracy Hide!

Strange Happenings
In Ragnarok County
By
Grover

     Well I guess you could say it all started about a week after the big Fourth of July celebration. Scooter and I were making a few extra bucks helping clean up the park in front of the courthouse. That’s where we heard Old Josh Taylor complain to Sheriff Daly about someone stealing his prize Rhode Island Red Rooster and leaving a young hen in its place.

     Always being on the watch for opportunities to make some money since we were on summer vacation, we overheard Old Josh offer two hundred dollars reward for the return of his rooster. Now we’re pretty decent trackers, so when they finished talking, I went right up to offer our services.

    Old Josh didn’t look too thrilled that the only help he could get was two high schoolboys much less ones who had our reputation for finding trouble, but I could tell he really wanted that rooster back. We made a deal that the two of us would meet him at his place after lunch if he would chain up that junkyard mean mutt of his.

    Scooter and I picked up the money coming to us for our work in the park and headed over to Max’s for cheeseburgers. Scooter’s Dad had been after him to get that fire engine red hair of his cut, but the ornery cuss he was, Scooter kept making excuses. It almost came down to his shoulders and he wore it in a ponytail, usually with his prized NASA ball cap. Hey, a teenager has to eat, doesn’t he?

     I didn’t blame him at all for dodging his Dad, because he had mean streak a mile wide when he was drinking, and was none too friendly even when he was sober. Scooter’s Mom was one of the best-looking women in the county, as well as a good cook, and why she put up with the drinking no one has ever figured out.

     “Bubba,” Scooter said, “Did you see those lights last night?”

     Munching on one of Max’s “MAX” cheeseburgers loaded all-the-way didn’t leave much room for conversations, so I just gave a shake of my shaggy blond head.  My Zebulon Mudcats ball cap was pushed back on my head, and nearly fell off. Hey, I know they’re only a minor league team, but I got the pitcher to autograph it!

     Well Scooter had all kinds of weird interests, from haunted houses to flying saucers, and I figured that was where this was headed. Sure ’nuff he got to talking about UFO’s and wondering if they had “abducted” Old Josh’s rooster.

     “Why in the world would Martians want to abduct a rooster for goodness sakes, Scooter?” I got out around a mouth full of chocolate shake.

     “First of all Bubba, there ain’t no Martians,” said Scooter, “NASA has had them remote controlled buggies running around up there for years and they haven’t found hide or hair of anyone at all.”

     Scooter is my best friend, but sometimes he is just too smart for our own good. He always gets the highest grades in school, and if it was anyone else you’d bet he was a teacher’s pet, Nope, not Scooter. It wasn’t even because he’d argue with a teacher if he thought they were wrong. Nope, the problem was that nine times out of ten he would be right, and a lot of adults have a problem with that, for all we would be juniors next year.

     “Folks have been seeing stuff up there for a long time, Bubba. I figure that there has to be something to it, even if we might not know exactly what,” Scooter said while working on his own shake.

     “Alright Scooter, what’s up? I know you brought this up for some dog-gone reason,” I said as I was finishing off the last of my fries. I was really wanting to get to tracking that chicken thief, because my half of two hundred bucks would be just thing to take Louise and Ann to the movies this weekend with a bit left over.

    Don’t get me wrong here; we weren’t going to beat up anyone or anything like that. As long as we found out who did it and told the Sheriff, that was good ‘nuff for me. Besides, if we just returned that rooster Old Josh might think we had stolen it to start with. No Siree Bob, telling the Sheriff was good ‘nuff.

     “Well, I thought while we were out tracking, we keep our eyes open for signs that a UFO landed.” Scooter put it to me.

     On our way out the door, I thought about it. Scooter had good eyes and it would be easier with him helping rather than letting him go off on his own for his “jack-a-lope” hunt for “little green” men. “Alright Scooter, as long as we’re out thare, it shouldn’t hurt to look for Martians too.”

     I could tell he wanted to correct me about the “Martians” but he had gotten what he wanted so he was willing to let sleeping dogs lie.”

     The weather man hadn’t been lying when he said that it would reach around hundred, but it wasn’t if we had much of a choice, because as “sure as shooting” an afternoon thunderstorm will come up and wash out the tracks. If we wanted that money we had to do it in the heat of the day.

    As we biked to Old Josh’s place, I was glad both Scooter and I were in good shape from spending the summer doing whatever odd jobs came our way. I was a little taller and heavier, but Scooter was the faster runner, and had better hand coordination. I always told him he should pitch ball but he refused saying he would rather read than play varsity sports. At any rate it didn’t take us long to get to Old Josh’s farm.

     We were careful because Damn Dog was mean. I don’t think it even had a name besides Damn Dog. It didn’t matter, because what we found was worse. Old Josh was on the warpath cussing and raising all sort of Caine. I would rather have had to fight the Damn Dog!

     It seems Damn Dog had run off and one of Old Josh’s steers (gelded male cow) was missing now. I was torn between trying to get him to increase the reward and the desire to “high-tail it” as far away as I could get. I swear that old man could “blister” paint off a battleship with that evil tongue of his!

     Scooter made up our minds for us, as he headed to the meadow to search for steer tracks. He had some peculiar ideas sometimes, and he didn’t think much of cussing in general. “Cussing is what you do when you can’t think of any other way to say something” was what he told me once.

    Well, we found where the fence had been, for all the world looked as if one of those county steam-rollers had “mashed” the fence down. I had my doubts that this was the right path, but Scooter was right when he said, “Even though we ain’t seeing any steer tracks, we’re following something that was making a pretty big “road” here in the woods.” Hell, even my baby brother could follow the hole it made.

     We followed it two or three miles when Scooter spied the first of the strange spoor our live-stock thief was leaving. It was a rabbit that was sleeping right in the middle of that weird “road.” Scooter stepped lightly and snagged it by the scuff of the neck.

     The rabbit’s eyes popped open and you could tell that we had scared the dickens out of the little thing. It did its best to get away but Scooter had a good hold on it.

     Then he started examining it. “Scooter what in the world is you looking for? It’s a rabbit!” I told him, anxious to get on with it. The sky had started clouding up and it wasn’t a good idea to be out in a thunderstorm.

     Scooter looked up at me and said, “Well it’s a young female rabbit alright, but look at the paws?”

     Looking at the paws I could see they were a pale pink, like a newborn’s and not the darker ones that a rabbit running around in the woods should have.  “Alright Scooter, that is strange, but what’s that got to do with our chicken thief?”

    He pushed up his NASA ball cap and said, “I don’t rightly know, but I think it is one more piece of the puzzle.” Scooter put the young rabbit down and it made some serious tracks of its own into nearest thicket.

     For the next half mile or so we found some more small critters, that were all for some reason just sleeping in the middle of that “mashed down” path. There were a number of squirrels, some more rabbits, and even a fox, always right female and healthy, with no visible scars.

     Then we hit the jackpot or so I thought. “Look Scooter, it’s Old Josh’s steer.” I crowed happily, thinking of reward money. It was sure ‘nuff marked like the steer we’d seen a dozen or more times when it had busted loose before. We ran up, and just like those critters the steer was sleeping. Being careful we woke it and started leading it back to the farm.

     “Uh, Bubba, you know we are going to have a problem with collecting that reward, right?” questioned Scooter, who seemed dead set on ruining my good mood.

     “Why’s that Scooter? Old Josh lost a cow and we’ve bringing  him a cow back, real simple.” I replied doing my best to ignore what I already suspected.

     “Bubba, he lost a steer. This isn’t a steer, although you do have the cow part right,” Scooter pointed out.

     We walked on for a ways leading the cow in front of us not saying a thing. Finally not being able to stand it any longer, “I didn’t see any tracks leading to or from where “Bessie” here was sleeping. Did you Scooter?”

     Scooter shook his red ponytail, no. “I didn’t see any sign around any of those other critters, either. You still think my UFO’s didn’t have anything to do with it?”

     Just knowing in my gut he was going to say it didn’t make it any better. “Well I don’t think someone used a road-roller to steal some farm animals. I suppose you‘re going to tell me what you think happened?”

     He looked thoughtful, “Well I’ve heard of cattle mutilations before, so I guess this could be some sort of the same. An experiment or something the aliens are performing.”

     I made an unconscious gesture to protect what all those critters were missing, but I really didn’t think he was right. “Scooter I’ve seen those shows too, and those cows are always dead. You’ve saying all these critters were male, and this thing took their wieners?”

      “I don’t know Bubba, we’re just going to have come back tomorrow morning and try again.” I was in complete agreement because I still wanted that reward money.

    By the time we got back to Old Josh’s, the Sheriff was there. I guess missing a rooster was one thing, and a cow another.  At first, Old Josh was glad to see us until he saw we had a cow and not a steer. He was getting wound up to have a fit, but the Sheriff stopped him, saying that we did what we should’ve done.

    Old Josh wasn’t too happy and Scooter had been right when he said we weren’t getting any reward money. The Sheriff did question us carefully, but following Scooter’s lead, I didn’t add anything about cattle mutilations or UFOs.

      With the storm coming, the Sheriff offered to throw our bikes in the back of his truck and give us a ride. Right then we heard barking, and sure ’nuff Damn Dog came running out of the woods just about where we had just come from. Predictably, Old Josh started cussing at it for letting someone steal his steer. That was until Damn Dog squatted to pee! The Sheriff broke loose in a loud guffaw while Scooter and I hid ours behind sniggers.

     “Josh” said the Sheriff chuckling, “I thought it was Damn Dog, not Damn Bitch!”

     Scooter and I gave each other a knowing look, because this Damn Bitch appeared exactly like Damn Dog, but for the lack of something “hanging.”

     For the first time in my young life I saw Old Josh at a lost for words. Even more so when Damn Bitch ran up to him just like Damn Dog would have, even with complimentary growls at Scooter and me. Even the Sheriff pushed up his hat and gave his head a wondering scratch.

   However the coming storm made everyone go for cover and the Sheriff gave us that ride he promised. It was the typical summer thunderstorm with a lot of lightning and rain, and as usual, it only lasted about an hour or so and then the sun came back out.

     We thanked the Sheriff for the ride and made plans to meet up tomorrow to try again, since it was almost time for supper.  I didn’t sleep too well that night, being excited about another try at that reward money in the morning. It wasn’t as if Louise was my girl or anything, but I was hoping! I think Ann had a crush on Scooter, but her folks weren’t too hot with the idea, with his dad drinking the way he did.

     Mom gave me a suspicious look when I knocked out my chores so fast in the morning, but she settled for warning me not to get into trouble. Scooter had a school bag over his shoulder and didn’t look like he slept well either. I suspected though, for different reasons, since his parents fight so much.

     Not wanting to pry but being concerned about my friend made me ask, “You okay?”

     Scooter’s ponytail bounced as he nodded, “They were fighting again,” he said.

     “Your dad didn’t hit you did he?” I asked.

    Scooter gave a sad small laugh. “No, Mom told him if he ever hit one of us kids, she would hunt him down and shoot him like a rabid dog. Besides, she hits him about as often as he hits her, but she uses what ever comes to hand.” 

     Changing the subject, I asked him what was in the bag, Scooter just grinned. “Stuff.”

     It was much nicer biking to Old Josh’s place in the cool of the morning because it was only eighty-five out. When we got there we got the welcoming growl from Damn Bitch, and saw Doc Johnson the vet taking blood samples from Old Josh’s animals.

     Old Josh gave us a sour look, but he called her off. I asked if any other animals had gone missing and he replied nastily, “Haven’t enough gone missing already?”

     Doc Johnson warned us to be careful, and I could see he didn’t want us poking around at all, but he knew we would just avoid him and would do it anyways.

     So we went into the woods, and despite the wide trail, the rain and quickly growing plants had obscured the path. Part of the strangeness about this was it had broken little to none of the foliage, just kinda pushed it aside.

     After spending most of the day in the woods I was glad when Scooter dug those sandwiches out of his bag along with some bottles of water. We did find some burned marks that Scooter was sure where UFOs had landed but after using this thing that he built for a science project he said that there wasn’t any radiation.

     I was feeling a mite let down when we dragged ourselves out of the woods at the end of the day, but Old Josh’s smirk made me determined to try again the next day. I was thinking that I would have a tussle with Scooter to get him to come back, but he seemed as eager as I was.

    This time I did remember to bring some lunch, and Scooter met me ready to go. We had almost made it to Old Josh’s when we got passed by an ambulance! We gave each other a look and leaned into it, racing to see what was up.

     Damn Bitch was barking like mad at the yard full of cars and trucks invading her territory. The Sheriff was there, and the county rescue truck too. What grabbed our attention was the screaming, cussing, young woman who was being wrestled into the ambulance!

     I was spellbound, hearing her use language that would make a sailor blush, but Scooter grabbed my arm and showed me the “buckshot” blast in the side of Doc Johnson’s car. Trying not to call attention to ourselves, we edged closer to listen in on what was going on.

     We had to be careful, because Deputy Dog was here. That wasn’t his real name but he was always bulling folks. It wasn’t a big pond, but it was his pond, and he was the big fish. Except for the Sheriff and the Judge, of course, but he always knew how far he could go without them getting involved.

     Doc Johnson apparently had some news for Old Josh, but when he pulled up; this young woman came out and shot at him. He had called the Sheriff, who had managed to disarm her. I couldn’t follow much of what he told the Sheriff, and I don’t think the Sheriff did either. Whatever it was had him real excited.

     I looked to Scooter, but he hushed me trying to gather in every word. When it looked like we wouldn’t learn any more, I tugged on Scooter’s arm and gestured for us to make tracks. He nodded and we took off because, we knew if the Sheriff and Deputy Dog couldn’t find us, they couldn’t order us home.

     We pedaled down the road a ways and cut into the woods trying to cross the trail. “Scooter did you catch any of that stuff Doc Johnson was talking about? He lost me after about three words.”

     “Well Bubba, I think I got most of it. First of all, that woman back there was Old Josh,” he said.

     “No, it couldn’t be!” I exclaimed, but there couldn’t be two people with such a foul mouth like hers. I was devastated. The way she was fighting and cussing, there was no way anyone was going to let her loose anytime soon. That meant no reward money, and no reward money, meant no money for dates or movies this weekend.

     Picking up my bike, I started out of the woods. When Scooter asked, “Are you going to let me finish before leaving?”

     Stopping I motioned him to go on.

     “Second,” Scooter picked back up, “All of the animals that were “taken” were indeed female, but DNA tests found that somehow their DNA has been “re-compiled.”

     Seeing he had lost me, Scooter, rephrased, “All the junk and unused stuff in their DNA has been cleaned away. This means they are healthier, more resistant to disease, and more likely to live long lives. Not only that, but Damn Bitch got hit by a car some years back and now there is no sign of even a scar.”

     “Scooter,” I sighed, “I can see that you’re all excited by all of this, but why should we run around in the woods with something that can steal something that is near and dear to my heart, without even the opportunity for a reward.” 

     “Well,” he said, “Think of the possibilities! There’s nothing on earth we know of that could do this, so it has to be from UFO‘s”

     “That’s not going to do it Scooter! This thing is dangerous, and I like playing baseball and don’t care for softball! I’ll rather have the chance to use what I got before losing them to some monster from Mars!

     Seeing how that wasn’t moving me, Scooter used his hole card, “Because you’re my friend and I’m asking you to?”

     “But that will,” I said, downcast, knowing that whatever was pushing him to go after this “thing” was important enough for him to pull the “friendship” card on me. I still didn’t like it, but he was my friend.

     Without another word, he turned and went into the woods. I followed Scooter having a really bad “feeling” about all of this. Once again, we found the “mashed” down path that a blind man could follow. I think we both saw “it” at the same time.

    I don’t think I really believed the bit about UFOs, Martians and stuff. That is until I saw this “Green” Blob that sorta rolled along. It was almost a letdown, because it didn’t have fangs, tentacles, or claws. It was, just, well, a translucent “Green.”

     There wasn’t any doubt that this was what we were looking for because we could see small critters inside it. They just looked like they were sleeping nothing gross or anything.

     I looked at Scooter and whispered, “Now what, Agent Mulder?”

     He reached into that bag he’d been lugging around all week and produced one of those cheap disposable cameras. Disabling the flash, he started taking pictures. Me, I was just hoping that when it “grew” teeth and came after us that he wouldn’t forget I couldn’t run as fast as he could!

     Then we just sat there and watched it meander around the woods for a while. Every now and then one of the critters inside would “drift” to the edge of the blob, and it would gently leave it on the ground. We got to see the other end of the process as Scooter called it when it “touched” a squirrel and it just went limp. Then it just rolled over the top of it and the squirrel was inside.

     I was confused because it didn’t make any what I could call aggressive movements, but then it wasn’t from around here, so who knew how it was acting. What was even more confusing was how fascinated by this thing Scooter was.

     “Hey Scooter!” I whispered, “Are you alright? You’re acting a little strange.”

     “I’m fine, Bubba. I think it’s some kind of scientist or maybe a sampling machine,” he replied without taking his eyes from it.

     “Heck, if you don’t count “whacking” their wieners off, it is just a friendly visitor from another planet. Oops, did you need that?” I was only half joking. This “blob” made me uneasy, and nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

     That was when I saw Deputy Dog coming up the trail. I grabbed Scooter and pulled him out of sight. Peering though the bushes we could see he had a shotgun, and was stalking our “Green” Blob.

     I was afraid that Scooter would try to warn the “cotton-picking” thing, but he seemed content to continue taking notes. We were both wondering what Deputy Dog was going to do and he didn’t make us wait long to find out

     Bam!, Bam!, Bam! went the 12 gauge shotgun and just like he was on the firing range, he loaded another three shells. He could’ve emptied the shotgun for what good it did him, because all the buckshot did, was kinda make “splashes” on the “Green Blob”, and then it hurried away!

     I do mean hurry, because it could really move when it wanted to. However, Deputy Dog hadn’t decided to call it a day yet. He ran after it, still trying to finish reloading.

     Scooter sighed, “Well, so much for friendly Alien relations.”

     Well there was a reason why we called him Deputy Dog and it wasn’t because of his smarts. Scooter and I both ducked as he just gave up and started blasting away! Bam!, Bam!, Bam!!!

     Out of pure luck like out of a bad comedy skit, this bird of all things got hit by old “Dead-Eye” and fell to the ground. The “Green Blob” stopped cold and extended what Scooter called a pseudo-pod to the bird. Deputy Dog still having two more shots left in his shotgun decides that this would be a good time to use them, Bam!, Bam!

     That was a mistake, because the next thing we know “Green Blob” is on top of Deputy Dog like a “snake on crap!” Blinking my eyes, I could see the good Deputy floating in that “Green” stuff and all of his clothes just kinda melting away.

     Scooter’s sharp eyes spotted the plastic and metal parts from the zippers and buttons just “fall” out of the “Green Blob” along with the shotgun. It then went back to the bird and “swallowed” it, too. Now that I knew what to look for, I saw the “buckshot” that had struck the bird “fall” out of the Green Blob like all that other stuff had.

      I was ready to bug out real quick-like, but damn it if Scooter didn’t have another camera in his bag and started taking pictures regular like.

     “What are you doing, Scooter? It’s time to get out of here! That thing just ate a deputy, and he had a shotgun,” I told him trying to keep myself calm.

     “Shhh! Bubba! This is important. We get to see just what it’s doing now. Here, you time me.” Scooter handed me his watch. Seeing he wasn’t paying me no mind, I half thought about taking off, but he was my friend, Damn it!

     So we sat there taking pictures as it moved around, looking at this and that. After about half an hour we could see that Deputy Dog was going to need a new name, but that didn’t alarm me as much as when the first helicopter flew over.

    I don’t think the helicopter saw us or the blob, but they sure looked liked they were looking for something. US Air Force was plainly written on the side and they were flying kinda low.  Seeing how no one had come to rescue Deputy Dog, even though I know everyone at Old Josh’s farm had to have heard the shots, I was thinking the Air Force had showed up.

     Deciding that it was time to try convincing Scooter it was past time to get the Hell out of here, I pointed out to him that it was getting dark, now in addition to the Air Force who would be carrying guns.

     I’m not a genius like Scooter, but I could see my arguments weren’t doing much good. “OK, Scooter, I give up. What are you waiting for?” I asked my friend.

     Scooter looked at me and said, “I’m waiting to see how the Deputy comes out of the Alien.”

    Wishing he hadn’t used that choice of words because of the visions of “chest-busters” and “Edgar-suits” they called to mind. Cursing myself for a fool, I knew I couldn’t abandon him here with that thing around, so I tried to be patient while the Green Blob finish digesting Deputy Dog.

     We saw a few more helicopters, but about another half hour passed before the person formally known as the Deputy Dog found herself sleeping in the middle of the trail behind the Green Blob. I just knew Scooter was going to try to get up close and personal and he did. Lying right next to her was the bird Deputy Dog had shot. Scooter nudged it, and it jumped up and flew away like nothing had happened!

     I must admit, as a woman, Deputy Dog was lot better looking! Of course she was naked as a jaybird and didn’t look older than maybe twenty years old, as compared to the Dog who was nearer forty than thirty.

     Not sure what was going to happen I held my breath when Scooter woke her up. She blinked her gorgeous brown eyes a couple times, looked at us, looked down and saw her “Bosom” and freaked!

     Scooter tried to ask her if she was all right, but she jumped up screaming something about “having tits” and ran down the trail like a scared rabbit!

     I turned and looked in the direction of the Green Blob, but it didn’t seem concerned about us or the naked girl running screaming away, though even in Ragnarok County that’s not something you see everyday.
 
     I turned back around to tell Scooter, since she was awake and headed more or less in the right direction, it was time for us to “Get” as well, but he was gone! Twisting about to find him, I saw him walking right towards Green Blob “shucking” his t-shirt and dropping his bag!

     ‘Oh Crap!,’ “Scooter what the Hell are you doing?” I yelled, running after him.

     Scooter handed his t-shirt to me, “Well Bubba, I think I’m gonna get myself caught and take a little nap.”

    “Caught? Have you lost your mind? What do you think you’re going do, commune with it somehow? Didn’t you see it take Deputy Dog’s happy bits away?” I nearly screamed at him, waving my arms.

     “Now just calm down Bubba. I saw what it did to that idiot and those animals. It looks like it was just making those DNA changes I was telling you about and not doing any mind control or other mischief. You told me yourself that the Air Force was closing in, and if I don’t do it now, I won’t ever be able to,” Scooter told me in a matter of fact way as he took off his jeans and boxers.

     “You’ve always known I was different, but you never gave me any grief about it even when my little brother tattled ‘bout me wearing some of my Mom’s under-things. Bubba you are a good friend, but I’ve got to do this. Hold on to these, will you? I’ll need them when I come out.” Scooter gave me his jeans as he walked away bare as the day he was born.

     I stood there wondering if I could drag him all the way home, or knock him out or something. The Green Blob had stopped moving and gave the impression as if waiting for him. “Scooter!” I shouted, trying to keep him from making a lasting mistake, but he gave this sorta half smile and said, “Bye Bubba.”

     Then he stepped into the Green Blob. I stood there shocked at myself letting my best friend commit suicide. That’s when another helicopter flew over and my wits started coming back.

     ‘Crap! If the Air Force catches this thing with Scooter inside, what were the odds they will just give him back? Not good, not good at all.’ I stuffed Scooter clothes into his bag and threw it over my shoulder. Looking about in the waning light I found a deadfall branch and began hiding our trail.

     Since we didn’t have a storm today, we didn’t have the rain to hide the Green Blob’s trail. I did the best I could to lay a false trail using Scooter’s bag to “mash” down the foliage.

     It was about then I saw some lights in the distance and I guessed the Air Force was coming in.  If you have ever been in the woods at night, it gets Damn dark! Thankfully, Scooter’s watch had a luminous face so I could tell how long it had been since he pulled his damn stunt! ‘Damn it, only a half hour?’

     Worrying that if some of the Air Force guys might have those night-vision goggles you see them with on TV, I would never see them coming. Not only that’ but wouldn’t you know that the Green Blob just had to glow in the dark?”

     The moon was coming up and the good news was it was a “Full Thunder Moon.” which was good for me. I could still see lights moving a little closer to me in a line, which meant they definitely knew about where the Glowing Green Blob was.

     I was down to praying that it would let Scooter go in time for us to get away before the Air Force caught us, when all the lights went out. Whispering to myself, “Now what?” as even Scooter’s watch faded out.

     It was just then that I heard a whine that made me look up. At first, I thought it was another helicopter, but helicopters don’t usually look like a Flying Saucer. Yes sirree, one genuine Flying Saucer, and of course, it picked tonight to come down and complicate my life.

    I didn’t know how much longer Scooter had to “bake” but I decided that I had better see what that Martian Saucer was up to. I made the best guess I could of where Glowing Green Blob was by using the Moon and the North Star and worked my way over where the Saucer looked to have landed.

     By the time I got to it, a little ramp had come down and one shor ’nuff Martian was walking down it. He looked a lot like those little guys from “Mars Attack” and was carrying what could only be a gun, and something else like a “Tri-corder.”

     You can bet your last dollar that yours truly wasn’t going to pull that stupid, “walk out to him saying welcome to our happy planet.” No way, Jose! Mama Bubba’s little boy was going hide here in the woods and pretend to be just another bush.

     Well he walked around a bit with that “Tri-corder” thing, and than did the damnedest thing with it. Starting near the ramp of the Saucer, he began laying a trail with something about the size and color of purple plums. He then slowly began making his way towards where Glowing Green Blob was with Scooter.

     I shook my head, wondering just how advanced these Martians was supposed to be. This was like something out of The Roadrunner, with Wily Coyote laying a trail of birdseed for the Roadrunner to follow back to the “trap.”

     Keeping low, I followed the Martian as he more or less headed towards Glowing Green Blob, but from the “crashes” in the woods, the Air Force was blundering closer, even without any lights.  I sure wasn’t the best in “wood craft”, and usually made more than my share of noise, but these guys made a herd of thundering elephants sound quiet. I guess the Air Force ain’t got much use for “stalking.”

     As for as the Martian, he had enough blinking lights on him to make a poor man’s Christmas tree. There were lights on his suit, and on most of the gadgets, he was toting. He didn’t seem to notice much, because he was so busy lying out his trail of plums.

     Daring to stand up and climb part of the way up a tree, no fun in the dark I can tell you, I could see where all three of my problems were going to collide, and that was trouble I didn’t need!

     I managed to find Green Glowing Blob before the other two did. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I had to change its direction somehow. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was get anywhere near this Green threat to my family jewels! ‘Scooter you’re going owe me so big,’ I swore!

     Abandoning my concealment and my common sense, I walked to within about ten feet of it. Even though I was scared enough that the “boys” had pulled up nice and tight, I was glad to see Scooter’s shape drifting near the bottom of the Green Glowing Blob.

     Just like when Scooter had approached it, the Blob stopped moving, and so did I. Remembering how fast it “jumped” Deputy Dog, I slowly backed away, hoping it would follow. When it did, I almost bolted from pure fear, but the thought of the woods full of men and Martians with guns made me think twice.

     Not wanting to look away from the advancing blob, I had to steal a glance up at the sky though the trees to get my bearings. It seemed like it took hours for us to move around behind the Martian, but I knew that Scooter only needed a few more minutes before he was “DONE.” Finding that thought disturbing, I concentrated on not stumbling over something in the dark.

     It was about then the first shouts started from the Air Force Guys. Someone shouted that they were the Air Force and for “you” to drop your weapon. I think it was gunfire I heard first, but I honestly can’t be sure, because whatever “Ray-gun” that Martian was packing had one Hell of a wallop!

     I could see these “huge” blue bolts flying all over the place and with the tracers and muzzle flashes from the Air Force it was “War of the Worlds” all over again!

     We were far enough away that not too much of it came close, but I did hear some bullets whistling past over my head. Hoping that the Blob wouldn’t react like it had when Deputy Dog shot that bird, I caught my breath when it hesitated, but then started after me again.

     I had what I hoped was a good idea and changed course to head for the Martian’s Saucer. It had occurred to me that maybe the Martian was after the Green Glowing Blob too, so that trail of “plums” might be bait of a sort. All I had to do was get close enough to the Saucer so when Scooter “dropped” I could cut across the trail of Plums and get it to follow them instead of me. Good idea right?

     Meanwhile “War of the Worlds” had ended the same way movie had, with the gunfire becoming less and less frequent until it stopped all together. A few more “Blue Bolts” flew about just to make sure I suppose, and then they stopped too. Not good!

     Thank God Scooter finally dropped sleeping behind the Glowing Green Blob and the Martian’s Saucer was in sight! Following my plan, and hoping that it wouldn’t speed up now it had gotten rid of Scooter; I crossed over the trail of the Martian’s “plums.”

    That was where things went south! The Damn Green Blob would rather follow me rather than the “plums!” I tried it again and saw in the “glow” that it was “picking” up the “plums” but every time I tried to “angle” away, it followed me instead of the trail of plums, Yikes!

     It was then the Martian showed up and I could just tell he’d had one Hell of a day. He was dirty and looked if he had fallen a time or two as well. He had his “ray-gun” clenched in his fist and it might have been my imagination, but I could almost see the “barrel” glowing from its recent use.

    I’m telling you it was one of those “caught between a rock and a hard place” moments, with the Green wiener eating Blob on one side, and the Martian fresh from slaughtering the Air Force on the other. His eyes widened as he took in the situation and then, didn’t the dang’ Martian start laughing!

     Well he was making this sound that was like someone strangling a frog, so I reckoned it was laughing. The Green Blob was getting a little close, so I tried to scoot a few steps away, but the Damn Martian raised his Ray-gun and I froze. Then he started laughing again!

     Oh yeah, he knew exactly the kind of “fix” I was in and he was just having a ball at my expense! I slowly raised my arm and pointed at his “Flying Saucer” and then at the Green Blob. He lowered his Ray-gun a tad and nodded.

     ‘Alright!, Maybe I can get me and my wiener out of here in one piece after all.’ I doubled tapped myself on the chest and then pointed at the “too Damn close” Glowing Green Blob and then back at the “Flying Saucer.”

     He was considering it I could see, and then pointed at his head and then mine. Wondering what he wanted I touch my Zebulon Mudcat’s Ball cap and damn if he didn’t gesture, Yes! Thinking nasty thoughts about Martians and crazy friends, I took off my cap and tossed it to him.

     The Martian picked it up and put it on his too large head and made a “be my guest,” half bow. I did notice right off he didn’t lower his gun much, so he didn’t trust me. That was fine, because I didn’t trust him either!

     The next five minutes were some of the most nerve racking ones I’ve ever had, but it was straightforward. All I needed to do was move to the Saucer and the Blob would follow. The next part however, was a doozy! I had to get the Blob on the Saucer without getting caught, and avoid being double-crossed by that Damn Martian.

     I took a second to form my plan and took a deep breath. The Damn Martian was still plainly amused by me and my plight. There was a tense time when he thought I was going up the “ramp” but I managed to calm him down.

     Standing there about half up the ramp, I waited for the Blob to get onto the ramp. Then I swung myself underneath it and ran like the Devil himself was at my heels! My short hairs had curled up waiting for one or the other of them to do something. I hit the edge of the glade and slid to a stop behind an old oak.

     That Damn Martian was laughing his dang’ butt off! The Glowing Green Blob that had start all this “cotton-picking” trouble had that dejected look a dog gets when he’s the butt of the joke, but don’t know why. How a blob could look that way is beyond me, but it did!

     It gave up and just shuffled onto the “Flying Saucer.” The Martian started laughing again, at the Blob I suppose. It then started up the ramp, but just before entering the ship still wearing my ball cap he said, “You’re pretty Damn funny, monkey boy!” The voice sounded just like a Hollywood Actor that I’m not going to name because it’s just too darn corny!

     Just like in the movies, the “Flying Saucer” hovered, folded up its “landing legs,” and took off! I had torn my jeans sometime during all of this and knew that I would be hearing from my folks about “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” All I could think about was, ‘Scooter you’re going to owe me BIG!’

     Not knowing how long it would take for the “Air Force’s Last Stand” survivors to get to me, I ran back to where the Green Blob had dropped “Sleeping Beauty.” The Yoke was on me because even in the moonlight or maybe because of it, Scooter was a genuine, double-take, eye-popping looker!

     It shouldn’t have surprised me, since Scooter’s Mom was a looker too, but I wasted time we didn’t have, gawking. I dug Scooter’s clothes from the bag and woke her. I was half expecting her to scream and run off like Deputy Dog.

     She opened her eyes and gave me a small smile. I pointed down at her bosom and held out her stuff. Then Scooter surprised the Hell out me again. She cupped her breasts and had such an expression of absolute contentment, that I knew I was going to be needing a cold shower. A Very Cold Shower!

     “Bubba!” I heard her voice for the first time. “Turn around! Didn’t your Mama teach you that you shouldn’t stare at naked women?”

     I thought about a reply to that one, but couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t get me in trouble, so I bit my tongue. Turning around instead I said, “We don’t have much time. The Air Force ain’t going to take kindly to that Martian shooting them up. You so owe me for tonight!

      “Bubba, how many times do I have to tell you that the Green Blob isn’t a Martian. Besides, what did it use to shoot them with? It doesn’t have hands!” Scooter objected while I kept my back turned.

     “Not that one. It was the other one that landed in the Flying Saucer which got into the fight with the Air Force,” I told her.

     I nearly jumped when her hand touched my shoulder, and she asked me, “For real Bubba?”

     Clearing my throat, “Cross my heart and hope to die truth. We have high-tail it quick like!”

     Turning around I could see she filled out her old clothes too darn well for my piece of mind, while telling myself, ‘This is Scooter! Stop staring at her you-know-whats!’

     She didn’t make it any easier when she put her hands on her hips and demanded, “Tell me you took some pictures of all of this?”

     Dumbfounded I just stood there until I saw some lights flickering on. “Oh shit, Scooter we have got to go!” thankful to be left off the hook. I grabbed her bag and we started running. It just wasn’t fair, Scooter had always been able to outrun me, and I was thinking that since she was a girl now, at least I would be able to outrun her, Hell No! It was me trying to keep up with her!

     We got back to our bikes, and she gave me a look when I headed back to Old Josh’s Farm. When we got there, it had even more trucks than this morning. A lot of them were Air Force, but most of the guys that came in them were helping their confused friends out of the woods.

     It seemed no one had gotten hurt after all, but they couldn’t remember how they got there. They all just suddenly woke up in the dark. I was just thankful that the Martian hadn’t “vaporized” them. I spotted the person I was looking for and went after him in the confusion.

     “Doc Johnson!” He turned around and I saw his eyes got wide when he saw Scooter’s make-over. “Doc, have you found those critters my Da’ let Old Josh borrow?” I asked him winking.

     He gave us a long look and I wasn’t sure he was going to go for it, but it looked like I had it figured right after all, when he asked, “You mean that hen, cow, and that dog?”

    I ginned, “That’s the ones Doc. I know that you’ve been running tests on the critters around here and you know that my Dad won’t mind at all you doing all the tests you want, at our place.”

     He gave the Air Force guys a sour look and said, “I’ll bring them by tomorrow but first I have some paperwork to “re-organize.”  Here, let’s get you a ride home.”

     My heart dropped when I saw him wave the Sheriff over, and the “look” the Sheriff gave me and the new Scooter, was one that I never want to see again.

     Doc Johnson said, “Sheriff, Bubba just came over to remind me to bring his father’s live-stock back tomorrow.  I have some paperwork to take care of. Can you give them a ride home?”

     They gave each other a hard look and I’m guessing that the Air Force had ruffled a few feathers. The Sheriff’s face broke into a grin as he made up his mind, “I’m a bit busy right now, but seeing how one of my deputies is “helping” the boys in blue with ‘tests,’ of course I can.

     He put his windbreaker around Scooter, to help hide how badly her clothes fit, and led us to his truck. I put our bikes in back, hoping that no one with a sharp-eye saw that they were both “boy” bikes. Everyone was still busy with the dazed survivors of my Martian’s rampage with his neuralizer, (Device from MIB movie that erases memories), gun so no one bothered us.

     The Sheriff gave a huff as we were leaving the farm, “I know I shouldn’t be surprised that one of you ended up this way. We’re lucky you both didn’t lose something you would rather not. My Deputy got changed too, and the Air Force hauled “her” away without so much as a thank you.”

     “I’m not going to let that happen to you because; we take care of our own here. I’ll talk to the Judge about keeping everything straight, so you two need to keep your mouths shut. Do you hear me?”

    Scooter and I both muttered, “Yes sir.”

     He then gave Scooter a long look as we stopped in front of her house, “Are you going to be able to deal with this? You father isn’t going to like this much.”

     Scooter with complete innocence said, “I’ve always been the brainy sort, so I don’t think being a girl is going to matter much. It’s going to be hard but Mama always wanted a girl, so I know she’ll help.”

    Dang’ I could almost see the halo Scooter was trying so hard to make appear! Scooter was a handful enough as a boy, and I was beginning to get the feeling that no one was ready for her as a girl!

     “Ya’ll, wait here while I talk to your folks,” the Sheriff told us, and he went inside.

     “Bubba, what was that about you wanting the livestock that got changed?” Scooter asked as soon as he was out of sight.

     “Scooter, you have always been able to out run me, but at the end you were always breathing hard. Tonight you out ran me and wasn’t panting at all. If all of the critters that got changed are like that and along with being female, we are talking about some damn fine breeding stock,” I told her, without thinking about what else I’d just said.

      Even in the light from the front porch, I could see her blush, and I got tongue-tied once it hit me what I said. “Scooter, I didn’t mean it that way!” I sputtered.

     She gave me a peck on the cheek, before I knew what was happening, and it was my turn to go scarlet! Geez, she hadn’t been a girl for a whole day yet and she was already confounding me! I was further along understanding what my Da had been trying to tell me when he had said, “Son, no one has ever figured out what’s on a woman’s mind.” What made it so bad was this was, ‘Scooter!’

     Scooter just gave real girly giggle, “Don’t hurt yourself Bubba! I can hear the gears grinding from you thinking so hard!”

     The door opened and I gave a sigh of relief for being saved from further teasing from my best friend. The Sheriff came out and told us that my parents had been phoned and told I was all right. He then told Scooter to go on in.

     I watched Scooter go inside and the Sheriff gave me a knowing look as he drove away. My folks were going to be so mad at me, but I had to know Scooter was going to be fine. Creeping up to the front porch, I heard Scooter’s Dad shouting and cussing about her being a fag and a lot of other things that I’m not going to repeat.

     It was then I almost felt it more than heard the “CRACK” that I just knew that Scooter had been struck. Reaching for the door to run in, I froze at the distinctive “CLICK CLACK” of a shotgun slide locking a shell home.

     “I told you, you sum’bitch if you every hit one of my kids, I was going shoot you down like a rabid dog. You hit me and I knock the “hell out of you” back, but you don’t raise a hand to my chill’ns!” Scooter’s Mom shrieked!

    The door flew open, knocking me over as her Dad leaped off the porch as a blast of buckshot blew a hole though the rebounding door! He ran smack into the Sheriff’s truck, as the sheriff had crept back with his lights off. I reckon he thought this might happen.

     Her Mom kicked the shattered door open and “jacked in” another shell, clearly meaning to follow though on her threat. The Sheriff got out of his truck in such a way that I knew he would long remember this day.

     “Now Mary-Ellen you put that scatter-gun away. No one is going to blame you for shooting at this drunken fool, but if you kill him, that’s a whole another story. Besides, it’s not right to shoot a man with his own gun,” the Sheriff told her.

     She was still in a temper but she gave a sharp laugh, “Not after the divorce it ain’t! He’ll be lucky if he keeps his drawers!” as she gave up the shotgun. “Since you’re here, you can help me with my new daughter. That sum’bitch smacked her in the face pretty hard.”

     I had already checked inside, and boy did Scooter have a shiner, but she seemed fine except for that. The Sheriff came in, looked her over, took some pictures, and had everyone make a statement. He watched me as I went home, and I knew that this time he would make sure that I really got there.

     To say my folks were a little mad at me didn’t come close to the truth. They’d heard the shot and met me half way. I was lucky that they did let me tell my part of the tale before rendering judgment. Da’ didn’t know what to think about the “live-stock” that Doc Johnson was going be bring over the next day if he could, but I put the best spin on it I could.

     I believe that the only thing that kept me from being grounded the rest of the summer was that they were glad that Scooter’s Mom had kicked “that Damn Drunk” out. That was the end of one of the strangest days I have ever had or even heard of for that matter.

     Well Doc Johnson did bring the “livestock” over, and just like I thought, they gave us some of the best stock in the county, although they had nothing but female offspring. Damn Bitch was a whole other story.

My Mom objected to the name so we started calling the dog Dee Bee. Dee Bee still didn’t care much for me, but she and Scooter came to an understanding. When it became was clear she would rather hang with Scooter than with us, that was fine, since she spent so much time at my house anyways. Scooter did get pictures when Dee Bee had her litter of pups. I swear that was the most peculiar look I have ever seen on man or beast.

     Scooter got a new name courtesy of the Judge, and her Mom got the divorce she wanted. Scooter wasn’t the only one to get a new name. About a month after that, “Day” Old Josh came back to town calling herself Jessie.

     My Da’ went over to Jessie’s place where we had been helping some of the other neighbors keeping up the place until we knew what was up. Jessie, it seemed, was fine with us having the livestock, but did insist on the choice pick of chicks and pups and the first calf.

     A few months later, she hooked up with a biker and got married, Go figure! No one knew what happened to the Deputy formerly known as Dog, until some pictures showed up in the Penthouse. Don’t suppose we will ever know that story, but the pictures did look like she was having a good time.

     That brings us up to now. I spent nearly every penny I had saved for the tux rental, but as we walked from my truck to go inside to the Prom, I was satisfied. The gorgeous redhead on my arm gave me a little strut to my walk, because I knew I had the prettiest girl in the county.

     I leaned over and whispered to her teasingly, “Scooter, when I said you owed me big this wasn’t what I had in mind.”

     Deirdre elbowed me and smiled, “Oh you haven’t seen anything yet, Mister College freshman to be, even if it did take me to tutor you to make that scholarship.”

     Thinking back about that day when everything changed, “Dee, what do you think Green Blob really was?

     We both looked up at the stars above as Dee said, “The answer to my prayers,” and we went inside to join the music and laughter of our classmates.

 ***

     *+#*@!, had a really bad day. First, a transport dropped a Moratian tourist on the wrong planet, and when he had finally run down the Smegging transport to find out where the lost Moratian had actually been dropped, it had been on a proscribed world!

     He had collided into some Smegged debris that the Smegging monkey boys left in orbit after blowing up some space junk, causing him to waste three cycles waiting for maintenance to bring him the right parts.

    All the while, the Moratian tourist had run around trying to talk to the locals.  Unfortunately, for them, Moratians communicate via organic molecule exchange. It had changed them because it was trying to help them “speak”  louder, ignorant of what it was really doing. The only good thing was the tourist was practically immune to all of their primitive weapons.

     When *+#*@! finally had located the Moratian, it was being stalked by one of the native tribes, and had gotten shot at with their primitive weapons for Smegs sake! No matter, he would have had to Synapse them anyways, but it had been amusing when the young hatchling had gotten the Moratian on his trail.

     The hatchling had led the tourist back to the ship, not knowing that it was just trying to ask for directions! Once it was on the ramp of course, the Moratian knew it had found someone to help it.

     The tourist couldn’t understand why *+#*@! was laughing at it. Thank Smeg for the translator. He really should have Synapsed the monkey boy right between the visual receptors but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. After all, they had made a deal he mused proudly, wearing the colorful native headdress. Such a clever little monkey!

The End!