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Shopping for Vaginas

Heather O'Malley

So…I always knew something was…off, but it took me a while to figure it out. You see it was a plumbing issue. I had been born with a spigot. I never wanted a spigot, but who asked?

Because of this deficiency I kind of became a touch…fixated. What can I say, vaginas are beautiful. Each woman is a delicate variation on a theme. I love watching them slowly unfold in desire. Their earthy aroma has the subtle differences of perfume. And the taste…but I digress.

So as I got older, I found out what I had to do to become the woman I was inside. Pills gave me breasts and curves but still the spigot remained. I had to take action to correct this.

The first place I looked was E-Bay. I typed vagina in the search field and a few things popped up. I found a couple of coin purses shaped like vaginas and some things that were unrecognizable as anything. But no real vaginas. It was disheartening.

My beloved and I decided to use the power of the internet to find my vagina. We read about the surgery first, so we knew what we were looking for.

They basically flip the penis inside out, like a slipper sock and put it in a section in the body that seems to be waiting for it. Part of the head of the penis, with all its nerves, becomes the all important clitoris and the fleshy bag for the balls turns into the lips. You spend a couple of days in the hospital waiting for things to heal so it doesn’t fall out. You know…any surgery that says you need an inflatable doughnut afterwards is bound to be a bit intimidating.

The question then became one of which surgeon would be able to give me the best vagina, the pussy of my dreams. For that we went window shopping.

I found about twelve surgeons scattered hither and yon. They all had pictures of their work available. I mean…how else could you window shop without displays?

A lot of surgeons were discarded due to technique and aesthetic reasons. They just didn’t look pretty and some just didn’t look real. This was going to cost about as much as a good car, so I wanted to get the best one. Granted, I couldn’t take one out for a test drive but I had some concerns. I couldn’t even kick the tires or look under the hood, so I read and we looked at pictures.

Photo after photo of constructed vaginas, with a couple of reference photos thrown in for comparison. We went from Doctor’s site to Doctor’s site, narrowing it down. This one built the labia well, that one had great success with the clit, and yet another did the hood well. It was difficult to select a single surgeon.

Since you can’t get a loan for a vagina, I have to wait to get mine. The choice is down to two. Their work is beautiful and looks like the vagina in my mind. I want it and feel it so much that I have phantom vagina syndrome. It’s just like phantom limb syndrome except that I don’t feel that…limb, I feel my vagina instead. I know it’s odd, but what can you do?

I do enjoy shopping for vaginas but I only wish there were a sale.