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No Half Measures

by Jenny Walker

Third Movement

(c) 2003. Authors note: Here is the next instalment of Cara's saga. Please, please, please don't read this if you haven't read the first two parts. Sorry that all the parts are so long, but if you take time to read them, I hope you will enjoy this tender and gentle story. If you have read the first two parts, you may want to reread them or at least read the last bit of part 2 as this kicks off straight where you were left hanging. Thanks. All comments and feedback are most welcome.

CHAPTER 17

I walked out onto the stage to rapturous applause. The lights went up and nearly blinded me. Through the glare, I could just about make out the sea of faces and bodies that had packed the auditorium. The heat from the lighting was overwhelming. I felt myself begin to perspire.

Jon walked over to me. "Are you sure you are OK?" he shouted into my ear, "You look awful."

I swallowed and murmured, "I'll be alright." I didn't feel alright though. I walked over to my microphone stand, forced a smile and waved at the crowd. I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me and it was all I could do to stop myself from grimacing. I heard Kevin count the band in and the music started. The stage began to spin and I heard a voice that sounded like mine say, "I'm gonna be sick."

The lights began to fade and Jon rushed over to me as I swayed, "Cara? Cara?"

"Cara? Cara, are you OK?" It wasn't Jon, it was Claire. I wasn't on stage, I was in bed. I did feel sick though and promptly threw up in the dish that Claire was holding in front of me. I was in the clinic.

"Are you OK?" she repeated softly.

I shuddered as another wave of nausea passed over me. I pushed my hair back from my face and grabbed the dish as I was sick again. After a few more retches, I lay back on the bed and enjoyed a temporary respite from the debilitating nausea. I groaned and croaked, "I want to die."

Claire smiled sympathetically and wiped my brow, "Don't be silly. It's just the after effects of the anaesthetic."

"What time is it?" I asked groggily.

"It's just after lunch. I thought you were awake earlier, but you were only semiconscious."

I shifted my position on the bed and another sensation entered my realm of newfound consciousness: pain. "Ow," I murmured. It wasn't excruciating, but there was a dragging sort of discomfort coming from my chest.

"Sore?" Claire asked.

"A little. Not too bad." I paused, "Did everything go OK?"

Claire nodded and smiled, "Yes. I was talking briefly to Mr. Stretton. He said the surgery couldn't have gone any better."

I nodded and forced a wan smile, "Good. Can I go home now?"

It was a poor attempt at a joke, but Claire humoured me and laughed, "Maybe later sis."

I looked down at my chest and there were two large mounds there. I peeped inside my gown, but my view was obstructed by a bandage.

"No peeking yet," Claire said with a twinkle in her eye, "All in good time." She turned to the table behind her and picked up a glass, "Want a sip of water?"

I did. My throat felt like a desert that was crying out for rain. I took a sip gingerly and then took another drink. I left it at that as I felt the demon of nausea begin to raise its horns again. I lay back on the bed, but before long had to reach for the dish again as I promptly returned the water I had consumed to the outside world once more. When it settled, I flopped back on the bed, "I feel like total crap."

Claire squeezed my hand, "Want me to call Marie and see if there is anything they can do to make you feel better?" I nodded and she slipped out. Marie came and made all the right sympathetic noises and asked how I was feeling. I didn't try to hide how bad I was feeling, I didn't think I could. She gave me an injection into my IV cannula. I asked what it was and she told me it was cyclimorph. It would ease the pain and nausea and perhaps let me get some sleep. I was sceptical, but was thankfully proved wrong as I felt myself drifting off to sleep before too long. I spent most of the rest of Sunday drifting in and out of sleep and wasn't too aware of my surroundings or of what was going on.

----------*----------

The next morning when I awoke, I felt one hundred percent better. It wouldn't have been hard given how I had felt the day before. My head felt fuzzy and my stomach wasn't on the best terms with the rest of my body, but it had called a temporary ceasefire it seemed. The discomfort in my chest was more marked. Given the choice, I would take pain and discomfort over the nausea any day.

"Morning Cara," Marie breezed in. "How are you today?"

I smiled, less forced than yesterday. "Much better. A little sore, but not too bad."

She nodded and asked tentatively, "Want to try a little breakfast?" She saw the expression on my face, "I think you should try to eat something. You won't feel better until you do." We compromised with me agreeing to try some tea and toast. I felt a little rise of nausea as I ate, but thankfully it didn't come to anything and I managed to keep my breakfast down. When Marie came back in to take the breakfast things away, I couldn't keep myself from asking, "Umm Marie? When do the bandages come off?"

She smiled warmly, "Can't wait to see Mr. Stretton's handiwork?" She sat down beside me, "You do realise that things will be badly bruised for several days and won't look anything like you expect? And the scars will have to heal?"

I nodded, "I know, I was just wondering. Oh, where are the scars? I remember he said beforehand that they could either be under the breasts, in the armpit or around the nipples. What did he do in the end?"

"The scars are under your breasts and if Mr. Stretton's previous work is anything to go by, in a week or two you will find it hard to see where they were. The large bandage will come off tomorrow morning and we will see how things are at that time. For now, I think we should get you up out of bed and onto your feet and get a little wash, no?"

With Marie's help, I tentatively found my feet and realised that I hadn't lost the power of locomotion despite my fears. I washed my face and felt much better for it. Any movement did aggravate the discomfort in my chest, but it really wasn't that distressing. I mentioned this to Marie, "I thought I would be in more pain afterwards."

"The anaesthetist performed what is called a rib block. He injected some local anaesthetic around the nerve roots that supply the skin and subcutaneous tissues of the chest. You probably feel a bit numb there. But I am afraid it will probably begin to wear off later today." She was right, I did feel numb on my chest now that she mentioned it. I hadn't really noticed it until now. The prospect of it wearing off was a little disconcerting, but Marie assured me that I could get painkillers later if needed. After washing I wanted to get back into bed, but Marie was having none of it. She made me change into a fresh nightdress and encouraged me to do something with my hair, maybe add a little makeup and then to sit in the chair and either read or watch TV. She smiled and told me I had to make myself feel human again. I took her word for it and did as she advised.

Claire arrived in midmorning and I was delighted to see her. I couldn't bear thinking about how I would have felt if I was here alone. I was really grateful for her presence and told her so.

"Pffft," she said as she waved a hand in my general direction, "You would do the same for me." I hoped that I would. She went on, "You're looking great, how do you feel?"

"Much much better," I said with feeling. We chatted and read, watched some TV - thank goodness for cable that provided channels in English. The few Swiss channels that we flicked through didn't appear too inspiring. At lunchtime I managed a light salad and at dinnertime I actually felt the faint stirrings of hunger returning like a long lost friend. The chicken and pasta bake that I was given tasted like the most delectable food on earth. The discomfort had built up throughout the day as Marie had predicted and I gladly availed myself of the proffered analgesics.

----------*----------

"Now, let's have a look," Marie said brightly. I had just finished breakfast and apparently it was time to remove the bandages and see what lay beneath. I had a strange mixture of feelings as Marie began to remove the bandages. A bit of apprehension and fear, but also the feeling that a young child gets as they strip the wrapping paper from a present wondering what will be inside. Wisely Marie had encouraged me to take some painkillers at breakfast in anticipation of this moment. It was uncomfortable. At last the bandages were off and I found myself looking at my breasts. My very large breasts. There was a fair amount of bruising, but nonetheless, I was looking at a shapely bosom. I was a bit perturbed at the size of them. Marie noticed.

"What's wrong Cara?"

"Uhh, I was just wondering, they seem a bit bigger than what I was expecting?"

She nodded, "There is some swelling as a reaction to the surgery. It will settle in the next few days. Now let me look at the scars. I am going to have to lift each breast up in turn and it may be a little painful." She was right. It was quite uncomfortable, but I gritted my teeth. When she was done she nodded, "Everything is coming along fine, I have rubbed a little antiseptic cream onto the wounds and covered them with gauze. Now, you get to wear your first bra for your new breasts, but I am afraid it is not the most fashionable." She showed me the surgical bra which looked like an unrefined reinforced harness. She helped me slip it over my head and gently placed my breasts into the cups. She assured me that it was required for just a few days until the swelling went down and to let the wounds continue to heal.

Claire joined me before long and we spent another long day chatting and watching TV. Time was beginning to drag and I apologised to Claire that she had to spend a week of her leave in such a boring fashion. She again told me not to worry about it. I knew she was keen to see my new breasts and she dropped hints accordingly. I smiled and firmly told her that she could see them in a few days perhaps once things had settled down. I was beginning to go stir crazy in this room and when Marie came in later that afternoon, I almost began to plead with her.

"Marie, I'm going crazy here. Is there any way I can get out of here for some time tomorrow?"

She laughed and nodded, "I'm sure we can accommodate that." With what I was paying for this, I was sure they could too. She continued, "If you want, you could go out with Claire for a few hours tomorrow, maybe go out for lunch if you wanted?" It sounded good to both of us and was the only thing that kept me sane for the rest of the day.

----------*----------

Wednesday was a glorious clear and sunny winter's day and I was itching to get out of the clinic. However Marie wasn't going to be rushed. Again she inspected the wounds and seemed most pleased. "You are healing very well. I should think that you could wear an ordinary support sports bra by tomorrow after your stitches are removed by Mr. Stretton."

It was pure joy to get dressed in normal clothes. Even though it was just a simple blouse and pair of jeans. Marie warned me not to overdo it. If I walked too much, I could put too much stress on my chest and feel the worse for it. I did take her warning seriously, but I still couldn't wait to get outside. So when Claire arrived she barely got into the room before I took her by the arm and wheeled her around.

The air outside smelt sweet and fresh. It was crisp and cold, but I revelled in just being out in it and not cooped up in my little room. We walked down the Rue de Vidollet and then turned right and headed into the centre of the city. The sensation of my breasts moving as I walked was very strange. Yes there was some discomfort, but the feeling of movement on my chest was far from unpleasant. It was very different to how things had felt when I wore the breast forms. There had not been much natural movement with them I now realised. Claire in her typically intuitive way must have realised what I was thinking, "Feel good do they?" She grinned at me.

I laughed and reddened a little, "Well, yes. They do actually."

"Glad you did it?"

I nodded firmly, "Yes. Just as well you didn't ask me that on Sunday afternoon though. The answer may have been quite different."

We walked down to the lakeside. Lac Léman apparently is what it is called. Philistines like me thought its real name was Lake Geneva, but Claire astutely informed me of my error. Irrespective of what it should be called, it was beautiful. A crystal clear lake with hills rising from each side of it. And it was massive. We stood at the lakeside for about fifteen minutes as I drank in the scenery. Then we retired to a little café overlooking the lake and enjoyed coffee which then ran into lunch. Claire and I had talked a lot over the last few days. There had been little else to do. I felt a lot closer to her now than I think I ever had done before. I mentioned this to her.

She smiled, "Yes, I know what you mean. I'm sure a lot of it is down to time with each other, but I think there is something more. I'm getting kind of used to relating to you as a sister more and more. It's a different sort of relationship." I thought she was right and I thought I liked it. After lunch though, I had something else in mind.

"You want to go shopping?" Claire queried as she screwed up her face, "Don't you think you might be overdoing the whole girl thing a little?"

"No, it's not that. I have a few specific things in mind."

"Huh?"

I sighed and spelt it out for her, "I need some new bras."

"Oh," she said as the penny dropped.

We avoided some of the upscale lingerie shops as Claire suspected they would have wanted to measure me to get an exact fit. I didn't want to have someone measuring me yet as I was still a little tender. We found what we needed in a general boutique and I bought several new bras. Some practical and some that were well less than practical. I also couldn't resist buying myself a new top. It was a lilac low cut top that I knew would show cleavage. Claire laughed when she saw what I was at and made several comments using words like shameless, flaunt and the like. I didn't care. I bought one in black as a present for Jools. I couldn't come back from my 'holiday' empty handed after all.

It was late afternoon when we got back to the clinic and Marie chided me gently for being out so long. She asked me how I felt and when I thought about it, I realised that it wasn't so much my chest that was sore, but rather my lower back. I mentioned this and was quite puzzled by it. Marie quirked an eyebrow and informed me as to the effects of the extra weight I now possessed on the front of my chest. I was quite exhausted after the day's activities and decided to turn in early.

----------*----------

The next morning, I really felt good. My insides felt back to normal and my appetite was up to scratch again. I was permitted to have a shower as long as I kept the surgical support bra on and let Marie check the wounds when I came out. The warm water beating my body was luxurious and I felt properly clean for the first time in days. I subjected myself willingly to Marie's ministrations after I had dried off. She nodded approvingly, "It all looks very good. The wounds have united and I think Mr. Stretton will be most satisfied. I do not think you need the surgical bra any longer. Do you have a suitable one of your own?" I did and with her help, I slipped on a sports bra. It felt more comfortable and I couldn't help but revel in the sensation of holding my own breasts and feel them move on my chest. A lot of the swelling had gone down and the bruising was fading into the typical yellow brown colour. Whilst they were not as big relatively speaking with the diminished swelling, they were still not what you would call small. I thought they were overall probably a little larger than I had been when wearing the breast forms but I didn't think it would be noticeable. I really was very pleased. Marie noticed.

"You like them?" she said with a smile.

I grinned, "I do, is it that obvious?"

She nodded, "It is quite obvious. You should be pleased, they really do suit you."

"Thanks," I beamed. I dressed in a red polo neck top and black skirt and took a fair bit of time doing my hair and makeup. If all went well when Mr. Stretton saw me, I would hopefully be getting discharged later in the day.

It was just before midday when Mr. Stretton breezed in with a cursory knock on the door and Marie trailing in his wake. He was smartly dressed in a dark pinstripe suit. "Ah my dear Miss Malone! How are you?"

I smiled, "Very well thank you."

"Have you had any problems?" he asked.

I shook my head, "I felt quite sick after the anaesthetic and I've had a little discomfort, but it's all fairly well settled."

He nodded and rubbed his hands together, "Good, good. Now can I take a look at the end result?"

I slipped off my top and unclasped my bra and removed it. He moved in and gently examined my breasts. He lifted each one up and examined the wounds. Marie handed him a stitch cutter. I steeled myself in case it would hurt, but he deftly removed the stitches and I didn't even feel it. He inspected one last time and then told me I could put my bra on again which I did.

"Everything looks wonderful," he said and then winked, "Even though I say so myself. But seriously, you are young and healthy and heal well. The wound is in the skin crease just under your breasts and even now is barely noticeable. In a few weeks, even with close inspection, you will be hard pressed to find it. When the bruising fades, anyone would have difficulty telling that you have undergone surgery. Except for the fact that nature rarely hands out such perfect breasts as you now have."

I wasn't sure if he was complimenting me or his handiwork, but I felt myself flush nonetheless. "Thank you so much Mr. Stretton."

He smiled, "Are you pleased with the end result?"

I nodded and said emphatically, "Very much so."

He paused, "Now you might find they are slightly larger than a D cup which you had wanted. It is often hard to correlate the volume of implant with the resulting cup size so what I do is make a judgement as to which side it would be better to err on. In your case, with your form and figure, a larger breast appears very fetching and attractive. Certainly in my opinion anyway, so I hope you will forgive me if I have delivered even a little more than I had promised."

I laughed a little self-consciously as I pulled my top on again, "That's fine, I am very happy."

He shook my hand, "It was a pleasure Miss Malone, an undoubted pleasure. I'll let Marie sort out the formalities and you can be on your way this afternoon. I am so satisfied with things today that I don't think I even need to see you for a further post operative check. I understand you will be seeing Dr. Carson in the near future again so if there are any problems, she can get in touch with me. Farewell, my dear."

And he was gone, breezing on to his next patient. Employing him had been an expensive little manoeuvre but it brought to mind oft quoted words of my father, 'you get what you pay for'. He was right and all things considered, I was happy enough to write the cheque when Marie brought the invoice. I had thought that writing a cheque for fifteen thousand pounds when buying my car was quite something, but writing a cheque for twenty thousand pounds? It didn't seem like real money and I imagined that was what it was like when one had a lot of it. Did it devalue money? Does it make you value things less? I hoped not.

Claire arrived just after lunch to help me with my things as I was leaving. However she had her mind set on one thing. "Cara Malone, Nicola Evans, sister of mine: we are not leaving this room until you show me the results of this week's endeavour. I think you owe me at least that." She winked.

I laughed, "Alright, fair point." I closed the door and then sat down on the bed and slipped off my top. Claire whistled softly, "What a cleavage!"

"I suppose you want me to take my bra off too?" I asked.

She grinned, "Well, I want to see it all."

I sighed theatrically and slipped my bra off. Claire seemed impressed, "They are beautiful. Amazing. They look so natural. If that bruising wasn't there..." She thought for a moment and then continued, "Where are the scars? I can't see them."

I lifted my breasts up gently, "Underneath, look."

She looked, "Wow, I can barely see them. Impressive workmanship indeed." I grinned proudly and slipped my bra and top back on. Claire mused, "Almost makes me think about getting mine done." She cupped her own breasts.

"Pfft," I said, "you don't need any enhancement."

She grinned, "Well I didn't think so until I saw yours. So tell me, how much did this all cost? You have evaded that question all week."

I grimaced and told her and she blinked several times, "Wow. I think I'll live with my little C cups."

We both laughed and headed down the corridor with Claire carrying my suitcase. At the nurses' station I went over to Marie and hugged her gently taking care not to compress my breasts, "Thank you so much for looking after me and I'm sorry if I caused you any hassle."

She smiled and hugged me back, "Not at all Cara, you were a joy to look after. Good bye and who knows, maybe we see you back here sometime?"

I laughed, "Maybe, but I doubt it." We went outside to where Claire had a taxi waiting. It was going to take us to Claire's hotel. I was going to share her room that night as we were flying back to London the next morning.

----------*----------

We had a quiet dinner in the hotel and retired to bed in good time. I was still a bit low on energy and figured that was to be expected. We checked out the next morning and headed for the airport. The flight was uneventful except for the inevitable circling over Heathrow, and we touched down around lunchtime. The taxi dropped me off at Jools place and then took Claire back to her friend's house where she had left her car. I had asked her if she wanted to come in, but she was keen to be on her way and get home before dark. I gave her a hug, "Claire you are without doubt the best sister a girl could have. I can never thank you enough for this week." My voice wavered and I felt the dreaded emotion welling up and my eyes began to sting. Inwardly I cursed the effects of the female hormones and what they could do to me in situations like this. Claire was subject to the same problem. I saw her swallow and her eyes glisten. She hugged me tightly, and whispered, "Thanks." We decided to stop the goodbyes there before we both ended up in floods of tears. I stood and waved until the taxi turned the corner. I thanked God for a sister like Claire. She was determined and strong, yet faithful and compassionate.

I lugged my case up the stairs and winced as I felt a few twinges of discomfort from my chest. I set it down at the top and called out, "Anyone home?" There was no answer. I presumed Jools was out somewhere. I unpacked my things in my room and, tired after the travelling, decided to have a nap. When I came to it was late afternoon and I heard music playing. Jools apparently had arrived home. I yawned, rubbed my eyes and gave my hair a cursory brush. I walked out into the living room. Jools was sitting reading something.

"Hi Jools," I said.

She jumped, "Oh my god, Cara you scared the crap out of me. I didn't know you were here. When did you get home?"

I smiled apologetically, "Sorry. I arrived back about lunchtime and was tired so I decided to have a snooze."

She regained her composure, "Well have a good time?"

I grinned, "Yes, I guess I did."

Jools sat and smiled expectantly at me, "Well?"

I wrinkled my brow, "Well what?"

She sighed, "Did you get me a present?"

I laughed, "I knew you would be looking for a present. Let me go and see what I can find." I went and got the black low cut top that I had bought for Jools and brought it out to her.

"Ooooh," she said holding it up against herself. "Nice. A little naughty, but nice. Thanks I love it."

I nodded, "I thought you would." I casually added, "I got myself one too, but in lilac."

Jools frowned a little, "Erm Cara, it's sort of a little low cut. I'm not sure but it might sort of let your breast forms show."

I played along with her, "Oh, do you think so." I grimaced, "Yeah, hadn't thought of that. Maybe I should try it on."

Jools nodded, "I think that would be wise. Hey, where are you going?"

I turned, "No time like the present."

I went into my room quickly before I lost my straight face. I had a little snigger to myself. I knew I was being bad but couldn't help it. I took off my blouse and sports bra. I put on one of my new under wired bras and pulled my new top on. I checked out my appearance in the mirror and smiled broadly. As I thought. There was more than a hint of cleavage on show. I wandered back out. Jools was reading again.

"Umm, what do you think Jools?"

She looked up and set her papers down as she stood up and walked over. "Let me see...." She stopped and her hand flew to her mouth. Her eyes goggled and she murmured, "Oh....my.....god......I don't believe it.....is this some sort of joke."

I smiled and shook my head, "Afraid not."

She came over and took a closer look. "I don't believe it," she said almost accusingly, "What have you done? Holiday my foot! You're a little schemer."

I giggled, "Guilty as charged."

"Let me see," she said clicking her fingers.

"Jools," I protested, "That wouldn't be very modest."

"Oh come on," she said, "you know you want to."

I laughed, "OK well just this once." I slipped off my top, but kept my bra on. Jools marvelled, "This is amazing. I can't believe you have actually done this. How? Where?"

I put my top back on and sat down and talked Jools through it all. I apologised for not telling her but explained that it was a decision I had to take myself and that Claire was the only one who knew. She didn't seem to mind.

"Awesome Cara. But are you sure about all this? It's sort of pretty much an irrevocable step."

I nodded, "I know Jools. But let's face it, all the steps leading up to this have made this decision for me. I can't go back, heck I don't want to go back. So I have to move forward. I'm happy."

She grinned, "We're going to have more shopping to do. Think of all the things you can wear now. And just wait until the summer stuff is in the shops!" We laughed and chatted more as we organised a bite of dinner.

----------*----------

CHAPTER 18

I had rang Jon over the weekend to let him know I was back and to arrange for him to come round again the following week. He arrived mid morning on Monday.

"Hey Cara, how was the holiday?"

"Good, thanks."

He nodded, "Get up to anything exciting?"

If only he knew. "Nah, sort of quiet, relaxing, you know. You been up to anything?"

He shrugged, "Did the last two gigs with the guys last week. To be honest, I'm glad to see the back of them. They were starting to get to me."

I grinned, "I can imagine."

Jon knelt down and got his guitar out, "Let's play?"

That was the end of the small talk it seemed. We played through the five songs a few times to ensure that we still knew where we were going with them. We did, and it was tight. It was good to play again. Although I found I had to be more controlled with my guitar. If I forgot myself, it could knock against my breasts and cause a shooting painful reminder to me to be more careful. I did it again and winced.

"What's wrong?" Jon asked. He had noticed my expression.

"Uhh nothing really," I thought quickly, "I think I may have strained something."

"All that exercise you are now doing. Always said exercise was over rated," he replied.

I took the offered way out, "Yeah I guess it could be that." Although part of me sort of wanted to tell Jon what I had done, I felt it wouldn't exactly help. Things were stilted enough without me making him feel even more uncomfortable. I reckoned that he would work it out in time. Or not, but it probably didn't matter. Over lunch I tried to engage in the sort of normal conversation we once enjoyed.

"So Jon, seeing anyone at the moment?"

"Huh?" he said looking up with an almost startled expression on his face. I repeated the question.

"Err," he seemed flustered, "well, no not really. Not for the last month or two actually."

I grinned and teased, "What the mighty Jon Peters without a girlfriend. What has gone wrong with the world?"

He was rising to the bait, "There's nothing wrong. Been busy you know, and what are you trying to imply? That I'm some sort of womaniser?"

I shrugged and feigned innocence, "Oh nothing. Just strange, you don't normally seem to have any problem finding a girl." I looked up, "Hmm, maybe it's age. Is your hair thinning a little on top?"

He self consciously ran a hand through his sandy fair hair, "Hey, no way. Might be receding a little bit but that's all." He realised I was teasing and he laughed, "Nice try. I'm not going to rise to it." He paused and then raised an eyebrow, "Why? You seeing anyone at the moment then Miss Cupid?"

I smiled beatifically, "No, but then I was always the one who had the trouble getting the dates, unlike you."

He snorted, "I don't see it being much of a problem for you from now on."

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow, "Why not?"

The casual easy atmosphere that had developed with the familiar banter evaporated almost instantly. "Umm, well...you know. With the way you look and all now." He resumed eating.

After lunch we began to work on a new song. Jon had put together a few chords into a catchy riff on the guitar. It had a good beat and we played around with it and tweaked it about. He didn't have any lyrics or any ideas, but we soon had the music for a verse and chorus. I was humming along trying to find a melody and tried a few things. He made suggestions here and there and eventually, with me playing it out on keyboards, we had a soulful melody line. Still no lyrics though.

"No ideas at all?" I asked.

He shrugged, "Nope. You know me, not much on the lyrical front. You got anything in mind?"

I sat and thought, "I might have. You keep playing it over and over and I'll see if anything comes to me." He didn't have to be asked twice. I sat down with a pen and blank piece of paper. A vague concept had been floating around in my head. It had sort of been there over the last few weeks but never materialised. I closed my eyes and tried to focus my mind. The idea had been sparked off by going home to my family over Christmas.

The first thing I decided upon was the title. Normally it came halfway through writing lyrics or even at the very end. However this song was called 'Coming home' from the very first words. Now to try and find the rest of the words. Jon played, I thought, I scribbled and scored out. I listened, I hummed, I mused. I screwed up pages and threw them on the floor. I screwed up my eyes but decided not to add them to the paper pile. The words began to come and I slowly but painstakingly started to make progress. At last I felt I had it and nodded to Jon.

He stopped playing, "About flaming time. My hand is about to drop off."

I smiled, "Hey now, writing a song is a creative process, it's almost like creating a child."

He retorted, "Yeah it felt like it took nine months too."

I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed, "You look like such a spoilt little girl when you do that."

I inclined my head, "So you don't want to hear it then?"

He grinned, "Less with the huffing, more with the singing." I obliged.

"A small world, outside the great unknown, A life lived in close confines, Until you leave, set out on your own, Follow your soul's designs

Been so long, yet the time runs by, Don't even realise it's gone, Weeks pass, the years they fly, I'm always moving on:

Same old faces, Familiar places, As I drive down the main street, Corners where I Laughed and cried Shades of memories bitter sweet No matter how long I've been gone No matter how far I may roam Wherever my sun may set and dawn In my heart, I'm coming home.

Though you're away, a tie still binds, To the world you once had In quiet moments, the stillness finds, More of the good than the bad,

Try and resist, the ever present pull, A compass needle pointing north, In the battle, know your heart will rule, Emotions from the depths call forth:

Same old faces, Familiar places, As I drive down the main street, Corners where I Laughed and cried Shades of memories bitter sweet No matter how long I've been gone No matter how far I may roam Wherever my sun may set and dawn In my heart, I'm coming home."

After a brief musical solo, I repeated the chorus to finish. I looked over at Jon expectantly, wanting to see what he thought of it. He was doing his poker-faced thing that he often did. He was going to make me ask. "Well?" I asked, "What do you think of it?"

He nodded slowly and pursed his lips together. "Maybe it's a good thing," he said enigmatically.

"Maybe what's a good thing?" I wasn't sure if he was talking about the lyrics or something else.

He grinned, "Maybe it's a good thing you are so messed up if it makes you write lyrics like that."

I gasped and threw my pen at him, "Hey! That's not fair." I paused, "So you really like it then?"

He nodded and laughed, "Yeah, it's great. Seriously you have no idea how good it feels to be doing music that involves more than 3 chords and words of one syllable."

I smiled, "Did you appreciate the way that I alternate it from the general second person of the verse to personalising it in the specific first person in the chorus?"

He laughed, "Oh yes, sure. I really spotted that. Heck, what do I know? It sounds good to me and I think we have ourselves another song." I agreed.

----------*----------

"What are you looking at?" Jools asked as she looked over my shoulder. I was sitting at the kitchen table reading.

"Hmm? Oh nothing really."

"C'mon, what is it?"

"Hey don't be so nosy!" I pulled the paper towards me. "If you must know, I'm looking at the local jobs section."

She gave me one of her looks, "Huh? What the hell for?"

I shrugged, "A few reasons. One of which being money."

"Money? Are you losing it? Sure you got forty grand as an advance."

I nodded, "Yes fifteen of which was spent on my car and twenty of which was spent on these." I cupped my breasts.

Her eyes widened and she gave a low whistle, "Twenty grand? Are you serious?"

"I'm afraid so. It doesn't come cheap and to get it done privately and discreetly in Geneva carries a premium price tag."

"Twenty grand," she mused, "are you sure it was wise?"

I shrugged, "Yes, I guess so. I know it's a lot of money, but I think it's worth it. I mean you have no idea..." I stopped as I wasn't sure if I should go on.

Jools sat down beside me and prompted gently, "What? I have no idea what?"

I hesitated and looked away for a few moments before turning back to her. "You have no idea how much more normal they make me feel."

She screwed her face up, "Normal?"

I sighed, "I didn't think you would understand."

"Try me," she encouraged.

I thought for a moment, "I know I look good, but I've always felt like a pretender. Like it's a total charade and I could get caught out any moment. I don't like that feeling. I like the new me, I like the way I look - I'm not ashamed to admit that. But with wearing the breast forms, I felt like it wasn't quite real." I paused and smiled, half to myself, "But now, it's different." I looked at her, "You have no idea how much more feminine I feel by having my own breasts. I feel more secure, it's like it's less of a pretence, it's the real me. I don't know if that makes any sense."

Jools nodded thoughtfully, "It does. I mean if you view breasts as a fairly major characteristic of femininity. I don't think I really thought about it from your point of view though." She paused, "Are you OK Cara? I mean, this is all so strange and new, are you alright inside? You would tell me?"

I smiled at her and reached for her hand, "Jools, if I could tell anyone it would be you. But yes, I'm alright. It's still difficult. There are parts that are grand, I mean the whole appearance, clothes and makeup stuff. It's fine and I hate to have to admit it, but I love it. I sometimes think I should find it harder adjusting to how I look, but I don't. It is inside though that is more difficult." I sighed, "I can look the part, talk the part, act the part. That's just it; I guess it still is an act. Deep down inside, I'm not really sure about some things." I let my voice trail off.

"Like?" she prompted. I shrugged, not wanting to continue. She went on herself, "Like how you feel about others? Men? Women?"

I looked over at her and gave a wan smile, "Yeah, something like that."

Jools squeezed my hand back, "I don't know what I can say. But I'm sure given time, things will become clearer."

"I hope so," I murmured.

Jools smiled brightly, "Anyways, back to the question at hand, you don't really need to get a job for the money do you?"

I shrugged, "I've got a few thousand left yes, but it could be some time until there is any income from the recording deal, if any at all. It will still be a few months until a single is released if we get to that stage."

"But sure, there aren't many expenses what with you living here and all?"

I smiled. Jools was hard to divert. Like a dog with a bone when she got hold of something. I tried to explain it to her, "It's not just money. In fact, that's a minor part of it to tell you the truth. I'm looking for some experiences. You know, like as a woman. I've lived my whole life up to now as a man. I know about that, I've been there and done that. Now I'm trying to live as a woman, and it's all new. It's unfamiliar. I'm not used to it. I don't have much to draw on. I need some real life experience. I figure a job will give me that."

"What sort of job had you in mind?"

I sighed, "Well there won't be many opportunities for me. I mean, I'm not qualified for much. The thing I thought I would be most likely to get a job in was something like waitressing or the like."

"Wouldn't that be sort of scary?"

I laughed, "Yes it is. Don't make it worse. But I need to face these things. I can't go on living in this cocoon, all protected and sheltered. As much as I would like to. Pretty soon, if things work out, I'm going to be out there in the public eye. I'll have to interact and react to a lot of things. I just think it would be good if I could get used to meeting new people and interacting with them as Cara."

Jools nodded her head from side to side, "I think I can see what you are getting at. I'm not convinced, but if you want to go for it, fine."

I had circled a few potential adverts and I had planned to go and check them out the next day. I was a bit concerned about how they would view my lack of experience, but I didn't have much option. I could apply for sales positions in various shops, but to be honest the waitress option fitted in better with my plans. I could continue to work on the songs and music during the day and then work a few evenings a week.

----------*----------

And so it was that I set out into the city centre the next afternoon on my quest. I had spent late morning and early afternoon with Jon as we played, sang and experimented. I made my excuses and told him I was heading out looking for a job. He seemed bemused and puzzled as to why I would want to do this. I didn't want to get into it. The way we were communicating, or rather not communicating, I had little hope that he would understand my motivations. So I told him I needed the cash and yes I had blown most of my share of the advance. He wanted to know how on earth I could have spent so much money. I told him that the car and all the clothes, cosmetics and jewellery I was compulsively buying didn't come cheap. He seemed surprised, but that brought the conversation to a halt.

I had agonised over what to wear and had settled on smart and conservative. Well sort of conservative, but not dowdy. I wore a black suit with a knee-length skirt and white satin blouse. I styled my hair and added a little more than my usual daytime makeup. Attractive, but not over the top. I grabbed my list that I had drawn up and rode the Tube into the centre of London. It was all pretty much a waste of time. First I tried an upscale French restaurant. The manager was polite, but when I heard I had no experience, he lost interest. It was the same story with all the places I visited. No experience, no job. I felt disheartened as I stood in the rush hour crush on the Tube. Perhaps I had aimed too high. I had only selected really nice restaurants. The sort of places that were probably too nice for me to even want to eat in. I went back to the drawing board when I got home and lowered my sights a little.

The next day, I tried again. This time, I had gone for a less conservative approach. I went with a fitted white bodysuit, my black and white checked miniskirt and black suede boots. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror before leaving I again marvelled at how sexy I could look. I was feeling more and more comfortable about my looks and attractiveness. Sufficiently confident in my appearance, I tried to drum up optimism and I set out with a positive attitude. It didn't last too long as yet again I faced rejection after rejection. Steak house restaurants, casual diners, Italian restaurants - they all still wanted someone with experience.

After my latest kick in the teeth, a Thai restaurant in the Mayfair area, I meandered aimlessly. It was a bitterly cold February afternoon and I pulled my coat more tightly around me. I was going to give it up as a bad idea when I walked past another restaurant and saw the sign. 'Waitresses required - sense of humour more important than experience.' I perked up at that and took a closer look at the restaurant. It was called 'Trin's Dins'. I had heard of it. It was a restaurant-bar-club based on the St. Trinian's school movies theme. The waiters were supposed to be hunky men in school shorts and the waitresses dressed in the sexy school girl outfits made famous by the movies. I sort of recoiled as I thought it wasn't exactly what I was aiming for. Then I thought, 'what the heck, they would probably reject me anyway, why not give it a try?' So I went in and asked for the manager.

I sat and waited and watched the staff preparing for opening time. I noticed some of the waitresses in their white blouses. Varying degrees of open buttons, some tied over a bare lower abdomen. The skirts, if they could be called that, were quite short - again some shorter than others. Stockings and suspenders were often in full view. The waiters didn't even wear shirts! Just a tie hanging loosely around their necks. Their trousers were tight and some even wore shorts. Although it was February, it was very warm inside the restaurant. I imagined it had to be given the scanty uniforms. I had actually decided that I wouldn't stay and was just getting up to leave when my name was called, "Miss Evans?" I had decided to give my real name as I would need a valid National Insurance number if I got a job. I turned slowly and found myself face to face with a smartly dressed man in a business suit. He was of medium height, slightly balding and must have been in his forties. "Miss Evans?" he repeated.

I nodded and smiled, "Yes that's me."

His smile broadened as he took in my appearance. He held out his hand, "I'm Jerry Kingston, the manager here. I hear you are looking for a job?"

I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't feel I could just turn and walk away now. "Err yes, that's right. I saw the sign outside."

He nodded, "Yes we need waitresses. Why don't you come into my office and we'll talk."

I followed him into his office. It wasn't ostentatious, just business-like. He sat down behind the desk and indicated for me to sit opposite him. I was careful to smooth my skirt down as I sat and was aware of his eyes on my legs. He looked up and met my eyes unashamedly. He smiled, "Now what experience do you have?"

I shrugged and smiled apologetically, "I'm afraid I have none. So I'm probably wasting your time."

He shook his head, "Experience isn't necessary. As an established restaurant, we also feel it is our place to offer training and give people a foothold on the experience ladder. What's more important is if we think you would fit into our staff family."

I raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

He smiled, "Well, we are fairly relaxed; the staff get to work and enjoy themselves at the same time. The clientele come here for good traditional food, a bit of a laugh and opportunity to relax and wind down. Hence the sign outside, a good sense of humour is more important." He paused, "You've seen the uniform?"

I shifted a little uncomfortably in my seat, "Umm yes. It's quite revealing."

He inclined his head, "Do you have a problem with that?" I don't know what it was. It was something in the way that he said it that made it sound like a challenge. I rose to it.

I looked him straight in the eye and smiled, "Not at all."

He grinned, "Look I'm not one for interviews and references and all that. I pride myself on being a good judge of character. What say we give you a try? Two weeks probation and see how you get on?"

I didn't know what to say. I'd just been offered a job that I wasn't sure I wanted. However given my lack of choices at that moment I made a snap decision. "OK, that sounds grand, when do I start?"

He laughed, "That's what I like. Enthusiasm and drive will get you far in this place. Call by tomorrow afternoon and ask for Jenna. She'll sort out the admin stuff and arrange a schedule for you. I'll make sure an...appropriate...uniform is ready for you." He winked and stood.

I felt a little uneasy but stood and shook the hand he offered again. "Don't disappoint me now Nicola."

I smiled nervously, "Umm I won't Mr. Kingston."

He held onto my hand longer than was necessary, "Call me Jerry please."

"Err OK - Jerry."

----------*----------

It was a cold and frosty morning but I had decided I needed to get back out to some exercise. I had missed it. I had barely a twinge from my new breasts now and the bruising was in the fading away stages. So I set off with my new 'friends' firmly held in check by my sports bra. When I entered Wormholt Park I saw Kate at the far side. As soon as she saw me she ran straight over to me.

"Hi," she said breathlessly with a smile on her face. "Where've you been stranger? Thought you'd given up on our morning sessions."

I had already thought out an answer, "Sorry Kate, I've had a terrible bout of the 'flu and am only really feeling up to getting out for a run now."

She grimaced, "Yeah, there's a lot of it going about at the moment I hear."

I felt bad lying to her, but what was I going to do - tell her the truth? Well Kate, I'm really a man, or was and so I needed to nip off to Geneva to get me a pair of real breasts. Yes, I could see that one being understood and well received.

"Let's run," I said, "but go easy on me, I'm out of practice."

And so we ran. At a reasonable pace though. I felt my lungs burning and my legs complaining. Fitness sure is a fair weather friend. Ignore her for any length of time and she will drop you just like that. I was happy to let Kate do the talking as I had no breath to spare for such non-essential bodily functions. Before long I had caught up on the gossip from her office and who was doing what with who and the like.

"And the jerk had the nerve to ask me out for dinner on Friday night. I mean, we've both been working there for a few years. I know he's married and he knows I know that but yet he thinks he is such hot stuff that it's like I'd be privileged to go out with him. Men? I mean, do they have any perception of reality?"

I figured the question was rhetorical and just laughed sympathetically. We were sitting on a bench having limbered down after several circuits of the park. Kate looked at me, "So Cara, what about you? Seeing anyone at the moment?"

I felt like the proverbial rabbit in the headlights, "Umm no. Not at the moment."

Kate raised an eyebrow. "Really? I'm surprised. I'd have thought you'd be fighting the men off."

I laughed and waved a hand at her. "'Fraid not. To be honest, I'm too busy I guess. What with the song writing and practising, not much time left for a social life. And it's not likely to get better; I'm starting a new part time job."

"Oh? What are you doing?"

"Well, nothing dramatic. A bit of waitressing a few evenings a week to keep some cash coming in."

"Where are you working?"

"Trin's Dins. Doubt you'd have heard of it."

She laughed. "Oh I've heard of it. Been there once or twice too. So are you going to be wearing the regulation uniform?"

I grinned and felt myself flush a little, "Well yeah."

She nudged me, "Now that is something I think I might have to see." I wasn't sure if I imagined it or not, but I thought I saw her give me a wink.

----------*----------

As luck would have it, I got one of the more revealing uniforms at Trin's Dins. I wasn't sure if it was just random or if someone decided it specifically. However Jenna left me in no doubt that what I received was my uniform and personal modifications were not to be tolerated. She was a stern looking lady in her late forties. She might have been pretty once, but it was hard to tell as I had yet to see her smile. She was business-like, direct and expected to have her orders carried out to the letter of the law. I was given the run down on what I was to do, what I was not to do. What I was to tolerate from the diners and what was not tolerated. For example, I was to accept the odd lewd comment or gesture as being part of the job. I was not to offer 'any services not on the menu' as she put it. She sent me into the women's staff changing room to put on my uniform.

It wasn't a matter of being told how many buttons to leave undone on my blouse, there simply were no buttons where the top three should have been! A few weeks ago, there just would have been no way I could have worn it, but now it provided anyone who glanced casually at me with a more than adequate view of my cleavage. The blouse had ties at the bottom and when I tied them together my navel and lower abdomen were also put on view. Black fishnet stockings and black suspenders of course and an almost indecently short black skirt. I tried in vain to tug the skirt down lower, but it still barely covered my stocking tops. To finish off I had black four-inch pumps. I looked at myself in the mirror of the changing room and was shocked at how much of my body was on view. I looked sexy without a doubt. Far too sexy though. It was like a teenage boy's fantasy and I reckoned that was the image the restaurant was probably playing on.

I went out and met the rest of the staff. I felt very self-conscious. Most of the girls were nice except for one who seemed quite aloof. Mandy was her name. The guys were a little too enthusiastic in their greetings and I had to suppress a shiver as I became aware of them looking me up and down. In a sense, I could understand. A few months back if I had been in their position and saw someone looking like I did now and wearing what I wore now I would probably have been unable to stop myself paying more attention than courtesy permitted.

Jenna assigned us all our tables for the evening and gave us what I imagined she felt was a pep talk, but was more like a gruff sergeant major barking out orders before a parade. Her finishing line to us all summed it all up. "Go out there, work hard, look good and for god's sake don't screw up."

I had been told to shadow Linda for the evening to learn the ropes. Linda was a young woman about my age and of medium height with chestnut brown hair. Quite pretty but not a traffic stopper if you know what I mean. She was friendly though and for this I was glad.

"Nervous?" she asked.

"Totally," I replied.

"Don't sweat it. We all were at the start."

"How long have you been waitressing?" I asked.

"A year or two. And I've been here for about 8 months now. It's not too bad. Pays better than most. But you have to watch out for the tipsy ones. Just because they've paid for their food, some of them think they are paying for extra attentions. It's a hard balance to strike. You don't want them all over you, but you want to be nice enough to them to get a good tip."

I was grateful for this advice but as Linda was talking to me I noticed Mandy glaring at me from the other end of the bar. I whispered to Linda, "What's up with Mandy? She's looking at me as if I was her worst enemy."

Linda gave a little chuckle. "Oh heavens, you probably don't realise. Have you noticed the slight differences between all our uniforms?"

I shrugged, "Well yes, some have longer skirts - well more like less short skirts. Some have higher heels than others, less revealing blouses. Why?"

She smiled and squeezed my arm, "Honey, you've got the sexiest uniform here if you hadn't noticed and yesterday it was Mandy's."

She was right. I hadn't really noticed, but mine was the most revealing with the shortest skirt and the highest heels. I didn't get the significance of this though and asked her.

"Well Nicola, we reckon it comes from Jerry. He dictates who gets to wear what uniform. It's almost like to encourage us to be sexier. Bottom line, most of the diners are male. Give them good food from sexy waitresses and they'll be back. We think Jerry has a 'ladder of sexiness' and moves us up and down as he sees fit. Mandy has just been knocked off top spot by you and she doesn't like it."

"But why me? I mean I've only started."

Linda looked at me as if I had two heads, "Have you looked in the mirror recently Nicola honey? Jerry may be a lot of things but he isn't blind." I tried to pass off her comment but she ignored me and continued, "A word to the wise also. I don't know for sure, but it's rumoured that being Jerry's favourite isn't necessarily the best thing. Just watch him that's all I'm saying."

I tried to get more information out of her but she wasn't forthcoming. It was opening time and Jenna was frowning at us. Or maybe I should say, frowning more than normal. Things started slow but soon picked up. I followed Linda around and paid close attention to how she took the orders, delivered them and then handled the customers. It was a Friday night and it was busy. She introduced me to each table she was covering as Nicola the new girl. I would generally wave shyly and smile.

Most of our tables were male diners and I began to get used to being eyed up and down. Used to it in the sense of it being a familiar occurrence rather than used to it in the not minding it sense. Even though I wasn't specifically working the tables, some of the customers gave me a tip also. Before I knew it, things were winding down and it was closing time. Eventually the last few customers were persuaded to move on and we got things cleared up. I was exhausted and my feet were killing me.

I thanked Linda for her patience and instruction but she told me to think nothing of it. We headed back into the staff changing room. I yawned, "I don't know how you can be bothered changing again at the end of your shift."

One of the other girls gave a hollow laugh. Irene I think her name was. "Oh yes, you really think it would be a good idea to head home at 1 a.m. on a weekend dressed as you are now?" I grinned sheepishly and acknowledged that she had a point, a very good point. And so I changed and headed out to grab a cab home before falling into bed.

----------*----------

CHAPTER 19

I didn't rise before 11 a.m. the next day and spent a lazy day lounging around the house. I was amazed at how tired I was. Perhaps my mother was right. Perhaps I never have had a proper job. Making music was too much like fun and not hard work in my book. Thinking about my mother reminded me that I should keep in touch with my parents.

"Hi Dad," I said when he picked up at the other end.

"Oh hello....Nicola," a pause, "...how are you?"

"I'm pretty good. And you?"

"Fine."

"Erm, is Mum there?"

"I'll get her for you now." He sounded almost relieved to get off the line. I sighed. Obviously we still weren't close to playing Happy Families.

"Hello dear," my mother said.

"Hi Mum, how's things."

"Oh fine. Not much new. Your Great Aunt Fay is in the hospital with her gallstones again."

I made a few sympathetic remarks as was expected and then things sort of dried up.

My mother sounded anxious, "How are you keeping honey?"

"Oh I'm fine. Honestly." I'm working in what might be a sleazy restaurant wearing next to nothing, oh but I can't tell you that.

"I worry about you Nicola."

"You don't need to worry Mum."

"You will talk to us if you are having problems won't you? You won't shut us out again will you?"

I sighed, "No Mum I won't." I hesitated. I couldn't lie to her or keep it from her any longer. "Mum?"

"Yes?"

"There is something." I paused. "I sort of really wanted to tell you in person. No, to be honest, I didn't want to tell you, but I'm not going to do things like that." I didn't quite know how to go on.

"What is it dear?" If she sounded anxious earlier, she was verging on highly strung now.

"I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to come out with it. I've had breast implant surgery."

I heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone, but she didn't reply. After twenty seconds or so I felt I had to say something, "Mum? Are you there?"

In a shaky voice she replied, "Yes. Yes. I'm here. Tell me you are joking please."

"Mum, I wouldn't joke about it. It's true. Ask Claire."

"Claire? What has she got to do with it?"

"She came with me to Switzerland to be with me when I went for the surgery."

Her voice rose in pitch and gained strength, "And you didn't think that you should talk to us before doing this? Don't you think this is very irresponsible?"

"What would you have said Mum?"

"I'd have talked some sense into you. Mutilating your body like this, I really can't believe it."

I sighed. In a pained voice I continued, "Mum. You see, that's why I didn't feel I could discuss it with you. You aren't seeing things from my perspective. Tell me honestly, you and Dad are still hoping that this is a phase that I'll get over and things will go back to the way they were. Isn't that the truth?"

A pause. "Yes. Of course we are. What do you expect from us?"

"I don't know. These are uncharted waters for all of us Mum, but I can tell you that this is a one way journey. There is no going back. I don't want to. You don't understand. It feels so right, I know this is who I'm meant to be."

"Because something may feel right doesn't mean it is right," she countered.

"I know what you are saying. But you're wrong in this case."

"Nicola, I don't know what else to say."

"Me neither Mum. I'm sorry, but surely this is better than me keeping you in the dark."

"Perhaps," she said softly and simply. "Look, I think I'll go, my indigestion is coming on again."

"OK. Will you tell Dad for me?"

It sounded like a snort from the other end of the line, "Oh yes. Don't count on him being thrilled about it."

"I won't. Love you Mum."

A pause, "Love you too dear."

I put the phone down and lay back on my bed feeling totally drained. Was this worth it? Was it? I closed my eyes and thought about it. Whilst it was gut wrenching to have to deal with the difficulties it was causing with my parents, I had to admit that the alternative was untenable. Go back to being Nick so that I got on better with my parents? The thought of going back was more frightening than anything. In more ways than one. Yes when I compared the relative benefits of being Cara or Nick, Cara came out way on top.

It was a lot simpler than that though. I realised that I was increasingly happy being a woman. It just felt right. I knew I hadn't got everything sorted, but I knew I wanted to work at it and sort myself out. Personally I knew who I was as Cara. I knew where I was going...mostly. Sexually? Well I had a lot of work to do there. It wasn't as if suddenly I was turned on by big hunks. I certainly found women attractive but hadn't had the same drive or desire as I once had. I had put a lot of that down to the hormones. However I had to acknowledge that I did view men differently now. Living as a woman had to affect my perspective in that regard I reasoned. I took a certain pride, even pleasure in being found attractive by a man. I didn't know if it was anything more than that. For now.

----------*----------

That evening at work was hectic. I was assigned my own tables. Not quite a full quota but I found it hard to imagine how I would handle a full workload as I seemed to be run off my feet. The previous evening Linda had made it seem so manageable. My head was spinning with taking orders, passing them through to the kitchen, picking them up and delivering them to the right table, getting the dessert orders at the right time, clearing the tables and sorting out the bill. It was a lot harder than it looked and I developed a new found respect for those who worked in the hospitality industry. Linda was friendly and helpful and whispered encouraging words to me when she could. Mandy continued to look at me as if I were a she-devil and I thought as I walked past her once that maybe she even murmured the word 'bitch'.

I made a new friend in the kitchen. Sam was one of the kitchen staff. Junior associate chef he called himself. He was about twenty I reckoned. Tall, slim and black and with an ever present smile.

"Now you cheer up Nicola," he said as I delivered yet another order. "I'm not gonna make you your orders unless you give me a smile. That's the deal and I'm sticking to it."

I couldn't help but smile. "Thanks Sam," I said gratefully.

"For what sugar? I ain't done nothing. Yet you make me feel like I'm in heaven by smiling on me?"

I laughed and it did lift my spirits. He continued to flirt with me yet there was something different about it. Out on the floor the men would leer and wink at me. It was certainly flirting, but it made me feel dirty and cheap. Sam was gentle and respectful. I wasn't attracted to him, but I enjoyed the exchanges.

"You're breaking my heart Nicola girl," he said.

"Why?" I said asking the expected question.

"Cos I hear you ain't working tomorrow night and I'm a gonna have to work my hands to the bone without the prospect of seeing that angelic smile."

"Sam, you're flirting with me," I said with a laugh.

"Damn straight I am girl. But you're gonna be the death of me."

I fell for it again. "Why's that?"

"Cos I promised my Momma on her dying bed that I'd never fall for no white girl and here you are making me break my promise to my dear departed mother."

I didn't know how to respond but Jim, one of the kitchen hands guffawed and gave Sam a pretend slap on the ear, "Your Mum would kill you if she heard you talk like that, if I see her I'm going to tell her what you said."

Sam held out his hands in protest, "Well, it's the sentiment that counts." He smiled at me and winked as he handed over the latest meals to deliver. I laughed to myself as I went to leave them down. It was a table of four increasingly drunk businessmen. As I set the last plate down, I felt a hand on my backside. I stood up sharply and turned to the man who had felt me up. I tried to keep my composure and smiled, "Now sir, you really shouldn't be doing that. What would your wife think?" I had noticed a ring on his left hand.

He laughed and winked lecherously, "She wouldn't be surprised darling."

I raised an eyebrow and put a hand on my hip, "Lucky woman."

The irony was wasted on him, "Oh she is, sweetheart. She is. You could be lucky too if you play your cards right."

I laughed, "Oh I don't think so." I was glad to make my retreat. Towards the end of the night, things began to slow down and I reflected on what was the difference between the disgusting flirting of the patrons and the flattering harmless chat from the likes of Sam. I realised that flirting in the context of a relationship, I mean friendship, was pretty much alright. No matter how new the friendship. If there was respect there, some sort of friendship, it seemed OK. With the customers, there wasn't that same bond and it just seemed tacky and repulsive. I don't think men realised that at all. I know I hadn't thought about this until seeing it from the other side. I decided to try some flirting of my own.

"Sam," I pouted, "you promised me those chocolate fudge cakes for table 4. Are you taking other girls' orders over mine?" I batted my eyelashes.

He laughed and held a hand to his heart, "Nicola dearest, never. Sam's your man, count on that. I'll have them for you in just a jiffy." And he did. It seemed harmless. I mean, I didn't have any deeper intentions and I don't think Sam had. It was all a bit of fun. It had certainly brightened my evening up.

----------*----------

I didn't have to work again until Wednesday so Jon had arranged to come over on Monday again. He laughed when I told him about where I was working. He had heard of it too it seemed.

"Isn't that the place where the waitresses wear the skimpy uniforms?"

"Yes," I admitted a little shamefully.

"And you are comfortable dressing like that?"

I felt a little defensive. "Well, it's not exactly my choice. But I don't think I look bad in my uniform."

Jon closed his eyes for a moment. I couldn't help but ask, "What are you doing?"

He opened his eyes and grinned, "Just trying to imagine you in that miniskirt and fishnet stockings."

I gasped, "Jon!" I threw a plectrum at him and he laughed.

We played and practiced. Tried new sounds, mucked about with bits of new songs. We didn't really achieve much in real terms, but we had made giant leaps on the grander scale of things. The musical relationship is a strange almost ethereal thing. Like musical telepathy. I would know what he was thinking, where he was going - almost at the same time as he did and vice versa. We would play this sort of game where one of us would pick a key and start improvising and the other had to keep up and see if they could work out where the other was going. We were getting very good at it. After a marathon blues jamming session we ended with a note perfect tight ending and after the last note had died away, we both just laughed. Music was such a release. Things also seemed more relaxed between us too.

"Jon?"

"Mmm?" he said with a bite of sandwich in his mouth.

"Are things...I mean are we better now?"

"How do you mean?" he asked wiping his mouth.

I shrugged, "Well, I don't know, I mean things seem less uptight if you know what I mean."

Jon grinned, "Yeah." He shrugged, "I suppose. Maybe I'm just getting used to you. I mean you're not so different."

"Am too! All this work I put in and you say I'm no different," I protested with a pout.

He raised an eyebrow and I saw a twinkle in his eye, "Didn't I tell you that I'm immune to your charms?"

I lowered my head a little and looked up at him through my lashes. I gave him a sultry smile and said, "That sounds like a challenge to me."

He laughed, "You know, you're right - you are different. Don't take it the wrong way, but you look incredibly sexy when you do that." He chuckled and resumed eating his lunch.

So did I, but I knew things were different. Previously he would have clammed up at the hint of such an exchange. Now he was more like the easygoing Jon I knew from before. It was good. However his words had a strange effect on me too. I felt a sort of glow inside me. I knew he was sort of teasing me, but it made me feel really strange.

----------*----------

On Tuesday afternoon I had had an appointment with Dr. Carson. She seemed pleased to see me and was keen to check on my recovery from my recent surgery. As she examined me she nodded, "Well I guess he earned his money. I know there are scars there and I can barely see them. Very impressive." After I dressed again, I sat before her and she set her pen down. "So Cara, how are you feeling?"

"Erm, I'm fine."

"And you are happy with the results of your surgery?"

I couldn't keep the smile from my face, "Yes I am. I don't know why, but I feel so much more..." I struggled to find the word, "...natural I guess."

"No regrets?" she asked.

I thought for a moment and then shook my head, "No, no regrets. This was not only something I knew I had to do, but when it came to it, it was something I wanted to do and I'm delighted with the results."

She seemed satisfied with my responses, "That's good Cara. Any problems with the hormones?"

I grimaced a little, "Well apart from the moods they give me at times, no."

She laughed, "It's all part of the deal you know." She paused, "Cara I want to recommend something and I think you'll initially react against it but hear me out." I was intrigued and listened intently, "I would like you to see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist."

She had been right about my reaction, "What on earth for? Do you think I'm crazy or something?" My voice had a little more intensity in it that I had intended.

She held up a hand and spoke gently, "I told you to hear me out. I don't think you are crazy. Far from it. But I would be negligent as your physician if I didn't ensure you had the proper assessments performed and documentation made as you continue with your transition. This is very much a normal part of standard procedures."

I felt more reassured and even felt a little foolish at my outburst, "Oh right. Sorry for nearly exploding." I smiled apologetically.

She shrugged, "It's understandable. Now there are a few excellent professionals I can refer you to, but I want to give you some choice. Would you prefer it if you were referred to men or women?"

I thought about it for a moment. For some reason the idea of baring my soul to a man seemed abhorrent to me. I didn't quite know why. Perhaps I feared how a man would react to my story and my transition. I knew they would be professional and that this would be nothing new to them, but I couldn't get over my initial reaction. "I think I'd prefer to be referred to females, if that's OK."

She nodded, "Not a problem. I'll send off the referrals and you should get word of appointments in the next few months. There is one other thing and please, please don't jump down my throat this time." She winked at me and I smiled. "I want to suggest that you are tested for HIV."

I didn't explode, but I was puzzled, "Why?"

She was a little hesitant, "Let's just say that you need it documented if you are ever planning any...further...surgery. I'm not saying you ever will, but this needs to have been documented in that eventuality."

I nodded slowly, "Well it's not something I'm considering at all, but I'm happy enough to have it done if you recommend it." And so I had more blood taken and left with an appointment to come back in about 2 months for another consultation.

----------*----------

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday revolved around work. I found I was so exhausted after a night in the restaurant that I wasn't really fit for much the next day. I had only managed to make a few morning runs with Kate earlier in the week but after a work night, there was no chance of that. And I didn't have the energy or inspiration for playing much music. Jon cottoned onto that and tactfully invented things he had to do until the start of the following week. So much for my great plan of having a job that wouldn't interrupt my daily schedule. Work was tough, but I was getting the hang of it. By the end of the week I was managing a full quota of tables. Just about, but I was managing. I was getting to know my fellow waitresses and there was a certain camaraderie. Some of the male waiters had hinted at asking me out, but I had politely tried to deflect their advances. They seemed to read between the lines. Unlike the punters who were continually ogling, trying to cop a feel and making innuendoes at me.

"How do you put up with it?" I asked Irene.

She laughed, "Oh you get used to it. Stop thinking of them as men. Picture them as apes and it doesn't seem too out of place."

I laughed, "I guess, it just makes me feel sort of cheap."

A voice from behind me, "Would have thought you'd be used to that." It was Mandy. She strutted off haughtily without looking behind her. I turned to Irene who just shrugged. "Don't worry about her," she advised.

Sam was as incorrigible as ever. "Nicola!" he gasped one time when I went back with an order. He was doubled over and his face serious for once, his eyes wide.

"What is it?" I asked with concern.

"Can you see if there is a doctor in tonight?" he gasped between gritted teeth as he held his abdomen. Jim was supporting him and was looking worried too.

"Oh my god, what's wrong?" I said.

He suddenly stood bolt upright, smiled, winked and said, "Cos I got a bad case of the loving a white girl and it's gonna be the end of me."

I rolled my eyes. I felt a mixture of relief at there not actually being anything wrong and indignation at being set up. "You!" I said pointing at him. "By the time I am through with you, you will need a doctor."

Sam laughed and high-fived with Jim, "You're saying all the right things baby." Then the smile suddenly disappeared from his face and Jim stopped laughing too.

"What now?" I said, "I'm not falling for another of your tricks." They didn't smile. There was a cough from behind me.

I turned and found myself face to face with Jenna. Not surprisingly, she wasn't smiling either. "Miss Evans. I'm watching you. More time looking after the customers and less time being the silly little girl with the boys if you please." I felt like a naughty school girl being told off. Which was I suppose quite understandable given that I was dressed as the proverbial naughty schoolgirl. I apologised and returned to my tables feeling very sheepish.

Later in the evening when I was collecting some desserts Sam apologised. He was serious for once. "Listen Nicola, I'm real sorry for dropping you in it."

I waved a hand at him, "Don't worry Sam, she was probably looking for an excuse."

"No I mean it. I know I kid about and tease and all. But you seem like a real nice girl and I don't mean to get you into trouble."

I smiled, "Thanks Sam." This was a different side to the joker than I had seen up until now. I think he must have read my mind or something.

"Hey don't worry girl, I'm not about to ask you to marry me or anything." He paused and I laughed. "Yet!" he added with a wink and turned back to his work.

----------*----------

I rubbed my eyes, "I don't know Jon, but we need to find someone." It was Tuesday afternoon and we were discussing our keyboard player. Or rather our continued lack of one.

"Well none of the ones we talked about are available. I haven't spoken to Noel Dawson yet though."

I nodded slowly, "I don't think I know him. He was the one who was supposedly off the drink or something isn't that right?"

Jon nodded, "I've met him a few times. He was a loudmouth pain in the ass back then. I don't know, maybe he's changed."

"Can he play?"

"Oh yes, he can play alright."

We sat in silence for a few moments before I spoke again, "Well, time is marching on and I think we are going to have to get ready to go into the studio soon enough so the sooner we get this sorted the better. Want to get in touch with him and see if he will come over for a try out. No guarantees on either side though. We'll see how it goes?"

Jon agreed and managed to track Noel down that evening. He agreed to come over the following afternoon. Jon and I were sitting on the sofa waiting for him to arrive. He looked at me thoughtfully, "Why did you do that today?"

"Huh? Do what?"

"You know, dress up special, and do your hair up, make up and all."

"What? I'm a woman now remember. It's what we do."

He shook his head, "No I mean, you're dressed up nicer today because Noel is coming over isn't that right? When it's just the two of us, you just you know wear like a blouse and jeans." Today I was wearing a white polo neck and short denim skirt with my black leather boots.

I smiled, "Oh so I don't look good in my blouse and jeans."

He rolled his eyes, "That's not what I'm saying. Of course you do."

I nodded, "OK, you're right. I don't really know why. I guess it's meeting someone new and wanting to make a good impression." I paused and a wry grin formed at the edge of my mouth. Jon noticed.

"What?" he asked.

I chuckled and winked, "Or are you worried that our relationship is going stale and I don't make the same effort for you any more?"

He snorted, "You're bad. Very bad." He suddenly reached over and began to tickle me.

"Ow, stop it!" I protested, but he didn't. He continued and I tried to fight him off. He persisted and my efforts only succeeded in landing myself on my back on the sofa with Jon practically on top of me. We both realised the incongruity of our position at the same time. He stopped tickling and I stopped fighting. It was one of those awkward moments. Jon grinned lopsidedly and slowly got up. I sat up and smoothed my skirt that had ridden up in a most unladylike manner.

Jon chuckled, "It's as well no-one walked in just then."

I laughed, "What would they have thought?"

Before long, there was a ring at the doorbell and Jon went to get it. It was Noel. He was tall and stocky with a mop of unruly black hair. He was slightly overweight but not as much as I was expecting. Jon had remembered him as being quite podgy. He wasn't now. I stood up and smiled shyly.

"Umm Noel Dawson, this is Cara Malone." Jon made the introductions.

I held out a hand and he shook it enthusiastically. "Hello, pleased to meet you Cara." I noticed his eyes look me up and down, but I didn't think much of it as I was getting used to this. What I did take more notice of was the appearance of a slight frown on Jon's face as he spotted Noel's glance. I put it out of my mind for now.

"Noel, glad you could come over. I'm not sure how much Jon told you?"

Noel shrugged, looked at Jon and then back at me. "He says you're putting some sort of band together and needed a keyboard player. That's all." Jon hadn't mentioned the record deal it seemed. I thought I'd play along with that approach and see how things went first of all.

Noel familiarised himself with my keyboard and Jon and I grabbed our guitars. I gave Noel a few scraps of paper with chord progressions on them and we started to play. Jon was right. Noel could play and he wasn't a slow learner either. He managed the rocky numbers without any problem. Next I showed him how I played 'I just wanna be me' on the electric piano. He picked it up fairly well. He didn't play it just quite as I liked, but I figured it was only his first time hearing it so it wasn't bad. We jammed a bit and improvised and I was fairly impressed.

"So Noel," I said, "what do you think of what we're doing?"

He smiled, "You've a great voice, great songs, Jon rocks. It sounds good to me."

"You're interested then?"

He nodded, "Oh yes."

"Do you have any other commitments at the moment?"

He hesitated, "Err no, I'm sort of between gigs at the moment." I suppose looking back, I should have paid a bit more attention to this and various other clues, but more of that later.

We welcomed Noel aboard and he signed his contract. He seemed delighted at the cheque for his share of the advance and we promised to get in touch in the next few weeks to begin band practices. Jon showed him out and then came back into the room.

"Well that's us all sorted now," I said brightly.

"Umm yeah," he said.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He shook his head, "Probably nothing."

"What is it?"

"Nothing really. Just that...," he clammed up again.

"Come on!"

He sighed, "OK, on the way out, he asked if you were single or seeing anyone."

"Oh," I said.

He nodded and shrugged.

"What did you say?" I asked.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and kicked at the door frame idly, "I said as far as I knew you weren't seeing anyone. That's right isn't it?" He looked up.

I nodded, "Yes. It probably doesn't mean anything. Don't worry he's not my type."

Jon smiled mirthlessly, "Yeah. Just be careful."

----------*----------

I had to make my excuses to Jon and get ready to dash off to work. In fact I was running so late, I figured I wouldn't have time to change when I got there so I pulled my uniform on and threw a change of clothes into a holdall. I borrowed a long coat from Jools' room to make myself look more decent. Jon hadn't left yet. He was fiddling around on his guitar. He came wandering out when he heard me come down the stairs.

"Got your uniform on under the coat?" he asked idly.

I nodded, "Yes, I'm running late. Won't have time to change when I get there."

"Can I see it?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"You don't want to see it."

"Yes I do."

"Why?"

"Just interested."

I sighed and slipped the coat off and struck a pose. His eyes were like saucers and his jaw dropped. I shook my head, "Come on Jon, not like you haven't seen anyone dressed like this before." Then I realised that his gaze was focussed on my all too evident natural cleavage.

"Oh," I said and I pulled my coat around myself again.

He blinked a few times and looked away. He reddened and murmured, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare."

I took a hesitant step towards him, "Sorry Jon, I didn't mean to shock you."

He shook his head, "No, it's OK. It just caught me by surprise. I mean I hadn't really thought about it much, but well....wow."

I laughed, "Are you OK?"

He shrugged and grinned, "Sure. I mean, like it's none of my business." He paused and then looked at me analytically, "How are you getting to work?"

"The tube of course."

"Nuh uh. Not dressed like that."

"I've got a coat," I protested.

"I'm driving you," he insisted.

I grinned, "You sound as if you are my father."

He gave me a strange smile, "Just looking out for you."

I was grateful for the lift as I was now running very short of time.

----------*----------

I ran into Trin's Dins at two minutes past four and almost ran into Jenna. She wasn't smiling, needless to say. "You're late," she said in her grating voice. I thought about protesting that it was only a few minutes but one look at her expression convinced me otherwise and I just apologised meekly. I got a little lecture about having to pull my socks up. She informed me with what almost seemed like pleasure that Jerry wanted to see me tomorrow evening at the end of my shift as it was the end of the two week probation period and she would be providing him with an evaluation. I gave an involuntary shudder as I got the impression that it wouldn't be overly favourable. Then again I found it hard to imagine her giving anyone a good report.

The evening passed without event. I served my tables, fended off the usual advances, offers and proposals and managed to avoid Jenna as much as possible. In the changing room at the end of the shift, I was sitting beside Linda and voiced my concerns about the evaluation and meeting Jerry regarding my probation. She tried to reassure me, but then something very interesting happened. Mandy came over and sat beside me. She sat there in silence for a moment. I sat there and expected some sort of catty comment, but it didn't come. I was about to get up and go when she put a hand on my arm. It was a gentle hand and she softly said, "Wait a minute Nicola." I was puzzled but waited nonetheless. All the other girls left and I looked at Mandy unsurely.

She smiled, "Look, I'm sorry for being a bitch to you. You're pretty decent really and I wanted to warn you about Jerry."

"What about him?"

She sighed, "Listen, you know that you have the sexiest uniform." She paused.

"Yes? Go on," I prompted.

"Do you know that after a probation period, your wage is related to your uniform?"

I was confused now. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, the sexier your uniform, the better your pay. Not dramatically different, but better all the same."

"But why?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, maybe he and the witch from hell get off on it. Maybe it's a control thing. But just watch out. Don't expect Jerry to let you wear it without having the favour repaid. Not many probationers have ever worn it."

I felt growing concern within me but despite my insistent asking, Mandy wouldn't say anything else. She looked almost ashamed. "Just be careful," she said as she left.

The next night, I almost considered phoning in sick. I told myself I was just being paranoid though. The thought that Mandy might be screwing with my mind even occurred to me, but she had seemed genuine. Jenna was in foul form and handed me a mammoth table assignment. It seemed more than the others and I was going to mention it, but the foul stare she gave me as I approached discouraged me from speaking up.

"Joy of my life, what's up? Gentle flower, why no smile?" Sam of course.

I found a smile, "Oh just a little preoccupied I guess."

"Why so?" he asked, "And more to the point, what can I do to cheer the love of my life?"

I laughed, "Oh I'm just being silly and nervous. Tonight's the end of my probation period and I have some sort of evaluation at the end of my shift."

His expression seemed to darken for a moment but then he smiled, "And how could one as fair as you fail to shine?"

I smiled, "You're probably right, I'm being silly."

The table load I had though soon started to get on top of me. I was falling behind in my orders and customers were getting restless. Linda tried to help out but Jenna chided her for ignoring her own tables. I felt horribly swamped and was run off my feet. Jenna hissed at me from behind at one point, "Get a move on girl, stop slacking." Despite my best efforts, I mixed up some orders and some of the diners, fuelled by a little too much alcohol, began to complain loudly. Jenna came over and actually smiled at them. To be honest, it was a scary sight and I found I actually preferred her frown. She appeased them and in front of me apologised saying that I was inexperienced and relatively new and that she would get a more suitable waitress for them. She called Irene over. Irene flashed me a sympathetic look when she thought Jenna wasn't looking. I felt so humiliated.

At the end of the shift, Jerry came out and beckoned me into his office. He wasn't smiling. He pointed at a chair in front of his desk. He sat down behind it and looked at some papers on his desk. After a few minutes he looked up and sighed. He took off his glasses.

"Nicola. Do you really want this job?"

"Of course I do." I replied. What else was I supposed to say? Perhaps I would have been better actually thinking more carefully before replying. The indignation and pride within me had made me answer with little thought.

He sighed again. "Jenna isn't overly happy with your work you know."

I nodded, "I figured that. I'm sorry. It's all new to me and I've tried hard."

He nodded and gave a little smile. "I'm sure you have. But you have to understand that we can't carry staff who aren't committed."

"I understand," I said. Although I wasn't sure that I really did.

He stood up and walked around his desk and perched on the edge of it. "Nicola dear, you are a very attractive girl and I think you could have a promising future here. What do you say to that?"

I felt a little uneasy. "Erm, that sounds good," I replied hesitantly.

"You know that the uniform you wear carries a lot of responsibility don't you?"

I wasn't sure if he meant my specific uniform or the uniform in the general sense. "I guess so," I replied slowly.

He smiled, "Good girl. I told Jenna that I thought you deserved another try and you are starting to convince me that I was right." He stood up and walked behind me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and it took all my effort to stop myself from flinching.

He continued, "You strike me as someone who is determined to do what it takes to get what she wants. Would I be right?"

Now I felt sure something was wrong. However I was also scared so I replied cautiously, "Pretty much."

He patted my shoulder and walked back to stand in front of me. "Good girl, I knew you would understand." What he did next freaked me out. He started to pull down his trouser zip and I noticed an obvious bulge in that region. I jumped to my feet and sent the chair flying behind me.

"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled.

He looked startled and pulled his zip back up. He regained his composure and looked irritated now. "I thought you understood what was required of you," he hissed angrily.

"I can't believe this. This is sick," I said and ran to the door and walked briskly out into the darkened restaurant.

"Think about it Nicola," he called from behind, "Do you really want to throw away this job."

"Stuff your pathetic job," I shouted over my shoulder.

"Suit yourself you dumb slut," he shouted back at me and then slammed his office door.

I turned to make sure he wasn't coming and then turned back and bumped into someone. I nearly screamed and then I realised it was Sam.

"Shush," he said gently, "it's only me. Are you OK?"

"No, I'm not OK," I said angrily and then the tears began to flow.

"Dirty bastard," he muttered and pulled me close and put an arm around me. "I'm going in there to give him a piece of my mind this time."

I grabbed his sleeve, "No Sam. Don't do it."

His eyes flashed, "Why not? I'm not going to stand by and let him talk to you like that."

"It's not worth it."

"Not worth it? I can imagine what he pulled on you in there. The hell it's not worth it."

"Sam don't. Don't lose your job on my account."

He stood there and seemed caught in a dilemma. "Sam please," I pleaded. I saw him seemingly melt and he turned back to me. "Come on then," he said gently, "You go get changed, I'll wait outside the changing room for you and then I'll see you home."

"Sam you don't have to..." I began to protest but cut it short when I saw the look he gave me. "OK thanks, I really appreciate it."

I got changed quickly and was glad to find Sam waiting for me. He put an arm around me and guided me out onto the street. It wasn't particularly cold, but I began to shiver fairly violently.

"Hey," he said softly, "Come on, let's go somewhere warm and get you something to drink."

"It's OK Sam, I'll be alright."

He smiled at me, "Come on flower of my heart, trust Sam on this."

We walked a few blocks to a quiet pub that was still open and went in. I gratefully took a seat by the fire and Sam joined me with two drinks in his hands. "What is it?" I asked tentatively.

He grinned, "Jamaican rum. Just what the lady needs to warm her up."

I screwed up my nose but took a little sip of the liquid. It burnt my throat and I felt the warmth spread through me. I became aware of him sitting looking at me. "What?" I asked.

He smiled, "Just thinking how beautiful you looked..."

"Sam..." I tried to interrupt.

"...for a white girl," he finished and winked.

I laughed, "You're a terrible flirt you know."

He chuckled, "Don't tell me you didn't like it."

I nodded, "You're right. I did. It was one of the few things that got me through some evenings in that place. Gah. I can't believe I thought I actually wanted that job."

"What are you going to do now?"

I shrugged, "Oh I'll be alright."

"No seriously, don't you really need the job?"

I hesitated, "Well I did need a bit of extra cash. And I guess the paycheck I got from Jenna earlier is the only one I'm getting. But I'm actually a musician and the waitressing was only a temporary thing."

He smiled a wide smile with teeth. Lots of them, perfect gleaming teeth. "A musician? What do you do?"

I grinned. "I sing and play piano and guitar."

He shook his head slowly and smiled, "I knew there was something different about you."

I looked at him, "And what about you?"

"What 'bout me girl? Me just a poor boy tryin' to make an honest wage."

I flashed him a sceptical glance and he chuckled, "Alright, it's a fair cop. If you must know, I am pretty much a poor boy. But I'm working to pay my way through medical school."

I smiled. "I knew there was something out of place about you. Half the time the flirting was casual slang talk, but then you would come out with something so poetical that it just didn't seem to fit."

We chatted for about an hour about this and that and then he insisted on taking the same cab home as me despite the fact it wasn't anywhere near where he was going. I got out of the cab outside our apartment and looked back in. "Sam, look thanks for everything. Thanks for being there for me tonight." I impulsively leant in and kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled and put his hand on his cheek. "My Momma once told me that the kiss of the white girl was like poison." He shrugged and smiled, "But to me it feels like the sweetest nectar from the most beautiful flower." He winked at me, "You take care of yourself Nicola."

"You too Sam," I said and waved as the cab drove off.

----------*----------

CHAPTER 20

It had been a late night and it was after midday when I stumbled out of my bedroom in my dressing gown. I yawned and rubbed my sleepy eyes as I plodded into the kitchen. Jools was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and a newspaper.

"Afternoon sleepyhead," she said cheerily.

"Ungh yeah," I said. Or something to that effect.

She set her paper down. "Busy night last night?"

I poured myself a coffee and joined her at the table. I pushed my straggly hair out of my eyes. "You could say that. I got the sack."

"You what?" she said leaning forward a little. "How come?"

I shrugged, "Because I wouldn't give the boss a blowjob I guess."

"What the heck?" Jools exclaimed. "What happened?"

I related the story to her in all its sorry detail. I felt quite stupid now as I really should have seen it coming and I mentioned this.

"No!" she said emphatically and this took me by surprise.

"What?" I said.

"This is not your fault. Don't ever believe this crap that it is your fault. This happened because that sad little sicko of a pervert thinks he can get his jollies by manipulating and intimidating his employees. He shouldn't be able to get away with it."

Jools was steaming and brimming with righteous anger. Although I wasn't feeling too happy myself, I did love her when she was like this. She could get so wired up about things and there was something about her when she was energised like this that was almost a magnetic part of her personality. When Jools was in this mood I really did believe she could achieve almost anything she set her mind to. However in this case, there wasn't anything to gain and a lot to lose.

"I know," I agreed, "but we can't do anything. Go to the police? My word against his. He is the boss, I had a bad evaluation, I tried to come on to him, look at how I was dressed. We all know how it would go. Plus not exactly the best thing to kick start my career is it?"

Jools deflated a little and grinned ruefully. "You're right," she said as she came back down to earth. "He really shouldn't be able to get away with it; he should get what is coming to him. But there is nothing we can do."

Then it struck me, "Maybe there is."

"What?" asked Jools.

I smiled, "I'll write a song for him."

"Huh?" she said with a puzzled expression on her face, "he doesn't deserve it though."

I winked, "He'll deserve this one." An idea was coming to me. I let it brew as I went to shower and dress before heading to the piano. It had to be simple musically and I fiddled around with the chords until I got what I wanted for the verse. Simple alternation between the jazzy chords of G minor 7th with a B flat bass note and C sustained fourth with an F bass note. I hummed out a straightforward melody line. It wasn't the sweetest or the most tuneful but that was just what was required for this piece. The chorus was a little brasher with a progression running from D minor to B flat through G minor 7th to C major with the occasional 7th thrown onto it at times. The melody for the chorus was bold and strong. Now the words. I sat down and played over the events of the previous night until I had the indignation rising to boiling point. This was one of those moments where my pen could barely keep up with my brain and I scrawled out the words as fast as I can. I honestly can say that I had the lyrics written in under five minutes. I tried them with the music and made the necessary tweaks here and there. When I was satisfied, I called Jools in to hear the finished product.

"Mr. Cool, here comes the big man Dressed so flash, he knows he can Move and shake and make the waves Demand the attention we know he craves

But know this little guy I can see through you The bigger the pride The bigger will be the fall I'm not gonna cry And I'm not gonna do What you want Mr. Snide For you make my skin crawl

So sweet and nice, on the outside Think you leave the girls tongue-tied We simper and swoon - or so you wish In a little bitty pool oh you're the big fish

But know this little guy I can see through you The bigger the pride The bigger will be the fall I'm not gonna cry And I'm not gonna do What you want Mr. Snide For you make my skin crawl

Have the last word, think you win For your big bubble oh I've got the pin To burst your dreams, hah! Mr. Ego You're a skunk - see you later amigo!

But know this little guy I can see through you The bigger the pride The bigger will be the fall I'm not gonna cry And I'm not gonna do What you want Mr. Snide For you make my skin crawl!"

It was tongue in cheek, it was loud, yes it was almost cheesy and it was most definitely fun. As I let the final discordant notes fade I looked at Jools and she looked at me and we both began to smile which led to giggles and out and out laughter. She came over and hugged me, "Go for it sister."

I laughed and hugged her back. I felt so much better. I sat back, "I mean it's fun, but can we really use that as a song?"

Jools nodded firmly, "Too right you can. Yes it's a little crass but it's different and it's fresh. It's all in the delivery that lets you get away with it. I mean at that line where you say 'see you later amigo' and you stopped the music and gave that sardonic little wave - perfect! You have to use it."

I grinned, "OK, I'm persuaded and I know just the person to dedicate it to."

----------*----------

Jon came over on Monday and I played him the new song. I had the mannerisms and vocal inflections perfected to give the song the delivery it needed. It got the same reaction from him as Jools had given, he laughed. He shook his head and sniggered, "My goodness, how on earth did you dig that out of yourself? Remind me never to get on your bad side."

I shrugged, "I got the sack from the restaurant and I'm dedicating this one to my erstwhile boss."

Jon's expression sobered up a little. "The sack eh? How come?"

I winced, "It's a long story and not a very pleasant one."

Jon put his guitar back in his case and went and sat down on the sofa against the wall. I looked at him curiously, "What are you doing?"

He patted the seat beside him, "If it's a long story, I'm damned if I'm not going to be comfortable for it."

I shook my head, "I'd just rather forget about it if you don't mind."

He shook his head more emphatically, "No you don't. If you put such a cauldron full of vitriol into this song, there must be some story to tell."

I sighed and gave in as I joined him on the sofa. I rehearsed through the whole sordid sequence of events. For some strange reason I didn't go into much detail about Sam and how he had taken care of me. I didn't understand why I didn't divulge this but it just didn't seem right. When I finished my tale Jon gave a low whistle and I saw him clench and unclench his fists. "Hey steady on," I said.

He turned and looked at me and with an almost dark expression on his face asked, "Just where is this restaurant?"

I tried to laugh, "You are joking aren't you."

He held my gaze for a moment and then softened and shrugged, "I guess. But someone needs to teach that jerk a lesson."

I put a hand on his arm, "I'm touched by your concern Jon but I'm OK. Nothing bad came of it and we got ourselves another song."

"I know," he replied, "But you do need to be careful. Things are different now as you keep saying. You can't just act as you used to. You have a different effect on people the way you look now."

"I know. I'll be more careful. I promise."

He grinned and then asked, "Did you have to give your uniform back?"

I immediately got a little suspicious, "And why pray tell would you want to know that?"

He shrugged and winked, "Never know, it could come in handy for special occasions."

"Jon Peters!" I exclaimed, "You are incorrigible!"

He laughed and jumped off the sofa out of reach of my grasp and went to grab his guitar, "Nah, I'm just male. Now teach me this new song of yours."

----------*----------

Over dinner that evening Jools had her official business hat on. "We have to go in to Sony tomorrow Cara and meet with Simon Andrews"

"What about?" I asked between mouthfuls of pasta.

"He wants us to work out a provisional timetable with him of how the next few months are going to pan out. He's keen for you to get into the studio as soon as possible. When do you think you could do that?"

I sat back in my chair and thought for a moment. "OK we have the band finalised, but we haven't practised together. We need to get together and I'd need at least a fortnight or so of solid practice to get us into shape I reckon."

Jools forgot about her dinner and grabbed her diary, "Alright, that would take you to about 13 March or so. Why don't we aim to start Monday 17 March. I'll tell Simon Andrews we couldn't possibly start until April though."

I was confused, "Huh? Why will you say that if you think we are planning to start mid March?"

Jools grinned, "Because you want to let him think we are compromising. I'll say April, he'll say start of March as time is moving on. I'll hum and haw, consult with you and offer him 17 March which he will jump at. He'll think he's gotten a good deal out of it and we get what we want."

I laughed. "Jools, I'm so glad you're on my side. Ever thought about trying to negotiate the Middle East peace treaty or something?"

We both laughed and finished our meal. That evening I was going to phone round the band and tell them to prepare for intensive practice starting on Wednesday, two days away. Jools would hear none of it. She said she was the manager and it was her job. She said I was the star and it was my job to look pretty and sing nice. She was teasing me and I laughed and tried not to rise to it. I rang Jon though and let her ring the others. We chatted about what the best way to go about learning the songs and practising them would be. We worked out a few ideas. He was keen to get the band together and truth be told, so was I. It was good to be eventually getting somewhere. We both agreed that we needed some more songs though.

----------*----------

"Cara, Julie - how delightful to see you again." Simon Andrews shook our hands enthusiastically and I noticed his gaze linger a little longer on me than was absolutely required. "Come on in to my office, you're just in time for coffee."

I was wearing a pair of tailored black slacks and at Jools' insistence, I was wearing my low cut lilac top. It seemed to be having the desired effect. We chatted and exchanged pleasantries over coffee. He was actually courteous and reasonably charming. I began to revise my previously jaundiced view of Simon. True I had felt hard done by and bitter at my first rejection by him when I was Nick. However as I thought about it, it was that meeting and the feelings I had had after it that had led to me doing the demo disk of the female songs. And we all knew where that had led to. In a sense I had Simon to thank for the person I had become. I mentally shook my head to clear it of such strange thoughts and tuned in again to the conversation.

"Right Cara, Julie. Let's see where we are and where we need to go. Firstly, you have your own band isn't that right Cara?"

I nodded, "Yes that's correct."

He nodded and wrote something down on the pad of paper in front of him, "Julie, I presume you have the sub contractual details for the band members sorted."

It was Jools' turn to nod, "Yes I do. The contract Sony have is with CMA representing Cara and CMA has negotiated the contracts with the individual band members and will continue to do so."

"Good," he said enthusiastically, "we're very happy to leave that to you."

He turned to me, "Now when do you think you might be ready to start recording? I can't emphasise how excited we are here and I am personally about getting a single recorded and released. And then forging on ahead with recording your first album."

I knew the answer immediately but made the pretence of thinking about it and I furrowed my brow a little. "Umm well, now let me see - to be honest, things are progressing well, but I'd be happy with about another month of practice or so." I paused and Jools took over.

"Yes, we were thinking that booking recording time for the start of April would probably be best."

Simon gave a little wince and then covered it up, "Ah right." He nodded slowly, "I have to say, we would like to push the schedule up a bit." He chose his words carefully, "We believe the market is ripe for Cara Malone and we want to strike while the iron is hot. So to speak."

I smiled and blinked a few times, "Simon, you're mixing your metaphors aren't you?"

He looked at me blankly for a second, "Uhh?" He tried to recover, "Oh right, yes I see." He smiled. "You're teasing me aren't you?"

I laughed and shrugged, "Would I?"

He relaxed a little and sat back in his chair smiling, "OK ladies, my cards are on the table. I'm getting pressured to get you into the studio and to get that lovely voice of yours on tape." He saw my mouth opening and he held up a hand, "OK tape, disk, digital media....whatever they use nowadays."

I laughed and leaned back in my chair and let him continue, "So what can you do to help facilitate me on this?"

I looked at Jools and we exchanged a few glances and murmurs. We weren't really saying anything as we knew what the outcome was. We both nodded to each other and Jools cleared her throat before speaking up, "OK Simon. How about mid March, around the 17th?"

His face lit up with a smile and he checked his schedule, "Yes that could work." He scribbled something down and then nodded again, "Yes, that will be fine I am sure." He looked pleased with himself. I had to try hard not to snigger and there was no way I could look at Jools or I knew we would both probably burst with laughter.

"OK, moving on," he said with his suave manner back in the driving seat, "I had thought that we would book time with Air Studios. Does that sound acceptable?"

Jools had a blank look on her face so I knew I had to field this one. "Sure Simon that's grand." I didn't know too much about different studios, but I had at least heard of Air Studios so I figured they must be OK.

"Good, good," he continued, "and we have a good producer and sound engineer team that we have used on different projects before. We think they would be perfect to work with you on this. You probably won't have heard of them but the producer is called Steve Yarwood and the engineer is Tom Dickson."

He was right, I hadn't heard of them, but then again I was new to this side of the business. "Have they produced anyone famous?" I asked.

He hesitated, "We-ell. Not as such." A pause, "But ask me that question in six months time and the answer will be 'Yes, Cara Malone'." He grinned.

I smiled. It was a good recovery. "Alright Simon," I chuckled, "I'll take your word for it."

He grinned, "We are almost done - oh wait." He frowned a little. "There is a slight problem. Our PR department were doing some preliminary work and there is something amiss it seems."

My heart leapt into my mouth, they had found out! Then my mind stepped into the discussion and kicked my heart back down into my chest. How could they have? I told my innards to be quiet whilst I waited for Simon to continue.

"They were trying to register web domains on our and your behalf such as www.caramalone.com, .co.uk, .org, .net and various other combinations. However it seems as if someone has snapped up almost every possible one you could think of. It's a bit worrying that some cybersquatter has got onto this and we could be looking at a costly deal here to reclaim them. Would either of you have any idea if someone who knows of your deal might have done this?"

I shook my head. I hadn't a clue. I looked at Jools and saw she had a strange smile on her face. I raised an eyebrow questioningly. She coughed, "Emm, well I may have the answer there." She had full attention from both of us as she continued, "I sort of registered all those possible domains."

I looked at Simon and he looked at me. He smiled a wry little grin, "Cara it seems as if your friend Miss Carstairs is always one step ahead of the game."

I laughed, "Oh no Simon. It's at least two or three steps."

He laughed too. "So Julie, I'm presuming we don't have a problem then?"

Jools shook her head, "Not at all, I was just being cautious and making sure no-one else got them. I'm happy for your PR department to use these domains for promotional purposes, but of course as the registered owner of them, I'll expect to be able to approve final content."

He shook his head and grinned, "I'll have to keep an eye on you I see. That should be acceptable. Out of interest, when did you register the domains?"

Jools grinned, "Shortly after my first meeting with you Simon, it was back in early December."

That had been before we had landed the contract. I had barely been Cara Malone for any length of time at that stage. Jools really was something else. I never ceased to be amazed by her detailed planning and forethought. I think Simon was also beginning to realise that she was a force to be reckoned with.

"Now, I don't know about you ladies, but I'm starving. What say I treat to you to lunch at a wonderful little establishment I know nearby?"

We both agreed heartily.

----------*----------

We found ourselves in the Sony canteen on the top floor of the building with Simon. We protested that we felt cheated, but it was all in good humour. Truth be told, the food wasn't actually bad at all. Conversation was relaxed and I enjoyed myself. I found myself warming to Simon more and more. He was just a normal guy trying to do a decent job. He wasn't the ogre I had created in the dark recesses of my mind. He was relatively new to the music business and was working his way up from the lower ranks fairly impressively I gathered. When we asked him what he had done before joining Sony, he was a little evasive and mentioned something about trying to set up his own business but it hadn't gone well. I suppose it was fair enough as I had my turn to be evasive when he asked me questions about my life. I kept details to a minimum and tried to use the truth wherever possible. I didn't want to surround myself in a web of lies that would trip me up.

After lunch, he said he wanted me to meet with one of the PR consultants so that they could get some background detail on me so that they could open a portfolio on me. He said he would go with Jools and meet some of the other people in the PR area and they could sort out preliminary plans for future promotion and the like. I was a little nervous about what background detail would be required, but I couldn't really show it. Olive was a friendly girl who was probably in her late twenties. She brought me into her office and tried to make me feel at ease.

"Hi Cara, now look this is very informal. I just want to chat over some basic things about you and take a few notes. This is only a first chat to get a feel of how to market you. Sorry if that sounds cold and calculated, but I'm afraid it comes with the territory." She smiled apologetically.

I shrugged, "That's OK, I know it has to be done."

And so she began to ply me with questions. What age was I, when and where was I born, where did I grow up. She asked if Cara Malone was my real name. I was a little hesitant at answering but knew I had to. So I told her my real name was Nicola Evans. She didn't see anything incongruous about this and continued with her questioning. She asked about my musical development. When she asked about previous bands I was sketchy on specifics as I didn't want anything revealed that could raise questions as to my previous identity. To her credit, she made most of it seem like a friendly chat and I had to be careful about the depth of information that I revealed. I don't think I stepped out of line though and after about an hour she closed her notebook and declared that she had enough to work on for now. I was relieved and I met Jools in the PR department lobby outside. She was sitting chatting to Simon and we said our goodbyes and took our leave of them. Jools questioned me intently on the way home about what I had been asked, but I eventually managed to convince her that I hadn't let anything slip that I shouldn't have.

----------*----------

I was up good and early the next morning and met Kate as usual in the park. It was a grim wet morning and we both confessed to having been severely tempted to remain ensconced in our beds. After our customary circuits, we caught our breath and chatted. I admitted to her that one of the reasons I had dragged myself out was that I didn't want to be shown up by her. I wasn't going to be the one wimping out just because it was wet. She laughed and admitted that the feeling was mutual. We both decided that accountability was a good thing.

"Say what are you doing on Friday night?" she asked me.

I was taken off guard, "Umm, nothing I think."

She grinned, "Great! Want to come out for some drinks and dancing with me and some of my friends?"

I inclined my head, "Kate I dunno..."

She interrupted with a teasing smile, "Have you any better offers?"

"Well...no I guess."

"Great, so that's settled. Come on, all work and no play makes Cara a dull....well whatever."

I laughed, "OK, but I'm not much of a dancer."

Kate winked, "We'll get you into shape. You can't be a female singer these days and not know how to dance."

And so we made plans that I would pick her up as her house was on the way to the club she was planning to go to. I wasn't too enthralled at the prospect, but perhaps it would be good to get out with my newfound friend. I knew it could only be a help for me to make new friends and interact with them as Cara.

----------*----------

It was just before 10 a.m. when Jon arrived. We made a few rearrangements to the back room behind Jools' office so that we could fit the entire band in. Kevin was next to arrive and Jon helped him to lug his drums in. Just as they were bringing the cymbals in, Brian arrived and brought his gear in. Each person found their own space and got themselves set up. We were looking at a period of intense practising so the gear was going to be left set up where it was for the next week or two. Noel was the last to arrive and he huffed and puffed as he brought his keyboards in.

At last everything was set up and plugged in. This was the first time that the whole band had been together at once. I noticed that everyone was looking at me sort of expectantly and I felt that I should say something.

I cleared my throat, "Thanks everyone for coming. I don't know about you, but I'm excited at the prospect of us all working together. We have a lot to do and the clock is ticking. We will be hitting the studio in just over two week's time. We've got about seven songs written at present and obviously we need more. I'm hopeful that as we learn the songs together and develop our sound, inspiration will flow and we'll get a few more songs written. So let's get down to it, anyone got any questions?" I looked around the room.

Jon grinned at me and gave me a little wink. Kevin was bouncing up and down on his stool and I could just about hear a faint bass drum beat emanating from his direction at the back of the room. He smiled nervously, "No questions from me Cara, I just want to get on with it." I looked at Brian and he met my gaze but just shook his head. No words. I didn't really expect any.

I looked at Noel, he smiled and quipped, "I just want to know when I get to meet all the groupie rock chicks." The joke bombed, no-one laughed and he shrugged and murmured, "Hey just kidding guys."

And so we started. If you think that we just clicked and immediately found our sound, you would be wrong. It was awful. It is easier to teach a song one-on-one, but when you are trying to teach it to several people at once who all have their own ideas about how it should sound: it's a recipe for disaster. We had tried one or two of the songs and whilst everyone had the basic order and chords and the like sorted, the sound wasn't right. The entrances and endings weren't tight and as the morning wore on, I became more frustrated. We were still working on 'No Half Measures' and when after the umpteenth time, we didn't get the ending down pat, I nearly lost it. "No, no, no," I yelled. "We do the chord sequence only three times at the end and then a short sharp finish. This is woeful!"

I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard Jon's voice say, "Relax Cara. Why don't we break for coffee? It's early days." I sighed and took a deep breath. He was right. We took a break and I felt the tension ease a little.

I think that my frustration arose from the combination of my perfectionist tendencies and the fact that I had been playing solo for about the last year to eighteen months. I wasn't used to working with other people. Sure enough, over the last few months Jon and I had got things sorted between us and knew the songs backwards. The more people involved though, the harder it is. I knew that we just needed the time to develop the musical relationship that a good band needs.

Over coffee, the conversation was a little stilted at first as we all didn't really know each other. I tried to engage Brian in conversation and found that on a one-to-one basis he wasn't just as monosyllabic as I had thought at first. He genuinely seemed to be naturally shy and quiet. He was not without opinions though and he made several helpful suggestions on how we could improve a few things in the two songs we had worked on before. I found myself warming to him. I had previously worried that he seemed aloof, but I reckoned that he just needed time to get to know someone before he would be more at ease.

After coffee, things weren't much better. It was hard work and we grafted away at learning some more of the songs. We had decided that perfection wasn't going to come in one day, or rather Jon had gently suggested that whilst pointedly looking my way. I took the hint. We worked through 'No Half Measures', 'Living Life in Colour' and 'Nine Years Old Again'. By lunchtime I was exhausted and we took a break again.

I found myself sitting beside Kevin. Whereas Brian was quiet and measured in his words, Kevin was a total chatterbox. There were no problems with the flow of conversation. He was a bundle of nervous energy and was always tapping a foot or drumming his fingers on the table or any nearby surface. He was constantly pushing his hair back from his face or readjusting the position of his glasses. I felt nervous just watching him. I grinned, "Kevin relax, you're making me feel on edge."

"Oh sorry Cara," he apologised, "I didn't mean to. Don't think I can't help it. I'm always sort of a little you know like highly strung. Don't really know what other way to be though. Sorry."

I laughed, "It's OK, I'm sure I'll get used to it. Are you really always like this?"

"It is a little worse than normal," he admitted.

"Because of meeting new people, a new band and all?" I enquired.

He grinned, "I guess." He paused, "Plus, well, I'm sort of nervous when...well when talking to women." He smiled apologetically.

I winked, "Well don't worry, I promise not to eat you." After a moment, "That is, unless you keep missing the final beat of 'Living Life in Colour'." He laughed.

After lunch, we plodded on and tried out 'I just wanna be me' as well as running over the songs from the morning. At about four o'clock I felt I couldn't take any more and called a halt to the day's proceedings. There were a few glad but tired looks around the room. We had all found it tough and no-one was particularly relaxed. Jon was the last to leave and before he left I think he sensed my despondent mood. "Hey chin up, we'll get there," he said.

"Will we?" I asked looking up from where I was sprawled on the sofa.

"Course we will. You just have to remember that everyone isn't quite as perfect as you are."

I looked up sharply at that comment to see if he was being serious. He had a big grin on his face and winked. I threw a cushion at him, "I'm not perfect and I don't think I am."

He raised an eyebrow, "No but from talking to some of the guys today, they think you're pretty close to it."

I didn't quite know how to respond and felt myself redden a little, "Umm, what do you mean?"

He shrugged, "Oh you wouldn't be interested, guy talk you know."

"No, go on," I encouraged trying not to sound over interested.

He smiled, "Kevin thinks you are absolutely gorgeous, Noel thinks you are a total babe and Brian even admitted that you are stunning."

I waved a hand at him to cover my embarrassment, "They did not say all that."

"Oh no? OK, you ask them tomorrow."

"I will do no such thing."

He grinned, "Alright, but do cut them some slack. Remember they are overcome with your beauty and find it hard to concentrate." All the remaining cushions from the sofa were launched in the direction of where Jon had been standing before he began evasive manoeuvres and headed out the door laughing.

----------*----------

Thursday was not much better than the previous day. We ran over the songs that we had already done and whilst there weren't as many mistakes as before, the sound was rather flat. Everyone still had to concentrate too much and it wasn't flowing yet. Nonetheless we worked on relentlessly. We did 'Not dancing, but flying'. For this one, I was going to play piano and I wanted Noel to add some string pads from the keyboard. Again as I sang it, I couldn't hold back the emotion that it called for and I think something of that was communicated to the others and they were able to feed off it. After the third time, I had to admit that it sounded good and it sounded alive. I could see the beginnings of hope reflected on some of their faces.

Over lunch I was chatting to Noel. He didn't have a problem with conversation and I soon gathered that his favourite subject was talking about himself. I found that I didn't have to contribute too much as he told me about which bands he had been in, who he had worked with, and basically how good he was. I got the feeling that he was trying to impress me. I wasn't overly impressed. It wasn't helped by the fact that he spent more time making eye contact with my breasts than my eyes. He seemed oblivious to that fact.

Another afternoon of hard work followed. With all the bodies and electrical equipment in the room, it got hot and humid. I was wearing a blue denim blouse over a white vest top and I was getting hotter and hotter. In between songs, I decided to slip it off and I set it down on a chair and turned round to talk about what we would do next. I found four pairs of eyes glued to me. "What?" I asked. "What are you looking at?"

Suddenly all four pairs of eyes looked away and there was a chorus of "Nothing," "Sorry," "Dunno..". I sighed and rolled my eyes. OK so it was a sleeveless vest top, it displayed cleavage and was short and revealed my lower abdomen. My first reaction was to grab my blouse and put it on again but I decided that would be defeatist. I smiled, "Does anyone have a problem with the way I look?"

Again a chorus, "No," "Not at all," "Definitely not."

"Good," I said nodding firmly, "Cause you are all going to have to get over it and focus on what we are doing." I paused and then continued, "When we're performing live, I'm sure I'll have outfits that are well...look anyways, we've a job to do." I was getting a few strange looks. I smiled, "Look, you want me take the vest off too so you can get used to it?" They laughed and a few eyebrows were raised, but no-one dared to answer in the affirmative. The atmosphere was a little more relaxed and a bit of friendly banter crept in to the exchanges between songs. Correspondingly the music was slightly more relaxed, but still not exactly flowing.

At the end of the day when the others had gone, Jon joined me on the sofa again. "Tired?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm bushed. You?"

"Yep, it's draining. But we are getting there. It'll take time. Wait and see, one of these days it'll fall into place."

I smiled wearily, "I sure hope so."

"Hey trust me, would I lie to you?"

I shook my head, "You wouldn't dare." I paused, "Look...thanks."

"What for?"

"I don't know, for being here, being part of this. I couldn't do it without you."

He chuckled, "Cara Malone, the more I get to know you, the more I think you could do just about anything you put your mind to. But thanks all the same."

----------*----------

Friday's practice was fairly uneventful and we were settling into our routine reasonably well. We had worked our way through all the songs that we had so far. I wouldn't say that we were spectacular, but technically things were more solid. There was a faint pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel and I sensed that we were starting to play more as a band than a group of individual musicians. I just hoped the spark would soon come that would ignite something special. The guys were getting to know each other better and there was more banter and relaxed conversation. I sort of felt a little left out as the guys seemed to be bonding more with each other. I reckoned it was probably to be expected. I don't know if they felt awkward with me or intimidated or anything like that. I hoped not, but I couldn't really ask them. I made a mental note to ask Jon sometime.

I was picking Kate up at around 8 p.m. and I had had a fair amount of indecision over what to wear. I enlisted Jools' help. She was ever practical. "Well what sort of night is it?"

"I dunno Jools, what do you mean?"

"What's the goal of the night? What are you hoping to achieve?"

"I'm not trying to achieve anything, it's just Kate, me and some of her friends going out for some drinks and dancing." I screwed up my nose a little.

"Don't you want to go?" she asked.

"Well I guess, I think I should anyway."

"I agree. So, just a night out with friends then, nothing more?"

"Like what?"

She shrugged, "Oh I don't know, a group of girls going out...I'm sure you're not looking for male attention." She winked.

"Well I know I'm not!"

She laughed, "I dare say you'll get it whether or not you want it."

After a bit of discussion and trying a few things, we decided on a white satin blouse and a short black miniskirt and my four-inch high heels. As it was an evening trip out, the makeup was more pronounced than normal.

"Looking hot!" Jools complimented.

"Thanks," I grinned.

"Knock 'em dead girl." We laughed.

----------*----------

I pulled up outside Kate's apartment just after eight and honked the horn. She came out and climbed in.

"Oh my god," she exclaimed, "what a car!" She looked at me, "And you're looking fantastic too. Amazing how you clean up when you're not wearing your tracksuit."

I laughed, "You don't look half bad yourself." She looked extremely good in fact. She was wearing a short red dress that left plenty of her long legs on view.

We went to a club in the Chelsea area and met Kate's friends Cheryl and Lois there. I felt a little uncomfortable and awkward. I wasn't really used to this social scene but the friendly chat and easygoing manner of the girls helped me to relax. As I was driving, I didn't drink anything harder than Pepsi. Kate even managed to persuade me to venture onto the dance floor. Despite my protests, she told me that she thought I was underplaying my dancing ability. I thought she was just being nice. I was trying to watch closely what the other girls did and follow suit. There was a fair bit of male interest. Only to be expected with four attractive girls out on the town on a Friday night, but we made it clear that we were just out to have a good laugh together and weren't looking for any escorts. At the end of the night we said goodbye to the other two and hugs were exchanged.

I dropped Kate back to her apartment and she asked me if I wanted to come in for a coffee and I accepted. Her one bedroom apartment was simply but tastefully furnished and her coffee was good too.

"Did you enjoy yourself tonight Cara?"

"Yes, I actually did. Thanks for making me come."

"Making you come? Was it that bad?"

I laughed, "No, I guess not."

She was sitting beside me on the sofa and she gave me a funny look, "You know you look really great tonight."

I felt a little embarrassed, "Erm thanks. So do you. No wonder we were fighting the guys off."

She smiled at me, "Cara, I do a lot of fighting off the guys."

I grinned, "I can imagine."

She shook her head and was serious now, "No, I mean I ALWAYS say no to guys." She gave me a meaningful look. I swallowed.

"Oh," I said. "Erm, are you saying..." I couldn't finish the sentence.

She took my hand and spoke softly, her eyes fixed on mine, "Cara, I think you are exceptionally beautiful and I am very attracted to you. Do you find me attractive?"

I did, but what should I say? "Erm yes Kate, you are very attractive."

She smiled and slid herself closer to me. I felt quite uncomfortable, "Kate, I don't know..."

"Shush," she said gently and brought her lips to mine. She pressed them against mine gently for at least a minute. I didn't know what to do. My mind was swimming with a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. She slid her arms around my neck and began to kiss me with more passion. I was very confused. I did find Kate attractive, but the strange thing was that it felt wrong kissing her. I couldn't explain it. Six months ago if I had found myself kissing a beautiful creature like Kate, I would have thought it was my lucky day, or lucky year, but it didn't feel right now. I broke the kiss, "Kate, no please." She sat back and smiled, "What is it dear?"

"Kate I'm sorry. I just don't think this is right for me. I'm sorry."

She shrugged and seemed to deflate a little, "I'm sorry too. But don't sweat it. I know I was pushing it, but you can't blame a girl for trying."

"No hard feelings?" I asked.

She smiled and shook her head, "I guess I've sort of given myself away, but I hope you don't hold it against me."

"No, I don't. Definitely not. Can we still be friends?" As I said this, I think we both realised how corny it sounded and we both giggled.

Kate hugged me gently, "Of course. We must go out again sometime again, and I trust I'll see you in the mornings for our usual exercise endorphin fix?"

"Count on it," I said.

As I drove home and then later as I lay in bed, I did some serious thinking. All this time, I had been telling myself that I was still attracted to women. And yes I still was. It wasn't that I found Kate unattractive and it wasn't that kissing her was repulsive. It just didn't seem comfortable or natural to me. This was quite disturbing. I didn't really know what I had been expecting or what I was hoping for relationship wise, but now I had serious doubts. I didn't think I could seriously consider a relationship with another woman. It wasn't that suddenly now I wanted to go out and find a boyfriend. Far from it. That wasn't on the agenda either.

I sighed as I tossed and turned in bed. Was I doomed to a lonely life? I had restless dreams that night.

----------*----------

CHAPTER 21

I slept in the next morning and I think it was about 11 a.m. when I dragged my sleepy form out of my bedroom in search of the elixir of caffeine. I was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee and half eaten piece of toast for company when Jools came in from outside. She'd been shopping for some groceries and greeted me cheerily, "Morning Cara, good night last night?"

I forced a smile, "Yes, not bad." I swirled the remaining contents of my coffee mug and contemplated whether or not to grab a second cup.

"Are you listening to me?" Jools asked pointedly.

"Huh?" I said, which probably answered her question clearly enough.

She sighed, "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?"

I grinned apologetically, "Umm, I guess not."

She sat down opposite me, "OK, out with it."

"Out with what?"

"What is eating you?"

I shrugged, "Nothing really, just tired."

She gave me the 'don't give me that crap' look and I sighed. "OK, well it's sort of awkward..." I paused. I didn't really know what to say or how to say it, but I related the events of the previous night to her and told her something about my equivocal feelings. Jools for all her dynamism and energy was actually a very good listener when she had to be. I suppose it came with the job as she had to massage the egos of her clients and be sympathetic to their various tales of woe.

"How do you feel now?" she asked.

I thought for a moment and downed the last dregs of my coffee before replying. "Confused. Puzzled. Afraid?"

Jools shimmied her chair round closer to mine and put a hand on my shoulder, "Afraid? Whatever for?"

I shrugged and somehow the tears switch was flipped. I don't know where it came from because I never used to have such a switch, but now it seemed that at random and unexpected times this switch, wherever it was, would be flipped and the tears would start immediately. Jools hugged me and reached for a tissue for me. I wiped my eyes and tried to regain control of myself. "I don't know what's wrong with me," I said. "I just feel all mixed up." I looked up at her and dabbed my eyes again, "I just worry about where I fit in and how things will end up."

Jools sat there holding me for a few minutes before saying anything. Then she turned me towards herself and made me look at her. She spoke gently but with purpose, "Listen to me Cara Malone. You are on a journey of self-discovery. I don't know where it will end and you don't know. But one thing I know is that you are a beautiful and talented young woman who has the world at her feet. I know that is frightening, but this is life. None of us know what the future holds, it is scary. Granted, you have had a more marked period of change recently, but do you doubt who you are?"

I thought about her words. Who am I? She was right. I smiled at her, "I know who I am, I'm Cara Malone."

Jools paused again before asking another question, "Would you want to be anyone else?"

I shook my head, and tried to lighten the mood, "Hell no!"

We smiled and hugged and she whispered in my ear, "Be who you are and let the future work itself out around you."

I sat back and began awkwardly, "Jools, listen thanks..."

She interrupted me with a chuckle, "No no no. Don't do this. I don't want to join you in hormone driven tearful land." We laughed and hugged again. I felt a little more relaxed and we sat and chatted about the band. I expressed some of my frustrations to Jools and the worries I had about getting the energy from the music that it needed. We talked about the different band members and their strengths and weaknesses. Jools looked thoughtful and she was getting that dreaded look in her eyes.

"Uh oh, Jools what are you thinking?"

She smiled at me, "Oh, I was just thinking of an idea to help you all focus on getting the energy right and the like."

"What is it Jools?" I asked as I started to get worried.

"Don't worry, let me think this through and see what I can do."

Now I was very worried indeed, but no amount of pushing or prodding her would make her open up and tell me what she was scheming.

----------*----------

We had been practising for about an hour or so on Monday morning before Jools interrupted us. I was grateful for the interlude as things were moving on very slowly and painfully. After what had seemed like some progress at the end of the previous week, it was as if we were back to square one.

"How goes the music making?" Jools asked brightly.

None of the others, except Jon, really knew Jools that well and so to them she was 'the manager'. And they responded like school children caught by the teacher.

"Pretty good," Kevin nodded enthusiastically from behind his drum kit. "Yeah, grand," offered Noel as he slouched over his keyboard. "Umm, OK," said Brian. Jools looked at me and with my back to the band, I rolled my eyes at the responses from the others, "Hey Jools."

She smiled, "Hi Cara." She returned her attention to the whole group, "I'm glad practising is going well, that's just what I needed to hear..." She let her statement hang there in the air, like a juicy worm on the hook at the end of a line. I made like a fish and took the bait.

"And why is that Jools?" I barely managed to veil the concern in my voice.

She grinned at us all and clapped her hands, "Because Friday night you have your first gig in 'The Den'." She looked around as if for applause. None was forthcoming. I knew 'The Den'; it was a mid sized club in the East End. They quite often had bands in on the weekend and whilst they didn't have the most discerning audience in the world, the standard was usually fairly good.

"Jools!" I protested, "What on earth do you think you are doing?"

She blinked as if surprised, "Why, I'm doing my job. That's what managers do."

I walked over and taking her by the arm, walked her out of the room, and when we were out of earshot hissed, "What are you playing at? There's no way we are anywhere nearly ready to play a gig. We suck, and I mean really suck. Didn't I just tell you all about this like two only days ago? Are you out of your mind?"

She smiled at me and I began to wonder if she really was losing it. She shook her head, "No I'm perfectly sane and rational. I heard what you said about things not coming together and I thought that you just needed a focus to help refine your talents."

"And this is your solution?" I asked with a degree of exasperation.

She grinned, "Neat, isn't it?"

I sighed, "Tell me you are joking. Tell me that it's all a ruse so that we pull our socks up. I'll go in there and maintain the pretence and see if it helps."

She laughed and shook her head, "Oh it's no joke. Cara Malone is taking the stage at nine o'clock this Friday night for a one hour set."

"I really can't believe you have done this Jools." I stormed off back into the room in a foul mood and from the looks on the guys' faces when I entered, I was not doing a good job of hiding it.

"Right," I said tersely, "she's not joking. And I don't know if any of you have noticed, but we suck. I don't know why the hell we do as we are all talented musicians. But we are going on stage this Friday night and I sure as hell don't want to make a fool of myself. And I don't want anyone else making a fool of me either. So we need to wise up and get our act together. From now on, no messing around, no fouling up, we get it right and double fast. We need to play every song as if we had an audience of thousands watching. Anyone got any questions?" I put my hands on my hips and dared them to ask. No-one did.

We rearranged the room a little at Jon's tentative suggestion to make it more like a stage setting. The way he offered his suggestion to me almost made me laugh as it looked as if he was afraid to open his mouth. We had Kevin at the back of the room with Noel and his keyboards just in front. I was centre 'stage' with my guitar and mike, Brian to my left with his bass and Jon on the right with guitar. I got him to set up a mike stand for himself despite his protests. "It's time for vocal harmony," I said abruptly, "and I know you can sing, so you're elected." I turned and fixed my eye on Brian, "Can you sing?"

He looked like the proverbial rabbit caught in the headlights and didn't answer for a moment. I was running low on patience and prompted, "Well? Can you?"

He shifted uncomfortably and began hesitantly, "Well, maybe a little, but I don't know about..."

I interrupted, "Good enough for me, grab a mike and stand for yourself too and let's see what we can do." He looked as if he was going to protest but it died in his throat before ever being vocalised. He duly set up another mike and stand.

I turned round to face them all, "Alright, no messing about. Let's do it and the first one to mess up has to answer to me. Got it?" The nods from the rest of the room indicated that they had. "Good. No Half Measures, from the top: one, two, three, four." And so we kicked into it. At first I thought it was sounding pretty good, but as we moved into the first chorus I realised I had been wrong.

It sounded damn good! Whereas before it was lifeless and anaemic, now it was vibrant, passionate and gripping. I know I put more into my rhythm guitar and belted out the vocals as if my life depended on it. Jon went for it in the guitar solo and slightly overdid it as he hit a few bum notes. He saw my baleful eye fixed on him and mouthed 'Sorry' at me. I couldn't help but grin and turned back to sing the last chorus. We brought the song to a close on its final power chord and it was inch perfect. There was a brief moment of silence

"Was that cool or what," Kevin enthused.

Noel swore in agreement, "Bloody right!"

I turned round, "Gentlemen, one song doesn't make a set. Or an album; we've a long way to go." They murmured sheepish apologies. I didn't really want to dampen their enthusiasm, but I didn't want us to lose the edge that we had had for the first song, so I maintained the outward impression of 'aloof bitch' as Jools was later to christen it.

We ran through the rest of the songs and although we weren't note perfect, we had an energy that we had not had before. I felt the buzz of playing live music that had been absent for most of our time together. The others felt it too. We took a very short break for lunch as we were all keen to maximise the time we had. We worked on some vocal harmonies for part of the afternoon. 'You make my skin crawl', 'Not dancing, but flying', 'Coming home' and 'I just wanna be me' didn't require any backing vocals we decided. So we focussed on 'No half measures', 'Living life in colour' and 'Nine years old again'. Brian and Jon both had decent voices and as they both had a good ear for a melody, it wasn't too difficult. We did take some time with me on the piano and them standing round to fine tune the backing vocal lines. Before breaking for the day, we did one last run through of the songs from start to finish. It was tight, it was exhilarating, and it was exciting.

When we were done, I turned round and smiled, "Thanks guys, good work today. Sorry for being a bit sharp earlier. I think we did good today." They all shrugged off my earlier attitude and the day ended on a much higher and happier note than the one on which it had began. As usual, Jon was the last to leave.

"Was I too harsh earlier?" I asked with concern.

He laughed, "Nah. It was what we needed. A good kick up the backside and it seemed to do the trick. You should do it more often. You know..."

He looked like he had been about to say something else so I pressed him, "What were you going to say?"

He shrugged, "Oh nothing."

"No go on."

He laughed self-consciously, "I was just going to say that you should be careful when you get into that forceful 'take-no-crap' mood."

"Why?" I asked.

He grinned awkwardly, "You have no idea how attractive you appear when you are angry." He winked.

I laughed and blushed all at the same time. I was a little thrown by his comment and tried to recover, "Oh and I thought you were immune to my charms."

He nodded, "Yeah that's right, I was forgetting that. It's the other guys I was worried about."

Later that evening I buttonholed Jools. "That was your intention all along wasn't it? Put the fear of God into us and hope it did the trick?"

She laughed, "That just about sums it up yes."

"So is there really a gig?"

She smiled, "Yes there is, it had to be real to work. I thought about just bluffing you, but decided it had to be real."

I grinned, "You're something else! What if it doesn't work? What if we make a hash of it on Friday?"

"Oh I don't think you could let that happen, do you?"

She was right. I hadn't been as fired up on adrenaline for a long time. In a sense, landing the record deal had taken a lot of pressure off. Yes we were going to have to go and record in the studio, but that didn't create an immediate stress. Jools was a lot smarter than a lot of people gave her credit for. I knew how to play the music, but she knew how to play the people.

----------*----------

The practising continued to be fruitful over the next few days and we were definitely beginning to play like a band rather than a group of disjointed musicians. The empathy that Jon and I had enjoyed seemed to spread to the whole group. There was that sense of anticipated knowledge where we knew where each of us was going and where any of us would be at any one time. More to the point, we were enjoying the music which was a relatively new experience for us all.

I did find that things seemed to move along better if I maintained a little aloofness and created the impression that I would be none too impressed with any messing up. From the way Brian and Kevin tiptoed around me, I almost began to think they were afraid of me. Noel was a different kettle of fish: he was brash, confident and little seemed to faze him. At times I nearly lost my façade as I would spot Jon out of the corner of my eye grinning at me and giving a sly wink when I launched on a mini tirade. I think he knew I was playing it up, but he didn't give me away.

Not only did we get the songs I had written practised to perfection, but we worked on a few cover versions to add to the set for Friday night: 'Show me heaven', Sheryl Crow's 'All I wanna do' and Nina Simone's 'My baby just cares for me'. I loved the jazziness of the latter and we really were beginning to get a good sound going.

On top of that, we actually got a few new songs underway. It was funny the way it happened. Jon told me to go take a break for a while on Wednesday afternoon. My voice was croaking a little and despite my protests, he insisted. Truth be told, I was happy to go upstairs and grab a drink and lie down for a few moments. Of course I fell fast asleep on the sofa. I don't know how long I was asleep for, but I awoke as I felt someone touch my hand. I blinked and looked up. It was Jon. He was sitting on the edge of the sofa.

"Sorry," he said, "you looked so peaceful there. I almost didn't want to disturb you."

I blinked a few more times and sat up, "It's OK, I didn't mean to fall asleep."

He grinned, "I was wondering since you were doing the sleeping beauty thing if I was going to have to kiss you to wake you up."

I laughed, "Yeah, but that would only work if you were Prince Charming."

He held his other hand to his chest, "Ouch!"

I chuckled, "Come on, help me up." He pulled me to my feet and we headed downstairs. Before we entered the room where the band was, we could overhear some of the exchange taking place therein.

"Come on, he's so got the hots for her," Kevin's voice.

"I dunno guys, I hear they've just been friends for a while," added Brian.

"How could he not have the hots for her? I mean come on, open your eyes and look at her," obviously Noel.

I shared a rueful grin with Jon and he just rolled his eyes as he led the way into the room. "Hope we're not interrupting anything important," he said with a sardonic tone. Kevin looked around guiltily, Brian shrugged and Noel smiled at us both, "Not at all, just waiting for our beautiful leader." He winked at me and I forced a smile.

"Sorry guys," I apologised, "I'm afraid I fell asleep up there."

"No problem Cara, you've earned it," said Kevin sincerely, his usual bounce and nervous energy now restored after the initial awkwardness of our entrance passed.

"Anyway," said Jon with a grin, "while you were sleeping, we were slaving away down here and we may have come up with a new song."

I gave him a poke, "Hey, I resent your implication. But go on, tell me more."

He shrugged, "I had a little riff I have been playing with the past few days and we sort of threw it around and toyed with it. Sounds pretty good. Want to hear it?"

"Sure I do!" I sat myself down on a chair as they assumed their positions.

Jon counted them in and it started with a mellow bass line, syncopated drumbeat and Noel playing a sax solo line on the keyboard. After a few bars, Jon joined in with sharp short chirpy chords on the guitar. He had a lot of chorus effect on it and it added to the overall mellowness of the sound. They ran through what was obviously the verse and then moved into a faster moving chord progression that I presumed was the chorus. I sat and enjoyed the sound. My foot was tapping away and I couldn't help but smile. There was a real soulful R & B feel to it and I liked it. It was a happy sound. Noel was playing a sweet Hammond organ line with his other hand and the occasional sax burst on the other keyboard. Jon led into a jazzy solo and Noel reprised it on the sax before they led the song up a key for the final chorus. They finished on a slow drawn out 7th chord.

"Well?" asked Jon expectantly. All eyes in the room were on me.

I forced a straight face and nodded nonchalantly, "Yeah I guess it sounds OK." I could see Jon's mouth beginning to open and I knew he was about to sound forth so I continued, "OK OK, I love it, it sounds great!" I winked at him and he threw his plectrum at me in mock anger.

"No seriously guys, I love the whole sound. It's a real feel good sound and I'm very impressed. How did you come up with it?"

Kevin shrugged, "Jon played the chords, I added the drums and everyone sort of added in their bit."

Jon nodded, "Yeah, I mean it sounds way different to what I had originally thought, but far better too."

"Great," I said, "so where are my words and what's the melody?"

Jon laughed, "Hey you have to do some of the work."

I grinned. I had thought as much. So I asked them to play through it again and again so I could really listen to it and see if anything came to me. They did so. I had the feeling of a song being just out of reach but the substance of it eluded me. After they had played it through several times, I stopped them and apologised. "Sorry, there's just nothing coming at the moment. I'll get the chords and work on it."

----------*----------

The next day started bright and clear and I met up with Kate as usual in the park for our morning ritual. Things had been a little uncomfortable at the start of the week after what had happened between us the previous Friday night. However I felt that we were getting back to normal and I was glad. I didn't want to lose one of the few new friends I had made. I think she felt the same way. After our run, we were chatting as usual.

"You OK?" she asked.

"Sure, I'm fine."

She looked away for a moment before looking back at me, "I mean about last week and all."

I smiled at her, "Kate, to be honest, I'm really flattered and in a way I'm sort of sorry I don't feel differently. I really value your friendship and don't want to lose it."

She sighed, "Thank heavens. I really thought I'd blown it. I was cursing myself all weekend and was hoping you would still show up this week. I just thought you seemed a little preoccupied this morning."

I nodded, "I guess I am. We've got our first gig tomorrow night and I'm a little nervous."

"Oh where is it?"

"Why?" I asked cautiously.

"'Cause I want to come and see you in action."

"No you don't. Now you are making me really nervous."

"No seriously, tell me. I'd really like to come."

I sighed, "OK. It's at 'The Den', in the East End. We're on about nine or so."

"I'll see you there."

"I hope you won't be disappointed."

----------*----------

Thursday's practice was uneventful, but productive. I really did think we were ready to go on stage and it was almost miraculous as I wouldn't have put any money on that bet at the start of the week. However as ready as I thought we were, I was still quite uptight at the prospect.

I couldn't sleep. I sighed as I watched two a.m. roll round on my bedside clock. I threw back the bedcovers and pushed my hair back from my eyes. I wandered over to the window and opened the curtains and sat down on the wide windowsill to look out over the city. I don't know if you have ever experienced it, but there is something strange about being up at night when most of the rest of the world around you is sleeping. It's almost as if you share a secret with the night that no-one else is in on. I don't quite know how my train of thought meandered on its way, but I got to thinking. That sort of deep and meaningful thinking that the busyness of the daily routine rarely affords you time for.

Things in my life had changed so much. Here I was sitting in a black silk nightie, aware of my breasts rising and falling with every breath I took, my silky smooth legs curled up under me and my long black hair tickling the bare skin at the top of my back. How had I got here? Did it really matter? I supposed not. What counted was that as I sat there looking out over the city lights that winked back at me, as I followed the tail lights of the occasional night driver on the road below, I felt at peace with myself. I think it was Marvin Gaye who said, "If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else." I believed he was right. The last few years I had been searching for peace outside of myself. I had been looking for it in outward circumstances and in what I wanted to happen. Now, it was different. I was happy with who I was. I had self worth and didn't need external things to validate who I was.

Despite all this though, there were things that were still unknown. Such is the nature of life. As my mind wandered on, it turned to thoughts of love. The craving of the human being for love is a mysterious urge. Some would say it is what sets us apart from animals. I wondered about what love I could find. I thought about Kate and what had taken place between us. I was sure that what I had done was right, yet my confidence was tinged with regret. I thought about Paul and the time we had spent together before Christmas, but I had to admit that although I had some feelings for him, it wasn't love. There was another thought beginning to surface in the recesses of my mind, but it was too painful or difficult for me to allow it to grow any further. For now, at least.

And just like that it can happen. Sometimes you can't force it, but it comes when you least expect it. And so I scrabbled around and found a pen and a scrap of paper. In the reflected glow from the streetlights outside I wrote as the feelings flowed into words on the page. When I was finished, I was almost shaking. It comes like that at times. I didn't know where it came from and I wasn't sure I wanted to know. I wasn't sure that I could understand where it was coming from, but it had come nonetheless. Quietly in the semi-darkness, I sang through the words. I heard the chords of the new song in my head and the words meshed with them effortlessly.

"It's two o'clock in the morning, as I stare through the glass, As the world outside goes to sleep, save for my thoughts I'm all alone, I think if I sit here long enough, perhaps the feeling might just pass, But in my heart of hearts I know it won't, and I reach for the phone:

To call you up, and ask you now If you know why I feel this way It feels both wrong and right somehow And I just don't know how to say The words I'm feeling in my heart But am afraid to believe they're true To open up and make a start, And simply say that I need you.

Yet again I set it down, too afraid to make the call, I sit and ponder what might be, until my mind goes numb, Don't know what's the greatest fear: to fly high or low to fall, But I feel it growing deep within, and know the time will come:

To call you up, and ask you now If you know why I feel this way It feels both wrong and right somehow And I just don't know how to say The words I'm feeling in my heart But am afraid to believe they're true To open up and make a start, And simply say that I want you.

I wonder is a love so real, if it's never really voiced, Yet inside my head the voices grow, 'til it sounds like a choir, Demanding that I soon must act, I feel my eyes grow moist, Steadily growing deep within, it's a never fading desire:

To call you up, and ask you now If you know why I feel this way It feels both wrong and right somehow And I just don't know how to say The words I'm feeling in my heart But am afraid to believe they're true To open up and make a start, And simply say that I love you."

Perhaps it was the sheer exhaustion of writing, the energy involved in the creative process and all that. Perhaps it was the reluctance to think through where what I had written had come from. Either way, I padded back to bed and fell into a deep sleep.

----------*----------

We had agreed to do one final run through on Friday morning and when everyone arrived, it was obvious that we were all a little keyed up, myself included. We got on with it though and did a straight run through our proposed set. We were going to open with 'No half measures' and close with 'I just wanna be me'. Things went fairly smoothly with only the odd little minor slip from someone here or there. When we were done we broke for coffee.

Jon sat down beside me and took a sip from his coffee, "So, any inspiration yet Cara?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the song we did the other day. Got any words for it yet?"

"Err yes, I guess so."

"Well why didn't you say so?" he asked.

"I didn't want to distract you all from the practice for tonight." This was only half the truth. I wasn't prepared to acknowledge the other half.

"Guys," Jon called, "Cara has got words for our song."

There was a general consensus that they definitely wanted to hear it so after we finished our coffees we headed back to our positions. I felt strangely nervous. It was almost like that feeling in your dreams of finding yourself in school wearing nothing but your underpants. I made a mental note that I would have to adjust that dream to wearing a bra and panties. It was the feeling of being open and exposed and I guess that comes with writing personal lyrics. "Now, I haven't really practised this much," I said, "so I don't know how it will sound. Go easy on me, OK?" They all promised so to do and Jon counted us in.

I sang tentatively at first, but as the song progressed I closed my eyes and poured my emotions and feelings into it. It felt and sounded good to me, but I didn't know how they would receive it. When we finished there was silence and nobody said anything. I wasn't sure what that meant. Did they think it was soppy tripe? Did they like it?

I laughed nervously, "OK somebody say something. I'm getting paranoid here."

Strangely it was Brian who was the first to find his voice, "That's amazing Cara. Really moving."

Kevin now found his voice and bounced on his stool, "Bloody brilliant Cara, really like you know."

Noel nodded and gave me the thumbs up, "Just the ticket honey."

I looked at Jon and raised an eyebrow, "Well Jon, you are the writer of the music, do the lyrics fit in OK?"

He tutted and shook his head, "Now you've given us a real problem."

I felt concerned and it must have shown. His face broke into a grin, "Because for a cracker song like this we are going to have to make room for it in our set tonight and get it better practised."

I pouted at him, "Jon Peters, you are going to pay for that."

He winked, "Whatever the price, it was worth it to see the look on your face."

We played it through several times and it just got better and better. We talked about it and decided that it would be a better song to finish with as it had a real 'end of the night' type feel to it. The combination of the feel good music and the emotional longing of the lyrics seemed to work. It was early afternoon and we called it a day. We were as ready as we were going to be.

"Thank goodness we are done," I said, "Gives me plenty of time to get ready for tonight."

"What do you mean?" puffed Kevin as he carried out his floor tom.

"It takes time for a girl to make herself look good...and to decide on what she is going to wear."

"Pfah!" said Noel, "You'd look fantastic in anything."

I smiled and reddened a little, "Thanks, but I'll make the effort nonetheless. Have you guys all put a little thought into your look and outfit for tonight?"

The shared guilty looks that passed amongst them answered my question for me. I sighed, "You guys have it easy."

Brian smiled, "No-one will be looking at us Cara; we're just content to stand in your shadow."

I rolled my eyes, "Typical men."

Brian had a small van and all the equipment was packed into it. The guys were going to get down early to get set up. I offered to help but was immediately told I would only be in the way. I was quite relieved. I never liked the equipment lugging part. Jon again was the last to leave.

"You OK?" he asked.

"Yep, I'm fine."

"Ready for tonight?"

"I'm a little nervous. You know, sort of first time on stage performing for real as, well you know, Cara."

He smiled, "You'll do great."

"Thanks. Couldn't do it without you all."

"Listen, about that song?"

"'Simply Say'?"

"Yeah, I mean how do you write that stuff?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's powerful, where do you get it from? You never wrote like that before."

I shrugged, "I don't know. I guess as clichéd as it sounds, I'm more in touch with my feelings now. I just sort of tap into what I feel inside and let it out."

"So where did this one come from? Who's it about?"

I laughed self-consciously, "Oh nothing or no-one in particular really. It's the product of a late night insomnia session and thinking too deeply about things."

"Well keep it up, it's fantastic."

"Thanks," I smiled broadly.

He reached down and gave me a quick hug that took me by surprise. "What's that for?"

He shrugged and picked up his guitar case, "It's a good luck hug for tonight. See you later."

----------*----------

When I went upstairs to the apartment I got a big surprise.

"Beth!" I squealed.

"Cara!" she squealed back and ran at me. We embraced warmly for a minute or so.

"It's so good to see you," I beamed at her.

"And you too! Let me look at you." She stood back and appraised me. "Girl you look fantastic, you really do."

I blushed and waved a hand at her, "Oh now, you have to say that. But what are you doing here?"

She grinned, "I heard that a certain young up and coming superstar was playing her first real gig tonight and I wasn't going to miss it. So I thought I'd pop up to the big smoke for the weekend."

I laughed, "Well, I'm not too sure about your reasons, but it's great to see you."

She grinned coyly, "And I hear you've ditched those expensive breast forms I went to all the trouble to get for you? Something you have to tell me eh?"

I laughed and we spent about an hour chatting and catching up as I told her all about what had been happening. She knew most of it as she and Jools were in touch regularly. That was one of the things I had learnt: when girls talked it wasn't just about the transfer of information like it was with guys. The talking itself and the communication were the important things, the factual content was secondary. Jools came in and found us giggling together like two schoolgirls.

"Surprised you have the time for such frivolity," she said with a wink, "I'd have thought you'd be up to your eyes getting yourself ready for tonight."

She was right. We had lost track of time. As it was dinner time, we grabbed a quick bite to eat before I began the process of preparing myself. In my case it was a very quick bite as I had no appetite whatsoever. I excused myself from the table and went to soak in the bath. I washed my hair and was heading back to my room wrapped in a towel when Beth called out, "Want any help Cara?"

"Do I ever! Thanks, yes Beth."

When we got into my room, I turned to her, "Hey, this is just an excuse to see my new breasts isn't it?"

Beth laughed and reddened a little, "Well now that you come to mention it...."

I sighed theatrically and grinned as I lowered my towel. Beth gasped, "Oh my goodness Cara, they're beautiful. So realistic."

I laughed, "They are real, believe me the pain was only too real."

She grinned, "You know what I mean. Is there even any scar?"

I bashfully lifted one of my breasts up, "It's supposed to be underneath it."

Beth inspected closely, "I'll be darned if I can see it. Good workmanship."

"Didn't come cheap," I said dryly.

"I can imagine. So, on to business. What are you going to wear?" Beth asked.

I groaned. We looked through my wardrobe and after a fair amount of discussion, we settled on a little black dress. Just off the shoulder, fairly low cut, figure hugging and above knee-length.

"Are you sure?" I murmured. "I mean it's very...."

"Very what?" Beth asked with a cheeky grin on her face.

"It's very sexy."

She laughed, "Then it matches well with the wearer. Sweetheart, you aren't going out there to look like a sack of potatoes."

I grinned ruefully, "I guess."

We decided to go all out, so it was corset time again. I hadn't been wearing it much recently as I had a fairly natural narrow waistline now. Well if hormone enhanced can be called natural that is. Beth tightened it viciously.

"Gah, I don't know if I'll have the breath to sing Beth if you tighten it much more."

She laughed, "You're out of practice; you'll have to wear it more often."

I slipped a pair of sheer black stockings onto my legs and attached them to the suspender belt. I pulled the dress on over my head and arranged it on my figure. Beth gave a low whistle, "Looking good."

She blow dried my hair for me and helped me style it. It looked really good, shiny and vibrant with a lot of body to it. I let her do my makeup for me. Why would I do it myself when I had a professional here in my room? As it was a night time outing and especially as I was going to be performing on stage, she didn't hold back at all. My eyes were neatly outlined with black eyeliner, she seemed to have used a whole tube of mascara on my lashes and my lips were ruby red. When she was finished, my nails matched my lips. I put my drop earrings into the lower holes in my ears and medium sized hoops in the upper holes. A pendant necklace that nestled in my bosom completed the ensemble. For shoes, we decided it had to be heels. I went with my five-inch heels. I wasn't planning on doing much dancing on stage. I wasn't planning on doing any actually.

I looked at myself in the mirror and could barely catch my breath. It had been a while since I had done myself up like this and Beth's help had certainly made a difference. I still couldn't get over how beautiful I looked.

"Well, happy?" Beth prompted gently.

I smiled tentatively, "Oh yes. Thank you so much."

Beth looked at me strangely, "You know, don't take this the wrong way, but Cara Malone - you were born to be a woman. When I look at you like this, I have no doubt of that fact."

I felt a strange mixture of emotion at her words, but the main one was pride. "Thanks," I murmured and made every conscious effort to keep my eyes dry.

We went out to the living room and Jools nearly dropped to the floor when she saw me, "My goodness Cara, look - at - you!" She sighed, "I knew I forgot something."

"What?" I asked.

She grinned, "The troupe of bodyguards to keep all the males in the audience away from you."

I stuck out my tongue at her and we all laughed.

----------*----------

CHAPTER 22

Jools drove the three of us to 'The Den' and when we arrived, the manager pointed us towards the dressing rooms. That was whenever he took his eyes off me long enough to focus on the question at hand. There were two rooms. One for me and one for all the guys. I guess that was the reward for supposedly being the star. I left my coat and purse in my room and knocked on the door of the other room, "You all decent in there?"

The answer was in the affirmative so I entered. I got quite a response. Brian was unusually vocal, "My god Cara you look absolutely gorgeous." Kevin wasn't far behind, "I'm going to have to blindfold myself to be able to concentrate on the set." I laughed and murmured thanks to both of them. Noel grinned at me, "Very hot, very hot indeed." I didn't really like the way he was looking me up and down, but it wasn't the first time I had experienced it.

The rest of them started chatting so I turned to Jon who was unusually quiet. "You OK Jon?"

He nodded and looked at me strangely, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"What's wrong?" I asked, I lowered my voice, "Is there a problem with the way I look?"

He gave a little laugh and shook his head emphatically, "Not at all. You look absolutely amazing." There was a certain reticence in his manner though that I couldn't quite fathom.

Before long it was time to get ready to take the stage and we heard the manager make his introduction, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the lovely, the beautiful, the gorgeous Cara Malone!"

We walked on, me leading. There was a loud cheer from the audience and a few wolf-whistles also. I smiled shyly and waved at the crowd. The guys had done a full sound check earlier so we were good to go. A friend of Brian's was manning the sound desk for us. I picked up my guitar and turned to see that everyone was in position. I nodded to Jon and he counted us in as we kicked off with 'No Half Measures'. It was loud, it was bold and it was fun. I began to relax a little by the second verse. It was a medium sized club and due to the bright lights, I really couldn't make out anyone in the audience. At the end of the song, there were loud cheers and a lot of applause. It was hard to know how gigs like this would go. Sometimes the music captivated the audience, other times it was background filler as people enjoyed conversation and drinks. My goal was for them to be fully focussed on us.

"Thank you, thank you," I murmured into the microphone. "It's great to be in 'The Den' tonight and we hope you'll enjoy what we have in store for you. My name is Cara Malone. This next song is about being back where life was fun and simple, it's called 'Nine years old again'." And so we started into it. We were all a little more relaxed now and as I looked over at Jon he grinned back at me. The audience were quite responsive and as they warmed to us, I relaxed more and more and tried to chat to them as freely as I could. It was one of the things I always made a big deal of: I couldn't stand artists who stood up and played live and never tried to connect with the audience, the sort who never said more than a few words to their listeners.

The set went well and in the middle we slowed it down a little with 'Not dancing, but flying' and 'I'm coming home'. The cover versions were fairly well received too, and I may have been imagining it, but perhaps they didn't get as much applause as our own material. So I would like to think anyway. The time flew by and before I knew it, we were at the last song.

"Thank you so much. Our final song of the night is one of those mellow moments when you stand back and look at your life and think about what is really important to you. It's best done in the middle of the night too - this song is called 'Simply Say'."

The bass, drums and Noel doing the sax on the keyboard all started in and I couldn't help but smile. I was really enjoying myself and as I stood with the mike in one hand, I swung my other hand, clicking my fingers to the beat. The boys excelled themselves in their respective solos and I lifted my eyes heavenwards as I gave the last chorus everything and then we brought it down to its gentle close. The audience cheered and applauded. Despite the bright lights I could see that several members of the audience were on their feet.

"Thank you so much, and goodnight." As we walked off the stage, the cheers intensified and I felt like I was walking on air, rather than the thin 5-inch heels. They were cheering for an encore, but as we had nothing else to give them, we didn't go back on. We got back into the dressing room and there was a lot of cheering and high-fiving. I turned to Jon and he surprised me by sweeping me up in a large bear hug. "Cara, you were awesome, I really mean that."

I laughed, "Hey, between you and the corset, I can barely breathe." He released me and looked a little bashful. "*We* were great," I emphasised. I turned to them all, "Thanks guys, if you'd told me on Monday morning that we could have done what we did tonight, I'd have sent you to a psychiatrist to have you committed for insanity."

Jools and Beth burst in and there were more hugs and congratulations all round. Jools made a little 'manager' speech congratulating us and telling us that the owner of the establishment had sought her out halfway through the set to arrange for us to play there the next Friday night.

"And you said?" I asked.

She grinned and winked, "I said sure, as long as the fee was doubled."

"Jools!" I gasped.

She shrugged, "I regret it too. He agreed so easily, I should have asked him to triple it."

We all laughed and began to wind down. In the car on the way home, I asked for honest feedback. "How was it seriously?"

Beth began to gush, "Honestly Cara, I couldn't believe it. The shy little girl that spent a month with us is now this confident sensual creature who owned the stage."

I laughed and began to protest but she cut me off, "No seriously, you were sexy, but warm and friendly and the music was top notch. You're going to make it big."

"My head will make it big first if you keep on like that. Jools?"

"I agree totally with Beth. First rate stuff and you should have seen the rapt attention you were getting particularly from the guys in the audience."

I shuddered a little, "I'd rather not thanks all the same."

I was so exhausted when we got home that it was all Beth and Jools could do to persuade me to get undressed and remove my makeup. I can hardly remember the process as I think they did most of it.

----------*----------

After a long lazy lie in and a relaxing brunch, the three of us, Jools, Beth and I, went into central London for an afternoon's shopping. We were bad for each other as we encouraged one another to make more purchases than we really should. It was great to catch up with Beth and spend some time with her again. I hadn't realised how much I had missed her until now. Her quiet sensitive nature, yet fun loving spirit complemented Jools' ebullient confidence. We had fun. We did the dinner and a show thing. Beth wasn't up in London much and insisted that we go to a show. We took in 'My Fair Lady'. I had seen it before, but it was magical nonetheless. I was a big fan of musical shows. I could sort of empathise with the thrill that the stage performers must have gotten from their performances.

On Sunday we actually went to Church. Beth's good influence. Although she was quiet, she had a strong spirit and was very strong in her personal beliefs and attitudes. She chided us mildly for being 'lazy pagans' as she called it. There was something nice about getting dressed up in good clothes and doing something different on a Sunday. We went to the local Anglican Church, St. Simon's. It was only a 10 minute walk and apparently Jools had very occasionally been along to it before. It was quite a modern service in contrast to the formal traditionalism of Seaton parish and I found that I enjoyed it. The minister was Reverend Taylor and he was a kindly man in his early forties.

As the afternoon was clear and sunny, Beth and I decided to go for a walk. Jools said she had been good enough for one day and couldn't be bothered. It was also an excuse for me to give Beth a ride in my new car. She was quite taken with it and I was like a proud parent showing it off. We drove in to Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens to enjoy a leisurely walk.

"So how are you Cara?"

"Oh I'm fine."

"No I mean, I'm really asking that sincerely. Are you doing OK?"

I turned to Beth and smiled, "Did I ever tell you that you are one of the most wonderful people I have been privileged to know?"

She laughed and reddened a little, "Thanks, but you're not getting away that easy."

I smiled, "I think I'm doing alright Beth. I mean, there's still a lot of adjustment. But I'm coping with most things. I'm fairly happy with how I look, how I talk and move and act. How I interact with most people."

Beth grinned, "You're fairly happy about how you look? If anyone else heard you say that they would probably stone you on the spot in a fit of jealousy."

I smiled a little shyly, "OK, I guess I'm pretty thrilled about how I look. I still can't believe it is me a lot of the time."

"What about interacting with men?"

"How do you mean?"

"I'm thinking that they probably find you attractive to say the least. Have you had any bother?"

I shrugged, "Not really. I do get a bit of attention, most of it unwanted. I'm aware of the looks they give me and don't want to think too much about their thoughts or intentions. I guess that's part and parcel of the whole deal."

We walked on in silence for a few minutes before she spoke again, "Jools told me about what happened with your friend Kate." She paused, "I know she probably shouldn't have, and she'll kill me for mentioning it to you, but I just wanted you to know you can talk to me anytime about it and the whole thing around it."

I smiled, "Thanks Beth. I don't mind her telling you. You two are really about the closest friends I have." I hesitated, "Being honest, I've found it hard to understand. I really can't fathom it. I mean, I still find women attractive, very much so. But it just felt so wrong. It felt like it wasn't the way it should be."

Beth listened and nodded, "You know Cara, most women can appreciate attractiveness in other women in a way that men can't do with one another. But like you have described it, it doesn't go any further as it doesn't feel right for us."

I pondered this, "Are you saying that I'm just like another woman now in that way?"

Beth shrugged, "I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud." She hesitated, "I mean, do you feel any different about men now?"

I chewed my lower lip and thought. I stopped walking and she did likewise. "I really don't know Beth. I don't think I do, or perhaps I don't want to think I do." That thought that I had been ignoring rose again in the back of my mind, but I suppressed it again. I wasn't ready to try and deal with it. I shrugged, "I don't know. It sort of scares me and I don't think I can deal with that sort of thing."

Beth put a hand on my arm and spoke softly, "You don't have to. But just keep talking to someone. Can you talk to Jools OK? I know she isn't going to make 'Counsellor of the year' or anything."

I grinned, "No she isn't, but to be fair to her she's been fantastic. She's always there for me and she knows me so well that I can't hide much from her. I'll keep talking don't worry."

She smiled, "And you know, you can give me a ring at any time whatsoever. I really mean that."

I smiled and gave her a quick hug, "Thanks Beth."

----------*----------

We were back into practising with a vengeance come Monday morning. There was a fair bit of euphoria in the group as we relived our performance from Friday past. We did take a little time to dissect it and think about how we could improve it. We had been tight on most aspects, but we had to think about how we could do better. Complacency is the musician's worst enemy. We had another performance coming up this Friday night and in one week's time we were entering the studio. There was plenty enough to keep us occupied as we prepared for those two goals.

We ran through our songs again and again. The life of a song is almost like an evolutionary process or rather it can mirror the cycle of life. It starts off raw but precious in its infancy and then moves through the gawky teenage stage of finding itself. Then it perfects and refines itself in early adulthood until it has the mature confidence of experience. Then, although it doesn't apply to all songs, it can become a little old and not just as fresh as it was. And of course, a song can die. With most of our songs we were moving from the gawky stage to the refining stage. As we played our songs, each band member would try something a little different. Sometimes it worked and was incorporated into the song. Other times, it bombed and was dropped immediately. However all in all, the sound was coming together. The hard work and graft was covered last week and this week things were more relaxed and not as onerous.

The experience of playing live had brought us closer together as a band. I was a firm believer that to play well together, a band had to know each other fairly well. There was a fine balance though between being good friends and being too introspective as a group. I think that some bands suffer in the long term by slowly losing touch with anyone outside of the immediate band circle and surrounding entourage. You need to have a life outside to give you some perspective. However, the conversation was freer, more relaxed and even Brian was known to put a few sentences together in succession.

I ran with Kate on Tuesday morning and she raved about our performance on Friday night. I had been so caught up in it that I had forgotten that she was planning to come. I tried to pass her comments off as exaggeration but she would have none of it. She was planning not only to come back on Friday night, but also to bring any of her friends she could drag along.

On Wednesday I had a new idea for a song that I wanted to try out. A melody had been going around in my head and a few chords were attaching themselves to the melody. A few words were also floating around in that mix too. During coffee break, I took to the piano and fiddled around, humming to myself. Although I hadn't intended it, the fledgling song took on a bit of a Gospel feel. The guys gradually filtered back in and, as is the same with all musicians, couldn't keep themselves from joining in. They each took a quick look to see what key I was playing in, except Kevin who wouldn't know a music key if it hit him on the head, but then again he didn't need to know. Brian began to add a mellow bass line and Kevin added a soft rhythmic beat. Noel toyed about with a Hammond organ sound that perfectly suited the feel of what I was doing. Jon stood and listened for a long time with a thoughtful expression on his face. It was as if he didn't quite know what to do. When he did eventually join in, it wasn't anything like what I was expecting. He fiddled with his effects rack and began playing short strummed chords high on the fret board using his wah-wah pedal. It sounded a little incongruous and I shot him an unsure look. He grinned at me, shrugged, and shouted, "Bear with me." So I did.

We played through the chords which were now a verse and a chorus. I talked them through the idea I had and we tried it. I started on the piano with a slow Gospel feel and hummed the first verse. In the second verse Brian came in on the bass and Noel on the Hammond. The tempo picked up a little and Kevin joined us in the chorus with a soft bass drum beat and picking out the rhythm on the high hats. He came in fully for the third verse, but we kept Jon out until the second chorus when he added in his wah-wah guitar thing. It was surprisingly effective and changed the tone of the song into a rockier feel that let me pick up the intensity of the vocal line and lead to a strong finish.

We tried it again and this time, I just let my mind and mouth work away at putting out the lyrical ideas that had been swirling around in my head. It didn't often happen this way, but I basically just sang my way through the song and wrote the lyrics as we played. When we finished I hurriedly grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled down as much as I could remember. We played it again and I filled in the blanks and changed things about here and there until I was happy. The song was called 'Dreaming your life' and was a play on words about whether we were trying to live our dreams or dream our lives away. I liked it. The guys liked it. We now had nine songs.

----------*----------

On Friday morning, we did one practice run through our set and it was sounding pretty good. We decided to leave it there. "Now guys," I joked, "I want you all to make more effort in selecting your stage outfits and make sure you are comfortable with your look, OK?"

The looks I got from the four of them indicated that they had little intention of doing any such thing. I sighed, "So easy for you lot. Whereas I've got all the difficult decisions of getting the right outfit and the right look."

Noel grinned, "Cara darling, you don't need to worry, you will look absolutely gorgeous. But I find it hard to imagine you looking any better than you did last week."

I laughed and retorted, "That sounds like a challenge."

He shrugged, "What do you think Jon? Could she look any better than last week?"

Jon didn't look too thrilled about being dragged into the conversation. He shifted awkwardly, "Umm, I think she looks grand all the time."

Noel grinned, "Good answer. Tell you what Cara, if you look any better tonight than you did last week, drinks are on me."

After they had all packed up and left, Jon remained behind again. He looked like he had something on his mind. "What's eating you Jonboy?" I asked.

He exhaled slowly, "Noel's getting to me a little."

"How so?"

He shrugged and gave a wry smile, "You haven't heard the most of it, but he keeps implying that there's something between you and me."

I waved a hand, "Just ignore it."

He nodded, "I could if he would just let it rest. But he keeps pushing me. Asking me why I'm not interested and is there something wrong with me and the like." He paused for a moment, "He keeps saying that he thinks 'I'm in there'. Like as if you have the hots for me."

I wasn't sure what to say. I passed it off, "Jon, he's just spouting. You know that."

He grinned ruefully, "Yeah I guess. Gets to me though." He looked as if he was about to say something else and hesitated. I gave him the 'go on' look and he began hesitantly, "Well, it's just that after I deny any interest...well he then asks if it is OK for him to try his luck and make a move."

I screwed up my face, "Eww. And what did you say?"

"I know you wouldn't be interested so I tell him that I don't think you would go for it. And then he just accuses me of trying to put him off because I'm really interested." He spread his hands, "I don't know what to say."

I grinned, "Tell him he's right. Tell him that you're dead keen on me but just haven't got the nerve to tell me yourself."

He laughed, "Oh sure, like that's a likely story."

I joined in with his laughter, but deep down inside, I felt very strange. I felt hurt. I think it was because of his suggestion that it wasn't possible for him to be attracted to me. Or was it something more?

----------*----------

Although I knew I should not rise to Noel's baiting, I had decided that I was going all out to make a big impression that night. So after an intense afternoon of pampering myself, which I had to admit I found quite relaxing and enjoyable, I got myself ready. I picked out a low cut cream top with spaghetti shoulder straps and slipped it on. It was short and exposed my lower abdomen. I was in two minds, but eventually decided to go with the leather micro miniskirt that I had worn on New Year's Eve with sheer black stockings and my knee-high leather boots. I spent a lot of time brushing and styling my hair. Beth had left me a hair straightening kit which she had said I should try sometime. Since I had plenty of time, I tried it out and found that it removed the natural waviness from my long black hair. Looking in the mirror, I saw that I now had sleek, shiny, straight long black hair which fell to midway down my back. I was a little more daring with the makeup than I had been the previous week. I figured that as I was on stage I could get away with it. Bright red shiny lipstick, matching nails, long black lashes, and a touch of rouge to highlight my cheeks against my milky complexion. I picked out a pair of long dangly earrings and popped them into my ears. I looked at myself in the long mirror and had to smile. I slipped on a leather jacket and went out of my room to find Jools.

"My god Cara, are you planning on giving every man in the place a heart attack tonight?"

I winced, "Is it too much? I know it is a bit on the sexy side."

Jools grinned, "A bit? Honey, you are so far on the sexy side that the line has dropped out of sight."

I bit my lip, "I'll go change."

"No way! I mean, yes you look like a total sex kitten, but you look fabulous. It's not too much. It's just perfect." I must not have looked convinced for she carried on, "Yes OK, you wouldn't want to stand on a dark street corner dressed like that, but to be a rock chick on stage? Perfect."

I pouted, "I'm not a 'rock chick'."

Jools laughed, "Yeah right. Are you telling me you don't like the way you look."

I smiled primly, "That's irrelevant. I'm just dressing as the occasion demands."

----------*----------

I sauntered casually into the guys' dressing room without even knocking. I knew they wouldn't be changing or anything. In fact, I wouldn't have been surprised if they had been wearing the same casual gear they had had on that morning. Indeed, Kevin was. I smiled coolly, "Evening chaps."

I got stunned stares and silence in response. I batted my eyelids, "What? Cat got your tongues?"

Brian gave a low whistle but didn't say anything. Kevin swore under his breath. Jon was giving me a strange look and Noel was doing an impression of a fish as he tried to find some words to say.

I quirked an eyebrow at Noel, "I believe the words you are searching for are to convey the fact that indeed tonight the drinks are on you, no?"

He rubbed a finger around his collar, and sheepishly admitted, "You've got that right." Silence from the room again.

I rolled my eyes, "My oh my, it's as well I'm not insecure and seeking reassurance from you all as to whether I look OK."

Jon grinned at me and spoke quietly, "Cara, I think you can safely assume that we all think you look pretty amazing tonight."

"And then some," Brian added.

"Too flippin' right," Kevin said bouncing up and down on his stool.

I laughed, "OK OK, that's enough. We've got a show to do."

Just before we were about to head on stage, Jon took me aside and spoke softly into my ear, "Cara, are you sure you should go out on stage dressed like that?"

I frowned, "Dressed like what Jon?"

He shrugged, "Well dressed so sexily."

"Why? Don't I look good?"

He sighed, "You know you look good. Yes of course you look good, too good."

I shook my head, "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just that you look like every male's fantasy. The guys will practically be drooling over you. I mean you saw the effect you had on us when you came in."

I smiled at him, "Jon, seriously I'm fine. I like the way I look. It's not quite what I would wear for going shopping or doing the groceries, but for a stage performance, I'm perfectly comfortable dressed like this. Is it really a big problem?"

He shook his head, "No. Just be careful."

"Hey, are you trying to be a surrogate father or something?"

He chuckled, "Naw, more like a big brother watching out for you."

I was trying to think of a suitable response when the MC called out my name as he was introducing us. I led the guys out onto the little stage and smiled and waved at the crowd. There were quite a few cheers and wolf-whistles. We got into our positions and I slipped the strap of my Fender Stratocaster over my head. I looked around and as we were all ready, counted us in to 'No Half Measures'. It was loud and energetic. I enjoyed it. The guys enjoyed it and the crowd seemed to enjoy it too.

When the song finished, I spoke to the crowd. "Good evening everyone. I'm Cara Malone. Tell me, was anyone here last Friday night?" There were a few shouts in the affirmative. I gave a mock grimace and turned to Jon and in a stage whisper which the microphone could easily pick up said, "See, I told you we would need some new songs." There was laughter from the audience. I turned back to face them and asked, "Erm, was anyone who was here last week perhaps even slightly drunk at the time?" Again a few shouts of yes. I smiled and nodded, "Ah well, in that case, we'll all probably be fine then. Have a few drinks for me and we'll have a grand night. This next song actually is a new one and it's called 'Dreaming Your Life'."

The set was tight and was going well right up until I was about to introduce the last song. We were planning on finishing with 'I'm Coming Home'. However, as I stepped up to the microphone to speak, I heard Jon speaking into his microphone.

"Now folks, Cara thinks we're about to do the last song, but we've got a little surprise for her to keep her on her toes." The surprise that would have been evident on my face was not faked at all. It was all too real as I had no idea what Jon was about to do. He continued, "We in the band thought we'd set her a little challenge and see how she managed. We're going to do a song that she is not expecting and see if she is able to carry it off. Join in if you think she needs a little help." He put a lot of emphasis on the last word.

I felt my heart pound and I looked over at Jon and mouthed, "What on earth are you doing?"

He grinned and shrugged and counted the band in. As the introduction started I felt a little relief as I recognised it. It was 'Help', the old Beatles' classic song. I knew the words too, didn't everyone? So I decided to play along and give it what for. "When I was younger, so much younger than before, I never needed anybody's help in any way..." In the chorus I could hear some vague strains of singing from the audience and by the end of the song, almost everyone in the room must have been singing. The guys finished on a big loud chord and brought it to a sharp end. I laughed, they laughed and the audience laughed.

I shook my head and grinned wryly as I spoke into the mike, "I guess I'll let them away with it this time. Now as I was about to say..." I introduced the last song and it brought the set to a mellow close. The applause was loud and sounded genuine to me and I thanked the audience as we all waved and walked off stage. When we got into the dressing room I poked Jon in the ribs, "That was your idea wasn't it?"

He laughed, "Actually it was sort of a joint effort, but I'll take the credit for picking a song that I thought you would know."

"Just as well I knew it. We'd have looked pretty foolish if I didn't know it."

Jools came breezing in and interrupted us, "Fantastic guys! You really had the audience with you tonight and guess what, the manager wants you back here again next Friday night."

I laughed, "I suppose you told him that was fine as long as he doubled the fee again."

Jools winked, "You know me too well, that's exactly what I said, and he agreed again."

I shook my head in amusement, "I was joking Jools. You really are the limit."

Jon turned to the rest of the guys, "Looks like I'll have to pick another surprise song for Cara for next week too."

I was about to make a comment when Noel interjected, "Right, I think I promised the lady that drinks were on me if she somehow managed to better herself from last week and without a doubt, she has done so. Come on and follow me one and all."

I was happy enough to go out with them to the bar. I was keen to see if Kate had showed up. We all headed out and Noel got me a Coke as per my request. He asked if I was sure that I didn't want something stronger, and I assured him that Coke was fine. The club was quite full and there was a loud buzz of conversation around the large room. I heard a squeal behind me and I turned to find Kate rocketing towards me. She gave me a big hug and started to heap praise on me effusively, "Cara, that was amazing. You are fantastic. I really enjoyed that immensely."

I laughed, "Kate, steady on, you'll give me an ego problem."

She leant in close and whispered in my ear, "And how you look? Sheesh girl, you aren't exactly making it easy on me. Sure you don't want to reconsider the whole girl-girl thing?" She stepped back and gave a conspiratorial wink.

I laughed out loud and knew I was blushing, "Tempting offer, very tempting." Kate was looking fairly splendid herself. She was wearing a short green dress which complemented her red hair spectacularly. I could see that her long legs were attracting a bit of attention from the guys in the band. We chatted for a few minutes and she told me that she had dragged along a few more of her friends and colleagues from the office. Apparently they loved our show too and were for coming back next week also.

Kate gave me a strange grin, "Well I'd better be going I think." She leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek as she whispered, "If you don't want the girls, you'll have to deal with the guys." She turned, waved and headed back to her friends. I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about until I turned around and found three men sort of lingering behind me.

"Uhh hi," I said brightly.

They smiled and I could feel their eyes on my body. They looked like fairly normal guys though. "Hi Cara, I'm Ron," one of them said. The other two introduced themselves but I couldn't remember their names. They chatted to me about music, our show, and the songs. I sort of got the feeling that I was being chatted up. They weren't pushy or anything so I was happy enough just to talk to them. Ron began to look a little awkward and then he swallowed and said, "Err listen, you wouldn't maybe like want to grab a drink with me sometime?"

I was a little thrown and not quite sure how to respond. I was very relieved when I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder and turned to find it was Jon. I smiled at him.

"We'd better be going Cara," he said.

I turned back and smiled apologetically, "Sorry, I have to head on. I'll maybe see you guys again some time." They looked disappointed but smiled and said good bye. Jon kept his hand on my shoulder as he guided me through the crowd back to the dressing room.

"Thanks," I murmured as we headed down the corridor.

"You OK back there?"

"Yes I was fine. I think they were chatting me up though."

He laughed, "You think?" He chuckled to himself, "And there I was thinking they were asking you about the intricacies of the chord progression of 'Not Dancing, But Flying'." He laughed again.

I pouted, "Hey, not fair! I'm sort of new to all this, remember?"

He grinned, "You looked like a seasoned pro tonight."

I looked at him closely, "I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this once."

----------*----------

CHAPTER 23

It was with a heavy heart that I drove up to Cardiff on Saturday morning. I had been putting it off but knew that I should go and see my parents. This time I was going without the moral support of my sister. It was deliberate on my part. I had to feel that I could cope with seeing my parents without using Claire as a crutch every time. I arrived in time for lunch. The greetings were warm enough, but I sensed an undercurrent of concern from both of them. The conversation was polite and civilised over lunch and I updated them with what was happening on the musical front. They asked questions here and there, but I could tell that they weren't overly interested. After lunch Dad made some excuse about popping out for a message which I rightly interpreted as the cue for Mum to have a little chat with me.

"Nicola dear, are you OK?"

"Yes Mum, really I'm fine. Things are going well with me and I have to say that I can't recall being happier than I am now. Well in recent years anyway."

Her expression fell visibly, "Well that's good dear."

I winced, "Mum would you rather I was unhappy?"

"No, of course not. It's just that...," she sighed and her voice trailed off.

I finished it for her, "You were hoping I wouldn't be happy and would think about going back to being Nick."

She smiled ruefully and gave a little nod. "I'm sorry Nicola, I can't help it. But that is what your father and I were hoping for."

I didn't feel angry and it would not have helped. I thought for a few moments, "Mum would you prefer me to be Nick and miserable and a loser, or Nicola and happy and achieving what I've always wanted."

She screwed up her face, "I can't answer that."

I nodded, "I know." I reached for her hand and squeezed it, "Just try and think about that question though when you are thinking about me."

My mother squeezed my hand back. "And what about your...your...," she gestured to my bosom.

I laughed, "What about my breasts you mean?"

She looked embarrassed and nodded. "You haven't had any problems since the...surgery?"

I shook my head, "Not at all. I'm really pleased with them." I did feel very strange having this conversation with my mother, but I was only too pleased that my father had felt he was not up to participating.

She sighed, "Are you sure you know what you are doing?"

I nodded and spoke quietly, "Yes Mum. I am."

----------*----------

We had a quiet leisurely dinner together that evening and all things considered, it wasn't too bad. I got the impression that my parents were making a concerted effort to try and be relaxed and manage to spend time with me without having more confrontations. The next morning at breakfast I said that I would be happy to go to Church with them, but if it made them feel uncomfortable I said I would stay home. Dad actually gave me one of his rare smiles and told me that it was not in his nature to discourage any child of his from going to the house of the Lord. And so we went. I wore my conservative grey suit and certainly wasn't planning on attracting any attention to myself. It didn't quite work out like that.

We were there early as it was my father's turn to man the door. I sat with my mother and we chatted idly about this and that as the Church slowly began to fill up. My father appeared at the end of our pew with a young man in a dark suit.

"Nicola," my father said, "I wonder if you would be able to help us out."

I looked up and was puzzled, "What is it?"

"This is Nathan Jones our assistant minister," my father said.

I was still none the wiser, "Err hello?" I held out my hand almost as a reflex and he shook it and gave me a warm smile.

He said, "Nicola, we are in a bit of a fix. Our organist has just phoned to say he is unwell and can't make it. Mrs. Riordan who would normally fill in on the piano is away on holidays and I'm afraid the rest of us are a fairly untalented bunch in this area."

"Uh huh," I said noncommittally.

He smiled, "Well your father mentioned that you were a bit of a pianist and I wondered if you might be able to fill in. I'm so sorry to land on you like this with no notice what with you only visiting with us and all."

I hesitated and looked my mother and father and saw their expectant eyes on me. I sighed and shrugged and then gave Nathan a smile, "Sure. I'll try my best and I hope it will be alright."

"Thanks so much, I really appreciate it."

I left my position of obscurity and he escorted me to the front of the Church to the upright piano. I could see many of the already seated congregation looking at me and talking to their neighbours. No doubt they were wondering who on earth I was. I took a quick look at the hymns that were listed for the service. It had been a while since I had played in Church. I had done it fairly regularly in my teenage years and I thankfully recognised most of the pieces. The service started and I certainly thanked God for the musical ear and the sight-reading eye that He had given me as the service progressed. I managed to get through all of the pieces without losing my place or the congregation on the way.

At the end of the service I was closing the piano lid and turning to look for my parents when Nathan came up the aisle to where I was.

"Nicola, thank you again so much. You were magnificent and far too modest. You are an excellent pianist."

I felt myself flush a little and idly wondered where all the sympathetic nerves to my face had sprouted from in the past few months. "Thank you."

He shifted a little where he stood and gave me a hesitant smile, "I feel I should make it up to you somehow."

I was a little taken aback, "Oh that's not necessary at all."

He shook his head, "No please. I understand you are not from Cardiff whereas I am a native. I know you are only visiting for the weekend, but I would be delighted if I could take you on a walk around Cardiff Castle and its grounds this afternoon."

Now I was really knocked for six. Was the assistant minister of my parents' Church asking me out? What could I say? What would my parents think? However when I thought about it, what could I say? "Umm, that would be lovely thanks." He arranged to pick me up at three o'clock at my parents' house.

I walked back to the car with my parents. "You played very well dear."

"Thanks Mum."

"What was Nathan talking to you about at the end of the service?"

"Umm, well he was thanking me and he insisted that he repaid the favour by taking me for a walk around Cardiff Castle this afternoon."

My father stiffened a little and I could see him digesting this piece of information. "What did you say?" he asked.

I shrugged, "What could I say? He was fairly insistent. I said yes."

My father looked like he wanted to say a whole lot of things but nothing was coming out. So I continued, "It's not as if I'm going to marry him Dad. He wants to take me for a walk." We got into the car.

He nodded, "I'm just not happy about you deceiving him. He's a good man."

I shook my head, "Deceiving him? What you want me to tell him that I'll go for a walk with him as long as he doesn't mind that I used to be a man?"

My mother intervened, "Nicola, you know what he means."

"Yes I do. But you both have to realise that I'm not living my life wrapped in cotton wool. I have a life, I go out, I meet people. I am who you now see. This is me."

I knew after I said this that they would be wanting to ask me who exactly I met and went out with, but neither of them could bring themselves to ask. Our Sunday dinner was a little more awkward and the conversation stilted. It was almost a relief when the doorbell rang just after three. I had changed into a black roll neck sweater and knee-length denim skirt as it was more practical attire for going walking. Nathan smiled when I came out.

"Lovely to see you again Nicola." He was more casually attired and when I looked at him I guess he was what you would call handsome. Fairly tall, dark-haired, chiselled features. We made polite conversation as he drove us to the park. We covered the basic background details. He was in his final year of his theology degree and was student assistant at the Church with a view to becoming full time assistant minister the next year. He was very interested when he heard that I was about to enter the recording studio the very next day to record my own album. Despite my initial reticence, I soon relaxed. He was very polite and had a kind manner.

I grinned, "You know, I sort of feel uncomfortable going out this afternoon with a minister."

He laughed, "Well I'm not a fully fledged minister yet, but think how I feel as I have a rock star with me."

We walked around the castle and its grounds in the afternoon sunshine and I found that I was actually enjoying myself. Nathan was quite witty and wasn't the stereotypical picture of the village vicar that I had had in mind. I told him this and he laughed, "And you're not quite the stereotypical raunchy rock star that I pictured when you mentioned it."

I winced a little and he noticed it, "What? Did I say something wrong Nicola?"

I grinned ruefully, "Nathan, I tend to tone my image down a bit when I'm at my parents. I'm afraid that I may not appear quite as demure as you may think at other times."

He smiled, "Outward appearances aren't as important as what is inside and I do like to think that I am a fair judge of character."

"I'm afraid I'm not as good as I should be in that regard either."

"None of us are Nicola."

----------*----------

After my long drive back from Cardiff to London, I barely had the energy for more than a quick chat with Jools before I fell into bed. Perhaps it was a blessing as I was also too tired to get nervous about entering the recording studio the next day. However when I woke the next morning, my nerves caught up with me and wouldn't leave me alone. Kate sensed it during our run.

"You seem preoccupied this morning?" she commented.

I smiled apologetically, "Yeah. Sorry. I'm a little wound up about starting to record today."

"You'll be fine. From what I saw on Friday night, you have nothing to worry about."

I shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know. Playing live is different. It's supposed to be raw and to a certain extent rough and ready. I can do that. But recording is a more precise art where you are looking for perfection."

Kate laughed and winked, "I know perfection when I see it."

I laughed, "You're just a big flirt, you are."

She raised an eyebrow, "I can't deny that."

After an invigorating shower back at the apartment, I sat on the bed with my towel wrapped around me and contemplated what I should wear. It really shouldn't have mattered. I was only going to record, not to perform. I shook my head. That was not quite true. It was a performance, and for me I now realised that looks and appearance were an integral part of performance. Well for me they were. I couldn't quite imagine Jon or the other guys wasting too much brain time over choosing what they were going to wear today. I smirked to myself. Nick wouldn't have worried too much either. Things were simpler then I thought. I looked through my wardrobe and smiled to myself. Things were also much more boring too. I finally decided on a black body top and my checked miniskirt with the ubiquitous matching boots. A fair amount of time was spent in front of the mirror doing my hair and makeup. So much time in fact that Jools was banging on my door informing me that if I didn't hurry up I was not going to have time for breakfast. This was not a particular problem in my opinion given the current state of my digestive tract as I contemplated the day ahead.

When finally I was happy with my appearance, I left my room and joined Jools for a quick cup of coffee. Jools it seemed had also been spending time on the beauty front. She was sharply dressed in a black business suit. I grinned at her.

"Looking good Jools. Out to make an impression?"

She laughed and nodded at me, "Oh yes, as are you I see."

We were both nervous it seemed. Jools contended that it was worse for her. I could not work that one out so she elaborated, "Well at least the proceedings of what happens from here on are within your hands. Me? I can't do anything about it. I'm dependent on you guys not messing up and letting me down."

I laughed and gave her a quick poke in the ribs, "Hey and there was me thinking I had a hard job to do. How selfish of me not to see if from your side."

----------*----------

Air Studios was located in Lyndhurst Hall in Hampstead. It was a Victorian Church which later was used as a missionary school until it was bought by George Martin, the famous Beatles producer. He renovated it and relocated his Air Studios there. I drove us there and found a nearby parking space. It was a beautiful old building and had been restored to its former glory. We arrived just after nine o'clock and made our way into the reception area. We were greeted by a smiling woman who looked to be in her late twenties. She was a little taller than me and had shoulder length fair hair.

"Hi," she said brightly, "Are you Cara Malone?" She was looking at me.

"Yes," I said as I smiled shyly.

"Great! I've been expecting you. I'm Laura Neeson. I guess I'm sort of the morale officer of Air Studios." She must have seen the puzzled look on my face so she continued, "Well, my job is to make sure that all our clients are well catered for during their time here with us. If you have any problems with the facilities here, if there is anything you need, give me a shout and I'll see what I can do."

I nodded, "OK Laura, nice to meet you. Are any of my band here yet?"

She checked her clipboard, "Let me see. Jon, Kevin and Brian are here. Oh and Mr. Andrews is also here too. Shall I take you through to Studio 1?"

We nodded our assent and she led the way. She gave us a mini guided tour of the building on the way and I was almost overcome at the scale of the Lyndhurst Hall studio. It was the auditorium of the former Church and it was massive. High ceilings and stained glass windows. It was awesome. Laura noticed my expression, "It's quite impressive isn't it?"

"I'll say," I murmured.

"It's most often used for orchestral recordings and the like."

She led us into Studio 1 which was everything like you would imagine a modern state of the art recording studio to be. From the anteroom she led us into the control room where two men were talking together. Through the large window I could see into the main studio and saw the three guys setting up their equipment. At the sound of our entrance the two men turned around and stopped talking.

Laura introduced us, "Cara Malone and Julie Carstairs, meet Steve Yarwood, your producer and Tom Dickson, your sound engineer." She then excused herself and said she would send Noel up when he arrived.

"Hi," I said shyly and smiled.

Steve seemed to be the opposite of Tom. Whereas Steve was tall and bulky in build, Tom was diminutive and wiry. Steve was fair haired with a light complexion and Tom had tanned features and jet black hair. Steve leaned back against the console and turned to Tom, "Just as I feared Tom, just as I feared."

Tom nodded and with a large intake of breath sighed, "Yep. Seems like it."

I was a little perturbed and confused. I looked at Jools but she returned my look blankly. "Erm, is there a problem," I asked.

Steve looked back at me with a deadpan expression on his face, "I'm afraid so. You see we keep telling all these record company executives to stop making our job more difficult than it already is."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

Tom nodded, "I don't understand either. It would be a lot simpler otherwise."

I screwed up my face, I was totally lost, "Otherwise?"

Steve nodded, "Yes. You see it's hard enough to focus on the job at hand. Recording is a fine art which requires full concentration. It's a difficult job."

I was starting to get worried now. Was there some mistake? "I'm not sure I understand the problem."

Steve nodded and tutted. "It's so much harder to focus on making a good record when they keep sending beautiful girls down to us. A real distraction, wouldn't you say Tom?"

I really wasn't sure how to take this bizarre exchange. I didn't know what to say, but it was Tom who spoke anyway with a furrowed brow, "Absolutely Steve. Do you think we could ask her to try to not look so pretty?"

Steve turned to Tom and shook his head with a grimace, "No, look at her. Impossible. Wouldn't work. Good thought though."

Tom nodded and sighed, "And you know, I bet she's fantastically talented too."

Steve nodded grimly, "You're probably right. Makes it even harder."

Tom inclined his head, "Yep Steve. I think I'm in love."

At this point I laughed and both of them looked at me quizzically. "You're winding me up," I said.

They both looked at each other blankly and Tom spoke, "She doesn't believe us."

Steve shook his head, "Probably better for all concerned that way." He turned to face me and I thought I detected a little wink. He smiled and held out his hand, "Delighted to meet you Cara."

I shook both of their hands and still didn't quite know how to take them. "So is the comedy double act part of the package or do we pay extra for it?" I asked with a twinkle in my eye. I was determined to hold my ground with them.

Tom looked up at Steve, "Feisty too. Just my kind of girl."

Steve smirked at me, "Oh it's most definitely extra. Well we can't sit around chatting all day, I think we have work to do."

"So what do I do?" I asked brightly.

Tom smiled at me and winked, "You're the star. You wait 'til we are all set up and then we call you in to work your magic. No seriously, we are going to work with the guys on getting their gear set up and then test the acoustics of the instruments. We'll do a lot of work on getting their sound space sorted out, work on how we are going to record them and so on. Boring technical stuff. We have an artist's lounge through there with refreshments, DVD player, hi-fi and the like."

I smiled, "I don't think it sounds boring, actually I'm quite fascinated and if you don't mind I'd like to watch what you do."

Steve raised an eyebrow and turned to Tom and muttered at a volume that he knew we could hear, "I give her 'til lunchtime and she'll be bored and in the lounge."

"Ten quid and you're on," Tom muttered back and held out his hand.

Steve shook it and nodded, "Deal."

I turned to Jools and rolled my eyes and in my own loud mutter said, "I can see I'm going to have trouble with these two."

----------*----------

Steve won his ten pounds from Tom. By lunchtime I was indeed in the artist's lounge. The first few hours of trying different drum microphones was barely enough to keep me awake. Noel had arrived late and got set up too. Jon was adamant that he was going to have his guitar amp miked and was not going to consider a direct line out from his amp. He was a purist on this sort of thing. Analogue was the only way according to him. Each of them loved the occasion. They had a sound engineer pandering to their every whim and they were in no mood to rush the experience.

Jools and I met Simon in the artist's lounge who was talking away on his mobile as we entered. He finished up and we chatted and enjoyed a coffee from the rather excellent brew on offer from the percolator.

"So how's the first day Cara?" Simon asked.

I laughed, "I feel like a bit of a fraud to be honest. I haven't done anything."

He grinned, "I'm sure in a few days you'll wish you had some downtime. Once they get going, it will be all systems go. Can we talk about potential singles? I'm keen to get some promotional wheels into motion."

We talked and discussed for most of the afternoon. It had to be said that Simon did seem to have a lot of good ideas on the marketing front. I had been thinking about what would be a good first single and was toying with 'No Half Measures'. Simon couldn't quite remember which one that was so I went into the studio and interrupted the boys with their toys so I could grab my semi acoustic guitar. I brought it through and played the song for Simon. It sparked his memory and he agreed that it would be a good one to debut with. We talked about the different things that would be involved in promoting and launching it and before I knew it, it was five o'clock and the guys piled in for some refreshments.

Jon plonked himself down beside me and sighed. I smiled, "You look tired?"

He nodded and gave me a grin, "Yeah, hard work but great you know."

I laughed, "What are you like? I can't believe you enjoyed all that."

He raised an eyebrow, "What's not to enjoy? I've spent all day creating perfect guitar sounds."

"So is that you ready?"

He grinned goofily, "Well not really, we still have to work on the various different effects settings. You should see the range of 19 inch rack units they have in there..." He must have seen me glazing over and he stopped, "Well OK, it excites me anyway."

"So there is more of this tomorrow?"

He nodded, "Steve and Tom reckon that one more day will have all the gear sounding great and we'll be ready to start."

"What about my guitars?" I asked. I was sort of dreading going through the whole procedure of trying different sounds.

Jon smiled at me, "Well, if you wanted, I would be happy to sort out your guitars tomorrow?"

I smiled sweetly, "Oh would you? That would be great. You are so much better at that sort of thing than I am."

He laughed, "All right. That's enough. I said I would do it. So what are you going to do tomorrow then?"

Simon was sitting nearby and he had overheard our exchange, "Excuse me for butting in, but Cara this could be quite fortuitous. If you are free tomorrow, perhaps you might be able to come down to Sony and we could see about maybe doing a quick photo shoot. It would be great to get some promo shots of you and maybe even the cover photos for the single. Let me just ring over and see if our photographer has anything lined up for tomorrow."

I was a little flummoxed and said, "Umm OK I guess." This was all a little sudden, but he was already on his phone talking away. After a few minutes he smiled and finished up his conversation. He ended the call and grinned at me, "Great, he's free tomorrow, so we can really get ourselves ahead of schedule."

I felt somewhat overwhelmed and before I could stop myself the words were out of my mouth, "But what will I wear?"

I could hear Jon sniggering as I said this and I narrowed my eyes and gave him a mock scowl. I turned back to Simon who was smiling, "No problem Cara, we have a full wardrobe in our PR department and I am sure our wardrobe girls will have no bother finding something that looks good on you."

I nodded and took a deep breath, "OK then, I guess that's all sorted."

----------*----------

As I pushed open the door of Sony HQ, I murmured to Jools, "I'm absolutely terrified."

She squeezed my arm sympathetically, "I know, but don't worry. Are you worried about them discovering...something they shouldn't?"

I knew what she meant. But I had taken to wearing my 'insurance policy' as I thought about it. I just felt so much safer when I knew that all things down below were not only hidden but locked out of the view of prying eyes. Whilst the wearing of such an item was not quite mainstream to say the least, it would be somewhat easier to explain away rather than the underlying truth itself.

I shook my head, "No, I'm not particularly worried about that. It's just the thought of so much attention."

Jools smiled softly, "Hey Miss Rock Star, isn't this what you've always wanted?"

I wrinkled my forehead, "I guess. Well not really. I've wanted to share my music, to be able to perform it, to communicate through it. All this glitz stuff...I don't know about that."

Jools chuckled, "Oh come on. Isn't there a teeny weeny part of you that is really loving this and looking forward to it?"

I smiled guiltily and shrugged, "Well, maybe just a little."

Jools nodded smugly as we got out of the elevator on the seventh floor, "As I thought. There is a bit of an exhibitionist in there underneath all that pretence of shyness."

I would have protested, but we were interrupted by Simon Andrews coming along the corridor to meet us. We exchanged pleasantries and then it was down to business. He took me in to meet the girls in the wardrobe and makeup departments. He then seemed happy to take his leave of us in what was obviously not an environment in which he felt overly comfortable. Kerry was the makeup artist I was introduced to and she shepherded me into her corner and began to work her magic on me. I had only put a smattering of subtle makeup on, suitable for daytime wear. She cleaned me up and started again. When she was finished, I was quite impressed. I had never seen my lashes look as long and luscious as they did now. My eyes were strikingly made up and my lips were as red and full as I had seen them.

"Well?" she asked with a smile.

"I look beautiful," I murmured.

She grinned and winked, "Hey I know that, but what do you think of your makeup?"

I blushed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so vain. I was talking about how you had made me look."

She chuckled, "There's only so much I can do, but I think we've made a good team. Now let me have a few minutes to style your hair and then it will be time to let Helen and Jess have a go at you."

The latter were the wardrobe assistants. Helen was the older of the two. She was more mother-like too. Jess was around my age and seemed bubbly and enthusiastic. I soon learned that they worked well together. Jess would be overcome with enthusiasm for a certain outfit, but Helen's maturity and more measured approach would moderate Jess's over exuberance. I was glad of this as some of the outfits Jess wanted me to try were positively indecent. We eventually decided to start with the classic little black dress, black stockings and high heels.

At last, I was ready to head out to the photography studio. Simon was talking to a tall angular man who had his back to me as I entered. Simon smiled and drew the man's attention to me. "Ah here she comes, looking resplendent as ever."

The man turned to me and smiled. I could see that he was appraising me and looking me up and down, but it was not the usual almost lascivious type of look that I had got used to. It was more like a professional assessment. He paused for a moment and then gave an almost imperceptible nod and walked over to me, "G'day Cara. S'a pleasure. Name's Rod." He was Australian and he was the photographer.

I was extremely uptight and I think he could sense it. He had obviously done this before. He didn't tell me to relax as the one thing guaranteed to make you more uptight is someone telling you to relax. He just began to quip joke after joke. All simple one-liners which were more likely to make you groan than laugh. After a while I couldn't help myself and couldn't stop myself from smiling as he cracked more and more corny jokes. He just lifted his camera from where it hung around his neck and began to snap picture after picture as he walked around me, all the while continuing his monologue stand up routine.

"More relaxed now sweetheart?" he asked. From others it would have sounded patronising. But with his accent and attitude it sounded entirely appropriate. I was more relaxed and he began to do some set poses. He wasn't pushy and had a very laidback manner which did help to put me at ease. He would continually compliment me and tell me how lovely I looked and how easy I was making his job. I was sure he said this to all his subjects, but it did make me more settled and confident. He got me to the stage of making pouty faces at the camera. He made it seem like a joke and encouraged me more and more. There were a few outfit changes during the morning. Just before lunch I was wearing a corselette-like low cut strappy top and fitted black slacks. Rod seemed to really like this look and got me to toss my head from side to side which sent my hair swirling around my head as he took photo after photo. At last he declared that he was finished.

As if on cue, Simon appeared again. "Things go OK?" he asked Rod.

Rod grinned, "Couldn't be better, you'll have no problems getting plenty of usable material from what we've done this morning." He turned to me and winked, "You're gorgeous babe."

I laughed self-consciously and tried to deflect his words, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

Rod grinned, "The camera may lie, but my eyes don't."

Kerry wanted to know if I wanted to get my makeup cleaned off, but I was happy enough to stick with it as it was. I got changed back into the clothes I had arrived in though, my lilac top and black trousers, and Simon took me to the canteen for lunch. Jools had left mid morning as she was getting bored and had some other things to do. I was continuing to warm to him. The parts of his manner which I had initially objected to were just part of the job I realised. When he relaxed, he was more normal. Although I was happy to chat fairly freely, he kept asking me questions about myself. I couldn't decide if it was polite interest or professional fishing for information. I kept my wits about me and tried to avoid too much detail wherever possible.

----------*----------

After lunch, Simon offered to drive me over to Air Studios. He said he was wanting to head over and see how things were going. I gratefully accepted. When we arrived, the guys actually stopped what they were doing and noticed that I had arrived. That was nice of them.

"How's it going?" I asked Jon.

He grinned like a little boy, "I love being a rock star."

I rolled my eyes, "Still doing your sound anorak stuff then?"

Steve overheard and chuckled, "We're actually pretty much done. Do you want to check out your guitar and the foldback settings?"

I shrugged and smiled, "I guess so. It's what I'm here for after all."

It sounded fine to me. I played a bit with my acoustic and my fender and then went into the control room to hear it back. I couldn't quite appreciate the finer nuances that Jon and Tom went on about. I just nodded and smiled at them. They sighed and shared a look that probably could be interpreted as condescending to me. I just ignored it.

We were all in the control room and Steve got our attention, "Alright gentleman...and the lovely lady. Why don't you all head into the studio, do a few songs and we'll make sure you are all happy with how you sound. It will give Tom and me an idea of what the overall sound is like and let us see if there are any major problems. Better to find out now rather than just after the best take of any given song."

It was good to actually play music. We did a few numbers ranging from the rockier ones to the more mellow ones. It was refreshing to do what I felt comfortable with compared to the tension of the morning that was just past. We listened to them played back in the control room. They were far from perfect, but Steve and Tom twiddled various knobs and moved sliders here and there. They were continually murmuring to each other and then changing something else. When we had listened to all we had done Steve nodded, "OK, not bad for a start. A few things for Tom and me to work on, but we've got the foundations ready. I'd say we're ready to roll tomorrow morning." There was a general murmur of approval from the gathered audience.

----------*----------

If I were to tell you that recording was a glamorous business, I would be lying. If I were to tell you that it was always enjoyable, stimulating, fulfilling and never boring, I would have a nose to rival Pinocchio's. It was hard work and although there was the buzz and excitement due to the novelty of the first morning's real recording, it soon waned and we settled down to what we all began to realise was going to be a hard graft.

We were working on getting 'No Half Measures' down as it was going to be the first single. After agreeing on the final structure of the song, Steve got Jon and Kevin to lay down a basic rhythm guitar and drum track to give us a skeleton on which to build the song. There is more than one way to skin a cat as the saying goes, and correspondingly there are many ways to record a song. One is to do it piecemeal: get a basic backing track down to act as a guide and then begin to add the individual tracks layer upon layer and eventually drop the initial tracks. The advantage of doing it this way is that by doing it one instrument at a time you get to focus on that track and make sure the sound is clean and the performance is as good as you want to get it.

The backing tracks from Jon and Kevin were laid down after a few attempts and then Steve suggested getting Brian to do the bass track. Although again it took a number of takes, we could see that it all took time and before we knew it, it was lunchtime. Noel was up next and he did his thing. After an hour or so, Steve and Noel were happy. I noticed there was some murmuring going on between Steve, Tom and Jon and they looked my direction every once in a while. Curiosity got the better of me and I wandered over.

"What's up guys?"

They looked at me and smiled and all had this guilty look on their faces.

"What is it?" I asked again.

Steve smiled apologetically, "Look Cara, we were going to move onto the rhythm guitar track and I know you usually play rhythm on this song. Now don't take this the wrong way at all, but in recording we are looking for the sharpest most polished performance. When someone plays live, it is different: there is the energy of performance there to create vitality. When recording a song, it takes all you can give to bring the sound to life."

I caught the drift and interrupted, "So you think it would be better if Jon laid down the rhythm guitar track as he is a more accomplished guitarist?"

Jon winced and they all nodded. I shrugged, "Makes sense to me."

Jon spoke gently, "You don't mind?"

I laughed, "Jon, there is no way I am half the guitarist you are. I know that. I'm not going to get all territorial over this. I wrote the song, I'm going to sing it, you can play all the guitars on the album for all I care." They were all still looking at me as if I were an unexploded bomb. I sighed, "Seriously guys, it's no big deal. Less talk, more play and record?"

They grinned and got to it. Jon had the simple rhythm track laid down by the third attempt. Then things got more complicated. Kevin probably had the hardest job of all. When the others were playing their parts, they had the initial drum backing track to drive the rhythm and act as the metronome for playing their parts. Poor Kevin now had to do the full drum part either whilst listening to his original track which was hard, or without any drum track playing which meant he had to anticipate the rhythm all the way through. I soon realised that this was not going to be a quick procedure and retired to the artist's lounge. One by one Brian, Noel and Jon filtered in as they reached the same conclusion. By five o'clock, we realised that the rest of us would not have anything else to contribute that day, so we headed on leaving poor Kevin struggling with Steve and Tom doing their best to work him through it. I made a mental note to bring a book to read on subsequent days.

----------*----------

It was mid morning on Thursday when an exhausted and drained looking Kevin downed sticks having laid down what we all agreed was a fantastic track. He smiled mirthlessly and said he was going home for the rest of the day. He had been here until 9 p.m. the previous evening with Steve and Tom. No-one tried to stop him.

After he left Steve commented, "It's always hardest for the drummers. He'll get used to it and it won't be as hard on subsequent songs." This was one of the disadvantages of doing the recording track by track. It was artificial. The rest of the band only existed in your headphones and you had to make your part merge seamlessly with theirs. Jon was up next for his lead guitar track. Predictably, he got most of it down pat before too long, but equally as predictably he was not quite happy with his solo. And so Steve and Tom dropped the solo section from his original track and we spent over an hour with Jon doing nothing but the solo over and over again. After another attempt which to my ear sounded better then perfect, he still was not happy.

"Oh for goodness sake Jon, give it up; it sounds fantastic, wonderful, awesome. Drop it would you?" I snapped. I took a breath and then sighed and apologised, "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound off at you. I guess I'm a little frustrated at not having actually contributed anything myself yet."

Jon shrugged, "It's OK. You really think it's good enough?"

Steve groaned, "Hell yes. I'm just glad Cara had the good sense to speak out."

Jon chuckled, "Alright, well then I guess I'm done then."

Then it was my turn. I entered the vocal booth for the first time. It was a little cramped, but not too claustrophobic. I popped my headphones on and Steve in the control room, spoke to me, "Alright Cara, let's check foldback levels. We'll start it up, you sing the first verse and chorus and then we'll stop and see if you are happy with the mix." I did as I was bid and after a few tweaks, it sounded good enough in my headphones for me to give it a try. I thought the first attempt wasn't bad. That is until I heard the playback in the control room.

I groaned, "Gah! I sound like a lifeless damp rag."

Tom chuckled sympathetically, "You are used to playing live. When recording it can sound quite sterile. You need to overemphasise it. You'll think you are overdoing it, but that's what it takes."

I thanked Tom for his advice and tried to put it into practice. He was right, I really went for it and it did sound better. Not good enough though. After another few run throughs I wasn't sure what sounded good any more.

"Cara seriously, I think that sounds great. It's got bite, feeling, emotion - it's perfect," Steve said.

I sighed, "I don't know, I think I could do better."

Tom groaned, "Don't tell me we have two perfectionists in the one band. We're going to be here all year." He was sort of joking, but he was making a point at the same time.

Steve nodded, "You can always do better, but the professional knows when it is good enough and when the effort to try and better it is not worth the strain it will put on your voice."

Noel wanted to try a few other layers with the keyboards and added a few subtle things here and there which did sound pretty good. Then Brian and Jon added their simple vocal harmonies. Finally Steve called the rest of us in to the control room and turned up the volume to play the finished product. After doing it in bits here and there, it was quite startling to hear it all together at last. We were all impressed - it sounded alive, crystal clear quality and although I was almost sick of the song already, I couldn't help but feel proud of what we had done. The rest of them felt the same way.

"Two whole days for one bloody song though," Noel lamented.

Steve chuckled, "That's good. Believe you me, there will be some that will take a lot longer. Now why don't you all clear off and let Tom and I do the final mix down? Sony are champing at the bit to get this single cut."

----------*----------

Sony, well in the person of Simon Andrews, were delighted to hear the single the next day. He positively gushed over me about how brilliant it was. I played it down and wrote it off as flattery. The guys were working on laying down tracks for 'Living Life in Colour' and Simon wanted to talk to me about the video. I don't know why, but the fact that I would have to do a video had passed me by. Of course it seems obvious, but I hadn't thought about it at all.

"We've got a great guy in mind Cara. Herby Tolerton, heard of him? No of course, you probably wouldn't have. Great mind, great vision, a real fun guy. As camp as anything, but knows his stuff. He's just finishing another project today and I'd be really keen for him to meet you and talk over some ideas. Time is of the essence, so could you meet up with him and me tonight?"

I shrugged, "Sure that sounds fine. Oh wait!" I had forgotten about the gig, "We're playing a gig at 'The Den' tonight."

"A gig?" His face darkened and he frowned, "Hmm. An unauthorised performance?"

I shrugged, "Jools organised it."

"I'm going to have to talk to her about this."

I hoped I hadn't dropped her in it. She arrived late morning after he had phoned her and there was a fairly heated exchange. Simon contended that the contract precluded any authorised performances. Jools disagreed. She told him to read it again. According to her, unauthorised performances were not permitted for any Sony artist who had released a record. As she reminded him, I had not yet released a record and therefore there was no breach of contract. He knew she was right and eventually backed down. I could have told him not to take Jools on; my money had been on her from the start. He still looked miffed though.

"How about if Herby could come down to the gig?" he suggested with a little degree of petulance.

I shrugged, "That would be perfect."

----------*----------

I wore a short little red dress and matching pumps for the gig. I got the usual goggle eyes from the guys beforehand.

I sighed, "Oh come on, you've seen me like this before."

Noel grinned, "Sweetheart, never going to get tired of seeing you in all your finery."

I made a face and felt mildly repulsed and was about to make a retort when Simon breezed in with someone in tow. "Ah Cara, there you are. I want you to meet Herby Tolerton."

Herby Tolerton was balding, medium height and was wearing black leather trousers, a long loose white shirt with the top 3 buttons open and a red scarf tied around his neck. I thought he was indeed quite camp until he spoke. After he opened his mouth, I thought he was the personification of the word camp. However he had a warm ebullient manner which made it impossible to dislike him and he had an aura of energy about him.

"Cara my darling, you look positively adorable," he took my hand, but instead of shaking it, he planted a light kiss on the back of it. I knew I was blushing. "Oh praise the heavens above for giving me such a canvas with which to create a masterpiece." He turned to Simon, "By far the loveliest creature you have sent my way to date. Where did you find her?"

Simon laughed, "Oh she found us..." He was going to continue, but Herby was away again.

"Cara sweetnees, I know we will get along famously and I can't wait to begin production on your first video. I feel privileged to have this tremendous opportunity."

I didn't quite know how to respond. With Herby I realised that that didn't matter as response was optional as he continued, "So Simon, when can we start?"

Simon was a little taken aback, "Err, well. Do you know what you want to do?"

Herby didn't miss a beat, "Not the faintest idea, but I know that watching this flower perform tonight will surely inspire me and I am a firm believer in riding the wave of inspiration when it breaks its sweet waters upon you."

Simon looked at me and I shrugged. He looked to the band, "Anyone got any major plans next week?" Shakes of the head. He knew we were recording and if he was happy to go ahead with the video shoot, so were we.

Kevin quipped, "Not any more."

Simon turned back to Herby, "Well, I guess we have a video shoot starting Monday. Where do you want to do it?"

"Not the faintest idea," Herby admitted amiably, "Now come along dear fellow, we must get ourselves good seats. Break a leg!" He waved as he headed out with Simon fussing along in his wake. We just looked at each other and laughed.

"This will be interesting," Brian murmured dryly.

----------*----------

We opened the show as usual with 'No Half Measures' and it was note perfect. It would need to have been mind you with all the practice we had had this past week. The show was going really well. That is until just before what I thought was the last song. We were planning to finish with 'Not dancing, but Flying'. As the penultimate song finished, I was a little nervous given the stunt the boys had pulled on me the previous week. My nerves were justified as Jon took over the mike again.

"She did well last week folks," he said, "so we thought we'd put our lovely Cara to the test again. She has no idea what song we are going to do, let's see how she copes."

I really had no idea what was coming. When they started the introduction to the song, my first feeling was relief at actually recognising what it was and knowing I could sing it. The second feeling was almost like a kick in the stomach as the reality of what the song was hit me. It was the Aerosmith song 'Dude looks like a lady'. I knew it all right and began to sing. But my mind and heart weren't in it. My mind was racing. It had to have been Jon who chose it. He was the only one who knew my music knowledge well enough. I felt hurt and betrayed that he could think of doing this to me. I felt embarrassed although I was pretty sure that no-one in the audience would think anything of it. We finished the song.

I couldn't bring myself to make any comment or to do a lengthy intro for our last song. All I could manage was, "Thanks, you've been a great audience. We're going to finish with this one. Good night." I wasn't able to put much feeling into it for once and as soon as it was over I waved to the audience, forced a smile and walked off the stage. I was fuming and didn't know what to do or say. I stood in the backstage corridor and waited for him. The guys were laughing and joking and talking about the performance. They stopped when they saw my face.

"What's wrong?" Jon asked.

I clenched and unclenched my fists. I'm afraid I wasn't too rational and couldn't manage anything more than spitting out the word, "Bastard!" before turning and walking away as the tears stung my eyes.

"Cara wait!" he called but I kept on walking. I heard his footsteps running to catch up with me, "Wait up." He put a hand on my shoulder and I swung round.

"How could you," I hissed.

"What? The song? I knew you would know it."

"That's not it. That song. How could you do that to me?"

He winced, "Aww come on, it's just a little joke. Not another person in the world would think there is anything more to it."

"Not another person except me." My voice almost cracked and I rubbed my eyes. "Did you stop to think what I might think about it? Did you? Did you think that I might not find it funny? That it might actually be hurtful to me?"

His face fell, "Gee Cara, I'm sorry." He put his hand on my arm and I wrenched it away forcefully.

"Take your hands off me," I snapped. I turned away as I felt my eyes filling with tears. Looking back it seems a little irrational and you may think I was overreacting. It is hard to explain exactly how I felt just then, but it was more a feeling of betrayal than anything else. A feeling that I was not being taken seriously. Particularly by someone who meant a lot to me. I stormed off down the corridor towards a somewhat perplexed looking Jools who had just come through and witnessed part of this exchange.

"Cara wait up," he called and I heard him start to follow me.

I wheeled around and with my eyes flashing shouted, "Leave me alone you asshole!" I turned back and as I walked towards Jools I could hear Kevin talking to Jon, "What's wrong with her?" I overheard Noel's snide comment, "Lovers' tiff?" to which Jon justifiably replied, "Sod off Noel."

"My God, what happened?" Jools asked. Her expression though showed that she had a good idea of what was wrong. I knew it was coming and there was nothing I could do but let it come. I burst into tears. "I just want to go home Jools."

----------*----------

It sounds pathetic, but I cried myself to sleep that night. Was it overreaction? Was it a culmination of the stresses of the week? I didn't know. I slept late the next morning and eventually awoke to find Jools sitting on the edge of my bed with a tray in her hands.

"Breakfast?" she said softly with a smile.

I forced a smile and offered her token thanks and took the tray. "Feel like talking about it?" she asked. I took a mouthful of cereal and shook my head. Sensing that my mood hadn't been improved much by a night's sleep, Jools took her cue and left me alone again. It was close to lunchtime before I dragged myself out of bed to shower and dress. I moped around most of the afternoon in an old tracksuit. I flicked channels on the TV, watched some old movies and generally felt a mixture of self pity and embarrassment at how I had behaved. I was still angry though.

By teatime, Jools had had enough. "Alright, look I know you're pissed about last night, but you're going to have to talk to me. You've mooched about all day and I've given you your space. Now it's time to talk."

I screwed up my face but the look on Jools' face showed that she meant business. "OK," I conceded.

"Well, tell me how you are feeling."

I sighed. "Hurt, angry, betrayed. That about sums it up."

Jools nodded and probed gently, "No-one would have thought anything about you singing that song."

I nodded and felt as if my insides were churning. I didn't want to go down this line of conversation and I just shrugged. Jools was not that easy to put off though.

"Well?"

"I guess not," I admitted.

"So is that all that annoyed you?"

I gave in, "OK, it's not that at all. It's because it was Jon that picked it. It's like he is making a joke of who I am. Ha ha, laugh at Nick playing girl, isn't it funny?" My voice took on a really sardonic tone, "Let's all laugh at Nick's expense."

Jools let me cool down before she gently stated, "You aren't Nick, you are Cara."

I flashed back at her, "I know who the hell I am, perhaps someone should tell Jon that."

"You care for him don't you?"

"What has that got to do with anything? I thought we were good friends. Good friends don't hurt each other." As I said the words I realised how ridiculous they were, because as history and experience have proven time and time again, good friends do indeed hurt each other. In fact, the greatest hurt often comes from those who are closest to us.

Jools was about to say something else when the phone rang. She picked it up, "Hello?" "Hold on."

She covered the mouthpiece, and looked at me, "It's Jon. He wants to talk to you."

I shook my head. She inclined her head at me and gave me a pleading look but I couldn't face it. "Jools, I can't. Not now."

She nodded reluctantly and spoke into the mouthpiece, "Jon, she can't come to the phone right now." I'm sure he knew what she meant. Jools listened for a moment and nodded, "OK. I will. Bye."

"What did he want?" I asked sullenly.

"He wanted to apologise to you if you would give him the chance. I mean, what do you want? Do you want to stay mad at him or give him an opportunity to make things right?" She was right and she knew it. I knew it. I just couldn't admit it yet. She knew that too.

----------*----------

I went to bed early and still felt lousy. The next morning Jools marched in around nine o'clock, "Come on, Cara. No more lying about. It's a lovely day outside. Come and have breakfast with me."

I thought about telling her where to go but then realised that it was unfair to take things out on her. I grimaced but agreed. "OK, give me half an hour to shower and dress." I made a little more effort today. A blouse and a pair of jeans. No makeup. No frills.

I came out of my room to the smell of bacon and eggs. Jools smiled brightly, "Breakfast is served."

Despite myself I smiled and Jools gave a look of mock terror, "Oh my goodness, it smiles!"

I stuck my tongue out at her and grinned as I sat down. I was quite hungry and tucked in to what she had prepared. Afterwards I smiled sheepishly, "Thanks Jools and I'm sorry for being a bitch."

Jools shrugged and smirked, "It's a woman's prerogative from time to time." She checked her watch and then in a strange voice said, "Oh why don't we listen to some music, let me put the radio on." I was puzzled. Jools rarely listened to the radio. "Hmm," she said theatrically, "I feel like some Radio 2." She tuned in the radio. It was Steve Wright's Love Songs on a Sunday morning. I was really puzzled now and was about to say something but she shushed me, "Listen!"

"...the next request comes from Jon and simply says, 'Cara, I'm sorry'..." The song started and I knew it immediately. It was 'Three times a lady', the old Commodores' classic sung by Lionel Ritchie. I couldn't help myself but smile as I sat there and then the dreaded happened again. I felt overcome with emotion and I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Jools noticed and she moved round to stand behind me and she put her arms around me and hugged me as I sobbed. The song finished and I grabbed a hankie for my eyes and turned to Jools and forced a smile as I accused her, "You were in on this weren't you?"

She shrugged, "Not really, a little birdy just told me to make sure you were listening to Radio 2 around this time today."

The doorbell rang and Jools grinned, "Now I wonder who that could be." We both had a fair idea and we were right. Jools came back up the stairs and Jon followed her in looking sheepish. He hung back and smiled cautiously at me, "Cara. I'm so sorry, I really am. Can I talk to you?"

I sighed, "Of course you can Jon, come on over and sit down."

He took a seat beside me and looked awkward. Jools tactfully thought up something she had to do in her bedroom. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

I raised an eyebrow, "I think you said that already."

He nodded, "I really really mean it. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I know I must have hurt you and I want you to know I never meant to do that. It's the last thing I want to do."

I nodded and regarded him honestly, "I'm not going to lie Jon, it did really hurt me. Now I know I might be oversensitive and might have overreacted, but it did hurt."

He winced and looked away for a moment. "I really didn't mean to."

"I know you might think it was only a joke, but with all that I have gone through Jon, this is no joke to me. I'm trying to move on with my life and to have such reminders tossed at me is not very helpful. This is who I am and to have that mocked and thrown about as something no more meaningful than a joke...and for it to be you that did it..."

He nodded, "I know, I was thoughtless. I'm a total ass and I know I shouldn't remind you of...well you know what." He paused and then looked back at me, "Do you want to know why I think I did it?"

"Go on," I said slowly.

He sighed and chewed his lip, "Because when I look at you, I keep having to remind myself. I find myself forgetting. I see the way you look and act, the way you talk and move, the way you smile and sing...and I find myself forgetting."

I processed this and after a moment replied softly, "Why do you have to remind yourself? Why not just forget?"

He shifted in his chair and looked away, "Umm, I don't know." After an awkward silence he turned back to face me, "Look I know that whatever I think, it was wrong to do what I did at your expense." He smiled and lowered his head and put on the puppy dog eyes, "Can you forgive me?"

I looked at him straight-faced for a moment and then with a little smile asked, "Three times a lady?"

He laughed, "I meant it. You really are."

I grinned, "You've some making up to do sonny jim!"

He nodded his head slowly and gave an enigmatic smile, "That I do. What are your plans for the rest of the day?"

I was caught off guard by his question, "Err nothing. Why?"

He winked at me, "Because my dear, we have reservations for lunch and would need to get moving."

"Lunch where?"

He replied offhand, "Oh a little known place, I doubt you've heard of it. The Ritz on Piccadilly I believe it is called."

"Are you serious?"

He smiled and nodded and I continued, "I'd better get changed and make myself look presentable."

"You look perfectly delightful to me," he said.

I stared at him and raised an eyebrow. He winced and said, "I'm overdoing it aren't I?" I smiled and nodded and he tutted to himself and said, "Yes I thought I was."

----------*----------

It was a lovely sunny spring day and I had changed into a floral print sundress that I had not had the opportunity to wear as yet. It may have been uncharacteristically warm for this time of year, but it was still London so tan tights were added to my outfit and a pair of strappy sandals. I know I took too long over my hair and makeup but I figured that Jon was in no position to complain. When I came out, he got up from where he was chatting with Jools and looked at me. He smiled. I grinned and asked coyly, "This OK for the Ritz?"

He shook his head and looked at me admiringly, "Too good by far." He paused, "Am I still overdoing it?"

Before I had a chance to answer, Jools butted in, "Of course you are, but she loves it so keep it up." We laughed and Jon and I headed out. He insisted on driving us despite my protests about his old car compared to my sleek baby. I had never been to the Ritz before and it really is over the top. I loved it. The waiters were prim and proper with their starched white aprons and they fussed around us. I enjoyed the smoked salmon that I ordered and Jon tucked into a steak. I had caught a glance at the prices on the menu and had nearly choked. We chatted about the week that had gone by, the recording, the studio, the band and about the forthcoming video. We were both quite excited and enthused.

After lunch, we walked through Green Park and into St. James's Park. It was the warmest day of the year so far and the park was full of people enjoying the afternoon sunshine. I was quite surprised when I felt Jon take my hand. I looked up at him questioningly and he shrugged, "It just felt right." I wasn't about to disagree. We sat down on a bench and watched the ducks swim up and down the lake.

As I looked out over the lake, I became aware that Jon was looking at me. I turned round and asked, "What is it?"

He shook his head. "You know you really are remarkable."

"What do you mean?" I said a little self-consciously as I pushed a strand of hair back from my face.

He hesitated, "Look I know I said I wasn't going to keep giving you reminders or anything, but can we talk openly for a moment?"

"Sure," I said. I wasn't sure where this was leading.

He turned towards me, "It's just that when I look at you, I can't even really see Nick at all now. You look so natural. Everything about you is just right. Your hair, your face, your clothes, the way you walk and talk. Truly remarkable."

"Jon," I protested feeling even more self-conscious now.

"No, I mean it. I really do. Look around the park here. It's incredible, but I know that I'm sitting next to the prettiest girl here."

I was completely thrown now. "Jon," I said softly, "you know you don't have to overdo it any more. I've forgiven you."

He shook his head, "I'm not overdoing it. I'm just telling you what I think. Honestly."

I looked away for a moment and I can't describe the feeling I felt inside. It was a mixture of nervousness and almost excitement. I looked back at him and smiled, "Thanks Jon."

He smiled, "If we're talking freely though, do you mind me asking, are you really happy like this?"

I regarded him for a moment and then replied, "Yes Jon, I am. Why wouldn't I be?"

He chose his words carefully, "Well you have to admit, it's not every person who would do what you have done and like the result."

I caught his drift, "I know but what's not to like? I love the way I look, the way it makes me feel. I love the clothes I can wear, the variety, the styles, the glamour. I kind of like most of the attention I get. I've never had any of this before."

Jon nodded as he took this in. "You know something, at first I thought you were crazy, and then I thought you were losing it or something."

I asked the obvious question, "What do you think now?"

He smiled at me, "I think you are one of the bravest and most determined people I know. I mean, all that you have done? Incredible. The surgery and all." He gestured in the general direction of my bosom.

I looked down at where he was indicating and then looked back up at him with a teasing smile, "What? You don't like what I've done?"

He laughed and flushed a little, "As you say yourself, what's not to like? It's a BIG step you've taken though." He winked.

I shook my head and chuckled. I had picked up on his jibe and wasn't going to let him win this round. I cupped my breasts and looked at him intently, "You think they are too big Jon?"

He shifted awkwardly in his seat and looked away momentarily as he laughed nervously, "They look fine to me. Now you've got me really embarrassed."

I grinned, "You started it."

"Touché" he said with a smile.

As we had been sitting there it had begun to cool down and I shivered involuntarily. Jon noticed and suggested that we head back. He dropped me off back at the apartment and got out and walked me to the door. "Look Cara," he began, "I just want to say I'm glad we sorted things out and I want you to know that I promise to respect you and honour you as the person you are from now on."

I was touched but couldn't help smirking a little, "My my Jon, you almost sound like you are making marriage vows."

He sighed and chuckled, "You sure don't make things easy for me do you?"

I smiled, "Thanks Jon. I had a lovely time."

He shuffled his feet and grinned awkwardly, "Least I could do. I really enjoyed today. But rest assured I'm not getting any funny ideas or anything. See you tomorrow."

I stood inside the door for a moment after he had gone. I felt strange. Almost disappointed? I shook my head and headed upstairs. Jools was loitering around and as soon as I came in she began to fire a barrage of questions at me. I answered them as best as I could.

"Yes I had a nice time. Yes lunch was fantastic. We walked and talked. Yes we got things sorted out. No! Of course he didn't kiss me!"

Jools shrugged, "Just checking."

I shook my head, "Honestly, what made you think that?"

She grinned, "Just be careful."

I sighed, "I'm going to take a nice long bath and there's nothing to be careful about."

As I lay in the bath I thought about my words. I was right wasn't I? It was good to mend the fences and Jon was a good friend. That was all.

----------*----------

Jools had received a phone call from Simon Andrews early on Monday morning informing her that Herby wanted to use 'The Den' as the location for the video shoot. She rang around the rest of the band members and passed on the information. We arrived at the club just after nine and it looked closed, which it was of course. After ringing the bell though, the door opened and the manager opened it and when he saw it was us, he grinned and welcomed us in. Herby was in the main bar area directing operations like a Sergeant Major. OK like a camp Sergeant Major perhaps. There were guys setting up lights, others setting up cameras and there was a general buzz of activity around the place. I spotted Brian and Kevin at the far side of the room and wandered over to where they were sitting.

"Morning," I said brightly.

"Uhh hi Cara," Kevin said a little warily. I was puzzled at first and then I remembered that the last time they had seen me I was sounding off at Jon.

"How are you?" Brian asked politely and equally cautiously.

I smiled at them both, "I'm fine. Things are sorted, really."

They both visibly relaxed and we chatted about what we thought was going to happen today. Jon and Kevin arrived before long and Jon gave my elbow a little squeeze and I noticed a quick wink. I smiled at him, "Hey you."

Noel wasn't one to miss a trick, "Glad to see the love birds have made up."

I sighed and decided I had better defuse the situation before Jon pounded him into the ground or something. "Noel, as side-splittingly funny as you might think your sense of humour is, even the best comedians stop repeating their jokes in time. Especially when they aren't funny in the first place."

He looked taken aback and made a face, "Sorr-ee. Geez."

"Cara dahling!" Herby.

I turned and smiled. He was walking towards me arms outstretched. I tentatively opened my arms and he gave me a hug and air kissed each of my cheeks. He held my elbows in his hands and smiled, "You are looking delightful and I am SO excited about what we are going to do."

I grinned. His enthusiasm was sort of catching, "And what exactly are we going to do?"

He let go of my elbows only to sweep an arm around my shoulders and he led me away from the group as he talked and gesticulated with his other hand. Basically it seemed he got inspiration from watching us play here the previous Friday and he came up with his masterplan. He said that when he met me, he thought I was shy and retiring. However when he saw me on stage, he thought I was sensual and exuded confidence. This was what gave him his idea. He didn't exactly elaborate further yet, but led me to the dressing room in which the wardrobe and makeup staff were located.

I had a simple makeover which surprised me. A lot of foundation was used yes, but that was to counter the effect of the lighting for the cameras I was told. But other than that, it was practically a simple daytime look they gave me. Next I was given my outfit. It was a conservative white blouse and a knee-length flared black skirt and flat court shoes. Again I was quite surprised as it wasn't at all what I was expecting.

When they were finished I headed out to find Herby holding forth to the guys. It seemed that he was quite happy with what they were wearing. He had assumed they would come in typical male casual dress. He seemed to turn up his nose a little as he said this. He was not typical himself. He was wearing a loud yellow shirt and tight white trousers tucked into snakeskin cowboy boots. It didn't look out of place on him though.

And so we started shooting. He got footage of me walking into the club with the guys as we carried our guitars and equipment. I soon got an idea of how difficult video shoots could be. We must have simply walked in the door and set our equipment down on the floor about a dozen times before Herby was happy with that. To do a video shoot, obviously the timing and synchronisation are paramount. And so there were two large video screens. On one screen, there was nothing playing but a timer sequence although the soundtrack was the song 'No Half Measures'. It seemed that as we went along, the video footage was added on another deck, played on the second screen and the timings compared. The final full synchronisation would be done back at Sony in the video editing suite I learnt.

Herby shot a lot of footage of getting set up on the stage and then he got us to mime along to the first verse and chorus. We did it again and again as he changed the camera angles, gave us instructions. We felt quite awkward and I'm sure we looked it, but he seemed quite happy with that. Then it was back into the dressing room for another change. This time I was given a bit more of a makeover, but still nothing dramatic. I was given a form fitting red dress to wear. It was nice and not too tarty. I was beginning to think that perhaps I had been wrong about how I was going to be marketed.

Herby then took footage of me coming out the dressing room singing the words to the second verse and walking up the corridor. He had the guys from the band lounging against the wall looking as if they were chatting and then when I walked up, they were to look at me and when I raised my eyebrows they were to look sort of equivocal about how I was looking. We did this again and again and again until Herby was happy. We even broke for lunch somewhere in the midst of it. The guys found it harder than I did as Herby cajoled them, encouraged them and berated them.

Then I was back into the dressing room and I realised where things were going. I got the full works. Bright red lipstick, striking eyeliner, eye shadow and mascara, and blood red nails. My hair was straightened and brushed out. It was sprayed not only to make it stay in position, but to make it look extra glossy. Then the outfit. My hopes of maintaining some sort of reserved appearance were dashed. I was given an ultra short black leather miniskirt. I do believe it was even shorter than the one I owned myself. Patterned stockings and spiky black high heels also. However it was the top that really took the biscuit. It was a white leather bustier top which laced up at the front and left my lower abdomen exposed. No bra was required as by the time the girls had laced me up, my breasts were practically popping out of the bustier. Long dangly earrings were added, several bracelets and a necklace with a cross pendant that dangled down just you know where.

I looked at myself in the mirror. "I can't go out like this." I shook my head.

Herby burst in and even seemed to be put off his normal stride for once. "Well, I never. Truly am I rarely surprised by anything in this mortal sphere, but I fear that for once I have to admit I am."

"I can't go out there like this Herby," I protested, still looking at myself in the mirror.

He chuckled, "Nonsense, of course you can. You are a rock star, you are young, you are beautiful, you are gifted. You can do absolutely anything my darling." I still wasn't convinced.

He continued, "Listen. The whole idea of the video is the evolution of this sweet young shy girl into a No Half Measures rock star. Think about it, we have you coming into the club in your normal clothes, setting up and playing a practice on the stage. Then you go to get dressed, nice, sexy but not enough. Then you come back in here and dress as you are now. The finish of the video is you walking out that door, strutting like the beautiful confident woman that you are, making the jaws of the men drop and then you head out on stage, all the lights on and you and the band rock it for all you are worth to the end of the song."

I had to admit, Herby did seem to know what he was doing. I looked at myself in the mirror and turned back to him, "Are you sure this isn't over the top?"

He laughed, "Cara sweetheart, it is totally over the top. That's what I am here for. That's the way it has to be. You look incredible, don't be afraid of showing yourself off."

I sighed, "I guess."

He clapped his hands together. "Great, now we're talking. Listen, I have a feeling that on of our best chances to capture what I am looking for is on our first take. I have the guys out there just outside the door. I don't want them to see you until we do the first take. You come out of the door, head high, don't even look at them, strut past them, give it everything, shake that fabulous backside of yours and then when you are past them, give them a sultry look over your shoulder and beckon them to follow you. Think you can do that, my dear?"

I smiled and rolled my eyes, "Umm I think so."

He grinned and squeezed my shoulders, "Just remember you are the sexiest woman in the country...and most of the country will think that when they see this video." He stood back and took another look at me. He looked quite thoughtful.

"What is it?" I asked.

He shook his head, "Oh nothing really. I was just thinking of how we could possibly make you look even sexier."

I winced, "Don't you think this is enough?"

He chuckled, "Oh yes, but one must always strive for more."

"And what were you thinking?" I almost dreaded to ask.

"It doesn't matter as we can't do anything about it."

I was intrigued, "Tell me anyway."

He shrugged, "I was just thinking how even lovelier that tummy of yours would look if you had your navel pierced."

I blinked a few times, "Oh, I see."

He waved a hand, "But there's nothing we can do about that now. So never mind."

Gina, one of the makeup girls, coughed, "I'm a qualified body piercer Herby."

Herby looked over at her and raised an eyebrow, "Of course you are my dear, I had forgotten." He sighed, "A shame we hadn't thought through this earlier as we could have maybe considered it and got you to bring your equipment."

Gina shrugged, "I always bring my stuff." She grinned and winked, "I never know what you are going to ask for, so I'm always prepared."

Herby laughed and clapped his hands, "That's my kind of girl. Well, if I had any kind of girl that is. However, I fear this is all too precipitous for our dearest Cara."

He was turning to walk out and I tentatively said, "Wait a minute..." He turned and raised an eyebrow, "Mmm?"

I wrinkled my brow and spoke slowly, "Umm, I don't know, let me think for a moment." I paused, "You think it would really look good?"

He smiled softly at me, "Cara darling, I find it hard to imagine anything that would not look good on you. I am not going to pressure you. But yes, I think it would look very attractive. You have a lovely body." He winked, "Even I can appreciate that."

I blushed a little and thought, "Well, I suppose it wouldn't be out of keeping with my image." He nodded slowly but didn't say anything as I continued to think out loud, "And if I am going to be the rock star as you say..." I chewed my lower lip gently and then shot Gina a glance, "Does it hurt?"

She smiled and inclined her head, "I'm not going to lie, it will sting a bit at the time and it will smart for a few days after. But it's not half as bad as getting your tongue done." She winked and stuck out her tongue to demonstrate her personal knowledge of these matters.

I sighed and gave a nervous half-laugh, "Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. I'm probably mad, but what the heck, why not?"

Herby smiled at me, "I know I can be a pushy son of a you know what, but I don't want you to feel cornered or press ganged. So let's say we leave it today and you can think about it in your own time?"

I was quite surprised by the calmer considerate side of Herby that he was displaying. I wondered just how much of his flamboyant nature was a front that he projected to meet the expectations of those with whom he worked. I shrugged away these thoughts and shook my head, "No, I'm happy to do this. It's my decision. I'm a big girl."

Herby grinned at me, lowered his eyes briefly to my bosom and met my gaze again before speaking deadpan, "That you are my dear."

I couldn't help but laugh. With his manner he was certainly in no way threatening to me. "Hey! These may not be your cup of tea, but don't knock them," I quipped.

He guffawed, "You are quite something my Miss Malone. Beautiful, talented, determined and smart. More than anyone could ask for. You do what you think best. Let me know when you are ready." He chuckled to himself as he left.

I turned to Gina and she raised an eyebrow. I grinned, "Alright, I'm in your hands. You have done this before?"

She laughed and assured me she had done dozens and had the appropriate certification. She got me to lie down on a couch and she washed her hands, put on gloves and then cleaned my navel area with a cold alcohol solution. She gently talked to me reassuringly, telling me what she was doing. I didn't look as she performed the piercing. It certainly did sting. It was a weird feeling, almost like feeling sick to your stomach, but it didn't last long. On her advice, we had agreed upon a jewelled titanium belly bar. There was a tiny diamond at the top and a larger diamond at the bottom. She slid it into place and then told me I could have a look.

"Well," she asked, "what do you think?"

I looked at myself and then checked it out in the mirror. I flushed a little, "Umm I think I like it." It did look strange at first, but I really did have to admit to myself, that I did like how it looked. It certainly did look sexy and it even made me feel sexy in a funny sort of way. I grinned at her, "Thanks Gina, I guess I'm ready now."

She laughed, "You see me before you leave and I'll tell you how to take proper care of it OK?"

I promised that I would. Gina went out to tell Herby we were ready and I waited inside for my cue. I heard the shout of 'Action' and I threw open the door, tossed my head and haughtily walked past the line of Jon, Kevin, Noel and Brian. I didn't look at them directly, but out of the corner of my eye, it looked as if Herby was getting the responses he wanted. I swung my hips as I walked and then shot them an inviting look over my left shoulder and crooked the index finger of my right hand to beckon them and they were almost pushing and shoving to catch up with me. "Cut!" Herby yelled and he applauded maniacally. "Perfect, absolutely perfect, just what I was looking for. Cara my darling, you are a natural and I will make you look even more gorgeous on screen than you already do." He walked up to me and whispered, "And your latest addition looks sensational. I think you have those poor boys almost drooling."

We had to do the stage scene. Time was marching on and it was now well after seven o'clock. I was wondering how it would look without an audience, but a peek out into the club revealed that it was packed full. When I asked a crew member where all the people came from, he smiled and said that Herby had hung a sign outside saying there were free drinks for an hour for anyone who wanted to come in and be an extra for the shoot. It seemed to have worked. Sony it seemed were paying the bill and this might have explained why Simon Andrews was looking a little on edge. I imagined there was no stopping Herby when he got going.

The crowd gave Herby exactly the reaction he wanted when we first walked out on stage. This wasn't surprising given that it was mostly made up of young men. They were crowded right up to the stage and they cheered and whistled as I strutted out. We played or rather mimed through the solo and last choruses. We did it time and time again as Herby got all his angles. He kept stirring the crowd up in between each take and kept them just short of hysteria. Eventually we were finished and I was glad. I was quite self conscious as I was parading up and down in front of the crowd dressed as I was. However I was very curious to see the video. Herby told us he would be editing for most of the rest of the week and it may be ready before the weekend. Simon was appeased when he heard this. Apparently the single was going to the radio stations on pre-release next week and going on sale in about three weeks time.

I was absolutely exhausted when I finally got home and I shrugged off my clothes and gratefully climbed under the covers of my bed. I had taken a quick minute to look at my bejewelled navel in the mirror before I got into bed and I sniggered to myself. I almost felt a little naughty, but I was pleased with what I had done. As I lay there before going to sleep I had to admit that although it had been hard work, it was sort of fun. I was still getting used to all the attention I was receiving though.

----------*----------

CHAPTER 24

The next day it was back to business at usual in the studio. It was the same the following day and the one after that. Soon it almost settled down to be routine. It was hard work interspersed with periods of little to do as the others took their turns to do their bits. I was increasingly impressed with the knowledge and skills that Steve and Tom displayed. Their humour, strange though it may be, did make the process a little more bearable. As they got to know us better, and we them, they were able to give more specific feedback and constructive criticism. Steve now had no qualms about almost literally hauling me from the vocals booth when he had decided that enough was enough. I would offer a token protest that I could still do it better, but he was having none of it. It was quite a male dominated environment and I did feel a little isolated as the only woman. I almost did a double take when I realised that that thought came into my mind without seeming incongruous.

I sought solace in seeking out Laura in her quiet moments and dragging her away for a coffee and chat. She seemed only too glad to have another woman to chat to. We were fast becoming friends and each day would try to grab a moment for a gossip. She was easygoing and seemed quite shy at first, but when you got to know her it was obvious that she was intelligent and certainly knew her own mind. She was 28 and had a business degree. She had been working for Air Studios for just over a year now and didn't view it as her final career. She had ambitions to get a foothold in a major company somewhere and probably start as a P.A. and try to work her way up. She had broken up with her latest boyfriend about six weeks back and did not seem too cut up about it. It was amazing how much you got to know about someone when you spent time with them each day. The same was probably true in reverse and I occasionally had to watch what I said. As I became more relaxed in her company, I still had to ensure that I didn't say anything about myself that would be suspicious.

At the end of that week, Herby and his entourage had invaded the studio which rankled Steve a little, but he held his tongue. A projector was set up in the artists' lounge and Herby gave a little dramatic speech. You would have thought he was an Oscar nominated director introducing his epic masterpiece. Having said that, the video was very impressive even though I say so myself. Herby's concept had worked: from the initial awkwardness of our arrival to the club to my dramatic exit from the dressing room to the stage performance. I had to look twice as I found it hard to believe the woman on the screen was actually me. The finale brought the song to a dramatic climax of on stage energy and it finished on a definite high. There was a stunned silence in the room when it finished.

"Well?" asked Herby like a proud father.

Kevin was the first to find his tongue, "Bloody brilliant!"

There was a general buzz of comments in a similar vein and Herby just beamed as he basked in the glow of the compliments. He drew everyone's attention to me, "And how does the star of the show feel about it?"

I was a little taken aback as I found myself the centre of attention, "Erm, it's great. I do feel a little self conscious about it all, but you've done a fantastic job." Everyone took the opportunity to grab some celebratory refreshments. I was sitting between Jon and Brian.

"Do you think it is OK?" I asked them tentatively.

Brian grinned at me, "It's fabulous and you looked incredible."

"You really think so?" I asked.

"Of course, didn't you see yourself there? Wasn't she amazing Jon?"

Jon laughed and nodded, "Oh yes. Cara, see those gobsmacked expressions on our face in the video when you came out the door? We weren't acting. Breathtaking."

I laughed and felt embarrassed. "Thanks guys," I murmured.

"I was wondering," Jon began with a glint in his eye, "that body jewellery you were sporting, was it for real?"

I laughed again and focussed my gaze on him, "What Jon Peters, you want me to lift up my top and let you look at my tummy?"

He snorted as he chuckled, "Well, that's not exactly what I was asking..."

I interrupted primly, "I guess you'll just have to be more observant in future and work it out for yourself." The expression on his face was priceless. He did not know what to say.

We were interrupted by Simon who had arrived just before the video showing. "Cara, fantastic! The video looks magnificent."

I shrugged, "Thanks. Herby does a good job."

He nodded, "That he does. So did Rod your photographer."

I raised an eyebrow, "You have the photos?"

He grinned and nodded, "Why? Do you want to see them?"

I laughed, "No teasing, let me see."

He opened a folder and let me flick through them. There was a wide range of shots from sweet and pretty to more sensual and even raunchy.

"The artwork for the cover and inlay of the single is being printed as we speak," he informed me.

"Which photo did you use for it?" I asked with interest.

He smiled and picked one out, "This one."

I groaned, "Seriously?" It was one of the last ones taken. I was wearing the black corselette top and it was a shot of me with my head back, hair swirling around my head. It wasn't that it looked bad.

"Simon," I protested, "my breasts are almost...well...popping out of my top in this one."

He raised an eyebrow and tried to look me in the eye, "Are they? I hadn't noticed."

Jon and Brian took a look at the photo and had a good snigger to themselves. "Have a good laugh at my expense boys," I said. I wasn't really upset. It didn't bother me too much truth be told. However I was now increasingly aware that a time was coming when I was going to have a high public profile. I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I was very apprehensive, but on the other there was a certain building excitement.

----------*----------

The next week, the single was distributed to the radio stations and it was Tuesday when Laura burst in to the control room where we were listening to what we had got so far for 'Nine Years Old Again'.

"Listen," she said breathlessly, "It's Capital Radio!" From the handheld radio she was holding came the unmistakable sounds of 'No Half Measures'. There was a lot of whooping and cheering and then we all sat quietly to listen to it. We had all heard it so many times before, but this time it was different. This time, someone else was playing our song. This time, as we listened, we were listening with thousands of others and my heart was in my mouth. It was irrational, it was weird, it was great. When it finished we listened closely to the DJ, "...yes the debut single of a brand new talent, up and coming singer songwriter Cara Malone. We like it and if you do, it's going on sale under a fortnight. Now coming up on the show..." His words were drowned by another round of cheers and shouts. There was a certain amount of high-fiving amongst the guys. Laura and I hugged and she squeezed my arms, "I'm so excited for you."

After a few minutes, Steve brought us down to earth with a gentle smile saying, "One single does not an album make..." We laughed and tried to focus on what we were doing. It was Jon's turn to do his lead guitar track. Brian, Kevin and Noel were so hyper that Steve banished them to the artists' lounge to cool off and calm down. Laura and I sat in the back of the control room and watched through the glass as Jon launched himself into his part. I was almost mesmerised as I watched him. He was truly gifted.

Laura nudged me and whispered, "You're crazy about him aren't you?"

My heart almost stopped and I whipped my head around to her and hissed, "What? What did you say?"

She smiled and put a hand on my arm, "Easy. I didn't mean to startle you. It's just that I've seen the way you look at him. I know that look. Don't worry, I'm sure none of the Mr. Insensitives have noticed."

I was quite flustered and wasn't sure what to say, "Erm Laura. I think you may be mistaken. Jon and I are old friends from way back. Really good friends, that's all." As I said the words, I knew how clichéd they sounded and had I been in Laura's place, I probably wouldn't have believed me. As it was, I wasn't sure whether I fully believed myself anyway.

Laura gave me the look I was expecting, "Look Cara, don't worry. I'm not going to go round shouting about it, but give me some credit please."

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. I looked at her and replied with frankness, "Laura, I'm sorry for sounding off." I looked away for a moment, "I don't really know how I feel. I guess...I guess...there may be something in what you say. But I don't know if I'm ready to admit it to myself. And as I said, to him I'm just a good friend so it's really quite irrelevant in any case."

Laura smothered a laugh with her hand. I looked at her quizzically, and she contained herself as best she could. "What is it?" I asked.

"Oh my God," she whispered, "have you not seen the way he looks at you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

She smiled at me, "Cara honey, the guy is so obviously besotted with you."

"No!" I exclaimed as I screwed up my face, "I don't believe it. He can't be."

She nodded knowledgeably, "Believe it. I know what I've observed. Trust me on this. Look I'm not prying, I don't mean to upset you, but I just wanted to let you know what I've noticed. And what do you mean he can't be? You're practically every guy's fantasy girl."

I murmured, "Oh I doubt that." If only she knew, but I didn't dwell on that, "Umm, if what you say is right, do you think anyone else has noticed?"

Laura chuckled, "If it can't be tuned, recorded, twiddled or fiddled it won't be noticed around here. Rest assured the inhabitants of 'little boy land' haven't spotted anything."

I laughed. She winked at me and almost with a hint of envy said, "You've good taste I have to admit. He is most definitely cute and what a great ass!"

I was shocked, "Laura!"

She laughed, "Do you disagree?"

I looked back at Jon, who was lost in the throes of his guitar solo. I don't know that I had specifically thought about it consciously. He was good looking. I knew I had known that as he never had any trouble attracting women. However now as I appraised him, I could almost begin to recognise the features that made him attractive. His sandy fair hair which was just a little on the longish side on top fell down over his clear blue eyes. I took a little look at the aforementioned ass and found that my eyes were drawn to the outline of his firm buttocks. I shook my head. What was I thinking? I turned back to Laura and grinned, "I guess you've got a point."

Then something struck me. I had noticed it almost subconsciously. "What do you think of our Brian, Laura? I've seen you and him chatting a fair bit."

I saw her redden and knew that I had hit the target. She laughed nervously, "I don't know what you mean?"

I returned the disbelieving look which she had so recently sent my way and she giggled. "He is so sweet isn't he? He's gentle and really quite handsome."

I chuckled, "So it would be fair to say that you have a degree of interest. Is it reciprocated?"

She flushed again and licked her lips as a smile formed at the corners of her mouth, "Well I'm not saying it's much...but he asked me if I wanted to go out for some drinks this Friday night."

I smirked at her and squeezed her arm, "Hey, sounds promising. Brian's a really nice guy. You go for it girl."

She laughed, "I'll certainly try."

----------*----------

Recording was hard work. Days could pass without me feeling I had really contributed much. There were low points when it seemed we just couldn't get a song right. Steve would eventually wisely step in and suggest we leave it for a few days and work on something else. Slowly but surely, we were getting there. In the midst of the routine humdrum of laying down tracks, there were the occasional notable moments. We had been working on getting 'Simply Say' down. It just was not happening. We had all done our bits. A session musician had been brought in to do the sax part and he was great. The individual parts were fine, but when it was all played back, it sounded lifeless. It had lost the laidback, mellow feeling which made the song special. Despite trying to redo a few tracks and despite all the wizardry on the desk from Steve and Tom, it still just was not happening. We were all frustrated.

"Right, let's scrap it," Steve said.

"Scrap it?" I exclaimed, "No way, it's a fantastic song."

He laughed, "I didn't mean scrap the song. I meant, let's wipe what we have done already and start again."

I relaxed a little, "How is it going to be any different next time?"

He grinned, "We're going to try it live."

So we all made our way into the studio and got to our respective stations. This was very different to how we had done the songs up until now. After a bit of sound checking, Tom nodded to Steve to indicate that he was happy. We were ready and we gave it a whirl. Now I'm not saying that it was perfect first time, but the energy and mood were back. It took about five takes before we had it right. It was a good feeling. We had almost forgotten what it felt like to play as a band. As Steve played the final version back over the studio speakers we couldn't stop smiling at each other. Although I like to be modest most of the time, I have to say that it sounded fantastic. When it finished we were on a bit of a high. Steve and Tom were still fiddling on the desk to tweak a few more things here and there.

What happened next was predictable. Stick a bunch of would be rock stars in a room and give them a musical instrument each, leave them to their own devices and you are guaranteed a jamming session. Kevin started it. Well to be fair, he rarely ever stopped playing when he was at his drum kit. Jon began to jam along. I had to visit the bathroom and when I came back in, Jon grinned at me.

"Cara, we've got a new song. Let's do it."

I laughed, "Catch yourself on. Where's the words? What's the music?"

He laughed, "Just do it!"

He turned to the guys and counted in. It was a fast bluesy riff and he shouted into his mike, "Cara! Sing!"

I laughed and shrugged, I grabbed the mike and just let myself go. It was one of those indescribable moments. It can't be planned. It can't be repeated. Fuelled by the adrenaline of our success in getting the last song done, the guys were belting it out so I thought I'd humour them. I had no idea what I was doing, but it came out from somewhere.

"I'm not gonna sing your song, I'm not gonna sing your song, If you ask me, it's already gone on far too long, And I'm not gonna sing your song."

I saw Jon grinning at me and nodding as I let them run through their chords again before I joined in again.

"I'm not gonna dance to your tune, I'm not gonna dance to your tune, Even if you promise me the sun, stars and moon, I'm not gonna dance to your tune."

The guys were all smirking and trying not to laugh. I shrugged and pulled the mike from its stand and taking it in my hand I walked back towards Kevin.

"Kevin... I'm not gonna jump to your beat, I'm not gonna jump to your beat, Get off your knees and get back on your feet, Cos I'm not gonna jump to your beat."

Kevin predictably went wild on the drums and inflicted major damage on them as he winked at me. I walked over to Noel next.

"Noel... I'm not impressed by the speed of your runs, I'm not impressed by the speed of your runs, I'm not gonna budge, I'm'a stickin' to my guns, As I'm not impressed by the speed of your runs."

He blew me a kiss and hammed it up for all he was worth. I laughed and pointed at Brian as I walked over to him.

"Brian... I'm not fazed by the punch of your bass, I'm not fazed by the punch of your bass, So you can dry your eyes and take that look off your face, For I'm not fazed by the punch of your bass."

He managed to keep a straight face as he slid his hand up and down the bass, thumping and thumb striking the strings as he slapped it out. I winked at him and turned to face Jon.

"And last but not least...Jon... I'm not moved by your slick little riffs, I'm not moved by your slick little riffs, So throw a tantrum and go into one of your tiffs I said, I'm not moved by your slick little riffs."

He shook his head at me and laughed as he launched into a squealing howling solo. They all joined in and then I gestured for them to take it down a little.

"You've tricked me into singing your song, You've tricked me into singing your song, I thought it was crap but I guess I was wrong, You win, You've tricked me into singing your song."

They brought it to a crescendo finale and I raised my hand and as I dropped it I shouted, "Enough!" and they hit a perfect tight finish. As the last notes died away, we laughed and whooped. I turned to see what Steve and Tom were doing and I happened to notice the red recording light just go off. Steve gave me a wink and the thumbs up.

"You were recording?" I asked through the glass.

We all piled into the control room and I repeated my question, "You were recording?"

He leaned back languidly in his chair and laughed, "When you've been in the business as long as I have, you sometimes get a sixth sense that something is happening."

He played it back. It was fantastic. It was rough and raw, but it was real. It was the sort of song that you couldn't listen to without it bringing a smile to your face. Jon put his hands on my shoulder from behind me and said, "Masterful improvisation Cara." I laughed and shrugged, "I just went with the flow."

"What you going to call it?" Tom asked.

I laughed, "I'm not gonna sing your song?"

We all nodded and that day certainly finished on a high.

----------*----------

Things continued to progress well and as the week came to a close we had got all of the songs recorded except for 'Not Dancing, But Flying' and 'I Just Wanna Be Me'. Simon Andrews had been in and was quite anxious that we take a break from recording soon as he wanted to focus on promotion of the first single. It was being released Monday week and towards the end of the next week, he wanted me to be available to start doing radio interviews and then the next week, the whole band could be required as he hoped to see about starting to get some TV slots organised. It was all becoming very real as he talked about this matter-of-factly. We agreed we would record Monday and Tuesday and then take a few weeks break. The time would also be useful to try and get a couple more songs. At present we were looking at ten songs. Certainly in days gone by, this would have been more than acceptable for an album, but in today's terms it would be viewed as stingy. Steve reckoned that twelve good songs on a debut album were more than enough. By that reckoning, we were still two short.

As we were wrapping up mid afternoon on Friday, Brian came over to where Jon and I were talking. "Guys, fancy getting together for a few drinks tonight, relax a bit?"

I shrugged, "Sure, sounds good to me." Jon agreed. Brian called over to Kevin who promptly agreed. Noel however had already arranged to meet up with some of his mates. I didn't feel too sorry about that.

----------*----------

I knew it was only a casual night out with friends, but it was Friday night and I found now that I needed very little excuse to get dressed up nice. I sniggered to myself as I did my make up. I looked at myself in the mirror and winked, "You spent the first 23 years of your life trying to be more macho, and look at you now." My inner self swelled proudly as if to say, "You bet, just look at me now!" I went for a simple white blouse and short black skirt. I was just about ready when the taxi that I had booked tooted its horn outside. I grabbed my jacket, blew a kiss at Jools and made my exit.

We were meeting at a trendy wine bar in the West End and when I walked in I spotted Brian and Laura with him. They waved at me and I weaved my way between the tables to where they sat. "Hi Laura, fancy seeing you here," I said with a grin on my face and a twinkle in my eye. She laughed and I saw Brian redden a little.

"So where's everyone else?" I asked brightly.

I saw the look that passed between Brian and Laura and was immediately suspicious. Brian looked a little uncomfortable, "Umm well, Jon's not here yet." He paused, "And Kevin had to cry off at the last minute. Something came up I think."

I looked him in the face, "Oh really?" I nodded slowly to myself and then turned to Laura, "Where is the ladies' room? Oh why don't you come with me and show me?"

Once inside I turned to her, "OK, is this a set up or what?"

"What do you mean?" she protested but she couldn't keep a straight face. I looked at her pointedly. "Alright," she said resignedly, "I can see how it might look that way. Honestly, after asking you all Brian just told Kevin that I was coming too and he sort of worked out that he might feel like the odd one out."

"And why on earth would he feel like that?"

She smiled and put a hand on my arm, "C'mon Cara. Loosen up. Look on this as an opportunity."

I sighed. She was only trying to help me as she saw it. "Laura, listen thanks for trying. But seriously, there isn't a future for Jon and I."

She shook her head, "Why on earth not? You two are made for each other. I see the way you look at each other, the furtive glances, the shy smiles. I'd stake a year's salary to bet that you both have feelings for each other."

What could I say? I couldn't explain the real problem to her. "I'm not denying that what you say may be true. There's just too much history between us."

"Did you go out with each other before?"

I really wasn't explaining myself well. I couldn't help but chuckle at the thought, "Oh no. I just don't want to risk a good friendship. Especially as it's sort of important that we work well together."

She nodded but didn't look overly convinced, "OK, well if that's how you feel. I still say nothing ventured, nothing gained. I'll not play cupid any more if that's how you feel."

"You? It was you who set all this up? I thought it was Brian's idea."

"Oops!" she raised a hand to her mouth and grinned guiltily.

I shook my head and laughed, "You're worth a watching you are."

When we got back to the table, Jon was there and from his slightly uptight posture, I reckoned that he had worked out the numerical situation and the probable implication. However it wasn't long before everyone relaxed and the conversation flowed freely. We laughed over the occurrences of the past few weeks. I teased Jon about behaving like a little boy in a sweet shop each time he got into the recording studio. I also received my fair share of teasing about the 'sex kitten' I had become for the video. It was all good natured and we enjoyed each other's company.

Brian and Laura made a good couple. They were both on the quieter end of the spectrum, yet each of them had an inner strength that was not overtly apparent when you first met them. As I watched them interact with each other, it was obvious that their feelings for one another were growing and I did feel a sudden pang of envy.

My life had been such a whirlwind of change and activity over the last few months that I hadn't had time to really feel lonely. Or to desire the company of another in the closer sense. Another? Even the way I phrased it in my own mind was ambiguous. Although I was sitting there with good friends and outwardly enjoying myself, inside I really felt quite alone.

It often is the way with life. You think that if you achieve your next goal that everything will be perfect and you will be happy. I had thought that musical success would do it for me. I had already learnt that the person I was becoming was more important than that. Perhaps though I was also starting to realise that as settled as I might become with who I was, there was still going to be a yearning for more. For someone else? It was like climbing a mountain. You think the peak in front of you is the summit, only to reach it and see another one stretching up in front of you. Where does it all end?

At the end of the evening, we were going our separate ways and I was going to hail a cab. Jon had driven in to the city and insisted on dropping me home. I made a token protest that it was well out of his way, but he dismissed it. On the drive back, he made some comment about asking where Kevin had got to and I made a noncommittal response about not knowing. I think we both had a fair idea, but it seemed to suit us better to pretend otherwise. When we got back to Jools' place, Jon turned off the engine and I was about to get out of the car when he stopped me, "Cara, wait a moment."

"Mmm? What?"

He paused and began hesitantly, "Listen, I've something to tell you. It's probably a little unexpected, but I think you should know..."

I was in a bit of a quandary. What was he going to say? My heart was beating wildly and my mind was racing with possibilities. Possibilities that I wasn't sure I could dare to dream of, and at the same time possibilities that I was almost too afraid to consider. What came next certainly was not on my list of possibilities.

He smiled ruefully, "Erm, I'm seeing someone new."

I didn't know how to react. I didn't know why I was feeling what I was feeling. I didn't even know how to describe what it was that I was feeling. I knew I had to make some sort of response though.

I forced a smile and replied as brightly as I could, "Really? Guess it was only a matter of time before you got your touch back. Who is it?"

He grinned, "She's called Tanya. She's the sister of Gary who lives with me. We've been sort of getting to know each other the past few weeks."

I tried to show casual interest, "So tell me about her then."

"Well, she's an estate agent. Not the most interesting of jobs granted, but she's fun. I really like her. She's pretty - not as pretty as you actually, but then not many are." I don't know why, but I took a certain satisfaction in that last statement. I guess I was developing my bitchy side nicely.

"Great," I nodded, "I'll have to meet her and give her the low-down on Jon Peters then."

He laughed, "You're OK about this?"

I looked at him, "Why on earth would I not be OK about it?" Was I daring him to come up with reasons, or was I challenging myself to think of them?

He shrugged and frowned, "Yeah. Good point, forget it."

I forced another smile, "Thanks for the lift Jon; I'll see you on Monday."

When I got inside, Jools was still up and she took one look at my face and said, "Whatever's the matter Cara?"

I tried to brush her off as I headed towards my room, "Nothing, I'm fine." When I got to my room though, I realised that Jools was right on my heels and she followed me in.

"No seriously," she persisted, "you look as if someone's died."

I sighed. What could I say? Could I just tell her what I was feeling? I suddenly realised that that was exactly what I should do. I needed to talk to someone and who better than Jools? My façade cracked and I wilted as I sat on the bed.

"Oh Jools, you are going to think I am a silly little girl."

"Of course I won't, what is it?" She sat down and put an arm around my shoulders.

I shook my head, "I'm not sure, but I think I'm developing feelings for someone that I shouldn't have feelings for."

She squeezed my shoulder, "Jon?"

I looked at her, "How did you know?"

She smiled sympathetically, "You don't have to be clairvoyant to see the way you two get on."

I laughed mirthlessly, "Yeah, people keep saying that. Amazing how wrong you can be."

I told her about Jon's revelation and how confused it made me feel. Jools again proved she was worth her weight in gold as she let me unburden myself and try to talk through the confused mess that was my feelings. At the end of it, I wasn't sure I knew any better how I felt or why I felt that way, but it did seem to help to talk about it. Jools gave me a bear hug.

"Cara, I don't know how things will work out, or why things happen the way they do. But I do believe things will work out the way they are meant to in the end. Look at all that has happened to you in the last five months and how things have fallen into place."

I managed a grin, "I guess you're right. Now get out of my room so I can let my troubled mind try to get some rest."

----------*----------

I tried to busy myself as much as possible at the weekend to take my mind off the troubling thoughts and feelings that lurked just beneath the surface of my consciousness. Jools and I had a leisurely lunch and did a bit of shopping on Saturday afternoon and in the evening I had met up with Kate and we had gone to 'Les Miserables'. I had seen it countless times before but it never ceased to move me. Kate had never been before and she was entranced by it. We enjoyed a late night coffee afterwards and I was happy to let her chat away about what was going on in her life. Things were more relaxed between us and I valued the friendship that was continuing to develop.

On Sunday I decided to go to Church. I wasn't quite sure why, but again it did pass the time. I dragged Jools with me and we went for a quiet Sunday dinner in Marnies' Café in Notting Hill. It was the first time we had been back there since I had become Cara. It was a strange feeling, but I soon realised that none of the staff seemed to have any intention of jumping out at me and asking if I used to be a man.

Monday saw us back in the studio and we began work on 'Not Dancing, But Flying'. I played the piano part myself and Noel added some strings on the keyboard. Kevin got his drum track down without too much difficulty. It wasn't the most rhythmic of tracks and he really only contributed significantly when it came to the last chorus. Brian laid his bass track down on one take and Jon didn't require more than three goes. He added a wistful sounding lead guitar part which was understated through most of the song and built up a little towards the end. I was actually happy with the vocals after a few goes myself. I didn't require anyone to drag me from the booth this time either. All in all, we seemed to be getting more professional at this recording lark. Despite this, I wasn't happy with the finished product. All the parts were fine, but something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it.

"What about some backing vocals?" Jon suggested.

And so we hammered out a harmony line and I sent Jon into the booth to deliver it. It did not sound right at all.

"I think the backing vocals need to be female," Steve thought out loud.

Before long, I found myself back in the booth singing my own harmony line. I listened to it afterwards and screwed up my face, "It sounds too like me, if you know what I mean. Too similar to the lead vocals."

"Try making your voice more breathy, wispy even," Tom suggested.

I did that and it was a good suggestion. It sounded good. Despite this, there was still something missing. Steve and Tom twiddled and fiddled for an hour or two with me breathing down their necks, but still it wasn't right.

"Don't you see what I mean?" I asked.

Steve nodded, "It sounds fine, but I think I see what you are getting at."

They tried a few more things, but with no great improvement. "Oh, this is SO frustrating!" I said.

Steve grinned, stood up and put his arm around my shoulders and began to lead me out of the control room.

"What are you doing?" I protested.

"Time out. For both of us. Come on." He led me out of the control room and out of the Studio 1 area. He walked me through into the Lyndhurst Hall complex.

I grinned, "Trying to see if these grand surroundings will give us inspiration?"

He shrugged and chuckled, "Not really, I just thought we needed a little space to allow us to stand back from it and see where we are."

I stood in the middle of the hall and spun myself around. "If only," I murmured.

"What?" said Steve.

"Hmm? Oh nothing," I grinned ruefully, "I was just imagining a full orchestral backing being recorded here for the song. Maybe that would give it what it's missing."

He looked at me strangely.

"Hey I'm only dreaming, don't worry," I reassured him.

"No wait. You know, I think you might be right," he said slowly and thoughtfully.

I laughed, "As right as I may be, what are you going to do? Ring 0800-Rent-an-Orchestra?"

He winked, "Maybe." He thought for a moment, "Right, this could be tight. Just say I could get an orchestra in here tomorrow. Could you get parts written for it before then?"

I wasn't sure if he was being serious, but I thought about it. In school I had done a bit of conducting. Not much and I knew it wasn't my thing. However I had spent more time on musical arrangements and although I had not done it for a few years, it had been something I enjoyed and prided myself on being reasonably good at. I exhaled slowly, "It would be a late nighter, but if needed, I'm sure I could come up with something. But we are still short an orchestra."

Steve chuckled, "Have you ever heard the London Philharmonic? Would they be good enough?"

Now I knew he was just winding me up, "Hey stop teasing me. It was just an idea."

"No seriously, answer me."

I shrugged, "Of course they would be good enough. Yes I've heard them. What are you going to do, phone them up and get them to drop everything and come over here tomorrow?"

"Who's the current conductor of the Phil?" he asked.

"I've no idea," I admitted.

"I do. Guy called Jeremy Yarwood." He grinned and waited for me to make the connection. Which I did before too long.

"Yarwood? Let me guess, he wouldn't happen to be a relative of yours?"

He laughed, "I'm not the only musical Yarwood. My brother Jeremy likes to think he is the purist of the musicians in our family, but I know he's a mere technician. Whereas, what I do..."

I interrupted, "Hey less of the sibling rivalry. What are you saying? You think you're going to be able to get them here?"

He shrugged, "I was talking to Jer at the weekend and they've nothing on their schedule for the next fortnight. Shall I give him a ring?"

And so Steve got on the phone and after exchanging a few jibes with his brother he got down to business. We listened to his side of the conversation.

"So do you think you could get your folks together over here tomorrow morning?" "Yes I know it's short notice, yes I know you are a thorough professional who likes to be completely prepared, yada yada yada, answer the question Jer." "Is she good looking? What's that got to do with it?" He rolled his eyes at me, "Jer, she is the most stunningly gorgeous and fantastically talented artist I've ever had the privilege of working with." He laughed at whatever his brother said in response. He covered the mouthpiece and spoke to us, "He says in that case, he'll be here with his troupe in less than an hour." He spoke back into the phone, "Nine o'clock tomorrow morning will do. You'd better get your secretary on the phone to your team pronto. See you then bro."

I was excited, "So it's a go then? And you didn't have to over exaggerate so much about me though. It's embarrassing."

He nodded, "You're absolutely right. It's just as well I told him nothing but the truth then."

I looked at him closely to see if he was teasing, but he seemed sincere. This embarrassed me all the more and I looked away, unsure of what to say. He laughed and squeezed my shoulder, "Now my dear, it is half past three. I suggest you get yourself home and get your manuscript paper out and get scribbling as you will have one of the premier professional orchestras in the country here tomorrow morning looking to you for what they should be playing. And their conductor? He makes me look like a little pussy cat."

I saw my opportunity for revenge and smiled sweetly as I reached up to tickle Steve under the chin, "But that's exactly the way I think about you anyway." He nearly choked and I laughed at his response.

----------*----------

Thankfully I didn't have to scribble on manuscript paper literally. My computer sequencer software had a music annotation component. Nonetheless it was a busy afternoon, evening and night. It was midnight before I knew it and I had only done the first and second violins, violas, cellos and double bass. Although my musical arrangement skills were coming back to me, it was slow. Jools to her credit had kept a steady flow of coffee coming and had tactfully kept out of my way otherwise. Had I been scribbling on manuscript paper, there would have been a growing pile of crumpled pages on the floor beside me. It took a long time to get things the way I wanted. At least with the sequencer I had the advantage over the composers of yesteryear in that I could instantly hear how my parts sounded together. Having completed the string section, I moved on to woodwind and brass. It was coming faster now and eventually just before three a.m. I was done with those sections. I decided that the harpist, if there was one, and the percussionists would have to fend for themselves.

I listened to it one more time and imagined it alongside the song. It sounded OK to me and it would have to do as I needed a few hours sleep before having to stand before the London Phil. The thought was almost enough to keep me awake in a cold sweat. Almost, but not quite enough.

----------*----------

The next morning Lyndhurst Hall was a hive of activity as musicians milled around everywhere and got their places and seats sorted out. The adrenaline pumping through my veins made me forget about my tiredness. Steve introduced me to his brother Jeremy. Jeremy Yarwood was older than Steve. Early forties I reckoned. He was as tall as Steve, but was not as heavyset. He was thin and angular. He had the same quirky smile and sense of humour it seemed.

"Cara Malone," he said with largesse as he took my hand. He sighed and shook his head, "I see my little brother once again has lied to me to get me to do what he wants." I wasn't quite sure how to respond. He went on, "Telling me you were gorgeous." He rolled his eyes, "Such little words do not even begin to do justice to your extraordinary beauty and delightful visage."

I permitted myself a wry smile, "And I see that my life is going to be even more difficult with not one but two Yarwood jokers. As if I were not wound up enough, I have to deal with this?"

He laughed and winked, "Well, just remember, we brothers may have the same sense of humour, but I'm the good looking one."

I sat down at a desk and started to show him the parts I had written. Before I got very far, he stopped me and said he would like to hear me play and sing the song for him. So we went back into Studio 1 and I sat at the piano and did as he asked. When I was finished, I looked up at him nervously.

"Beautiful!" he said with admiration. "And so was the song."

I sighed, "Oh come on, please. I'm nervous enough."

He laughed, "No seriously, it's a lovely song."

We then headed into the control room and Steve let him hear the already recorded tracks. Jeremy nodded thoughtfully, "I think you are right Cara. It does need just a little something extra. Now let's go and see what you have got in the way of extras."

We sat down and looked through the parts as the orchestra were tuning up. Jeremy made a few notes here and there and made some changes. I was quite impressed. He didn't need to hear the parts played. He just made changes in his mind. I commented on this. He laughed again, "I've been doing this for so long that I don't need the orchestra to let me know what it should sound like. I've an orchestra in my head that never stops playing." He smiled modestly, "Although granted the real live orchestra does come in useful when I want to let others hear what is going on in my head."

After half an hour of working through the parts he seemed satisfied. I mentioned to him about the lack of percussion and harp parts. He shrugged and agreed that they would have to perform a professional real time interpretation. When I asked what that was, he laughed and said it meant that they would just have to 'wing it'. He assured me that as they were all consummate professionals, this should not be a problem. Jon and the rest of the guys had arrived and finding that they had nothing to do, had taken up seats near the back of the hall and just watched all that was going on.

Jeremy took his copy of the score and went to the podium. It was strange to see an orchestra in everyday casual dress. I don't know why, but I had imagined they would be here in their evening dress as that was all I had ever seen an orchestra wear. I realised this was silly - why on earth would they dress up for this? Jeremy got their attention, "Ladies, gentlemen...and percussionists." He was rewarded with a 'boom boom ching' from the latter's corner for his attempted humour. "This young lady is Cara Malone. My brother assures me she is the next biggest young rock star about to hit the big time. I fear he may have been swept away by her charms and good looks. However, as I have also been swept away by the same, we find ourselves here to help her out. She has written a delectable song which we are going to enhance even further. You should now have your parts in front of you."

Laura had been busy photocopying the amended parts for each musician and had distributed them. Jeremy got Steve to play the song back to the orchestra through the speakers of the Lyndhurst studio. I sat there as if on eggs as it was playing and scanned the faces of the musicians to gauge their reactions. It seemed to be generally favourable. Then Jeremy led them through it. He did it section by section until he was happy with each group's contribution. Then he took them through a few practice run throughs all together.

It sounded fantastic to my ears, but not good enough for Jeremy. He berated a few players, encouraged others and added comments for almost each instrument as to how he wanted it. He knew his orchestra well and they knew him as they responded to his leading. It sounded even better the next few times. Jeremy nodded and turned to Steve, "I think we are ready to give it a go."

During all this practising, Tom and a few other drafted in sound engineers had been running around adjusting microphone positions and then checking levels with Steve before making even more adjustments. Tom wanted to make some more changes, so everyone broke for lunch. Sandwiches were brought in and everyone milled around. I got chatting to a few of the musicians and several complimented me on the song. I, in return, complimented them for the improvements they were making to it.

I was wondering how on earth a full symphony orchestra was going to be synchronised with what we had already recorded, but this was not a new venture for Steve or Jeremy. Steve had added a strong metronome track to the song to guide Jeremy and dropped out all other tracks bar the piano and vocals. Jeremy had a pair of headphones on and, after gathering his troops together and calling for silence in the hall, nodded to Steve. No-one but Jeremy could hear anything of the song. The first verse and chorus did not have any orchestral component so Jeremy was just counting out the bars with his baton. Then the gradual build up began as the strings entered the fray in the second verse. I was mesmerised to watch the energy and enthusiasm that Jeremy put into it and to see this reflected in the response from the orchestra. He built them up to a crescendo climax at the end of the last chorus and stopped them dramatically as I knew the last two lines would be repeated with only piano and vocal as the song closed. He turned to Steve, the red lights went off and they nodded to each other. Steve played it back and all the way through was adjusting the balance between the various instruments. I closed my eyes as I listened to it and it was amazing to hear the song come to life. Predictably though, Jeremy wasn't completely happy. At the third attempt, he was satisfied. It didn't sound much different from the first two attempts to me, but I was delighted with the outcome. I made a point of thanking the orchestra for all they had done and I gave Jeremy a hug and told him I thought he was amazing. He grinned at me and told me that it was just as well he was not twenty years younger. I returned the wink and said it was a pity.

And so we wrapped up our first stint in the studio with nine songs recorded. 'I Just Wanna Be Me' would have to wait for our next session and I'd have to try and find a couple more songs for then too. We planned to come back to the studio in about three weeks time after the single had been promoted, released and for the most part done whatever it was going to do. At that time, none of us were to know that it would be almost twice as long before we were back here again.

----------*----------

Wednesday was a stressful day of a different kind. I spent it at Sony in the PR department. I was coached and instructed in how to give a good interview, what to say and what not to say. I thought some of it was a bit artificial, but there were a lot of good tips as well. Some things were obvious like never argue with your interviewer, smile a lot, laugh at their jokes and so on. On Thursday morning I got to put it into practice as there were several interviews lined up with local FM stations across London. The first was Heat 102.6 FM. It was very close by in the Notting Hill area. Simon Andrews was picking us up at six a.m. as we were being interviewed on their Breakfast Show. Jools was coming with me at my insistence. We were up at five a.m. and I decided to wear my low cut lilac top and a black skirt. We were both surprised to see a large black limousine pull up outside for us. When we got in and remarked to Simon about the choice of car, he laughed. "Image, image, image. Make people believe you are a big star, and they will make you into that star."

Heat FM was a small friendly outfit and they had been playing our song for over a week. George Tomason was the D.J. and he welcomed us in and made us feel at home. The interview was short and friendly. It was over before I knew it. A few questions about the song, about my music. A few questions about who I was and where I came from. It was all very superficial. As we left to head to our next appointment, I commented about how straightforward it was. Again Simon had wise words on this subject, "At the moment, no-one knows you. So yes the questions will be easy. It's all about information at the moment. Once you have a higher profile, the questions get tougher as people want to dig deeper. Think of the megastars, the press and media put them under a microscope. They know the basic facts, what they want is the juicy stuff."

I shuddered a little, "Well, I'm happy to stick with 'get-to-know-me' questions for now then."

The rest of the day was made up with similar little sound bites from me. It was very repetitive and I soon realised that, with a few little variations, most radio stations were very similar. I had to concentrate to remember which one I was speaking on at times. Friday was much the same and the only thing that was different was when we were at Capital FM, one of London's biggest commercial stations. After the interview, the D.J. brought me back to one of their sound studios as they were keen for me to record a little jingle for them. Simon was keen for me to do it. In his opinion, it was all publicity. It wasn't anything complex: there was a musical jingle, and I basically spoke over it. It was corny, but fairly typical of most jingles: "Hi, I'm Cara Malone. If you want No Half Measures, you want Capital FM!" I did it a couple of times until they were happy and we were off again.

Monday was very similar except for the fact that we had flown up to Manchester where a limo was waiting for us and we did the rounds of the local stations. That evening we flew up to Edinburgh in Scotland where we were spending the night. As we were walking through the airport to where a car would be waiting for us, Jools squealed, "Cara look!"

She dragged me into a music store and pointed at the new releases section. There I was, on the front of multiple CD single covers. I felt my heart pound and could hear the blood rushing in my ears. "Wow," I murmured. I had dreamt about this moment so many times in the past few years. I had known the single was being released, but there was something about seeing it for real with your very own eyes that could not be adequately described in words.

The next day, we did the rounds of the Scottish stations and the questions were again variations on a theme of what had gone before. I would love to tell you about each person that I met and what each station was like, but truth be told, they were all merging into one. The next morning we were on the first flight out of Edinburgh to Cardiff.

This part of the trip was more notable as it was almost like coming home. It was my native Wales, and although Cardiff wasn't home, it was strange to be coming to my parents' home city in my current capacity. I had no thoughts of dropping in on them as I wasn't keen on attracting any publicity to my family. The D.J.s in the local stations seemed friendlier. Perhaps it was because they could sell it as 'local girl makes good' or the like. Correspondingly however, the questions were a bit more detailed. Where did I grow up? Where did I go to school? I answered them as briefly and simply as I could without going into too much detail. At the end of the day, we caught the last flight back to London. Jools and I were utterly exhausted and it was good to be back in our own beds.

----------*----------

Simon phoned the next morning to apologise that he had not managed to get anything lined up for that day or Friday. I was quite glad and told him not to beat himself up about it. I think he read between the lines and reminded me to make sure to listen to the Chart Show on Radio 1 on Sunday night. As if I would miss it! I had heard 'No Half Measures' being played several times on different stations, and the single was in evidence in most record shops, but I had no idea how well it would be selling. I got a shock on Friday when I popped into the city centre to do some casual shopping. I was standing on the escalator up from the Tube line to Oxford Circus station when some of the posters that line the walls beside the escalators caught my eye. It was me! It was a blown up version of the single cover and the details of the new release emblazoned all over them. I looked around nervously in case anyone would be pointing at me, but thankfully as per usual the occupants of the London Underground were travelling on mindless autopilot.

I couldn't relax on Sunday at all and was pacing up and down. The Chart Show began at five p.m. and Jools and I were tuned in. Jon rang just before it started to wish ourselves luck. I felt like I was going to be sick. Simon had called earlier to say that sales had been pretty good, but he couldn't give an indication of what might happen. There were 7 new entries this week in the Top 40. Would we be one of them? The show dragged its way from 40 to 20 and there was no mention of us. I began to get worried. What if we wouldn't make an appearance at all? With all the publicity, hype and promotion, this would be a very bad sign. Would my career be over even before it had begun? Jools tried to reassure me. I got so edgy that I couldn't even sit still. The countdown went on.

Then it happened. A new entry at number 14, Cara Malone! The strains of 'No Half Measures' began. Jools and I screamed and we hugged and jumped up and down together all the way through the song. A top 20 record! I couldn't believe it. The phone began to ring. It was Claire first. I squealed down the phone at her and she squealed back. She congratulated me and said she couldn't wait to see me on Top of the Pops. I told her that I didn't think we would get a play for number 14. Then it was each of the band in turn. We were all delighted. Eventually a rather grumpy Simon got through. I think he was miffed at it having taken him so long to get through to me. However he soon mellowed and offered his congratulations too. He said that it should be easy to line up a few more radio slots this week, maybe even a signing opportunity in one of the main record stores. I went to bed that evening feeling even more exhausted than after our travels this past week. It wasn't physical tiredness, it was more that I felt emotionally drained. It felt good though.

----------*----------

The week was another blur of being driven from place to place and being asked the same questions in each location. I was not so nervous about it now and was getting used to it. I had my little answers imprinted in my mind so I could almost do it on autopilot. The Top of the Pops line-up is decided on a Monday night and as I expected, we weren't featuring.

Wednesday brought something quite different. Virgin Megastore not only wanted me to come for a signing session of the new single, but they wanted us to play the song live in the store. This was something they often did as a publicity measure. And so we found ourselves in the Oxford Street store early on Wednesday evening. The guys were quite excited by all this and as usual had pulled out all the stops on the image and outfit department. Not! I had spent a fair part of the afternoon getting myself ready. After chatting with Jools, we decided we should try and do something close to the look I wore in the video. Only not quite as explicit. Anyway, I didn't own a white leather bustiere. I wore a cropped white T-shirt that exposed my lower abdomen and new body jewellery, my short black leather skirt, stockings and black boots. I put myself through the tedium of using the hair straighteners again and spent an inordinate amount of time on my makeup. Simon had wanted me to come to the makeup and wardrobe department at Sony to prepare, but I was adamant that I could dress myself and do my own makeup. I figured that the sooner he figured this out, the sooner I would be left alone. I was quite pleased with the overall effect.

The joy of being the so-called star is that I didn't have to turn up earlier with the guys and make sure the equipment was set up alright and check the sound on the P.A. Instead I got to make an entrance in the standard black limo. There was a small crowd on the pavement and in the store. I did not really think they were all diehard fans. These sorts of events drew interest no matter who it was that was turning up to play. However it was very strange and quite exciting to have all these people cheer as I got out of the car. I smiled and waved as I was ushered into the store.

As I stepped up onto the little stage, I winked at the boys and then whispered to Jon, "I know we're only supposed to do 'No Half Measures', but what you say we give them an extra treat? How about we throw in 'Simply Say' too?" He grinned and nodded. As I turned to the microphone, Jon leaned back to Kevin who then passed the word on to Noel and then Brian.

"Good evening Oxford Street!" I called out. More cheers. "My name is Cara Malone and I reckon you're thinking 'Cara who?'. No matter. I hope to give you something to remember me by. This is my first single. It's called 'No Half Measures'."

And so we did it. It was almost effortless as we knew it back to front, yet we had the edge of the live performance giving it that extra little something. I was certainly nervous and I was sure the rest of the guys must have been too. It was smooth and slick and we had no sooner finished than Jon counted us in again. The bass and drums started off and then Noel did the sax line on the keyboard as Jon entered the fray. I had set my guitar down and took the mike in my hand. I could see some of the Virgin staff looking a little perturbed. This was not part of the plan.

I smiled as I started to sing and I let myself go and enjoyed the feel of this song as much then as I had when I had first sung it.

"To call you up, and ask you now If you know why I feel this way It feels both wrong and right somehow And I just don't know how to say The words I'm feeling in my heart But am afraid to believe they're true To open up and make a start, And simply say that I love you."

As the last chorus finished the guys ended on a jazzy 7th chord and the crowd's cheers soon drowned the fading notes from our instruments.

"Thank you so much. We'd love to stay and play all night, but I'm getting dirty looks from the manager. Good night!"

We stepped off the stage and the manager instead of giving the aforementioned dirty looks came over and laughed as he shook my hand. He complimented me on our performance and led me over to the table where I was to do the signing. A queue was already forming. Record signing sessions are a symbiotic affair which benefits the artist and the store in obvious ways. I was surprised by the amount of people wanting not only to buy the single, but wanting my autograph. I tried to find something to say to each of them. Most had something to say to me. The girls were more effusive. Most of the younger guys seemed a bit tongue-tied I thought. After about an hour, the line finished and I was glad as I was getting cramp in my hand. I walked back over to the rest of the guys, "It's OK for you lot. You get to hang out and chat to the fans. I get to do all the dirty work."

Jon laughed, "It's you they came to see anyway, not us. Some of those boys were practically drooling."

I grinned, "I did notice the way a few of the girls were getting these dreamy looks on their face when they looked at you too."

He flushed a little and couldn't stop himself from giving a little smile.

----------*----------

Although Jools and I sat and watched Top of the Pops on Friday night, I only featured in the countdown as our new entry at 14 was announced with my promotional picture on screen. "Look, you're on TV!" Jools teased. I didn't rise to it.

Sunday evening was a different kettle of fish. I had been tense all day long and even a little irritable. Whilst I was thrilled with getting a Top 20 single, I was heart scared of it dropping like a stone this week. We switched on the radio at five and each number counted down was reassuring as we didn't make an appearance. When the countdown had moved from 40 to 30, I had a terrible thought. "What if we've dropped out of the Top 40 altogether?"

"Rubbish!" Jools said emphatically, "That's not going to happen."

Time seemed to slow down as I willed the countdown to move faster. It reached number 20 and still we hadn't been mentioned. Each place counted now seemed to take an eternity. It came to 14 and it wasn't us! I looked at Jools, "Either we've dropped like a lead balloon...or we've moved up."

We weren't at 13, or 12 or 11. My breathing was shallow and my heart beat was almost drowning out the radio as it moved into the Top 10. We weren't at 10 or 9 and then at number 8, "Moving up 6 places is the debut single from Cara Malone, 'No Half Measures'". They didn't play the song this week, but I didn't care. "Top 10, Top 10!" Jools was shouting and I laughed and felt moisture running down my cheeks.

I laughed, "Darn it, look at me, I'm crying." The phone then did not stop ringing for the rest of the evening. I talked a bit longer to Claire this time.

"Do Mum and Dad know?" I asked.

"Have you told them?"

"Umm, no."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I don't know. Will they be interested?"

Claire laughed, "Of course they are. I was on the phone to them just before calling you. Although they won't admit as much, I think deep down they are proud. I'm not saying that all their hang ups are gone. Not by a long shot, but they do care. You really should keep in touch with them more. It's the only way to improve things."

"Yes miss," I said meekly.

She laughed and chided me and then we chatted on for a while longer. After chatting to most of the rest of the guys, the consensus was that we would have a fair shot at getting a play on this week's Top of the Pops. The next evening Simon phoned and it seemed we were right. It wasn't a live performance, but they wanted to play the video. Simon was delighted as he said it would increase my exposure. I quipped that having seen the video, I could assure him that I didn't feel I could increase my exposure any further. He also thought that MTV might add the video to their playlist this week which would do our cause no harm either.

The ensuing week was fairly hectic and was basically more rounds of radio slots. We were in Birmingham one day, Newcastle upon Tyne the next and Bristol the day after. It was getting a little tedious and I asked Simon if I had to this over and over again with each single. I was quite relieved when he said it would not be as intense with subsequent releases. The first single was very important. Once I was better known, the incessant round of personal interviews would not be as vital.

Jools had decided we would have a 'Top of the Pops' party at her place on Friday night. Who was I to stand in her way when she had a plan? She invited the entire band and told them to feel free to bring someone if they wanted. Brian of course was going to bring Laura which I was delighted about. Jon was going to bring Tanya, which I was less than delighted about. However, as Jools pointed out, it would be interesting to meet her. I remained to be convinced.

----------*----------

By Friday our place was coming down with snacks, nibbles and a not insignificant amount of alcohol. Neither of us were up to much in the culinary department so we were sticking to simple freezer-to-microwave-to-plate options. We had told everyone to come at seven p.m. so that we should all be ready for Top of the Pops starting at seven thirty. Simon had phoned the previous day and had wanted me to do yet another radio slot on Friday afternoon and I had refused. He seemed put out and wanted to know why not. I told him about the party and that I would need the time on Friday afternoon to get ready. With a degree of incredulity he said he couldn't believe that amount of time would be required. I smirked to myself and asked if he thought I would need to take Friday morning off as well to be sure. He persisted and I eventually had to tell him I had a doctor's appointment just after lunch anyway. Which was true.

"Oh," he paused, "err, is everything OK?"

I grinned at my end of the phone and used the line that was guaranteed to bring the questioning to a halt, "Oh yes, just women's problems you know."

He didn't know and he didn't want to. Being honest, I still didn't really know what women meant when they used that line, but I was beginning to suspect that it might not have any specific meaning and was solely used to shut enquiring males up. Whatever the truth of the matter, it worked in my favour. There was no more talk of radio slots on Friday afternoon.

Just after lunch on Friday, Dr. Carson called me into her rooms. "Hello Cara, you're looking well."

"Hi Dr. Carson, I'm feeling pretty good."

She laughed, "I can imagine why. I'm not quite too old to stop following what goes on the current music scene. Congratulations!"

I grinned, "Thanks." We chatted a little about the recording, the single and all that had been going on. She asked if I had been having any problems with the hormones or anything else. I made a little quip about moodiness but then shook my head and assured that everything was fine.

She hesitated and looked down at my chart sitting in front of her, "Cara, I do have some blood results which I think are important."

"Oh heavens," I blurted, "don't tell me my HIV test was positive."

Dr. Carson shook her head emphatically, "Oh no Cara. Not at all. Forgive me, I didn't think. No, your test was negative as expected. I would have contacted you sooner otherwise."

I felt foolish and grinned ruefully, "Sorry, guess I jumped to the wrong conclusion. Go on with what you were saying."

She nodded, "It was about your baseline hormone profile tests I took. I repeated them the last time you were here as well just to be sure."

I was quite apprehensive and interrupted, "Is everything OK?"

"Yes, what I'm about to tell you is not a problem in your case, but it is very enlightening. Have you ever heard of a condition called Testicular Feminisation? Otherwise known as Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome?" The blank look on my face gave her the answer. "No I didn't think you would have. Basically, in its full blown form, the patient appears to be a girl, but is genetically male. The body doesn't respond to the testosterone produced and the body's own natural oestrogens cause them to develop more as a female. With me so far?"

I nodded slowly, "I think so."

She continued, "There is variable penetrance though, I mean it can vary in how severe its effects are. I believe you have Incomplete Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. Your blood tests in keeping with other things suggest so: a raised testosterone level, raised oestradiol level and increased pituitary gonadotrophic hormones. Sorry, I know that may not mean much to you."

I was baffled and finding it hard to process all of this, "Umm, but didn't you say the patient appears to be a girl in this condition? I am, I mean I was a man."

She nodded and explained carefully, "Yes. But that's why I think you have an incomplete version of the syndrome." She paused and chose her words carefully, "I'm imagining that you were never the most...manliest of men? Not too much body hair. And, sorry to say this, I know you are not overdeveloped in the lower regions."

I grinned wryly, "You're right on all counts." I rubbed my forehead, "Take me through this again, does this mean I'm really a girl?"

She looked at me, "I presume you mean genetically? No, you are genetically male. But what it does explain is how sensitive you were to the initial hormone dosage and the development that just seemed to explode after you started taking them. Your body's own male hormones were ineffective and so the large dose of female hormone was completely unopposed. It also explains perhaps how you come to look as lovely as you do today. Your features were probably fairly androgynous before you began your transition."

It did make a lot of sense to me and I thought it also explained my strong female voice. "Is this a problem Doctor?"

She smiled, "Normally it could be a problem. However in your case, I think this is more of a blessing, wouldn't you agree?"

I grinned and shrugged, "I suppose as I sit here today in front of you as I am, I am living proof of that fact."

Dr. Carson smiled and nodded, "I think it has made your path a lot easier than it could have been. Normally in transitions like yours we have to prescribe an androgen blocker, but you have no need of it."

"How did I get this?"

"It's a rare genetic condition, X-linked. Which means you inherited a recessive, or dormant, gene from your mother."

I chuckled, "I sort of look like my mother now, so I guess I have her to thank for my looks in more ways than one."

We chatted about a few other things and Dr. Carson told me that I should get appointments to see the psychologist and psychiatrist in the coming weeks. Not something to look forward to in my opinion. As she was very satisfied with my current situation, she said I should make an appointment to come back in about four months.

----------*----------

Jools and I fought over bathroom rights that afternoon as both of us were trying to get ready at the same time. We were so focussed that I even forgot to fill her in on the news I had got from Dr. Carson. I really wanted to make myself look extra special for the evening. I told myself it was because it was expected of me in my newfound successful role. However, I didn't believe that for a minute. My real motive was baser and I was a little ashamed to think about it. I was amazed at how good a luxurious bath, hair wash and leg shaving session can make you feel. To think I had missed out on all this for so long? However, I was also amazed at how long it now took me to get ready for anything. Every silver lining has a cloud I reckoned. I shimmied into a strapless little black dress that I had bought the previous week and checked out my appearance. It looked good on me, but I thought I could do better. So I slipped out of it and reached into my closet to bring out my old friend, the corset. I had not worn it for some time and it took bit of getting used to again. I laced it tighter and tighter over the course of the next half hour as I did my make up. I did not cut any corners in that department either. Not too tarty, not too much, but certainly noticeable.

When I reached the compromise point between having as narrow a waist as possible and retaining the ability to entrain enough air with each breath to remain conscious, I slipped the dress back on. It made a definite difference. Almost too much and I considered taking the corset off again. Not only was my waist pencil thin, but my breasts were lifted up even further and more cleavage than ever before was displayed. I wavered with indecision and looked at myself this way and that before eventually deciding that I looked good and there was nothing indecent about my appearance. I loved the look of the strapless dress although it felt so strange to have nothing covering my arms or shoulders at all. Sheer black silk stockings and a pair of five inch heels completed the outfit. Well almost. A fine silver chain with a tiny heart-shaped pendant, matching bracelet and drop pendant earrings and I was done. I stood in front of the mirror and was quite stunned at the overall effect. I smirked to myself as I muttered, "See what you're missing..." I shook my head and berated myself. I was going to have to make a conscious effort to have a better attitude.

It was not helped by Jools. When she saw me, she grinned lasciviously and raised her eyebrows, "Well well, I see someone is out to reclaim the lost ground tonight. The opposition doesn't stand a chance."

"Jools!" I protested, "I'm trying not to think about it like that."

She gave me that knowing look, "Could have fooled me."

I tried to change the subject, "I doubt anyone could do that, and what about you? Out to impress if I am not mistaken?"

She looked very well. A low cut black satin blouse with a white leather skirt. I did not think such an outfit would look good on me at all. However Jools was different in so many ways and on her it looked great. She could carry anything off if she put her mind to it.

She laughed, "Always be prepared for you never know what opportunities might present tonight."

It was just before six p.m. and we did a last tidy up and then got the plates and glasses out, and got the oven on to heat up the snacks.

----------*----------

Brian and Laura were the first to arrive just before seven. We hugged and exchanged greetings. Laura looked fabulous. She was wearing a short white dress.

"You look wonderful," I said as I took her coat from her.

She grinned and flushed a little, "Thanks. But hey, look at you." She took me aside and whispered, "Guaranteed to catch the attention."

I sighed and rolled my eyes and couldn't help but smile, "Not you as well."

Kevin arrived by himself looking, well looking exactly as he always did. "Hey no-one said this was a dressy affair," he complained.

Noel was hot on his heels and had a girl with him. "Umm everyone this is Karin." He did the reciprocal introductions. Karin was tall and thin. Blonde haired, not natural I thought. She seemed a little aloof and I found it hard to warm to her. I didn't know that Noel was seeing anyone, but to be honest I would be glad if he was. I was too often aware of his eyes on me when he thought I was not looking.

Just before half past seven Jon and a girl whom I presumed was Tanya arrived. I opened the door and smiled, "Hi, thought you weren't coming."

He grinned, "Wouldn't miss it." He awkwardly gave me a little hug and stepped back, "Cara this is Tanya Redwood. Tanya, Cara Malone."

She was just a little smaller than I was; she was slim and had mousy brown shoulder length hair. She was pretty. Not as good looking as I was, I thought. Damn! I pushed my bitchy side back down inside myself. Such a lack of modesty was not a becoming feature either I told myself.

I smiled warmly and gave her a little hug, "Hi Tanya, delighted to meet you. Come on in. I would love to say that Jon has told me so much about you, but he hasn't. It's great to finally meet you and we'll have to get to know each other tonight."

She seemed a little overwhelmed as I brought her in and did a quick round of introductions. There was no time for any further conversation and Jools hushed everyone as Top of the Pops was starting. She turned down the lights and turned up the sound. I squeezed onto the sofa between Laura and Kevin. I knew we wouldn't be on for a while and I tried to stop myself from fidgeting impatiently. I think Laura noticed as she reached over and giggled, "Can't wait to see yourself on TV?" I laughed and reddened.

Just before they did the final Top 10 countdown it was our song! The Radio 1 D.J. introduced it, "Moving up 6 places from number 14 to number 8 is the debut single from newcomer Cara Malone. This is 'No Half Measures' and I'm sure you'll agree that the title is fitting when you see the video..." The video rolled. I had seen it before, but it was a scary feeling that across the nation people were watching me on TV. It was professionally done and I was proud of it. However I did feel a little self conscious as the moment approached for me to come strutting out of the dressing room. As the video showed this, I heard a few whistles around the room.

"Alright, alright, keep your hats on," I muttered in a feigned tone of annoyance. I got a few jeers for my trouble. It was Jools' voice that I picked out the most clearly too! When it finished the D.J. wiped his brow, "Phew! Follow that! I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Cara Malone...if that is possible." My face was bright scarlet as he did the final rundown before the number one single was introduced.

We didn't even listen to it. Jools turned up the lights and switched off the TV. She stood and applauded me and everyone else joined in. I laughed and stood up and did a mock curtsey.

"Seriously, that's enough. I don't deserve it all. You guys are the best and I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for a lot of what you all have done. Now as much as I am supposed to love the limelight, I don't really, so let's eat!"

That certainly met with general approval and we brought out the eats and the guys started serving some drinks. I found a glass of wine in my hand which got filled again too soon after I finished the first glass. The atmosphere was relaxed and everyone seemed glad to be able to wind down. Jon was chatting animatedly to Noel about something or other. Karin listened in, looking bored out of her skull. I suspected they were talking about recording nuances as Jon and Noel definitely won the prize for techno trivia. If that was the case, I actually felt sympathy for cool Karin as I had been subjected to many an involved technical discussion over the past number of weeks. Laura and Brian predictably had eyes only for each other. I smiled as I watched them. They were really good together and I hoped things would work out for them. Kevin was laughing at something Jools was telling him. He made a good audience and that was something Jools always liked.

I noticed Tanya come back from the bathroom and she looked a little lost. I knew I should make the effort. Truth be told, she did seem like a nice girl, my irrational prejudices aside. "Tanya, over here," I waved.

She smiled gratefully and sat down beside me. I grinned, "A bit overwhelming isn't it? I'm afraid with all the time cooped up in a recording studio over the last few weeks, we can seem a little cliquish."

She nodded, "Everyone's very friendly though. By the way, I do love your song. I think it's great and I'm not just saying that."

I waved a hand, "Thanks, I appreciate it."

She raised her eyebrows, "And that video? You looked absolutely fantastic in it."

I laughed and shrugged, "You're saying all the right things, but enough about me, tell me about yourself."

She was a bit self-conscious, but started to tell me about herself. She was indeed an estate agent, as Jon had said. She apologised for this and said she knew how boring that must be compared to what we did. I laughed and told her she should have seen how bored I was at many times in the past month. We got on to the subject that we had in common, Jon. I didn't bring him up, honest. She asked me how long we had known one another and I talked a bit about school and then the past few years. Of course, I omitted the inconsequential fact that we had been friends as two males.

I asked her how long they had been seeing each other and she smiled embarrassedly and told me it was about a month now. I could see that she was very taken with him and she would keep casting little glances his way. Despite all my previous ambivalence, I found that I warmed to her. I actually liked her and I could see what Jon saw in her. As I realised this, I did feel a little sorrowful self pity. I mentally shook myself. Here I was, enjoying success with friends. This wasn't a time to be maudlin. I would be proven so wrong sooner than I could possibly have known.

I got up to get another drink and as I was pouring a glass of mineral water, having already had 3 glasses of wine, Jon came to get a glass of water too.

"Thanks," he said softly.

"Mmm? What for?"

He shrugged, "For being nice to Tanya and chatting to her. It means a lot to me that you both get along. I was worried that..." He trailed off.

"Worried that what?"

He laughed, "What with coming here tonight, Tanya was feeling a little overawed. Meeting you in particular."

I patted him on the arm, "We've had a good girl talk session and I've filled her in on all the dirt on you, so don't worry. We'll get along fine."

The look on his face was priceless as he tried to work out if I was winding him up, but we were interrupted by Jools shouting.

"For heavens sakes turn the music off, the phone's ringing."

Someone obliged as Jools grabbed the cordless receiver. Of course, she now had all the attention.

"Hello?" "No this is Jools." "Oh hi Claire," Jools nodded to me. "What? Yes she's here, I'll just get..."

The smile fled from Jools' face and I could see her visibly pale. "Yes Claire, I understand, I'll get her for you now."

She walked over to me with a pained look in her eyes, "Cara, come with me and we'll take this in your room." She held onto the receiver and took a firm hold of my arm.

"What is it?" I asked with growing concern as she led me away.

Jools swallowed and hesitated, "It's your mother..."

To be continued...