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"I'm not Song," I said in a very firm tone of voice. "Will you now excuse me?"

That's when the cramped room became even smaller. As I began to leave, a third woman began to enter. Oh Song Lee and I almost walked straight into one another.

We just stood there for a minute staring at one another. With the exception of the way Song and I had our hair styled, It was like looking into a mirror.

The third woman in the room was who had already done a double take while shaking her head at the same time, exclaimed. "This is so incredible."

Synopsis- Interesting changes occur in the personal lives of Jeoun Cheung and her children after she lands a small part in a play.

*****

June 3rd, 2000

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dear Doctor,

How are you and your husband? It's been a long time since I last wrote.

The children and I are continuing to do well. School has two more weeks left to go before summer vacation starts. We haven't made any plans. I guess we'll just stay here in Orange County and enjoy the warm weather.

I got some exciting if weird news. Two weeks ago on a lark, after some teasing from my friends, I went and auditioned for a role in a theater production here. Guess what? I got the role. It's not a big one but I'm kind of excited for In Full Bloom. We start rehearsing next week and the show opens on September 24th.

This is just so weird. I'm still teaching and will continue to do so. It's just like a hobby or second job. Sometimes I think about changing my mind. Maybe I should, it's going to put demands on my time when I already have enough to do. Life as a single Mom is time consuming.

What do Adam and Brittney think? They are excited for me. If they weren't it would be easy to back out. I never thought I'd ever do something like this.

I heard from Linda last month. She sent a birthday card to Brittney. Linda has sent a few of these before but never once called to ask about her children. In this latest instance, Brittney tore up the card after I showed it to her.

Since 1998, I have tried hard not to speak ill of Linda in front of Adam and Brittney. I am sure there have been failures. Honestly I don't think Brittney's reaction is a result of anything I did since I got custody.

No change in my personal life. I'm still very single. A relationship with a man goes against everything I was as Jack McGee. As for a relationship with a woman, it would remind me of what happened with Linda. For now I'll stay single. I have Brittney and Adam to think of also.

I heard from Leslie last week. She has successfully gotten pregnant thanks to invitro fertilization. She will have a baby boy or girl next January. I'm of course very happy for her. Leslie says she plans on coming out here for my acting debut. She still holds out hope for a relationship between the two of us.

That's it. Till next time.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

The children were still in bed on the morning of September 25th. I had just gotten up five minutes ago and without even bothering to turn on the coffee first had gone outside and to get that day's copy of the LA Times. Once back in the house, I sat down and nervously opened up that day's accent section.

There it was, a review of In Full Bloom. The LA Times critic Neal Shapiro gave the show three and a half stars. I had been wondering all night how I fared in eyes of Mr. Shapiro and other critics. There may even be no mention of me. My role wasn't all that big.

I was happily surprised to find out Mr. Shapiro did notice me.

Miss Jeoun Cheung a newcomer to acting, was one of In Full Bloom's small surprises. The very attractive Korean born actress brought an air of naturalness to her role and maybe gave the most authentic performance tonight. I look forward to seeing more of Ms. Cheung in future shows.

I re-read the short review a second time. Almost as if I didn't believe it the first time. Would there be future roles? Did I want to pursue a career in acting? I didn't have any answers yet, but I knew I had to do something right that minute. Turn on the coffee and make myself some breakfast. Adam and Brittney would be up and wanting to be fed in about a half hour.

December 20, 2000

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dear Doctor,

I want to wish you and your husband a Happy Hanukkah. It's almost Christmas here for us. I'm prepared; all the shopping for Brittney and Adam is already done.

Brittney doesn't believe in Santa Claus any more, which is a shame. Someone once wrote life is all downhill after you stop believing in Santa Claus. Of course Adam still delights in the holiday. I guess we have a few more years left of this.

I'm at a crossroads again in my life. Last week I was offered the starring role in a spring theater Production here. The show's name is The Good Wife. A Korean man who goes back to Seoul to get a traditional Korean wife. My performance in In Full Bloom was the cause of me getting this offer.

The Good Wife debuts on May 1st of next year. Full rehearsals start the second week of February. I have to decide if I want to take the role. If I do, I have to stop teaching or at least take a leave of absence.

I now have an agent, his name is David Raisch and the offer came through him. I've got two more days to make my decision. Another decision about my course in life lay ahead of me. This is the one of the most unexpected.

In addition to The Good Wife, I've gotten some commercial and television show work offers. Nothing big and I haven't been able to accept any yet because of my teaching job. The biggest drawback to my pursuit of an acting career is the unreliability of the work. Can I do this and support my children financially? I have to do some serious thinking and calculating.

I may take some dancing and singing lessons starting in January. If I continue to pursue acting, these will prove very useful.

Eleven days ago the children and I had an upsetting experience. On the way home one night, Brittney and Adam were fighting. This distraction caused me to miss a stop sign. An Anaheim policeman witnessed what happened and pulled me over.

I deserved a ticket and made no excuses to the officer as he issued me one. What I, Brittney, and Adam didn't deserve was to be hauled into the Anaheim police station. The patrolman did this because the children and I don't look anything alike. This came after the officer quizzed us with questions and apparently he didn't like the answers. Soon after our arrival at the station we were separated and Anaheim police started checking missing children's records.

It got cleared up in less than two hours, mostly because I called P. She vouched for me. She may have called in some heavy artillery, for the next day the Chief of police called me personally to apologize.

I accepted the apology but Brittney and Adam were rattled by what happened. They thought for a brief time they were going to be taken away from me. Since coming home my children have become clingy again like what had happened after Linda abandoned them.

What happened was so unfair, I feel like screaming because of what my children were put through. What do I have to do to prove motherhood to some stranger? I guess I could try some dye or peroxide and become a blond(or would it be orange? The daughter of a friend tried to dye her black hair blond and had disastrous results) to look more like my children. Would that really fool anyone?

I'm glad you came out and saw the show last month. Leslie came out in October too. I just got some photos from her in an email. Leslie looks huge but she isn't complaining. Her due date is January 23rd and she plans to name her boy Maximilian Christopher. Definitely an interesting name but I like it.

Give your husband a kiss for me. I'll email some photos after the Christmas holiday.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

The applause I got on the opening night of The Good Wife made me want to cry. If the ovation I got was any indication, my first starring role was a big success. Then I was given a bouquet of roses by a person in the audience. That caused the floodgates to open and I continued to cry till the curtain went down for the last time.

When the curtain call was finished I was congratulated by my fellow performers and the people who worked behind the scenes to make A Good Wife possible. I was almost to my dressing room when I noticed a couple standing outside.

"Such a lovely performance, Miss Cheung," Said a woman in her late fifties or early sixties. A slightly overweight man of around the same age was standing beside her. "We have seldom seen such a wonderful performance. Haven't we Walter."

"I haven't seen one better."

"Thank you very much." I told the still nameless couple. Right then I had no idea who they were.

"Sorry I should have introduced myself. I'm Estelle Drevinsky and this is my husband Walter."

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Drevinsky," I said shaking both their hands. "I was wondering who you were. You're donors to the theater, aren't you?"

"Yes, just minor ones." Estelle replied.

"Mommy!" My son Adam yelled as he ran towards me. When our bodies met, Adam then gave me a kiss and hug. Brittney was right behind him.

"You did great, Mom." Brittney told me as we hugged.

"Thank you." I said to Adam and Brittney as I continued to hug them. My most important fans or critics were my children. I had obviously impressed them that night.

"And who are these two lovely children?" Asked Estelle Drevinsky.

"Adam, Brittney, this is Mr. and Mrs. Drevinsky. Say hello to them."

"Hi." Adam replied.

"Hello." Brittney said.

"These are my children, Mr. and Mrs. Drevinsky."

"Is your husband here tonight?"

"No, unfortunately. I'm a widow."

"How terrible," Estelle said to me as her husband grunted in agreement. "You're so very young still."

"Jack died four years ago. If you'll excuse me, I have to get undressed. It's been a long day and I got to get the children home and to bed."

"Of course. It's been nice meeting you, Ms. Cheung."

"It's been nice meeting you too, Mr. and Mrs. Drevinsky." Then I took both my children and went into my dressing room.

To- _IMndlDC@..._ (mailto:IMndlDC@...)
From- _Hooahgirl87@..._ (mailto:Hooahgirl87@...)
July 1st, 2001 11:49 PST

Dr. Mandel,

Attached to this email is a zip file with some recent photos. Hope you enjoy them.

Brittney is really into photography. She took a bunch of photos while we and Adam were on vacation. Including a few of me in a bikini.

Jeoun.jpg

The male heads I turned that day. Brittney's opinion? I looked awesome. I barely look 20 and still get proofed if I try to buy alcohol.

I'm still a little in shock over the success of my work on The Good Wife. When I started acting I never thought this would happen in my wildest dreams. The show is playing for its third month to packed audiences. We are sold out till the end of October and the show may even extend its run.

If I'll stay till the end is uncertain. I'm only obligated till the end of August. Right now I've got a half dozen television show offers. All as a guest star for one episode. ER, The West Wing, Stargate, The Gilmore Girls and Alias. Alias I've accepted and filming will take place in two weeks.

I've resigned my teaching job at The Lake Academy. It's no longer possible to juggle acting and teaching. This is admittedly risky but if acting doesn't work out, I can find a job teaching again for sure. The Orange County school system has a teacher shortage right now.

Adam and Brittney are enjoying their summer vacation. We went to Monterey for a few days last week. We spent some time at the pool, as you saw. With the shows every weekend, I have no time for a vacation. Adam and Brittney aren't complaining but sometimes I feel I am neglecting their needs. Of course you could what I am doing is being a proper provider and mother. Do mothers always second guess or feel guilty regarding decisions they make concerning their children? I seem to have that problem.

Odd thing that happened last week- I thought about Linda. It happened on June 26th, or what is Linda's birthday. I wonder what she is doing now.

My son Adam is going to play football in the fall. He is so excited and I'm a worry wart, afraid he'll get hurt. Brittney will be getting braces put on her teeth soon. I'm looking to buy a new car. The Corolla is starting to be more trouble than it's worth. The AC and the starter having both gone kaplunk since May.

I'll write again soon. Give my love to the doctor.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

September 10th 2001 was a pleasantly mild late summer day in California. The temperature was only in the mid to high seventies as I pulled into the long driveway that led to the San Clemente home of Walter and Estelle Drevinsky. San Clemente was a coastal city in southern Orange County best known for once being home to former President Richard Nixon.

Why was I there that day? I had been invited to dinner by the Estelle Drevinsky. Through my acting at the Orange County playhouse I had met the couple but wasn't on what you call friendly terms. The Drevinskys and I were more like acquaintances.

A week previous I had gotten a phone call from Estelle. She was inviting me to dinner this very night. I knew the couple was wealthy and important benefactors at the theater I still did most of my acting at. Knowing this I accepted the dinner invitation, at the same time guessing the couple just wanted to know one of the theater's now better known actresses.

Once I parked my car, I climbed out of the vehicle and then closed the door behind me. I then walked the short distance to the mansion that was the Drevinsky home. For dinner that evening I was wearing a pink Ralph Lauren blouse and black pants. I had on flat black shoes. A pearl necklace was around my neck plus I had on earrings and other jewelry. My long black hair was combed backward and behind my ears as it fell three quarters of the way down my back.

Estelle Drevinsky opened the front door about thirty seconds after I rang the door bell. "Good evening, Jeoun, so nice of you to come."

"Thank you, Mrs. Drevinsky for inviting me," I said in reply. "May I come inside?"

"Of course you may, Jeoun," Mrs. Drevinsky said as she held the door open for me. "By the way you can call me Estelle and my husband is Walter."

"Thank you, Estelle," I said on entering the home's downstairs foyer. The Drevinsky home was as exquisite inside as it was outside. It must have cost the couple a small fortune. "You have a very nice home."

"Thank you, Jeoun. Come this way, I'll show you the dining room where we'll eat shortly. We have a small sitting room next to it. I think you'll be more comfortable there till dinner is served."

I was then shown to the sitting room. On the way I saw the dining room. Large and luxurious would best describe it. The room featured a long dining table that had to seat thirty. Overhead were two crystal chandeliers and along both walls were cases full of china and silverware. There was also a smaller table in the room. This appeared to be where dinner would be served. The table was set for four people.

Once we were in the living room, Estelle engaged me in small talk. Mostly about if I had found the home all right and how lovely the weather was that day. I inquired about who was cooking dinner if Estelle was with me. Mrs. Drevinsky said Sylvia was their cook and dinner was almost ready.

Walter Drevinsky then arrived in the room. I had just finished shaking the man's hand when the front door bell rang.

"Excuse me, I'll go get that." Estelle Drevinsky said and then left the room.

I made small talk with Walter Drevinsky similar to what I'd been doing with his wife Estelle till the couple's other visitor arrived. Then I saw him.

He was either in his late twenties or early thirties. Tall with a full head of neatly trimmed black hair. He had brown eyes and his skin had an olive like tone to it. He stood ramrod straight and his body was lean without being thin. All in all what many women would call tall, dark, and handsome.

"Anthony," Estelle Drevinsky began saying. "I'd like to introduce you to Jeoun Cheung. Jeoun this is Anthony Pastorelli."

'Uh huh. Now I know why I was REALLY invited to dinner tonight.' I thought as Tony gently took my hand. "Nice to meet you, Anthony."

"Nice to meet you, Jeoun, but call me Tony."

"Ok, Tony. You can call me Julie."

Walter Drevinsky had slipped out of the room for a moment while Tony and I were introduced. Now he was back and nodded to his wife.

"It is time to go to the dining room," Estelle Drevinsky said. "Dinner will be served now."

Dinner was served almost immediately after I took my seat in the dining room. Beef Stroganoff or some dish with small bits of beef served over noodles and covered with gravy was the meal. Whatever the food was it was quite good. I also had some tossed salad and a glass of some very fine red wine.

Over dinner Mrs. Drevinsky cleverly asked questions in a way that made Anthony and I tell a little about ourselves. My 'match' was thirty-one, a pilot with United Airlines and currently living in Torrance California.

"Anthony, when did you move here from New York?" Walter Drevinsky asked.

"When I was eight years old. Dad took a job with Lockheed Martin."

"Seems much more recent to me." Estelle Drevinsky said. "It was like yesterday you used to come over to see our son David."

I popped a question then. "Do your parents still live here?"

"Yes, in Newport Beach."

"How is Michelle these days?" Estelle asked.

"Good," Anthony said as he put his fork down. "She seems to pick up more words every time I come home."

"Michelle is a smart and beautiful child. Much like her mother." Mrs. Drevinsky said out loud and then it was my turn to answer some probing questions.

It took Estelle Drevinsky about ten minutes to get the information she wanted out of me. I gave the well rehearsed background that was my cover or life story. It had been so well prepared by those people back in Washington DC, that no one ever questioned it.

"You're South Korean?" Anthony asked. Dinner was almost over. I was the only one still eating now but I was almost finished.

"Yes, from Inchon." I told Anthony. He appeared to be a very polite and good listener.

"I've heard of Inchon. Macarthur made a famous invasion there if I remember. I was never stationed in Korea." Anthony told me. I had learned earlier he had once been an officer in the Air Force. "How is it like living there?"

"It's very nice."

Estelle broke in at this point. "Didn't you meet your husband when he was stationed in Korea?"

"No, Jack and I met while I was studying here in the United States," I explained. "Jack was stationed at Ft. Lewis in Washington and I was attending Washington State University."

Estelle nodded her head as if my life story all made perfect sense. Anthony then spoke. "You speak very good English."

"Thank you. I learned it when living in Hong Kong for five years as a child."

Mr. Drevinsky then took a rare moment to speak up. "Estelle and I have twice been to Hong Kong. It's a very nice city."

"I liked it too." Was my reply. In reality I had never been to the city in my life and was hoping the subject would quickly change.

Luckily it did. "What did you study at college?" Walter Drevinsky asked.

"I have a Masters degree in Mathematics." I told my hosts and fellow dinner invitee. Anthony perked up slightly on hearing this. The stereotype that women aren't good with figures and such was rearing its head. I never put much faith in it, my ex Linda was good with numbers Then I wasn't a typical woman either.

We were all finished eating now and Estelle picked up a bell that was on the table and rang it. A moment later a servant came into the room and began to clear away the dishes.

Tony then asked. "So what do you do? Are you a teacher or professor?"

My small successes as an actress had not gone to my head. I humbly said. "I did teach mathematics for a while. Now I'm an actress at the Orange County Asian Playhouse."

Anthony's jaw immediately hit the ground. "Wow."

Estelle interrupted then. "Would either of you like some dessert and coffee? Sylvia makes an excellent apple pie."

"I'll have a slice," Anthony said. "Ala mode if you can. Coffee too please."

"A small slice for me too please. Tea if you have it too please, but coffee will be fine." I said speaking up. Estelle rang the bell again. When the servant came in, Mrs. Drevinsky gave the woman our orders.

"So you're an actress?" Anthony asked as the conversation began again.

"Yes, but a very minor one." I said modestly.

Estelle turned her gaze to her other guest that night. "Jeoun is really very modest. She was excellent in the lead role of The Good Wife last spring. The LA Times critic said he rarely saw a talent such as Jeoun's"

Right then I blushed terribly at Estelle's remarks. At the same time Anthony seemed to have intensified his gaze upon me.

"She's even done some television work this summer. Haven't you Jeoun?"

"Yes, episodes of ER, Alias, and West Wing. I'm doing Stargate SG1 next week. They are really just very small roles to earn some money."

"Don't be modest dear. You almost landed a role on that new Star Trek show that's beginning soon."

Estelle was referring to my audition and screen test for the role of Ensign Hoshi Sato. I had been one of the four finalists last spring before fellow Korean-American Linda Park got cast in the role.

Linda was deserving of getting to play Ensign Sato. I still spoke English with a heavy Korean accent. Getting acting roles that didn't have me portraying an immigrant were next to impossible

You know I felt like hiding under the dining table about now. Estelle was laying it on so thick while introducing me to Anthony. Yes, I knew what the real motive for tonight was now. I wouldn't have been surprised if it all proved a little too heavy for this airline pilot. If I was as accomplished as Estelle was portraying me to be, Tony may wonder why someone like me could possibly be interested in him.

There was still no one in my life other than Brittney and Adam. Not a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Between the children and my career I didn't have all that much free time. I had little desire to go dating. Over the last three years I had turned down six men and one woman who had asked me out.

Right then I was inclined to do the same with Anthony. I just went along politely with the Drevinsky's attempt at matchmaking.

Estelle Drevinsky then mused. "Jeoun is a very educated, well traveled, and talented woman."

Anthony just grinned slightly after hearing these comments. Then the cavalry arrived, or rather dessert for Tony and I. It hadn't failed to catch my attention that the Walter and Estelle weren't having any dessert themselves.

Then Estelle rose from her chair, "Walter, I think we should go check on Sylvia to see if she needs any help."

Walter Drevinsky took his wife's cue. "Yes, I think we should. If you'll excuse us."

Tony and I remained silent as our hosts left the room. Anthony spoke up a few moments later. "What do you think?"

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..." I sang softly to Tony which caused him to laugh loudly and this caused me to laugh too.

"It was obvious to me the minute I walked in." Anthony said as he continued to chuckle. He seemed to have no problem understanding me in spite of that accent I had.

"For me the moment was when you walked in, Anthony."

"Call me Tony."

"Ok, Tony. You can call me Jeoun or Julie."

Tony then asked me how my name was spelled. I told him. "Why Julie then? I am just curious."

I explained to Tony the phenomenon common to Asian-American children of taking American nicknames in place of their ethnic birth names. "Some of us have hard to pronounce names which we always have to explain to people. A lot of us instead go by names like Mike, Deb, Sue…"

"I get you now. But I think Jeoun is a nice name." Tony said before eating a mouthful of the apple pie he had been given.

"Thank you. Some of my friends call me Jeoun, some call me Julie. Jeoun Cheung is my acting name." I explained to Tony.

"I'll look out for you when those shows come on the air."

"Don't sneeze," I advised Tony after sipping some of the tea I had been brought. It was really quite good. "If you do you may miss me. My roles aren't very big."

Tony chuckled. "Are they really that small? Is it that bad finding work?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "No, I'm not really complaining. Acting is my livelihood and these people are hiring me. I'd just like something meatier, not some dignified cameo appearance."

"I hear you." Tony said after eating another mouthful of apple pie ala mode.

"The Stargate episode I'm shooting is a bigger role. Maybe I'll just stick to theater work. There isn't that a big a demand for Asian actresses, even in Hollywood. We either get token work or get roles written for us that are outdated stereotypes."

"Like Japanese women walking behind their husbands?" Tony asked as he finished his dessert. I was done by now too.

"Yes, exactly." I answered back. Then I decided to switch topics. It was time to talk about Tony. Men like to talk about themselves, more so if a woman is listening to them. "You're an airline pilot for United?"

"Yes, I have worked for them about seventeen months."

"What type of aircraft do you pilot?"

"I'm a co-pilot of 737s."

"You must fly domestic then?" I had always been interested in the many types of aircraft. Either military or civilian.

Tony nodded his head. "Yes, I fly totally domestic routes. You know a little about airplanes then?"

"Just a little, my father used to be interested in them. It sort of rubbed off on me. When do you fly next? I guess you work out of LAX."

Tony again nodded his head. "Yes, I'm based out of LAX. I'm flying tomorrow. My flight goes to Denver and then I fly into Houston. I work the next four days in a row."

We talked some more about Tony's work and some of his interests. Like most guys, he was into sports. Basketball seemed to be his favorite and I liked that sport too.

"If you like we could go to a Laker or Clipper game." Tony said to me.

"Are you asking me on a date?" I asked. It sounded as if he was asking me out. Tony immediately chuckled.

"That's up to you."

There were still no signs of our hosts. A servant came in earlier to clear away our dessert dishes and to ask if either Tony or I wanted more tea or coffee. We both said no and the servant then left us. "The Drevinkys must be polishing the pots in there."

Tony immediately laughed at my joke. "Who knows? They may be right behind the door listening to us."

I nervously laughed. "Yes, we have been set up. I came tonight because they donate to the theatre I act at."

"They just asked me over but without giving any reason. Jeoun, I've enjoyed meeting you."

"The same here, Tony," I then remembered something from earlier and decided to bring it up. "You have a daughter named Michelle? How old is she?"

"Yes, Michelle is her name and she turns two on the 20th." Tony said to me. "Would you like to see her picture?"

"I'd love to." Tony then reached in his left pants pocket and removed his wallet. He then passed it over the table to me. Inside the billfold there was a small section for photos. "She's adorable."

"Thank you. Michelle takes a lot after her mother in that department."

I had to agree with Tony's last statement. In his billfold there were two pictures. The one on the right was Michelle and appeared to be taken rather recently. The girl had these most adorable bangs and was wearing a very cute red dress as she smiled for the camera.

To the left was a second photo. It was of an adult woman in her mid or late twenties. She had Blond hair like her daughter but of a much lighter shade. I could see the resemblance between the woman and girl. They had to be mother and daughter. "Yes, I see the resemblance. Their eyes are so much alike."

Tony smiled briefly but it didn't strike me as right. "Yes Michelle does look like her Mama. She also has the same shy smile Lena had. Lena was quite a beauty."

'Had? Was?' Up to now I guessed Tony was divorced but now I suspected something totally different. I then took a deep breath. "Tony, did something happen to Lena? If I'm being too personal just tell me to butt out."

Tony looked straight at me. The smile was now gone from his face. I knew what was wrong about the smile moments before. It was Tony's eyes. There was a sadness about them. A look of someone who had this terrible pain inside of him.

"Lena, Michelle's mother and my wife died in 1999. Less than two days after our daughter was born."

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry."

"It's alright Julie. I still can't get over what happened."

"I don't blame you Tony."

"Every day I think this is just some bad dream," Tony said as he began to get all choked up. "Lena will walk in the door and everything will be like it was before. But Lena isn't coming back. Every time I look at Michelle, I see her mother."

"She does look a lot like her Mom," I told Tony. There at the table I could feel the pain he was suffering. I wished there was a way I could help Tony with it. "You want to talk to me about Lena? Tell me about what happened."

Tony said that he would like to talk. For the next ten minutes I sat riveted to every word the man said.

But first Tony gave a little background on himself. He had gone into the Air Force via the ROTC program. Tony attended San Diego State University where he majored in aeronautical engineering. After Tony got his Masters' degree, he became active duty Air Force.

"They trained me to pilot C-17 Globemasters." Tony told me.

"Aren't those cargo and troop carrying planes?" I asked. In reality I knew the answer but it was my way of telling Tony I was paying attention. Which I really was of course.

"Yes they are. My first base was in Germany."

"Ramstein?"

Tony chuckled. "Yes, Ramstein. You're pretty smart."

I gave Tony a brief smile. "I remember it from the movie, Air Force One." My reply elicited another chuckle from my new friend.

Then Tony settled into telling how he met Lena. He had been on leave and like a lot of American servicemen in Europe; he took this time to see and travel around the continent.

"Me and my best friend David White went up to Denmark for a week. That's where I met Lena."

"She was Danish then?"

"Actually Swedish. Lena was from Malmo, which is only a short hovercraft ride away from Denmark." Tony explained to me. Lena Pastorelli did look very Swedish to me in retrospect.

Tony went on tell me of his meeting Lena on a Danish beach. How they almost instantly became friends and the six days they spent together as Lena showed Tony around Copenhagen. The Danish capitol was like a second home to her. They also did a day trip to Malmo.

"You know the saying two's company, three's a crowd?" I said I did while laughing briefly. "Well, I sent David to go on without me. I got back to Ramstein by train."

Tony courted Lena for another sixteen months before the couple was married in the base chapel at Ramstein Air Base. The wedding took place on November 8th, 1997. After honeymooning in Spain, the two newlyweds set up house in a small town just adjacent to Ramstein AB.

"Lena was a Swedish citizen so I had to apply for her so she could immigrate to the states. My tour at Ramstein was ending in early October 1998," Tony explained to me. "Did your husband do something similar for you?"

Again it was time for my cover story. "Yes, Jack did, but I was still here as a student." Tony nodded his head as if he understood.

Lena still hadn't gotten a letter from the US embassy before Tony had to leave for his next tour. He was being assigned to Hickam AFB in Hawaii. Their separation however was short, Lena went to her embassy interview in late November 1998 and the couple was re-united by the second week of December.

"Lena loved Hawaii. The sights, the shopping, everything about living there. Almost everything except that Hawaii is an expensive place to live. We were still like newlyweds; it was a time of excitement for us."

I did the math in my head. "You and Lena must have learned she was pregnant early in 1999."

Tony nodded his head. "Yes, we did. In February Lena did a pregnancy test and it was positive. Her due date was October 15th."

Then Tony told about the following months. It had been a time of excitement for him and Lena as they traveled the path to parenthood. Clothes to buy for the baby and a nursery to set up were just two activities. The couple learned in June they were expecting a girl. The name chosen for Lena and Tony's child was Michelle Jessica. Everything was going well the doctors said.

"In early September Lena's mother came to live with us," Tony explained. "I flew a lot of trips stateside and to parts of Asia, so I wasn't home every night. Mom was a big help for Lena in those days."

Tony had flown cargo back to McChord Air Base in Washington, so he wasn't home the day of September 20th when Lena had her thirty-six week checkup at the base's women's clinic. Mrs. Janzen, Lena's mother accompanied her daughter to the doctor. Nothing was out of the ordinary that morning except that Tony's wife said she had a headache.

"When Lena was examined, they discovered her BP was 230 over 130."

"That's very high. Sounds like Lena had pre-eclampsia."

So far to this point Tony was keeping his emotions to himself. Now they slowly began to show. "The doctor was going to admit Lena that day. She wanted to use the bathroom and got up. Lena said something to her Mom about her head feeling like it was about to burst, and then she collapsed."

Tony's voice was now full of emotion as he re-told the terrible events of September 20-22, 1999. His twenty-five-year-old wife Lena had collapsed from a massive stroke. Her heart had stopped beating and only through resuscitation was the mother revived. Immediately doctors rushed Lena into an operating room so an emergency c-section could be performed.

I knew it was a miracle Michelle Pastorelli was alive today. The amount of people whose heart has stopped and have it revived are something like five to ten percent.

"I was already flying back from McChord and didn't know anything till I touched down at Hickam," Tony told me. "The moment I heard the news I went totally numb.

Tony went on to tell the day's events. Michelle was born breathing and taken straight to the NICU. The girl would spend six days in the hospital before coming home. Michelle had been born slightly premature but had no medical issues from it.

Lena Pastorelli wasn't so fortunate. The stroke or rather burst blood vessel had destroyed much of her brain. When Tony arrived at the hospital the only thing keeping his wife alive was a breathing machine.

"Lena had a living will. She had never wanted to be kept alive by life support," Tony told me as I silently listened to his every word. "Here I was days ago thinking of how Lena and I were starting a family and now I was being told by the doctors she was brain dead. Why did this happen to her? Lena was the most wonderful woman and wife a man could have."

I didn't say anything to Tony. Words were meaningless in a case like this. The best course was to just listen and be a friend.

"The next day an EEG was done. It showed no brain activity. I was left having to make the decision whether to let my beloved wife die." Tony said and then paused for a moment. Like he was summoning up the strength to tell the rest of what happened two years earlier. "That night after talking things over with my parents plus Lena's Mom and Dad, I had the doctors take Lena off the machine. Lena died at 0217 on September 22nd."

I had tears running down my cheeks now but Tony's own tears were under control. "I'm so sorry, Tony."

"Thanks, Julie. It's like a nightmare that never ends for me."

Right then I felt like giving the man a hug but I didn't. I thought my ordeal or 'loss' was bad. Tony's experience with Lena put mine in perspective.

"It's almost two years and I still expect to see Lena again." Tony said as he shed some more tears. "Every time I look at Michelle, I see my Lena."

"I don't blame you. Michelle's a beautiful girl." I told Tony. Then he re-composed himself. Maybe Tony was embarrassed by this display of emotion in front of someone he barely knew.

"Sorry, Julie, I didn't mean to burden you with my personal problems."

"You're not burdening me at all, Tony."

Tony looked down at his hands for about a minute. He had them folded on the table in front of him. "You were married?"

"Yes," I said to Tony. Now I was going to have to lie and while it was necessary because of my background, it didn't mean I liked doing it. Living a lie was very draining emotion wise. "Jack died in an auto accident."

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright." I replied unemotionally.

"You know what I been through then."

"Yes kind of." For these last four years I had been forced to act like Jack McGee was dead. He was in a way. That life was over for me, now I had the life of Jeoun Cheung. I liked most aspects of my new life but I still mourned my old one.

"You want to talk about Jack? Tony asked me.

"No, not right now."

Tony nodded in understanding. "You said you have a boy and girl?"

"Yes, Brittney is nine and Adam is or will be seven soon. I'd show you photos but my purse is outside in the foyer." I told Tony. He didn't seem to catch on to the math discrepancy in the children's ages or if he did Tony wasn't talking.

We began to talk about more recent events in our lives when Mrs. Drevinsky came in. She was holding my purse.

"Jeoun dear, one of our servants was cleaning the foyer and noticed your bag. Maybe it's best if you keep it here with you."

I then thanked Estelle for her kindness. The moment after she left the room, both Tony and I broke out laughing. "You think the room is bugged or do they have an ear to the key hole?"

Tony continued to chuckle as I opened my handbag to remove my wallet. "Not sure, but I don't think what happened was a coincidence."

Neither did I. I then passed Tony my wallet. "Here's a picture of the children that I have. I'm their adoptive Mom by the way. Adam and Brittney were from my Jack's first marriage."

Tony looked at the photos for about a minute before returning my wallet. "They are very cute."

"Thank you." I said as I put the wallet back in my purse. Then I hung the handbag over an adjacent chair.

"You must have a very big heart to take care of those children." Tony commented.

"Thank you. Adam and Brittney needed a mother. I'm happy to be that for them." I answered in reply and Tony appeared to understand.

Much of the conversation Tony and I then had before calling it an evening involved our trials and tribulations as single parents. A few months after Lena died, Tony resigned his Air Force commission and moved back to California.

"My parents are here, two of my brothers and one sister all live in the Los Angeles or San Diego Area," Tony explained to me. "Michelle has lots of nieces and nephews here. I think that's good for her."

"Yes, I think it would be. Who helps you take care of Michelle when you're flying?"

"My parents most of the time. I think I told you they live in Newport Beach."

"Yes, you mentioned that. That's good you have their help."

Tony nodded his head. "Yes, I don't know what I'd do without Dad and Mama's help. They are wonderful grandparents to Michelle. How about your own family?"

"My parents are dead and I don't really have anyone but some cousins back in South Korea."

"Bummer. That must be tough on you."

"I manage alright." I said as I began to yawn. "Adam and Brittney are my life."

Tony looked back at me like he totally understood. "Michelle is the center of mine."

We continued to talk for a while longer. Really about nothing in particular, a little about each other's work and some of things we both liked doing.

"It's been very nice meeting you, Jeoun," Tony said looking down at his watch. Then he smiled. "I've got to get up early tomorrow. I leave for airport around 0630."

"That's alright, Tony, I've got to get home too. Tomorrow is a school day for the children."

"Michelle stays with her grandparents when I'm gone."

"Yes, you told me and that's good." I said looking my dinner companion in the eye. By now I didn't particularly mind the deception the Drevinskys had used to introduce Tony and me to each other. I had made a new friend.

"Jeoun, would you like to go on a date with me?" Tony asked confidently. I was not surprised by the question.

"I haven't dated since Jack died."

Tony looked like he understood. "I have only been out twice myself. A nurse I met when Michelle had to go to the ER once in Long Beach."

"Was Michelle all right?"

"Oh yes, she just got sick on a weekend and I had no choice but to bring her into the ER. Michelle had a temperature of one hundred one and something."

"You sound like a wonderful father."

"I try to be. It's not easy with me being out of town so much. So what do you think about a date?"

For half a minute I just sat staring down at my hands. This wasn't the first time I had been asked on a date. Every prior occasion I had declined in a polite fashion. Why was it different today with Tony?

I was asking myself just that. He seemed a genuinely sweet man. So had some of my previous suitors, so that wasn't the reason. Was it the story of his wife? Tony's retelling of what had happened to Lena had moved me to tears. I felt incredibly sorry for this new friend of mine. Was that affecting my thinking?

Four years after using the machine, I still let my male past affect my thinking. You'd have thought it wouldn't by this time, but I was probably too stubborn to let go of some of the prejudices that came from once being Jack McGee. That and my focus on raising Adam and Brittney had been the two decisive factors in my declining all previous offers of a date from any man.

Tony then spoke up. "Jeoun, I know how hard it is go on a date after losing your spouse. You want to hold on to them and never let go. If you don't want to go out on a date, I do understand and my feelings won't be hurt."

'I wonder if the Drevinskys are still listening in.' I nervously thought to myself. Why was I getting nervous? All I had to do is say no.

Then I made a small joke. "I'm not very Italian... or Swedish."

Tony laughed. "No, you aren't. I like you, think you're nice. You're very pretty too."

"Thank you."

"Do you want to go on a date?"

"Yes." I told Tony.

He immediately broke out in a broad smile.

"When will we do this?"

"I work beginning tomorrow and that lasts for four days. On Friday I get back to Los Angeles."

"Adam and Brittney are in school."

"Saturday night then?"

I was a little shocked at my agreeing to a date. Then I remembered what both Doctor Mandels told me about decisions. "Yes, Saturday will be fine."

Tony and I then took a few minutes to exchange telephone numbers, both home and cell, plus our email addresses.

For Tony's phone numbers, I entered them in the electronic organizer I always kept in my purse. Then I took out a small note pad and pen also located in my handbag. Using these I wrote down my numbers for Tony.

"I'll call you Saturday morning to get directions and decide what movie we'll see. That all right?" Tony asked.

"Yes, it is."

Tony and I soon got up from the table and went to find the Drevinskys to say goodbye before leaving. Instead Estelle and Walter found us. Tony and I then said our goodbyes and thanked the couple for having us over.

On the way to the front door, Estelle whispered in my ear. "Tony is a very nice young man. I think you will like him."

Before getting in our cars, Tony and I said goodbye outside the Drevinsky house. "I guess we'll talk on Saturday. Nice meeting you, Jeoun."

"Nice meeting you too, Tony." I replied just before Tony bent down and kissed me on the left cheek.

"Talk to you later. Bye." A few minutes later I was on my way back to Buena Park.

Little did I or anyone else in America know but nineteen men would change US history the very next day. The day after I met Anthony Pastorelli was Tuesday September 11th, 2001.

The day started normally enough for me and the children. Being in between acting jobs, I was off that particular week. I rose at my usual time of a quarter to six in the morning. Making myself some toast and pouring some coffee, I enjoyed a little quiet time before having to wake Adam and Brittney for school.

Most mornings I concentrate on breakfast and reading the LA times. Occasionally I turn the television on. That morning I did just that.

The small television set I have in the kitchen area was set to CNN. I immediately saw a picture of a building on fire. A news broadcaster said it was one of the World Trade Center towers and that a plane had crashed into it.

I continued chewing on some of my toast. This was so incredible that anyone could fly into a building on what looked like a sunny cloudless day. I did recall the 1945 Empire State Building crash. But that happened in poor weather in the month of December.

If these scenes of a building on fire were shocking, the next thing I saw caused me to drop the toast I was eating. A plane came into view and struck the second World Trade Center tower. The tower that wasn't on fire and I had just watched it all on live television.

"Oh my God." Was my shocked reply. I continued watching the newscast, so fixated on what was happening I almost forgot to wake the children. That was when I made my first mistake.

When I got the children up and they were seated waiting for their breakfast, my second mistake occurred. Adam would always turn the television on to the cartoon channel during breakfast. I had forgotten to change the channel on the television

So when Adam turned on the set he and Brittney got to see CNN showing another replay of the plane crash I had seen live. They were as shocked as I had been.

"Mom, a plane crashed." Brittney said with her mouth now hanging wide open. I immediately switched channels as my children asked me what had just happened. How do you tell children that terrorists just killed thousands of people in cold blood?

I didn't have the answers. So I instead served my children breakfast and then got them ready for school. Just like any other day but this was no ordinary day anymore. After dropping Brittney and Adam off at school I returned home to watch the unfolding drama on television. Like millions of others that day I could barely take my eyes off the television.

It was around noon time that something occurred to me. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it earlier. It was about Tony. He was a pilot for United. I barely knew the man and now I was wondering where he was and if he was safe.

Getting my organizer out of my purse, I tried calling Tony at home. I got his answering machine, so I left a message. Then I tried his cell phone. It was turned off and I left a voice mail message there.

In the end I probably tried both phone numbers somewhere between ten and fifteen times that afternoon up till 5 p.m. Always getting no answer and instead hearing either the voice mail or answering machine message. I began to get increasingly worried.

If I was thinking straight that day, I wouldn't have been obsessing over Tony and his whereabouts. But 9-11 was a mixed up day and information was coming in fast and furious on the news. Flights had been grounded across the country but I wondered if Tony had taken off before this happened. Was he in LA now or somewhere else?

Days later I would look back at this as all rather silly. I barely knew Tony and I was getting upset about not knowing his whereabouts. Had I gone temporarily insane?

Just before 4 p.m., I picked Adam and Brittney up at their school. The happenings of 9-11 had been the topic that day at class. Even at the elementary school level. Both my children were abnormally subdued as we made the trip back to our home.

Once home, Brittney and Adam went right to work on their homework, while I resumed my calls to Tony. Not in the mood to cook that night, I was debating with myself whether to order pizza or take the children to Keno's a nearby family restaurant in Buena Park.

It was just a little bit after 5 p.m. when Tony's cell phone began to ring. Up to then I had always gotten his voice mail recording.

"Hello." Said a female voice. The voice did not sound very young. Tony's mother perhaps?

"Yes, can I speak to Tony, please?"

"Hold on." I heard then what sounded like the phone being put down. A few moments later I heard some muffled voices.

"Hello, this is Tony."

"Hi Tony, it's me, Jeoun."

"Hi Jeoun, how are you today? How are Brittney and Adam?" Tony asked. He didn't sound surprised I was calling.

"Ok considering everything that happened today."

"Yes, it's been a terrible day."

"How are you?" I asked.

"Ok. My flight was canceled." Tony went on to explain he had reported to LAX around seven that morning. The flight to Denver wasn't leaving till after 9 a.m. Not long after arriving Tony learned his flight was canceled. "I left the airport around noon time."

"Where are you right now?"

"My parent's home in Newport Beach."

Right then I heard the sound of what I thought was a female child in the background. "Is Michelle there? How is she?"

"Michelle is here, and she's fine."

"I could hear her voice on the phone."

Tony chuckled. "Yes, she's having some fun with Muffin, my parent's pet Yorkshire."

"I was just calling to see how you are."

"Thanks, Jeoun. We're all fine down here."

"That's good." I was about to say goodbye to Tony and say we'd talk later in the week when I heard some muffled voices. It sounded like Tony may have been talking to his mother.

Then Tony was back on the line. "Jeoun, my mother wanted me to ask you something. Would you, Adam, and Brittney be interested in coming here for dinner tomorrow night? My parents are inviting all of you."

I only met the man the night before and now I was getting asked if I wanted to meet his parents. Things were going way too fast. "Tony, is it all right if I take a rain check?"

"No problem, Jeoun."

"Tony," I said trying to pick words carefully so as not to give the wrong impression. "We just met. I am not ready to meet your parents. I'm sorry."

"Jeoun, I understand perfectly. You have nothing to apologize for. I should be apologizing to you for going too fast."

"No, Tony, you don't. I'm just….it's not easy."

"Jeoun, I totally understand," Tony said sounding both sincere and apologetic. "If I were in your shoes I'd feel the same way."

Then I don't know what got in my head that caused me to make the following joke. "If you were in my shoes your feet would be killing you."

Immediately I could hear loud laughter from the other end of the phone line. "Yes, they certainly would be."

Tony and I talked for almost another five minutes. We discussed nothing in particular which is the weird part. I was just happy my friend was safe.

"I don't know when I'll be flying again. No announcement has been made yet." Tony told me.

"That's pretty understandable."

"Jeoun, would Friday be all right for our date rather than Saturday? Just in case I'm flying again on Saturday."

I paused for a bit. Should I change my mind? No I was going to do this. Maybe it was time to see how the other half dates. "Friday will be fine, Tony."

Tony began to say something about his parent's phone number when I noticed Brittney in the room. I had been so distracted that I hadn't even seen her. "Mom, I need some help with a math problem."

"Princess, go to your room. I'll be there in a couple of minutes," I said. Brittney gave me an odd look before hurrying back to her room. Then I went back to talking to Tony. "Sorry, Tony, Brittney came in asking for some help with her homework."

"No problem, Jeoun, I better let you get going then. Are you ready to take down my parent's phone number?"

I already had my organizer out and was ready. "Go ahead."

Tony then told me his parent's phone number as I typed it into my organizer. When done, I repeated it back to Tony to double check if I had it right.

"You got it perfect. Call me Thursday night after 8 p.m. I'll be here and we'll discuss our plans then."

"Will do."

"If you need me, you can call here anytime. I'd better let you go now."

"Tony, it's been nice talking."

"Nice talking to you too," Tony and I were acting like neither of us wanted to hang up on the other. "You're an incredible and beautiful woman, Jeoun Cheung"

If Tony was in Buena Park then he would have seen me blush. "Thank you. Love you."

"Love you too. Bye."

"Bye." I said and then hung up the phone. ‘Love you? What has happened to you Jeoun Cheung?' Stowing that thought for future consideration, I got up and walked back to Brittany's room. It was time to help my daughter with some long division.

"Tony's here I think," I told Brittany and Adam. A moment ago I swore I heard a car pull in our driveway. "Remember do whatever Jessica tells you."

"Yes, Mom." Brittney said with an aggrieved tone in her voice. My daughter had an increasingly independent streak. Sometimes I joked Brittney was nine going on twenty-nine.

After picking up the children at school, I began preparing for my first date as a woman. I still couldn't believe what I was doing but the children were so excited for me. I was glad for this, it helped relieve my nervousness. Brittney had been a big help in my preparing for the night out.

For my first date I was wearing a pink blouse and white skirt. In addition black two inch heels were on my feet.

Then the door bell rang. "That's him. I got to get going. You two be good while I'm gone."

"We will, Mommy." Adam told me as we all hurried to the front door.

"This is so cool, Mom. You're going out on a date with a man." Brittney told me as we got to the front door. Then I gave my children one last reminder.

"Never tell Tony I used to be your father."

"Yes, Mom." Brittney replied.

"Yes, Mom." Adam said chiming in.

"How do I look?

"Awesome." Brittney told me. Adam gave me a big thumbs up. This done I unlocked the front door and then opened it.

"Hello, Jeoun," Tony said as he stepped in the front foyer. He bent down and kissed me on the forehead. "How are you today?"

"Good, Tony," I said. "Yourself?"

"I'm fine, can't complain."

"These are my children, Brittney and Adam."

"Hello, Brittney. Hello, Adam."

"Hi." Brittney and Adam answered. I then gave the children and Jessica a few last-minute instructions. Two minutes later I was leaving the house with Tony.

"Rush Hour2 all right with you?" Tony asked as we were pulling out of the driveway. The movie we had chosen to see was the most recent Jackie Chan movie.

"It's fine with me."

"Are you nervous tonight?"

"How did you know?" I asked.

"Instinct." Tony said with a chuckle. "The first date is the toughest; it was for me after Lena died. I went out with Wendy exactly twice that's all. We weren't really compatible."

"Oh. I haven't been on a date since Jack died."

"Yeah it's tough when you have children. I travel for work so when home I like to be with Michelle as much as I can."

"That's understandable."

"You got cute kids by the way."

"Thanks," I said. A mother always liked being complimented on or about her children. "Brittney helped me get ready for tonight."

"See, they want their mother to be happy and have a good time."

"Yes, they do. How is Michelle?"

"Good, she is home with her grandparents. Next Thursday is Michelle's second birthday. You're all invited to it. The party will be at my parents."

Tony then filled in a few details about the party. It would begin at 5:30 p.m.

"About Thursday, I'll be acting in an episode of Stargate next week. I can't guarantee being at the party. If I can make it, we'll all come."

Tony understood. "That's all right, Jeoun, I totally forgot about that."

"I'll get Michelle a gift if we can't make it." I told Tony. He said that was up to me.

When we got to the theater Tony parked the car and then came around to open the door for me. We walked hand in hand to the theater.

That night Toni and I shared a Pepsi and a box of popcorn as we watched the Jackie Chan action movie. For most of the film, Tony had his right arm wrapped around me as we sat in the crowded theater. It was a very pleasant night out for the two of us and I found myself enjoying some rare adult company.

Rush Hour 2 was not a long film, so we exited the theater with the night still young. "How did you like the movie?"

"It was good but dumb." I told Tony as we walked out of the theater holding each other's hand.

"Yep, that's about what I thought of it too."

"So who do you think is prettier? Me or Zhang Ziyi?"

Tony chuckled. "You win hands down. So what would you like to do, China Doll?"

I was so giddy right then I didn't tell Tony that I was Korean not Chinese. Did it make any difference? Not in the least. "I don't know."

"We can get an ice cream if you want." Tony said as we reached his car. He opened the door again for me.

I waited till Tony was in the car before answering. "I got ice cream at home. Strawberry, Vanilla and Chocolate. We could watch some television if you want."

"Sounds good to me." Tony then started up the car for the ride home.

Once back home I dismissed the baby sitter and went to check on the children. Both Adam and Brittney were sound asleep. Next stop was the kitchen to get ice cream for me and my date.

"You have a very nice house." Tony told me as I brought him his bowl of chocolate ice cream. I preferred a bowl of strawberry myself.

"Thank you." I told Tony before sitting down next to him. "The children are sound asleep."

"That's good. Had a good time tonight?"

"Very. What do you want to watch?"

"Any thing you want is fine with me." Tony told me. I then turned on the television. Decent programming was pretty slim that night; we ended up settling on the end of a Dodger baseball game.

We didn't pay all that much attention to the television. Instead Tony and I talked about each other's lives as we ate our desserts. I really learned a great deal about my date that night.

"I start flying again on Sunday."

9-11 was fresh in people's memories and was a frequent source of conversation any where I went. "Do you think it will be safe by then?"

"From what I hear they are doing, it will be."

"I don't think people will look at or think of air travel the same way after what happened."

Tony nodded. "You're probably right. United took a big hit the other day. We lost two planes, I know people who knew members of both crews. The pilot of 173 that went down in Pennsylvania I knew slightly. He used to work training 737 crews."

"I'm sorry."

"It's all right, China Doll."

"Want any more Ice cream?"

"No thank you, I'm full." I took both our bowls and put them in the kitchen sink and then returned to the living room. On my return I kidded Tony about his nickname for me.

"Tony, I'm Korean, not Chinese."

"Oops my fault." Tony said with a grin.

"I like your pet name for me. Call me China Doll if you want."

"All right, China Doll." Tony said with a grin. We then went back to talking. Tony told me about his childhood first on Long Island and then in California. I found it interesting but I wished I could share my own life not one made up for me.

Tony did ask some questions and I gave him my cover story. He never once questioned its validity.

"Are you Catholic by the way?" Tony asked. Up to then we hadn't discussed religion. I had guessed Tony would also most likely be Roman Catholic.

"Yes I am. How did you know?"

"I noticed a rosary on your night stand when I went to use the bathroom before." Tony explained to me.

"You're very observant." I told Tony with a smile.

"Are many South Koreans Catholic?"

"Some of us, one or two million I think. We're actually about fifty-fifty Buddhist to Christian. There are many Protestants, Presbyterians and Methodists."

"I didn't know that.

"Many of us are evangelicals."

Tony nodded. "I seem to remember reading or hearing about a Reverend Moon a long time ago."

"My mother was very devout," I told Tony. This was very true about Jack McGee's mother. "Where ever we lived Mom made sure we always went to mass."

"That must have been exciting growing up in different countries."

"Yes, it was. I was a tomboy when I was young."

Tony chuckled. "You a tomboy? You're much too pretty looking to be one."

I laughed at Tony's remark. "I was a Daddy's girl and kind of liked sports."

"Oh which ones?"

"I like Baseball, even football."

"Football?" Tony asked more than a little surprised by that answer.

"I learned about the sport when married to Jack."

"Gotcha now. You don't play golf? I know there are a lot of lady golfers from South Korea. "

"No, I don't play golf," I said as we sat together. Most of the time he had his right arm gently around my shoulders. Sometimes he would kiss me on the cheek or forehead. He took a moment now to do just that. The funny thing is I liked this attention, "Basketball is my favorite but I think I told you that the other night."

Tony chuckled. "Yes, I seem to recall you did. Maybe we can go to a Laker or Clipper game some time."

"I'd like that."

"My parents say hello by the way."

"Tell them hello for me too," I said. Then I asked. "Your Mom wasn't upset over last Wednesday?"

"No, not at all. I told Mom how you felt."

"What did she say?"

Tony chuckled. "She told me to not push you so fast and to be patient with you. That you and the children were welcome any time you're ready."

I immediately laughed. "You know, I like your mother already."

Tony pointed to a picture on the coffee table. "That's a pretty wedding photo of you and Jack."

"Thank you, I was much chubbier then," I said to Tony. My guest was referring to a photo made for me by the agency as part of my cover.

With the use of some excellent photo shop software, the agency modified a photo of my ex-wife Linda and I into one of me and Jack McGee. The photo showed me to be heavier than I was today, since Linda wasn't all that skinny even back in 1992. We were, however, almost the same height after using the box.

"If it means anything, I think you're prettier today than you were then. Not just because of your weight loss either."

"Thanks."

"What happened to Jack?"

I would have to tell 'Jack's story' sooner or later to Tony. "Jack died one night almost four years ago today. On the way home from a night out with some friends of his, someone crashed into Jack's car."

Tony listened attentively as I recalled my cover story. The children and I didn't know what happened till early the next morning. Jack, if he came home late at night, would sleep on the couch so not to disturb me.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's all right."

"What happened to your parents?" On the same table my 'wedding photo' was on, there was another framed picture. One of a man and his wife in their mid to late thirties standing behind their 10-year-old daughter. This snapshot was supposed to be of me, Jeoun Cheung, with my parents.

Again I had to fall back on my cover story. "Dad used to smoke. He came down with lung cancer in 1998, Dad died a year later. Mom died a year after that, she was heartbroken over Dad's death."

"That's terrible. How old were they?"

"Dad was 60, Mom 57."

Tony and I talked or watched television till about 11:45 that evening. We continued to sit close to one another on the couch. I really appreciated having some adult company for a change. Even male company. Tony was a very sweet person and I enjoyed having him as a friend.

"It's getting late," Tony said as he rose from the couch. I got up also. "I better get heading back to Newport Beach and let you get some sleep."

"Thanks, Tony, for taking me out."

Tony paused for a second by my home's front door. "Would you like to go to dinner tomorrow night? My idea is we, and that includes the children, go to vigil mass. Afterwards we'll go to Pizza Hut for dinner."

"Sure, I'd like that," I said after only a few seconds thought.

He smiled, "Vigil mass at St. Pius is 5:15 p.m. There is a Pizza Hut about ten minutes away. Do you know where the church is?"

Tony nodded. St. Pius Catholic church and school was on one of Buena Park's main thoroughfares, Orangethrope Blvd. "Sure do. Sounds like we have a plan then. Michelle and I will meet you at the church. Say five o'clock?"

"That's fine."

All while talking by the front door Tony and I had been inching slowly closer to one another. Then it happened. Tony's face leaned down toward my own while I stretched upward in reply. We then began to kiss as Tony and I enveloped each other in our arms.

I think we kissed for a minute but it seemed a lot longer. Kissing a man was no different now that I was a woman, except for the facial hair of Tony's kept brushing against my smooth skin. I liked this show of affection from my boyfriend.

Now I had a boyfriend. This was a long way however from things that I was still in conflict over. Whether one day I wanted to be someone's wife and be a biological mother to a child. That decision would wait for another day.

Right before our kiss ended I swore I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye. Then the kiss ended.

"You're an incredible and beautiful woman, Jeoun Cheung." Tony said as he hugged me in his arms.

"You're not so bad yourself, Anthony Pastorelli." I said before Tony and I shared another kiss but a much briefer one. I felt so good in this man's arms. After one more kiss Tony and I said goodbye and I then let him out of my house.

After locking the front door, I made my way back to the kitchen. My head was spinning from the evening; I had such a good time. I was about to put away the ice cream bowls when I noticed a bedroom door was open.

"Young lady." I called out and then my daughter Brittney stepped out of her bedroom doorway.

"Yes, Mom?"

I now knew what the movement was earlier when Tony and I were kissing. Right then I was in too good a mood to be angry about Brittney's intrusion on my privacy. In any case, I should have been prepared for it. It was I who had invited Tony over to the house after all. "Go to bed, Brittney. We'll talk in the morning."

"Yes, Mom." Brittney told me. Before going back in her room, my daughter smiled and gave me a thumbs up. A few moments later a clock in the house chimed signaling to me it was midnight. Friday September 14th was over. It had been a very nice day.

"Mom, I see Tony." Adam told me as we plus Brittney walked towards St. Pius V Catholic Church. It was 5:05 that Saturday afternoon and I had just parked our car.

"I see him, Adam." Right then I could see Tony waving at us. He was wearing a white shirt and red tie plus blue pants. His daughter Michelle looked every bit as adorable as her photos. She was wearing a pink dress with white flowers on it.

Brittney then chimed in. "Tony is handsome, Mom."

My children were excited for me to be seeing Tony and I was happy for that. I planned on going slow. There were still my issues that needed being dealt with.

"Hey, China Doll," Tony said to me as I allowed him to kiss me on the cheek. "How are you?"

"Good. Sorry we're a little late."

"No problem." Tony answered back.

"Hi, Uncle Tony." Adam told my boyfriend and then Brittney also greeted Tony. I was a little surprised by the use of the word Uncle.

"Hey, kids." Tony said.

"Looks like we're already a family," I told Tony who then chuckled. Then I bent down and tried speaking to Michelle. The girl was clinging tightly to her father's right hand and leg. As if she wanted to hide or was scared.

"Hi, Michelle, my name is Jeoun."

Michelle just stared at me without saying a word. Her father then spoke up. "Michelle, say hi to Jeoun."

"Say hi to me." I said trying to coax something out of the shy little girl. Michelle just stared back at me.

"She's a little shy." Tony told me and I said that was understandable. "Want to go inside now?"

"Yes, let's go."

Mass was over about 6:20 and with Tony following me in his car, I drove Adam, Brittney and myself over to Pizza Hut. After a fifteen minute wait, all five of us were finally seated at a table.

The first topic of discussion was what everyone wanted for dinner. It was not a surprise when Adam and Brittney said pizza.

"I'll have pizza too." Tony said closing his menu.

"I may get spaghetti myself," I said while still looking at the menu. "We just had pizza the other night."

Tony chuckled. "You got to come over and taste my mother's cooking sometime. She makes the best sauce you will ever taste."

"Really?" I half asked. Not wanting to be a party pooper, I went ahead with the majority. "Some day I'll have to come over and see how good it is. I'll have pizza too."

The restaurant was busy that night, so the waitress didn't come right away for our food orders. She did bring our drinks, PepsiCola for everyone there. The only difference being mine was a Diet.

I raised my glass. "To all of us."

"To Mom and Tony." Brittney said which caused both Tony and I to laugh.

Then it was Tony's turn. "Here's how we lost the farm."

We all started talking. Tonight wasn't a date in the traditional sense, but it was nice having Tony around and being near him. He and the children were hitting it off right away. That definitely warmed my heart.

Michelle was seated in a booster seat straight across from me. She was very animated with her father but remained quiet towards everyone else.

Tony and Adam were talking baseball when Michelle pointed to her father. "Da."

"I see she knows the most important word."

Tony laughed as he returned a hug from his daughter. You could tell how much he loved Michelle and vice versa. "Michelle sure does. She keeps learning new words all the time."

"She's a bright girl," Then I began talking to Michelle again. "Say hi to Jeoun. Say hi."

I kept repeating that and then Michelle blurted out. "Ma."

That caused all of us to start laughing. When things were back under control Tony explained. "She calls her Grandma, one Aunt and a baby sitter that."

"I got lots of company then." I said. Michelle was a precious girl. Could I have a child like that of my own one day? The better question was probably did I want a child like Michelle?

We all continued talking. School, airplanes, my acting, sports just some of the topics discussed. It was all pretty much a free for all even after dinner came. Tony would be flying the next day to Denver and then on to Minneapolis.

"So you will be back Wednesday?" I asked after swallowing some of my pizza.

"Probably but schedules are kind of crazy right now. Things are a mess because of what happened on Tuesday."

"I guess they would be."

Brittney then spoke up. "Do you ever fly to Florida, Uncle Tony?"

"Sometimes. Why you'd like to go there?"

"Yes," Brittney said as she nodded her head.

"One day we'll go there again," I told Brittney then said to Tony. "All of us went there a few years ago and we all liked it."

"I don't blame her. It's a great place. I got an Aunt and Uncle down in St. Cloud. That's about a half hour from Disney World." Tony explained.

"You see them very often?"

"Occasionally. Uncle Paul used to drive a bread truck. He and Aunt Rita spend much of the summer driving around the country visiting their kids."

"Do they ever come out here?"

Tony nodded his head while swallowing the pizza he had just taken a bite of. "They were here in July for a while."

"You got lots of Aunts, Uncles and Cousins I guess?"

"Sure do, most are in New York, New Jersey or in that general area. So are you nervous or excited about the show you're taping this week?"

"A little nervous but not too bad."

"I think that would be normal. When did you start acting?" Tony asked out of curiosity.

"My first role was only last September."

"Wow. You did a lot in just a short time then." Tony said as he fed Michelle some pizza. We had gotten two pizzas, one that was half cheese and half pepperoni. The second had everything on it.

"It's really not much."

"You're modest," Tony said with a smile. "What made you take up acting? You were teaching math at a school before that weren't you?"

"Yes I was. Some of my friends talked me into auditioning for a role." I explained to Tony the story of the year before. "I got good reviews for my first performance. That led to my getting the lead in The Good Wife. Things have kind of snowballed after that."

"I would say so. You almost got cast for Enterprise. Then you did appearances on West Wing and ER, next Stargate. Sounds very impressive to me."

I remained modest but Brittney then added. "Mom is going to do a movie with Steven Segal."

"Really?"

"I read for the lead female role, and I was cast but the movie is sort of stuck in limbo." I explained to Tony. "Some kind of legal problems popped up. That's caused shooting to be postponed."

"Oh I'm sorry."

"Our Mom is a big star." Adam added.

I laughed. "They are my fan club. All two members of it."

Tony chuckled. "Make that four now."

I was beginning to sip on my Pepsi when Adam said. "Mom used to be our Dad even." That caused me to immediately start gagging on my drink.

"Oh." Tony said raising an eyebrow.

Adam rectified his mistake. Because right after he said it Brittney had almost punched her little brother. "I mean on a cartoon."

"I think Adam watched some anime where a man became a woman." I said.

"Yes, that's what we watched." Brittney said. "Our Dad died."

"I got it now and I'm sorry." Tony said somberly. Apparently he believed our little story. "It must be a lot different. I mean between working on television and in the theater."

"Yes, it is. I prefer the theater myself. It's more personal, your audience is there watching."

"Makes sense to me." Tony said before taking a sip of Pepsi. "You really are an incredible woman, Jeoun Cheung."

We all bent back to talking other subjects. Tony even mentioned something about us all going to an Angel baseball game before the season ended.

It was a really nice evening but as the saying goes all good things have to come to an end. After settling our bill and putting the leftover pizza in a box, all five of us left the restaurant.

On the way to our cars Michelle held my hand and jabbered away in toddlerese. Apparently I had a new friend.

Tony began saying goodbye to Brittney and Adam while I helped put Michelle in her car seat. The girl was starting to yawn and was apparently tired and ready for bed. When I was done it was now my and Tony's turn.

"Have a good time?" Tony asked.

"Absolutely, you keep in touch won't you?"

Tony smiled. "I will. I'll try calling on Monday. That day I'm spending the night in Phoenix."

"That isn't too bad. I'll be waiting." Then Tony and I embraced again and began to kiss. A moment later I could hear cheering from Adam and Brittney.

When we came up for air Tony was chuckling. "We have a cheering section."

Tony and I shared one more kiss. As I drove home I contemplated how interesting my life had become of late and wondered if it would continue that way in the days ahead.

September 24, 2001

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dr. Mandel,

Greetings from California. I hope all is well for you, the doctor and your children.

A great many things have been happening in my life. 9-11 was just such a shock. I can't believe there are people that cold-blooded to kill civilians. Do they really think they are going to Allah for killing innocent children? I just shake my head at all of it.

This war on terror could be a massive undertaking. Is this nation prepared for it? Because we're going to be fighting these lunatics and fanatics for years all over the world. It's going to take a lot of determination, and I wonder if our politicians have the willpower for this battle. Our military being so down-sized in the mid-nineties is coming back to haunt us. We should never be so complacent again.

I have been thinking a great deal of my former comrades in the Army. All of them are going to be making sacrifices in the days ahead to serve our country. Some will pay the ultimate price. That makes me feel more than a little guilty since I won't be serving with them. Once a West Point cadet, always a Cadet. Duty, Honor, Country as we say. I can't help feeling I should be there with them. Guess I will just have to cope. My life won't ever be what I set out to be when I graduated the Academy.

Thanks for emailing me right after 9-11 happened. I just wanted to be sure all of you are well.

My acting continues to keep me busy. I've filmed West Wing, ER, and Stargate SG One episodes since mid-August. Here are the air dates for the episodes I'll appear in.

West Wing- October 17th
ER- November 1st
Stargate- November 23rd

I may be acting a Friends or Judging Amy episode or both soon. There is a possibility of my working on the soap opera Santa Barbara. So I'm keeping busy. Rehearsals for the next play I'm doing start in three weeks.

The Steven Segal picture is still on hold. I've stopped asking about it, if it comes about fine. Otherwise don't call us, we'll call you still applies. Note most of these television roles are small with the exception of the Stargate episode. There still isn't a big demand for Asian-American actresses. I have to live with that; after all, I set out on this career knowing some of the hurdles I'd face.

I told you all about Tony in an earlier email. Everything I wrote then still applies. I enjoy the companionship, but dating from the other side of the gender fence takes some getting used to. Tony being a very nice guy, and the encouragement from Brittany and Adam makes it easier for me.

Michelle Pastorelli is a precious little child. She is talking but is mostly impossible to understand. Michelle speaks in that tongue that only toddlers know. She called me ‘ma' a few times but Michelle does that with almost all adult women including her grandmother and one Aunt, who were at the party.

My first meeting with Tony's parents went well. I have been invited back to the Pastorellis for dinner at another time. The birthday party was the focus for the day I visited there. Tony's parents, I'm sure, want to learn more about my life and get to know me better.

Tomorrow we're taking Adam and Brittney to an Anaheim Angels game. Baseball season is almost over and Tony shares Adam's interest in the sport.

How do I feel about all of this and how am I dealing with this new aspect of my life? I like Tony; he is very kind and sweet. We have had fun together, and I admit I find him a handsome man.

It's four years now since what happened. Why do I continue to feel like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body still? Shouldn't I be over this by now or will I always be like this?

I admit I've grown to enjoy much of my life. The best part is being a mother to Adam and Brittney. I love my children more than any words could do justice to. They are my inspiration and my light. I protect them, feed them, clothe them, and educate them. Adam and Brittney are bright and wonderful children that I take great pride in being their mother.

What else do I like? The clothes for sure. I like wearing pretty outfits and take pride in what I wear. Just look at my closet full of clothes. I'm no Kmart shopper any more. Just let me loose in Penney's or Bloomingdales with a charge card. Skirts and dresses don't bother me in the least more. My closet is full of these clothes, plus shoes and handbags.

I take pride in my physical looks. My ability to turn heads of many men because of my looks. I seem to have that power over all races too, not just Asian or Korean men. In the beginning I felt like a piece of meat in this regard, not anymore. Every day I try to make myself look as attractive as possible.

Being female doesn't stop me from enjoying sports or any of my hobbies. I can fish, play chess, be a football and basketball fan. None of that's changed.

What don't I like? My four day monthly visit from Aunt Flo for sure. Not enough commodes for women at public events. Gee do I ever miss being able to do it standing up sometimes. That said, I'm not stuck up any more on my lack of a penis.

If P called me today and said "Jeoun we can change you back right now." I don't think I'd take up the offer. Look at who I am now, a successful mother/Soccer Mom/Peewee Football Mom and actress. Why would I want to give all that up?

So why am I so hung up on dating Tony?

Jack McGee just may not be dead yet. I can't shake the prejudice I had against being with a man or I'm having difficulty doing it. Right now I should be able to put this in the past, and see that I have needs instead. Physically I am very attracted to Tony. Why can't I just live with the mental aspect?

All that said I am in conflict. Because dating a man is one more attack on the last bastion of my male life. I had avoided dating for four years, because a part of me still thinks like a man. Before I became a woman, I'd never wanted to be with a guy ever. Now that I have this body and it's bisexual in nature. I have the hardest time reconciling my mind with my body.

Tony is giving me time and space and I appreciate that. Why is he doing this? He thinks I'm a widow like him. I told Tony my cover, that Jack died and that I am an Adoptive Mom to Adam and Brittney. My boyfriend has bought it without question. He thinks I am having difficulty because I still love Jack, like he loves Lena. From what I hear many, if not most, widows or widowers have some degree of difficulty in letting go of their late spouse.

I feel ashamed about not being truthful to Tony. For almost four years I have been living this cover the people I once worked for gave me. I'm grateful for everything that was done. I've built a life, and without the start people like yourself and others gave me I probably wouldn't be living the life I am now.

But do I have to continue to lie to Tony? Or should I come out and tell him? It's not like I'm telling the whole world what happened back in September 1997. I guess there are reasons the government wants to keep these machines existence a secret. Honestly, I'm a coward. I fear the reaction people would have if the truth was known.

Brittney had great fun in helping me prepare for my dates with Tony. She's nine years old and Brittney is advising me on what clothes to wear, how to do my makeup, how to wear my hair, what jewelry to wear, etc etc. Maybe I should correct that, Brittney is nine going on twenty-nine. I was grateful for the help and my children's enthusiasm for my dating and their liking Tony makes it so much more comfortable for me to pursue a friendship with this man.

I've said it many times, if I were ever to settle down with a man or a woman, that person would have to love my children as their own. Brittney and Adam are the center of my life; their needs come before mine always. I think Tony can be the type of person to do this but neither of us are at the stage of going into a deeper relationship or marriage.

At this point I like Tony's friendship. He is filling my need for adult companionship. We'll just have to see where it goes from here. Like you say I have to face up to and make decisions about my life.

Please write back when you have time. Give my love to Avram.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

"So do you have a recipe for this?" I asked Tony's mother. It was October 5th and I along with Adam and Brittney were over at the Pastorelli house for dinner. At the moment I was in the kitchen with Tony's Mom as she prepared dinner for us.

"No, Jeoun, I go by instinct. A little of this, a little of that"

"Tony says you make the best sauce." I said as I looked down into the pot. The spaghetti sauce did smell delicious.

The kitchen window was nearby. It looked out on the back yard. If one stood close enough to the window one would have seen Tony, Brittney and Adam playing basketball or shooting hoops. From the noise they were making I could tell my children were having a good time with their ‘Uncle' Tony.

The Pastorellis had invited us a week earlier to come over to their home today. Not just to have dinner but also to come early also. Mrs. Pastorelli thought the children might like using their swimming pool. Having declined the first offer of hospitality from Tony's parents, I accepted the second.

Arriving just before noon, Adam, Brittney and I had Barbecued hot dogs for lunch as we got to meet and know Tony's parents. A half hour after they finished eating, my children went back in the house to change into their swim gear.

Tony's parents made me feel welcome from the moment I arrived at the house. Now with the children gone, they began to ask me some questions to get to know me better.

"You're Korean?" Tony's Mom asked.

"Yes, South Korean. I was born in Inchon."

Tony's father perked up slightly. "I fought in the Korean war back in 52-53"

"Really?"

Tony's father nodded. "I served with the Second infantry Division. People were friendly back then but very poor. I guess times have changed."

"Yes, they have."

"I remember the pictures on television when the Olympics were there. It looked like such a beautiful country." Mama remarked.

"How do you say your last name again?" Tony's father asked.

"Chung, like Connie Chung," I explained. "But the spelling is a little different. It's C-H-E-U-N-G."

Adam and Brittney returned and were now wearing their bathing suits. I cautioned Adam to put his ear plugs in before entering. Then my children ran over and jumped in the pool.

Tony then said to me. "You should join them and take a swim later."

Then I whispered back in Tony's ear. "I know what you want. You want to see me wearing a bikini."

Tony chuckled before whispering back. "No doubt, that would be the highlight of my day."

"When did you first come to the states?"

"In 1989. I came here to study at Washington State University. I have a Master's degree in Mathematics."

"That's interesting." Tony's father said.

"I met my husband, Tony, or I mean Jack while I was studying here. We got married in 1995. I'm a naturalized US citizen." My little goof caused Tony to laugh quite loudly.

"Adam and Brittney are your step-children then?" Mrs. Pastorelli asked.

"Yes but adoptive, not step. From my Jack's first marriage."

"Does their other mother ever see them or anything?" Mom asked.

"No, Linda doesn't. She hasn't seen them since a few months after the funeral."

Mrs. Pastorelli shook her head as if she couldn't understand how any mother could abandon her own offspring. "Adam and Brittney are most fortunate to have you then. I can see how much you all love one another."

"Thank you. I'm truly blessed by Adam and Brittney."

"She, I mean the children's biological mother never contacts the children?" Tony's father asked as he disbelieved a Mother could do this also.

"Sometimes they get a birthday or Christmas card."

My boyfriend just patted my hand as his parents changed subjects. The topic quickly changed to other things. My work as a math teacher, raising the children, and lastly my acting career.

I remained modest about my acting career. "It won't ever make me a star, but it does pay the bills."

Sometimes we talked about Tony instead. Usually about him growing up as a boy. I heard a few amusing stories, Tony was soon embarrassed by a few of the things his Mom was saying.

It was a nice afternoon and I think I made a good impression on the Pastorellis. I had one last thing to say. "I'm glad I met your son. Tony has made me feel special again. You should be proud of your son"

That brought a smile to Mom and Dad's faces. Tony then bent over to give me a kiss.

"Wanna join the kids in the pool now?" I asked Tony.

"Absolutely." Tony said. Then my boyfriend, Michelle and I excused ourselves and went back into the house.

I had come prepared that day. Two bags were packed in the trunk of my car, and I went and retrieved one of them. When I was back in the house, Tony showed me to a spare bedroom. There I changed into the bikini I had brought. Like all such bathing suits it was revealing but mine wasn't too much so.

When I exited the bedroom, I found Tony and Michelle waiting for me. His eyes literally popped out of his head. "China Doll, you're really beautiful."

"Thanks. You don't look too bad yourself." I told Tony. He looked so manly in his swim trunks that I began to get aroused. "Your parents won't say anything about me wearing this?"

Tony shook his head. "No, they won't."

"Ma." Michelle blurted out to me. The girl really did call any adult woman ‘ma'. Michelle had called her grandmother by the same name earlier. I guess I had good company.

Tony chuckled. "See. I think Michelle approves of your swim suit too. After sharing a kiss with Tony in the upstairs hallway we all went straight downstairs.

Before going outside I asked Tony about how I was doing with his parents. "They like you, Jeoun."

"I was worried about making a good impression."

Tony then gave me a kiss. "You did great. Mom wants to teach you later how to cook Italian food. Are you excited about the game tonight?"

We had tickets for a San Diego State-Air Force college football game that evening in San Diego. That was one of the reasons the children and I had come over so early. Tony and I would be leaving for the game around 6 p.m.

"Yes, very much. I haven't been to a game since college."

Once outside the house, Tony and I joined the children in the pool. It was a beautiful California afternoon. Not just because of the weather, but the company I had also. Tony was proving to be a good friend to both me and the children.

I didn't spend long in the pool. Rather I laid on a beach chair intending to soak up some of the California sun in order to improve my tan. Inside the pool Tony and the children continued to have a good time.

The next thing I remember was Tony shaking me. I must have fallen asleep. "You're out of the pool."

Tony smiled at me. "I thought I'd take a break."

I then took a moment to stretch my arms. That's when I noticed something about Tony. The bulge that was in his swim trunks. There had been only a few rare moments since I became a woman when I paid attention to this part of any man's anatomy. This was one of them. "The children were having such a good time with you. They really like their Uncle Tony."

Tony chuckled as he sat himself down in a beach chair next to me. "I like them too. I just needed to take a break."

Eventually we all had to quit the pool/sunbathing and go back in the house. Since Tony and I were going to the football game, dinner would be early that evening. To simplify things also, Adam and Brittney plus I would stay at the Pastorelli home. Mom and Dad would watch the children while Tony and I attended the game. I'd be sharing a bedroom that night with Brittney.

As dinner approached I offered my assistance to Mrs. Pastorelli, but she declined, saying I was their guest. As the smell of her cooking spaghetti sauce filled the house, Mom ushered me out of the kitchen. So I either talked with Tony or watched/played with the children, Michelle included, till it was nearly dinner time.

Dinner was only ten or fifteen minutes away when I returned to the kitchen. By then my presence in the kitchen was welcome. Mom was even taking time to tell me about her special recipe.

"Take a taste, dear" Mom told me. Using the cooking ladle I removed a small amount of sauce from the pot and went ahead and tasted it.

"Tony wasn't lying. This really tastes good."

Mrs. Pastorelli beamed at my compliment. "Thank you. Dinner will be soon, why don't you go outside and tell Tony and the children."

I was about to do just that when Michelle entered the kitchen. The two-year-old was carrying a Bugs Bunny doll.

"Oh. Who's that you have?" I asked Michelle.

"Bah."

"Is Bugs your favorite? He was mine when I was little."

Michelle talked back to me in that untranslatable language toddlers used. The girl was no longer shy with me. I had made a new friend.

Taking Michelle's hand, I told her. "Let's go find your Daddy."

The moment I opened the back door, Michelle ran out in the direction of her father. There she was met with a kiss and hug from her father before he lifted Michelle up into his arms so to carry her.

"How's my big girl?" Tony asked me before giving me a small kiss.

"Good. Mom told me to tell all of you dinner is almost ready," I said to Tony and then called to Brittney and Adam. "Come on, children. It's time for dinner."

We all went inside and ate dinner. The meal was delicious, particularly Mom's spaghetti sauce. I made a vow during the meal to watch Mrs. Pastorelli some time while she was preparing her specialty. I wanted to learn the recipe for my own use.

One interesting thing happened near the end of the meal. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or faint after Adam told Mrs. Pastorelli what he thought of the meal.

"Grandma, you make the best meatballs."

Tony chuckled as he whispered in my ear. "I think Adam is gunning to get some toys before going home with his Mom tomorrow." The Pastorellis indeed seemed to like Brittney and Adam.

After the meal was over, Tony and I excused ourselves so to get ready for the game. While my boyfriend took a quick shower and changed clothes, I just checked my appearance and waited for Tony to finish. For tonight's game I'd wear a San Diego State T-shirt Tony bought for me plus pants.

"You're all set?" Tony asked me as he came downstairs.

"Yes, I am."

"Let's go say goodbye and then we'll go." Taking each other's hands, we went back to the kitchen.

November 12th, 2001

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dear Doctor,

Enclosed are some recent photos taken of me and the children. There are ones of me with Tony and Michelle too. I hope you like them and do feel free to show them to your husband.

I guess a lot is happening in my life right now. Professionally I'm rehearsing for my next theater show. We start performing the first week in January and the show will run till April.

The children are doing well. Brittney is thinking about following in my steps. She is taking singing and dancing lessons at the moment. Another thing is Brittney told me there was this cute boy in school she talks to at lunch time. Cute? Brittney is nine! Do children grow up fast or what? I don't know if this is just a one-time anomaly. I certainly hope so or I'll have to have that motherly talk with my daughter.

Adam has begun playing on a pee wee football team. Seven and eight year olds playing football can be best compared to the Keystone cops. Adam likes it and I enjoy taking him to the games.

You're probably waiting for me to mention Tony. So here we go. Tony and I continue to see one another. I've been to his parent's home. They were very kind and made me feel very welcome. In addition to that, we've been to two San Diego State football games; gone to the movies, been to mass together and sometimes just did family things with the children. Next time Tony is off on a weekend, we'll take the children to Disney Land.

Most of the time I enjoy the love and attention I get from Tony. He is so sweet; I got roses the other day. Why? He just wanted to send them. No reason at all except Tony loves me. The Jeoun Cheung side of me craves this. Then the Jack McGee side wants to vomit. Am I bi-polar or have a split personality?

I guess I have to reconcile this part of me. I better do it soon. Tony is in love with me. One day he may even propose. Right now I don't know what the answer would be. Am I too afraid to be a wife to someone?

Thank you Doctor for listening. Please write back at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

January 15, 2002

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dr. Mandel,

I hope you, your husband and the children had a Happy Hanukkah and are doing well in 2002.

My latest show, Songs from My Heart, opened last Friday. The theater was packed for each performance and the reviews I received were excellent.

I'm starting to question if acting is still right for me. When I started this it was meant to be a lark. I've enjoyed the success I've had but there's a lot of uncertainty in this profession. Mostly because there isn't a big demand for actresses like myself. The work I get outside of the theater tends to be caricatures. Maybe I'm just down now, but I been giving thought to being a teacher again. Time will have to tell I guess.

Tony's parents are going to take a vacation for ten days beginning the Sunday after next. I'm going to take Michelle in for Tony while they're gone. She is a precious girl and I don't mind doing this at all.

Adam and Brittney say hello. My boy got an award for best sportsman in his pee wee football league. I do try to impart to my son that how he plays the game is more important than winning. So far I've succeeded. I am very proud of Adam.

How are Tony and I doing? We may have slowed down a little. Yes, we're still seeing one another but Tony had great difficulty around the Christmas holidays. He still loves Lena very much, I can tell. I think he feels it is a betrayal of his wife for him to be dating me.

I was patient with Tony and everything. But other than chatting on the phone every second or third day, we didn't see each other for almost two weeks at one point. I'm still dealing with the issues I told you in my previous letters, so I don't mind the slowdown. Tony has perked up a bit since New Year's.

We still have so much to sort out emotionally. At least Tony and I have time to do this. That's all for now. Give my love to your husband and write back when you can.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

A March rehearsal of Songs from My Heart had just broken for lunch when my friend Cindy Tsu approached me. "Hey, Jeoun, flowers were just delivered to your dressing room."

"Thanks, Cindy." I said as I headed off to the dressing room. Before going to lunch I had to collect my purse.

As Cindy told me, a vase of a dozen red roses were in the room. My guess was these were from Tony. He was always so thoughtful and was known to surprise me with small unannounced gifts. I always thought surprises were the best gifts.

It was when I opened the envelope that came with the flowers that I learned it wasn't a gift from Tony. In the envelope was one page of hotel stationary with a business card attached.

Miss Cheung,

My name is Kim Nam-Joon and I'm a South Korean television Producer. I'd be interested in speaking to you about doing some television work in Seoul. We can talk about it over lunch at your earliest convenience.

Enclosed is my business card and on the back is both my hotel and cell phone numbers. Either you or your agent may contact me if you are interested. I will be in town for another ten days.

Cordially,

Kim Nam-Joon

Three days had passed before Mr. Kim and I met for lunch at the Chosun Galbi restaurant off Olympic Blvd in Los Angeles. The television producer was patiently waiting outside the establishment's door when I arrived at five minutes to twelve on that warm California March morning.

We were shown directly to a table in the back of the establishment. Mr. Kim ordered Soju to drink but I declined and ordered a Diet Pepsi instead.

"I've been in contact with Mr. Raisch your agent." Kim Nam-Joon said as soon as our lunch orders were placed. The entire conversation was done in Korean that day.

"Yes, I know. Regrettably I had to decline your initial offer. I have a son and daughter who are in school and only speak limited Korean."

The same day I got the card and flowers from Mr. Kim, my agent David Raisch had gotten a contract from the television production company my lunch companion represented. The South Korean Soap Opera Spring Day was interested in hiring me to be an actress on the show.

What was incredibly ironic was this was the favorite Soap Opera of my ex-wife Linda and the one my double Song Lee Oh starred on. I had been offered the role of playing Ms. Oh's sister on the show.

I learned from my agent that another South Korean television personality had seen my performance in Songs from the Heart and had noticed the similarity between me and Ms. Oh. This person then spoke to the Producers of Spring Day. That's how I had come to their attention and they then sent Mr. Kim to make me this television offer.

Honestly I was flattered and amused too. The amusing part was what my ex-wife Linda would think if she ever heard I became on an actress on her favorite South Korean soap. And all thanks to her.

There were a couple of hitches to my taking the first offer made by Mr. Kim. The original contract offer would have employed me for six months. Like it was a trial phase to see if both the show's needs and my own were compatible.

My issue with this was in regards to Adam and Brittney. As I would learn from Mr. Kim, Spring Day's producers didn't know I was a single mother to two children. To do this six month contract, I'd have to move myself and Adam and Brittney to Seoul. In addition to disrupting my children's lives for such a short period of time, there was also the fact that neither Adam nor Brittney knew much Korean.

I suppose I could have put them in a school where they would have learned. Would it be worth the all these changes to their routine if I was only going to return to the States after a few months? As always Adam and Brittney's needs were what mattered most, so I declined the first offer.

Mr. Kim then took some papers out of a manila folder he had brought with him. "Ms. Cheung the people I represent are interested in hiring your services. This is our new offer. I think you will find it pleasing."

The television producer handed the contract across the table to me. The lighting in the Chosun Galbi restaurant was very dim. So I had to squint with my eyes to read the small print.

"I've also taken the opportunity to fax this to Mr. Raisch this morning." Mr. Kim told me.

"Thank you." I told the Producer. Then I got to the juicy parts of the contract. Almost at once I let out a low whistle

"You find it pleasing, yes?"

Pleasing wasn't the word I would have used then. I almost wished Tony or the children were there then so they could pinch me. The offer was that good and almost seemed like a dream.

For five weeks work I would make one hundred thousand US dollars. In addition all of my expenses, including travel, food and accommodations while I stayed in Seoul would be paid for by Spring Day's production company.

This deal included Brittney and Adam. They could come with me also and while I was shooting the show they would attend a camp near Inchon where non-Korean children and Korean boys and girls met. The shooting schedule for Spring Day coincided with Adam and Brittney's summer vacation. They would not have to miss any school.

"Yes, it's very pleasing."

"Good. So you will come to work on Spring Day?" Kim Nam-Joon asked me.

"I'm very interested," I said to Mr. Kim while still shocked by the offer I had gotten. "But I need to first have my agent read this offer plus I'd like to talk to my children and close friends about it before making a final decision."

Mr. Kim apparently was prepared for this response. "That is acceptable to my colleagues, Miss Cheung. If you wish to accept, please sign the contract and return it within fourteen days from tomorrow."

Satisfied for now with my answer, Mr. Kim began talking to me about my background. Where I had grown up, lived, and where I went to university. He made no verbal utterance of surprise when I told him of my college major. Mr. Kim's face did it all for him.

"I was married for two years. My husband was Jack McGee a US Army Captain." I told him as our lunch arrived.

After the waiter had left, Mr. Kim spoke again. "We did not know that at time of our first offer. We are sorry for your loss."

"Thank you."

"You have ROK passport?"

"Yes, I do," I said recalling one of the many things given to me by P and the bureau I once worked for. The passport was in an Anaheim safety deposit box and due to expire in one year's time. I had never till this date thought I'd have use for it. "I also have a US Passport, I am a naturalized citizen."

Mr. Kim nodded his head as if he understood. "You look most like our show star Miss Oh Song Lee."

"Really?" I asked as if I were dumb. "I never watch soap operas."

"Yes, you do. That reason we wish you to do our show. You will play her sister who was away." Mr. Kim explained to me.

Before lunch was over I was handed two Spring Day scripts. These were preliminary drafts for the first two episodes of Spring Day where I would be introduced to the show. My character's name was supposed to be Cho Kia.

Mr. Kim warned me that these were early script drafts and not definite. I was also allowed to bring this home plus some background material on the show. Shortly after 1:30 Mr. Kim and I went our separate ways but not before I promised to get back to Spring Day as soon as my decision was made.

The following night I had a date with Tony. Like our first time out we attended a movie before coming home to watch some television together.

"China Doll you should accept the offer." Tony told me as we watched the end of a LA King hockey game."

"I think so too," I told Tony before he kissed me. We were seated on the love seat in my living room. "This is just too good to pass up. The opportunity and the pay are both incredible."

"If I were in your shoes, I'd accept it in a heartbeat."

"Sure just so you can get out of my shoes!" I laughed before Tony then kissed me again.

"I love you, Jeoun Cheung. I'm going to miss you too.

"Love you too. It's only five weeks."

Tony nodded. "Adam and Brittney are both excited for it. They told me so earlier while you were in the bathroom before we left for the movies. You want to hear something?"

"Sure."

"I looked on the internet for that Spring Day show. There is a website but it was in Korean."

"Ok. Find something interesting?"

"Confusing may be more like it. I swore your photo was up on the website. It's another actress. Oh something."

"Song Lee Oh."

"Yes that's it. You two look like twins."

I came up with a good reply for Tony. "Yes, we are and I'm the evil one!"

Tony laughed his head off. "You evil? Never, but it's just interesting you two looking so much alike."

I then changed subjects. "Are you going to miss me while I'm gone?"

"Absolutely." My and Tony's lips then met and we began a long and passionate kiss.

The next Monday I signed the contract and then had my agent Fax one copy to Seoul and express mail the original to the Spring Day Production Company and KBS. Seoul South Korea here we come.

June 11, 2002

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dear Doctor,

I thought I'd write one last time before leaving for Seoul. While Brittney, Adam and I are living there I'll take some pictures with our digital camera and email them back to you. Look for something in a couple of weeks.

Right now I'm both excited and nervous. This is the biggest break or opportunity I've had to date in my acting career. I've done TV work but never been a part of the show's cast. This is going to be so different even if it's only for five weeks.

Then on the other hand I'm scared of being a total screw up when I get over there. Will they like me? How will I get along with the cast and production people? Will I remember my lines? My schedule while there is going to a frantic one. Will I crack because of the pressure? I'm just being a worry wart.

My character Kia on Spring Day is a doozy too. Kia is the one year younger sister of Soon Li the character played by Song Lee Oh. The storyline is our parents broke up when we were both little and Kia went to live with her father while Soon Li lived with her Mom who remarried. The two sisters haven't met in twenty years.

That's not all either. Kia is a real free spirit, motorcycles, tattoos, and suspected to be bisexual. I can relate to the last. This character is typical soap opera caricature but I am not complaining. The pay is good and at least I don't do my own stunt work. Nobody is getting me on a hog or to jump out of airplanes.

We're packed and ready to leave. Today is Adam and Brittney's last day of school. Our KAL flight leaves on the 13th at 1230 in the morning and arrives just past 5 p.m. the next day in Seoul. I don't report to the set till the 18th. So we all get three days to recover from any jet lag.

Brittney and Adam will be at this camp at Inchon while I work. They will do field trips and see a lot of Korea while I'm working. Most nights we'll all be home together but there are a few overnight trips for the kids. Adam and Brittney are looking forward to it, and it will be educational too.

Life with Tony is still good. He loves me very much and is liable to ask me one day to marry him. I love him back for the most part, but there's still a part of Jack McGee in me that wants to go screaming into the night at the idea of me becoming someone's wife. Why can't I get over my past? I better do it soon or tell Tony that I'm not interested in being Jeoun Pastorelli one day.

You won't believe the dream I had two nights ago. I was in the hospital maternity ward pregnant and only Tony was in the room. Babies kept popping out of me like I was some kind of cannon while Tony kept having to run to catch them. He did catch every one but I lost count how many came out. Weird dream, right?

Another thing is Michelle. She is becoming very close to me and I to her. Last week she stayed over my home while Tony worked and the Pastorellis went away for a few days. Every night Michelle prays before going to bed. She prays to baby Jesus, For Dad, For Mom, For Grandma, For Grandpa and so forth. I get in there too, she calls me Aunt Jul.

One night at the very end Michelle added. Baby Jesus I like a new Mommy. I have no doubt that was aimed at me. You know, I got to admit I love Michelle like she was my daughter. I'd love to be her Mommy. But then I'd have to be a wife too. Why am I so afraid?

Sorry for rambling. I have to make some more decisions. Give my love to your husband.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

Seoul Journal
By Jeoun Cheung

June 14 to June 17

This journal will be an accounting of my time in Seoul while working on Spring Day. I may not have much time to log all that many journal entries.

Departure- Tony saw us off at LAX. We arrived there at 10 p.m. and Tony stayed with Brittney, Adam and I while we checked in and after that was done we went to the security checkpoint. There we all said goodbye. No tears were shed, for we're only going to be in Seoul for a month and a half.

The plane tickets for me and the children were all first class. We pre-boarded the flight and made ourselves comfortable. For some security reason our plane didn't depart LAX till past 130 am. We were all sound asleep minutes after takeoff.

June 14th- The day Brittney, Adam and I arrive in Seoul. It was a late arrival, not getting in till close to 8 p.m. Besides our late departure, there were high head winds over the Pacific that slowed our flight.

After collecting our bags and passing customs, we exited into the main terminal. A chauffer with a sign was waiting for us and we rode in a limousine for the trip into Seoul. The last time back I was here in 1997, the international airport for US flights was Kimpo. Now most international arrivals come into Inchon.

The ROK hasn't changed in the five years I was gone. A twenty-five mile drive still takes over an hour. Adam, Brittney and I all zonked out in the car till we got to the Lotte Hotel. There we were shown to our three-bedroom suite that we'll call home for five weeks. After dinner in our room, I got Brittney and Adam ready for bed and I was in the sack only minutes after the children.

June 15 to 17th- Adam, Brittney and I went sightseeing, attended a Soccer game at the Olympic Stadium and did some shopping. Our jetlag was not bad in spite of the long trip.

This was the first time I ever really saw Seoul. It's a thriving city of almost eleven million. A busy city with busy people, maybe a little too busy for this South Dakota native's tastes. People will push and shove you while walking on a sidewalk. The traffic in the city is horrendous too. Thank goodness for the subway system.

For the two days I toured Seoul with Brittney and Adam with the help of a private tour guide I hired. Someone could have thought it odd a South Korean native needing a guide. Or maybe all my training as an actress paid off.

Today we went up into the Soyo Mountains to hike and see some of the ROK's prettiest scenery. It was good to get out of the city and breathe some fresh air.

On arriving back at the Lotte, I discovered a copy of Seoul's newspaper The Sun had been left for me. An article on page C1 was circled.

Spring Day's new cast Member arrives
By Lee Mi Na

According to my sources, Spring Day's newest cast member Cheung Jeoun arrived in Inchon last week. The Inchon-born actress had most recently been doing stage and television work in the United States.

Starting tomorrow, Miss Cheung will begin working in a guest star capacity on KBS #2 rated Soap Opera. She will play the role of Cho Kia, the younger sister of Cho Soon Li, Spring Day's lead female character, played by Oh Song Lee. Miss Cheung will be filming for five weeks before returning to the States.

Little is known about Jeoun Cheung, and I have done a lot of digging to find more information. All that is known about the actress is she was born in Inchon, lived most of her life outside of Korea with her parents, and is supposed to have studied in the United States. There Ms. Cheung was briefly married and then widowed. Now the actress is the adoptive mother of her late husband's two children from a previous marriage.

Rumor says Miss Cheung bares a striking resemblance to Miss Oh. That maybe the two actresses are somehow related. This is something the Oh camp has denied vehemently. As I get more information I will pass it along to readers.

I hadn't even begun work on Spring Day and I was already the subject of a gossip columnist. All through my life I had been a private person. I'd maintained that profile in California even after my modest successes as an actress.

Now in Seoul my life looks to be very public. Have I made a mistake taking this job? I guess only time will tell.

My future entries could be highly irregular. I'll be putting in up to fifteen hour days on the set of Spring Day. I'm not complaining.

My arrival on the set of Spring Day couldn't have gotten off to an odder start. Needing to be at the studio at 6 a.m., I rose at 4 a.m. I was out of the hotel at 5:15 with the children still in bed. The day before I had been introduced to one of two personal assistants I would have. Her name was Kim Young-il. Young would see that my children got up, got dressed, fed and were taken to their summer camp near Inchon.

From the hotel I took a subway two stops before disembarking. From here the Studio should have been only a ten minute taxi ride in the early morning hours of June 18th. I just didn't account for Seoul's nightmarish traffic. The ten minute ride took closer to twenty-five.

It wasn't an easy matter getting on the set either. Being my first day, I had to wait at the gate till my 2nd personal assistant, Kim Hyon-hi arrived.

"Miss Cheung good morning," My assistant said as she bowed to me. I bowed back in return. This custom I still had a lot to learn about. "Come with me, please. I show you to the set and your dressing room."

I just followed Hyon-hi. She seemed to have an endless set of questions for me. Like how was my trip? How did I like Seoul? How were my children? I answered all these questions but used my words economically while doing so. Right then I was really getting a bad case of the jitters.

Hyon-hi told me how I would be introduced to the Producers plus some KBS execs first after entering the studio. My jitters were slowly increasing, and the three cups of coffee I had drunk that morning wasn't helping.

These two factors caused me to need doing some urgent personal business the moment we were in the studio. "I've got to find the ladies room, NOW." I informed Hyon-hi.

After being pointed where to go I hurried to the ladies room. It wasn't much bigger than a broom closet. I went straight into a stall closing the door behind me. After pulling up my skirt I quickly sat down on the commode. I sighed with relief a few seconds later.

Having completed this urgent business, I left the stall and went to a nearby sink to wash my hands. I was just beginning to dry them off when another person came into the cramped room.

"Song, how was your…" The woman began saying to me. Then it was like she couldn't stop staring at me. "What have you done to your hair?"

"I'm not Song."

"Stop joking, will you. So what did you do to your hair?"

"I'm not Song," I said in a very firm tone of voice. "Will you now excuse me?"

That's when the cramped room became even smaller. As I began to leave, a third woman began to enter. Oh Song Lee and I almost walked straight into one another.

We just stood there for a minute staring at one another. With the exception of the way Song and I had our hair styled, It was like looking into a mirror.

The third woman in the room was who had already done a double take while shaking her head at the same time, exclaimed. "This is so incredible."

I then decided to introduce myself to my double. "Hi, my name is Jeoun."

Oh Song Lee just stared back at me. "Hello."

My double wasn't apparently in the mood for conversation. So I excused myself. "Nice meeting both of you."

Seoul Journal
June 18th to June 24th

I am only writing this on Sunday the 24th. My spare time was very limited during the last week.

My first day on the set was an interesting one. Not long after arriving I met my double, Ms. Oh. We stared at each other for about a minute. It was like we were looking at a mirror image of one another. Then we went our separate ways. Off the set, I think we spoke five words to one another the first four days.

How did my acting go? No one on the show expressed any complaints, so I think I'm off to a good start. The most important opinions are yet to be heard. That will be Spring Day's fans. Shows are taped three weeks ahead of time. The first episode I appear in will air on July 9th.

It was quite an entrance too for my character. My alter ego Kia is a handful. Her mother's fifty-fifth birthday is being celebrated at a mansion like home outside Seoul. Women and men are dressed like it's a formal ball. Gowns and Tuxedos being the clothing of choice Then I arrive.

Up comes me to the house, I'm driving a motorcycle (or rather a stunt driver is). The moment I stop the bike, I take off my helmet and head into the house. The party was by invitation only. Some bouncer type does a double take at the door and doesn't even try stopping me.

Kia couldn't have been more of a contrast compared to the people at the party. First there was the swagger. That I played to the hilt, and had a good time doing so. Then there were the tattoos on my arms and hints of more on my torso. (I spent two hours with a makeup artist getting ready for my scenes that day). Then there was the clothing, almost all leather down to my biker jacket. I thought leather was for furniture till I did
this episode.

On my way in I grab a glass of champagne from a dumbfounded waiter, pinch some woman on the rear saying I liked it (broadly hinting I'm bisexual. That was a bit of improvisation from me. The extra I pinched turned bright red in reaction to what I did.) then continued past more guests who by now were almost all staring at me till I reach my mother, Cho In-Bee. I say, "Mother, why wasn't I invited???"

So that's how my character Cho Kia-li was introduced. Typical soap opera, very dramatic and my character comes with enough baggage to fill a cargo 747. The forgotten daughter to In-Bee and the dread of her older sister Soon Li. We'll know in about three weeks how my character plays out with Spring Day's fans. The soap has a very loyal fan following.

It was a very busy week for me. Since my character was featured almost all week, I had many scenes to shoot. Getting up at 4 a.m. every day, I was often not back to my hotel till 9 p.m. I think the earliest I got back was 7:30 p.m. one night. This is a brutal pace, but as I said I'm not complaining since the pay I'm getting is outstanding.

How do I like working and living here? It does take some getting used to.

Seoul auto traffic  has to be about the worst on the face of this planet. Traffic jams happen in the middle of the night. I learned just how bad this was on first day traveling to the studio. A supposed to be ten minute ride turned into twenty-five minutes.

Just about every male in the country smokes too and I hate cigarette smoke. Kissing one of my co-stars was like kissing an ashtray.

Other than that, the people associated with Spring Day were wonderful to me. The first day I was introduced to Execs from KBS and the show's producers. Note to myself- Work on your bowing. I was welcomed aboard the show and they appeared happy to have me.

My relations with the cast and crew were good, if odd. Mostly because of my similarity to Ms. Oh. There were more than a few double takes and fits of staring at me the first few days. By Thursday most everyone had gotten used to me.

The best thing that happened all week in regard to Spring Day was when I was invited to lunch with seven other female members of either the cast or crew. It appears they have a Friday tradition of all going to lunch together at a café not far from the studio. I was welcomed to join them and accepted the invitation.

I had a great time chatting, laughing and gossiping with these women as we ate lunch. By then, I considered them all my friends. They wanted to know more about me, and I told them. I tried hard not to hog the conversation. Yes, my looking like Song was brought up, a makeup artist named Sang said we had to be related somehow.

These friends spend every Friday gossiping and chatting about their lives and I got thoroughly caught up in it. I learned a great deal about Gloria, Hyon, Sang and even Song. I felt honored to be let into their circle even on a temporary basis.

Up till Friday, Song appeared cold to me. I revised that opinion after our lunch on Friday. Song is having some troubling matters of her heart. Mostly a chauvinistic boyfriend (Are all Korean men Chauvinistic?) who is apparently jealous of Song's career and is giving her much grief.

Another topic was the affair a KBS executive Lim Myong-Chol was having. This really showed me how different Western and Eastern thinking was.

Mr. Lim was married and according to gossip having an affair with a well known Television news personality. Myong-Chol's wife, Jeong was in the late stages of MS and an invalid confined to a wheelchair.

What I found surprising was the reaction of my co-workers. Myong-Chol was supposedly devoted to his dying wife but cheating on her at the same time. I felt outraged by this. Not my co-workers. They felt sympathy for Mr. Lim. As one of my co-workers said Men have their needs.

That's when I got the biggest laugh of the day. "If I were Mrs. Lim, I'd do a Lorena Bobbit on Mr. Lim." I told my lunch companions. That caused my new friends to laugh hysterically. Half of them knew what the joke meant and the rest were told by those who did.

I guess I have a lot to learn about culture in this part of the world. It felt good to make some friends and I hope they invite me back the next four Fridays before I leave for home.

Later on in the day Song opened up to me during a break in shooting. She is very nice and I felt sorry for her because of her boyfriend problems. Song confided things to me only friends would tell one another. So I have made some friends.

Brittney and Adam had a great time at the camp near Inchon. They are picking up more Korean by the day and apparently didn't miss me so much. I have no reservations in having taken them here for the summer.

I spoke to Tony only once during the week. That was all the time I had for him. We miss each other and I missed Michelle and vice versa. Only four more weeks and we'll all be back together.

This week's shooting schedule may not be as rigorous. I may actually get some shopping in. The Lotte Mall/Arcade is a woman's delight and I'm looking forward to spending some time there.

June 30, 2002

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dr. Mandel,

Greetings from Seoul. I hope this letter finds both you and the Doctor doing well.

Enclosed are a couple of press clippings from Seoul newspapers. They preview my joining the cast of Spring Day. The first episode I filmed airs on July 9th. If you wish I'll send you burned DVDs of the episodes when I arrive back in California.

I'm glad you liked the photos I sent. There should be more coming over the weekend.

This week wasn't as hard as my first week on Spring Day. Actually I was off all day Thursday, allowing me time for a shopping orgy here in Seoul. I may need another suitcase to bring home all the new clothes I got for me plus Adam and Brittney.

I had only one long day this week, that was Tuesday and Wednesday I was off by 5 p.m. My work is still soap opera work but it's going for a good cause. I plan on stashing the money for Adam and Brittney's college funds.

Right now Adam and Brittney are on a three-day field trip to Cheju Island here in the ROK. They get back tomorrow. I've talked to them on Brittney's cell phone (Yes, ten year olds have cell phones here) and I was glad to hear they are having a good time. This doesn't stop me from missing them. You'd think I would enjoy the down time. My mind is always with the children. Just tells you how maternal I become.

I got invited to lunch again by my friends at Spring Day. I'm honored that they consider me part of their little circle for the few weeks I'm here.

I'm no closer to solving my quandary over Tony and Michelle. God I hate this female/male brain of mine sometimes. I can shop till I drop and then get hung up on the fact I used to be male till five years ago. Somehow I've got to get this sorted out.

Give my love to the Doctor. Till next time.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

Seoul Journal
July 8th Entry

I spent much of yesterday in two television interviews for my premier on Spring Day tomorrow. One interview was for KBS and another for a Pussan television station. Both were filmed here at the Lotte.

Last night I almost got mobbed while out with Adam and Brittney. We were over at the Itewon shopping center when word spread Oh Song Lee was shopping. This brought out the autograph seekers and left me the difficult job of convincing people I wasn't she. In the end I had to duck out of the mall with Brittney and Adam and grab a taxi back to the hotel.

Next time I go out, I'm wearing sunglasses.

It was Friday July 13th and I was getting was my makeup prepared before my last day's shooting for the week. The makeup artist was Han Sang Hee, one of the co-workers I went to lunch with every Friday.

"Are you coming to lunch with us?" Sang asked me as she worked.

"Of course. I wouldn't miss it for anything."

"We will miss you when you leave," Sang told me as she did her work. "I will miss you."

"I'll miss all of you too." I told the makeup artist. The previous Monday I had gotten an early copy of the script for Kia's final appearance on Spring Day which I'd be filming in one week's time. The writers had made Kia's departure very open ended, leaving the possibility for my return.

I was open to working again in Seoul but my home was still back in the states. If Spring Day's Producers wanted to work out some recurring deal for me, I was open to it. I was only guessing then, but thought I might hear something before I left for Los Angeles with Brittney and Adam on July 22nd.

"You should stay and work here in Seoul."

"Sang, I wish I could, but my home is back in California."

"Why not move back home to Korea? You were born here. This is your real home." Sang told me.

"I don't know. The children aren't you know….."

"I know but they are learning Korean."

"Yes, they are. Adam and Brittney like visiting here."

"So if they like, come here to live."

"I have a boyfriend back in the states too."

Sang looked at me oddly after my last statement. I was clueless why. Then the makeup artist said. "I'm finished. How do you like?"

"You did well, Sang. Thank you."

"You are very beautiful." Sang told me as I stood up in front of the mirror. What happened next, surprised me. While looking in the mirror I saw Sang wink at me. Was she gay and coming on to me?

I didn't get too long to contemplate that mystery because my personal assistant Hyon-hi entered the room unexpectedly. She was carrying some sack I had never seen before.

"Hyon-hi, what's that bag you have? What is in it?"

"It's your fan mail."

Spring Day has new star?
By Lee Mi Na

Phone calls, letters and email are flooding the offices of KBS and the production office of their highly rated Soap Opera Spring Day. All in praise of South Korea's new soap star, Cheung Jeoun.

"We love Jeoun," One Spring Day fan told this reporter. "Her character Kia is the best on the show."

Many fans applaud the brashness of Kia and say she is a breath of fresh air on Spring Day. The soap opera's ratings have been in decline of late. Now fans are both calling and writing letters to the studio pleading for the character to be continued on the show. Actress Cheung Jeoun is only under contract for twenty-five episodes the last of which is to film on July 20th.

I attempted to reach both Miss Cheung and Spring Day producers but either no comment was made or they were unavailable.

July 15th 2002

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dr. Mandel,

Hello from Seoul again. Give a kiss to the doctor for me.

I'm sorry to hear about Esther's traffic accident and hospitalization but glad to hear she is recovering. We'll continue to pray for her here.

Something totally unexpected has happened. I've become an overnight hit with my Kia character on Spring Day. The letters to me and the phone calls to KBS have been flooding in since my first episode aired on July 9th. Two people were put to work on the letters I got. A tally was made and the letters numbered over 9,000.

I'm really humbled by all of this. I never realized my portrayal would have such a reaction. People love my character of Kia. They tell me she is so unique, they wish they were this imaginary person.

This has put me in a dilemma. My fans want the character to continue and my run is almost up here. I haven't heard anything from KBS or the producers except congratulations. Nothing has been said about me coming back at another date. Will they ask?

Better question, what if they ask me to join the cast full-time? I'm sure they could make it monetarily enticing for me. But live here full-time? It isn't just the move here that bothers me. Do I want to live in this part of the world and the culture and society that go with it? There are both things I like and dislike about life here.

Then there is Tony and Michelle too. If I move, that will certainly end the relationship I have with Tony. He won't ever move here, even if he could. His family is too important to him, and to Michelle. Again, I might have to make another series of big decisions in my life.

One of the Seoul newspapers revealed where I'm staying here in Seoul, the Lotte Hotel. Now I have to come and go via the hotel's service entrance. Such is the cost of fame. Supposedly up to one hundred fans are sometimes waiting at the hotel's main entrance.

A funny thing happened the other day. A makeup artist Han Sang Hee came on to me. She winked at me but not before saying I'm beautiful. She's kind of cute I have to admit, that bisexual side of me is flaring up again. Life certainly isn't boring for me.

Give Esther a kiss for me and say hello to the doctor too.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

I just walked out of the makeup room on July 19th when Hyon-hi approached me. "Mr. Cho wants to see you."

Cho Jang-yop was Spring Day's Executive Producer and I went straight to his office. In addition to Mr. Cho, two KBS executives were also in the room. I was immediately introduced to these two men Chong Ki-hae and Lee Woong-pyong.

The moment I sat down Cho Jang-yop began speaking. "Miss Cheung we been honored that you have worked with us these last five weeks on Spring Day."

"Thank you. I'm honored you allowed me to appear on your show."

"You must already know we have been receiving many mail and phone calls in regards to you and the character of Kia."

"Yes I do."

"Spring Day's fans are very important. We the Producers of the show must listen to them. Without these fans we would have no television show."

"I understand that." I said back to Mr. Cho. The two other men remained totally silent.

Then it came. Mr. Cho handed me a document across the table to me. "Miss Cheung we would like you to join the cast of Spring Day. We think the terms of the two year service contract we offer will be most satisfactory."

Oh boy did I have a big decision to make now.

The next day was the final day for me on the set of Spring Day before I returned to Los Angeles. I hadn't made any decision yet whether to take Mr. Cho's offer. The Executive Producer had given me thirty days to make up my mind.

Adam and Brittney were there on the set. The producers had been kind enough to permit them to see their Mom at work that day.

Right after the Director yelled "Cut, that's a wrap" on my final scene, I was enthusiastically applauded by everyone on the set. I felt so humbled, I immediately began to cry.

Then to top things off a production assistant came up and handed me this big bouquet of Roses. It was from the cast and crew of Spring Day in thanks for my performing there.

I bowed in thanks to everyone there. Would I come back? Should I come back? I was still grappling with those questions. Neither Brittney, Adam, or Tony knew about the offer I had been made the day before.

Before leaving the studio many of the crew came to say goodbye, and I also made sure to say goodbye to some others. Particularly my friends from the Friday lunch group.

Sang again looked odd when we said goodbye. It was that look in her eyes. I had seen it before five years ago. A look of hunger. Just like my ex-wife Linda looked after I exited the machine.

Then it was Song's turn. The person I was a double of was crying. We had gotten very close in the five weeks I had been there. I was if not like a sister to Song, then I was a close friend and confidante to her. Someone who we both could share our innermost feelings and dreams to.

After our hug ended, a still sobbing Song asked me. "Are you going to come back?"

"I don't know yet."

"I hope you do. We'll miss you. I'll miss you here."

"Thanks I'll miss you too. Don't forget there is a special man out there for you. Don't despair." Song still had boyfriend troubles, and I hoped she'd find someone better.

"I won't."

"If not that shithead Bokyuk, someone else will come along. Keep your chin up."

"Your children are adorable." Song told me. Then she went and hugged Adam and Brittney "You both be good for your mother."

"We will." Adam said.

The last thing Song said before we broke up. "You're so lucky. I wish I had two children like Brittney and Adam."

"Song, one day you will."

On the way back to the Lotte I told Brittney and Adam of my news. My son then asked me a question.

"Mom if we move here, what will happen to Uncle Tony?"

To- IMndlDC@aol.com
From- Hooahgirl87@att.net
Sunday July 22nd 23:17 PST

Dr. Mandel,

Greetings from Los Angeles. The children and I arrived home this afternoon.

A great deal is going on at the moment. Before leaving Seoul, I was offered a two-year contract on Spring Day. Salary not including benefits is almost four million US dollars a year. Wow! The benefits include moving expenses, health care, an expense account, three personal assistants among other things.

The offer is incredible and beyond my dreams. I'd never get this kind of work or money here in the states. In the ROK I'll have steady work forty out of fifty-two weeks in a year. This is the result of my Kia character being so popular. Fans of Spring Day flooded the office with phone calls and email.

Back on the 19th I was called into the Executive Producer's office and made this offer. Then the next day also my last day at Spring Day, they gave me a send-off that still makes me want to cry.

This is so good and I'm just in shock at what has transpired.

Then why am I waffling? There are four reasons- Adam, Brittney, Tony and Michelle. Adam put it squarely when we left the studio the last day of shooting when he asked his Mom. "What will happen to Uncle Tony if we move here?"

I'm scared because I can see where Tony and I are headed if I stay here. He'll ask me to marry him. I don't know if I can be someone's wife.

It all comes down as usual to my not being able to let go of my life as Jack McGee. Am I being hard headed? I am. Am I being selfish? Probably and I shouldn't. I need to think of Adam and Brittney's needs. They want to have a father again.

Hell, I don't know what to do. Tony picked us up at LAX today and drove us home. We didn't talk much because the children and I were all so jet lagged. Tony is aware of the offer and said we'd talk about it. He's working again starting tomorrow and won't be back till Thursday.

Today Michelle told me she loves me. I'm her Aunt Jul.

Please write back. Call even. Right now I need someone to talk to, I just don't know where I want to go in life.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

Monday night I couldn't go to sleep. A combination of jetlag and too many things on mind being the cause. After an hour of tossing and turning I left my bedroom and went to the kitchen area. It was just a little past midnight.

After pouring myself a glass of milk to drink, I sat down at the dinner table. The folder with the contract I had gotten from Spring Day was nearby. I took the contract out and began reading it again.

The offer was still there. An offer of a lifetime for two years of work. It would give me and the children financial security like nothing I had ever dreamed of before. My agent David Raisch had read it this morning and said everything was in order. While not telling me what to do, David had said the terms were generous.

In five years I had gone from male Army Captain to female Soap Opera Star. It all seemed like a dream sometimes. It could also be overwhelming, and that was how I felt now.

That's because I was alone. No one to talk to or at least no adults that is. Tony was in Chicago, The Mandels were in Europe. My sister Karen and her husband were in the midst of a move to Illinois. Even Amy Chen and her family were on vacation at the Grand Canyon.

I had to make a decision and make it on my own. Why should this be any different for me? Since breaking up with Linda, I had been responsible for myself and Adam and Brittney. There had been many decisions made by me in the last five years, most of them I thought for the good.

Now I had to make perhaps the biggest of my life. My career versus a father for my children? I then thought back to September of the year before and when Tony and I first met. Why had I let him into my and Adam and Brittney's hearts if I wasn't able to one day make a commitment?

Oh hell, I couldn't be clairvoyant. Who knew this Spring Day opportunity would fall in my lap? Who knew Tony would fall in love with me? Admittedly I had fallen in love too.

I was just afraid of the final ultimate step of where Tony and I were appearing to be headed. Damn, why didn't he ask me before I went to Seoul? Then all of this wouldn't have happened.

Life is complicated I thought as I drank my milk, being careful to not get any on the contract. Attached to the papers was a business card for Mr. Cho back in Seoul. A phone and fax number were on the card.

I had almost four weeks to make up my mind. Would it be easier for me then than it was now? No, I'd have the same conflicts to resolve.

Maybe call Tony and tell him what was bothering me. No that wasn't a good idea either. It was past 2 a.m. in Chicago and I'd be waking him up if I called.

Why had I put myself in this situation? I had to choose, Soap Opera or housewife. Tony couldn't come to Seoul. What would he do if I did?

If I stayed behind, I knew what was coming. My children wanted it, Tony wanted it, and Michelle wanted it. For me to marry Anthony Pastorelli. Did I want it? Was it really so bad?

I looked at the contract again. Jeoun, you have to make a choice. Do it and don't look back. I picked up a nearby pen. Looked at the contract, looked at the pen. Then I signed my name.

It wasn't over yet. I got up and went to the computer desk in the living room and turned the machine on. In addition to my PC, I had a Hewlett Packard four in one machine. As soon as my PC was warmed up I clicked on the Hewlett Packard software. Then I put the contract in my printer tray.

I still had time to back out as I typed in the Fax number for Spring Day and KBS Studios. It was all set now, including a computer generated cover memo marked attention Cho Jang-yop.

With my right hand I moved the cursor over to the Send fax button. Do I or Don't I? I thought for a few seconds and then clicked the button.

As soon as the fax was sent, I reached over and picked up my nearby phone. Then I made a long distance overseas phone call.

It was September 28th and it was time for me and Brittney and Adam to go through the immigration-security checkpoint at LAX's International terminal. Also there with us were Tony and Michelle.

The last nine weeks had neither been the smoothest or happiest time in my life. That's because of my accepting Spring Day's offer. I had made my decision and everyone would have to live with it. Most of all I had to live with it.

No one seemed too happy with the choice I made. Brittney and Adam got quiet and moody on hearing the news. How was Uncle Tony going to see us? They asked me more than once. I tried to explain to Adam and Brittney while rationalizing to myself that what I had done was in their best interest. The children didn't appear to share that belief. The decision was made.

Tony hadn't taken the news very well either. For a while we both made excuses not to talk to or see one another. It was too painful for both of us.

"Uncle Tony, I'm going to miss you." Adam said and then gave Tony a big.

"Aunt Jul don't go." Michelle told me as she clinged to me.

"Michelle, I'll be back."

"Don't go. I love you." Michelle told me. Again I asked why I had done this?

"I'm going to miss you." Tony told me. The pain was so apparent on his face.

"This is only for two years."

"I know."

Adam spoke up. "Mom, let's stay home."

"Let's do that." Brittney added. "I'd rather live here."

I was getting so torn up and barely could avoid crying. Then a KAL rep came to save the day. "Miss Cheung, your flight will board in five minutes."

"We've got to go." Then the children and Tony shared one last hug. While they did so I shared a hug and kiss with Michelle.

"I love you." Michelle said to me.

"Love you too."

Then it was my turn with Tony. The passion we had for the last year was missing now. He didn't hold me the same way like before. He just bent down and kissed me on the left cheek. "Take care of yourself."

"I will." I told Tony then taking Brittney and Adam's hands we walked to the checkpoint. My children looking back at their Uncle Tony but I couldn't look back. I would have broken down crying if I had.

Long plane rides are not the best thing for a person's appearance and KAL Flight 6 was no different. Coming off the plane I felt and looked barely human. All I wanted to do was find a nice warm tub and soak for an hour before going to sleep.

The immigration checkpoint was just a formality and KAL's customer service for its first class passengers, was exceptional as always. Less than twenty minutes after our plane reached the gate, Adam, Brittney and I exited passport control. The first thing I looked for was the chauffer for our ride into Seoul.

Instead what I saw were hundreds of people waiting outside. Lined on both sides of the roped off area we had to pass along. I'd soon learn why many of them were here.

"Kia, we love you." Yelled one female fan.

"Welcome home, Kia." Yelled another female fan.

‘Oh God, they are all here for me.' I thought as the flash bulbs kept going off. ‘And they're taking my picture when I look like shit!'

Right then I wanted to find somewhere to hide but I wasn't going to get that chance. I was being welcomed home by my fans. One then came running towards me and handed me a large bouquet of roses.

"We love you, Kia." The fan told me.

I bowed back. "Thank you." The flowers I held were so immense I felt like I just won the Kentucky Derby.

Fans were continuing to call my name. Many of them were asking for autographs. Despite my appearance, I stopped and signed about a dozen of these. Then a KBS representative came to my rescue and helped to usher me, Adam and Brittney out of the airport to where a limousine was waiting for us.

October 7th was scheduled to be my first day back on the set of Spring Day. However on October 4th I paid a surprise visit to the café where my Friday lunch friends met every week Spring Day was filming. The screeching welcome I got when I asked if I could join them continued to ring in my ears for the rest of that day.

When lunch was over, Song and I talked as she walked back to the studio. "We're glad you're back."

"Me too," I told the person I was a double of. "I'm glad you got your problems sorted out."

"I am too. Bokyuk was shithead like you say."

Song and I laughed together at her comment. "Yes, he was. Koyuang sounds very nice."

"He is. You know Koyuang teach mathematics at Seoul University."

"Yes, I heard you say that."

"You used to teach math. I tell that to Koyuang. He like to meet you."

"We'll do that some time."

"What happen to you and Tony?" Song asked.

"He's back in LA. I don't know where we stand."

"Maybe you need a Korean man." Song told me.

"Koyuang wouldn't have a brother would he?" I joked.

Song laughed. "Yes, but brother is married."

"Too bad." I said back before making another joke. "Maybe I get my hair cut like yours and steal Koyuang. He won't know the difference."

Song giggled uncontrollably at my joke. "Then I steal your Tony and we even."

Song's comment was a uncomfortable reminder of the decisions I made recently. Again I was alone and there was no one to blame but myself.

"I better get back. See you Monday." Song told me, and after sharing a hug we split up, both of us going our separate ways.

October 6th, 2002

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dear Doctor,

Hello from Seoul. How are you and the Doctor?

Adam, Brittney and I arrived here on September 30th and are pretty much settled into our apartment. It's a two-room affair only but it's close to my television studio and only a ten-minute subway ride to school for the children.

The trip over was uneventful. Saying goodbye to Tony and Michelle was painful. I'm going the solo route again in my life. Deep down, I'm a coward. I ran away from two people who love me all because I'm scared of loving them back the same way they love me.

Adam and Brittney are ok. I guess they are just accepting what Mom did but aren't all that happy about it. No more cheers for Mom when she gets dressed for a night out with Uncle Tony.

I guess I'll just have to live with the choice I made. I just wanted to give you an update. Give my love to your husband.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

"You're done," Han Sang-Hee told me. It was October 7th and my first day back on the set of Spring Day. "What do you think?"

I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. "You did perfect, Sang."

"Thank you. I'm glad you're back."

"I'm glad to be back too."

"I miss you." Sang said and then she winked at me.

"Sang, can I ask you something?"

"Yes you can."

"You're gay?"

"You smart woman." Sang told me while she put her supplies away.

"Those winks you give me are hard not to notice."

"You like me?" Sang said now looking straight at me.

I nodded my head. "Yes, you're pretty."

"Thank you." Sang told me. "I know you like girls too."

"Hmm…. maybe a little." I said back to Sang. All of a sudden I began to worry someone could walk in on us. But we weren't doing anything, right?

"Let me show you good time. Want to go out Saturday night?"

Now I had to think. The memory of Linda and what happened, even LES coming on to me, my being a church going and praying Catholic, then Tony of course. There was way too much information to process and too little time.

Then someone knocked on the door. "Miss Cheung, we begin shooting in five minutes." Called a female voice.

"I'll be right out." I said.

"So you want to?" Sang asked me again.

"Ok."

"We will have fun." Sang told me as a broad smile formed on her face.

"I'm sure we will. I better get going. Talk to you later."

As I was about to exit the room Sang blew me a kiss. "You are a cutie." As I exited the room I thought about how I was returning to soap operas. Not just at Spring Day but in my personal life also.

Jeoun Cheung Journal
Seoul South Korea

October 22, 2002

This is the first time I've written in a while. Nine days ago I went on a date with Han Sang Hee, a makeup artist at Spring Day. We went to a bar or disco in one of the seedier parts of Seoul. The place called the Girl's club was down a back alley about a half block away from where hookers plied their trade.

Inside the place was dark, loud and smelled of Lysol. Sang and I spent almost three hours there listening to music, trying to talk over it, and getting up and dancing from time to time. On our first dance we kissed. No one gave us a look because this was a lesbian club.

Two women or lesbians together in this city are considered at best unusual and at worst sick by Korean society. That's why clubs like The Girl's Club are barely visible. No one like us wants to be seen, at least in public. Everyone is so closeted here, and I wonder how they can live being that way.

Back to Sang, she is very nice, open minded and has a great sense of humor. We had a good time and came back to my apartment afterwards. She had picked me up before going to the club. When our date was over I invited Sang inside for some tea and then sent the baby sitter home for the night. Brittney and Adam were fast asleep.

All I wanted to do was talk to Sang and get to know one another better. We did that and MORE. On my sitting area couch the two of us began to make out or fondle one another. This didn't go on long before we transferred to the bedroom.

In the bedroom we didn't waste one bit of time. Our clothes came off immediately and we then sank into my bed for an orgy of lesbian lovemaking. Sang was quite a little tiger in bed and with reason. This was her first time with either man or woman. By the time we called it quits, we had both climaxed multiple times. We then went to sleep together but Sang rose early enough to leave my apartment before Brittney and Adam had to get up for the day.

I had a good time with Sang, so why am I so down right now on both of us?

Because we're both so afraid to show affection outside our home or some place like the Girls' Club. I just don't know how gays and lesbians can live in this country with how society considers homosexuality so taboo.

I'm not even so sure about Sang. She seems divided, mostly due to pressure coming from her parents to marry and begin a family. Sang, I feel doesn't have the strength to defy her parents so strongly as to tell them she is gay.

Then I don't know if I have the strength to go against the norm here either. It's not just Sang. Right now I'm just terribly confused about where I stand. What happened that day with Linda is affecting my thinking too. Lust changed my life once already, for the good I think. I don't know if I'd be so lucky the second time around.

Another factor is I am still occasionally talking to Tony and Michelle. We've talked four times since the children and I arrived here. Tony calls me not vice versa. About twice a week we trade emails. We just spoke last Thursday and Michelle gave me a long update on her life and that of her father. When she was done Michelle asked. "When are you coming home? I miss you, Aunt Jul."

I miss Michelle too but I need to be honest with myself and her. I love that girl very much. As if she were my own child. I'd be happy to raise her, but I don't know if I want to be a married woman. If I'm not prepared for married life, I wouldn't be worthy to be Michelle's mother. She deserves a real Mom.

You know I'm feeling guilty too. Because I'm Catholic, and what I did with Sang is considered a sin. Yesterday I felt dirty from what I did. I'm an admitted bisexual but I don't know which way if either I lean. Looking back at the night of our date, I didn't want my children to know what their Mom is doing. Like I felt ashamed about dating a woman. Right now I'm terribly confused.

Ok I just needed to get this off my chest right now. I saw Sang again just this weekend and we went out. We just didn't go to bed together this time. My excuse was I had a headache. Sang didn't buy this and was disappointed. Sang was probably angry but right now I got a great deal to sort out emotionally. Again I got to make some decisions about what I want to do in life.

Maybe I'll write Dr. Mandel. It always seems to help. She always listens and has good advice for me.

Jeoun Cheung Journal
Seoul South Korea

November 9th, 2002

It is time for another update.

First there is Sang. Or there isn't Sang. Any relationship we may have been having is on hold right now. A permanent hold I would reckon. I'm still deciding where I want to go in life. Sang isn't very happy right now and we're not talking at all. I'm sorry but I just don't feel comfortable committing myself right now. All the reasons I stated in my last journal entry still apply.

A lot of it is guilt. My being Catholic again. Should have thought of that before I let Sang lick my genitalia, right?

I traded a couple of email with Ilana on this confusion in my life now. She told me not to make commitments if I wasn't comfortable. I need to be true to both myself and whoever else is in my life. To do otherwise is liable to be painful for all of us. And I have children to think of, not just myself. I want Brittney and Adam to have a stable home environment. If that can be done only by my staying single, so be it.

Tony called yesterday. He asked if he and Michelle could visit the second week in January. I almost asked who comes to Seoul on vacation in January. Of course I told him he was welcome as was Michelle. The timing is good; we'll be on winter break from filming Spring Day. So I'll have a week to show them around.

It's apparent Tony still has a thing for me. But what applies to Sang with the exception of homosexual angle, applies to Tony too. I'm at a crossroads in my life and I'll have to make a decision. When I'm ready.

The Kia phenomenon continues here. Spring Day is again the #1 KBS soap opera and most people attribute it to my character. This has caused a loss of privacy for me, when I go out I have to wear sunglasses and this doesn't always work. The price of fame I suppose.

I have second billing on Spring Day, only behind Song. Really BEHIND Song. The credits as they roll show Song first, left profile and with a serious look on her face. Then my image appears, right profile and my back directly up against Song's. A wicked smile on my face.

Brittney and Adam are picking up Korean so fast. Both are playing on youth soccer teams and doing well in school. They also miss their Uncle Tony.

2002 has been a fascinating year and it's almost over. 2003 is almost here and what lies ahead I don't know.

"Do you see Uncle Tony yet, Mom?" Adam asked me as we stood outside Immigration control at Inchon International Airport. Tony's plane had arrived a little over a half hour earlier.

"No, dear, I don't. It won't be much longer."

Inchon's passport control was very busy right then. Several international flights had just arrived. People were starting to come out, but they were a few here and few there. So far no sign of Tony or Michelle.

Another ten minutes passed and the number of people exiting Immigration control began to increase significantly. A sea of faces but almost every one of them were Korean or Asian. Only an occasional westerner coming out of the doors. Finally I saw Tony and Michelle. So Brittney, Adam and I all began waving at them.

Tony saw us but it was Michelle who greeted me first. She ran straight up to me, so I crouched down in order to let the girl hug and kiss me.

"Hello, Aunt Julie." Michelle said excitedly to me as she kissed and hugged me. "We are here."

"I see. How was your plane trip?"

"All right. Daddy snored."

"Did he?" I asked and Michelle nodded her head. The three year old wasn't showing the least bit of jet lag from her long trip.

Tony was greeted by Adam and Brittney while I was with Michelle. Now it was our turn but not before Tony bent down and kissed me. "Welcome to South Korea."

"Thanks." Tony replied.

"How was your trip?" I asked as we began walking towards an airport terminal exit. Tony had his and Michelle's bags on a luggage cart that he was pushing. "We have a limo waiting outside for us."

"The trip was long but good."

"Michelle already told me you were snoring."

Tony laughed. "I think I caught a few hours sleep on the plane ride over."

"I see both of you came prepared. It's just below zero Celsius outside," I told Tony as we continued walking. The children were walking immediately in front of us and excitedly bantering away. "We had a light snow fall yesterday. There are one or two inches on the ground right now."

Tony told me then that he and Michelle had donned jackets before coming out of immigration control. They had done this during a trip to the rest room so Michelle could pee.

"Michelle has never seen snow before." Tony told me as we began holding hands. Public displays of affection weren't the norm in the ROK but I wasn't minding. I had sunglasses on and no one recognized me. I was glad for that; I wanted some privacy during Tony and Michelle's visit.

"Michelle will be thrilled then once we get outside."

It was almost 5:30 p.m. and nearly dinner time at least for me and the children. "Are you guys hungry?"

Tony laughed. "Starved. I could eat a horse right now."

I smiled. "I don't know if I can get you a horse. But I do know a good steak house not far from your hotel. The children can get hamburgers there."

"Sounds good to me. So how's my little China doll been doing?"

Tony still used his nickname for me. "Good. I am just a very busy woman. Except I am off this week."

"That's good."

Right then we walked out of the terminal. The first thing we felt was the cold or freezing wind blowing into our faces. Michelle didn't seem to mind, the moment she saw snow on the ground she made a beeline right for it. Too bad there wasn't enough to be picked up or to make a snowball out of.

A few minutes later we climbed into a limo for the sixty minute ride into Seoul. Inside the heated vehicle, we all talked about recent events, mostly about the just passed Christmas holidays. About half way to Seoul, Michelle fell asleep next to me, the girl leaning her head against me while I gently wrapped an arm around her.

Michelle seemed to perk up when we got to Choi's steak house. The restaurant was a five minute walk from the Holiday Inn the Tony and Michelle would be stopping at. Before going to the restaurant, Tony checked in at the hotel and gave his and Michelle's luggage to a porter who would place it in the room for them.

Choi's was packed that night. When I asked a waiter how long it would be before a table was ready. He said an hour at least.

"Sorry, Tony, I should have known better and made a reservation."

"No problem, China Doll, it's not your fault." Tony told me. "Why don't we go back to that McDonalds we passed near the hotel? It isn't very far is it?"

"No not really. Maybe a five minute walk in the other direction from the hotel." I said still feeling bad about our dinner plans being changed like this. "We could eat at the hotel too if you prefer."

Tony flapped his hand. "The kids will like McDonalds better and it's alright with me. Let's get going. We'll try getting a cab and if not we'll just walk."

We were just about to gather the children and leave when I heard my name for a moment. Turning around to look I saw the restaurant's maitre d and a matronly looking woman having a hushed conversation.

Suddenly the woman waved to us and then spoke in Korean. "Come, Miss Cheung. We have a table for your party in back."

I looked at Tony and he shrugged his shoulders at me. Apparently my celebrity status fairly or unfairly had gotten us bumped to the front of the line. With some hesitation, I accepted and a minute later we were shown to a table in the back of the crowded establishment.

On the way to the table a few people from the entertainment industry saw me. One woman waved, a television producer just nodded towards me. There were also a few fans of mine present, one of whom stared at me.

I wished I had paid more attention to my clothes that day. Under the coat I was wearing, I had on a blouse and blue jeans. Clothes that were more functional rather than dressy. In any case Tony wasn't complaining.

The maitre d gave us our menus and left shortly after we were seated. Tony was already looking at the cover of the menu.

"I'll need your help. I can't read Korean."

I laughed for a moment. "The menu inside is in both Korean and English."

Tony then looked at the menu and immediately chuckled. "I should have looked before talking."

A waiter soon arrived at the table. He wanted to know if we wanted anything to drink. Tony and I decided to have a glass of merlot each, while the children all ordered Pepsis to drink.

"Anything you recommend?" Tony asked me.

"The Prime rib is excellent." I told my friend. This was the third time I had eaten at Choi's. "The lobster is good too."

Tony nodded his head. "Yes, but the prices here are…. Expensive."

"Don't worry, tonight is my treat."

Our drinks and beverages arrived soon. Also just in time for us to place our orders. Tony ordered a sixteen ounce prime rib medium rare with baked potato and green beans plus a lobster tail side order. My own order was an eight ounce T-bone steak cooked medium also with baked potato and green beans. I also got the lobster tail as a side order.

As to the children, Michelle and Adam not surprisingly each ordered a Hamburger and French Fries. Brittney on the other hand ordered a six ounce fillet mingeon with the same sides as her mother with the exception of the lobster tail.

Less than a minute after the waiter was gone Tony raised his glass to make a toast. "To the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet."

I blushed as we clinked our glasses together. "Thank you."

The children then did their own toast but with their Pepsis and with Adam saying. "Here's how we lost the farm!"

All five of us broke out laughing. It certainly appeared I would enjoy Tony and Michelle's visit to Seoul.

The following six days were hectic but enjoyable ones for me, Tony and the children. I spent most of the time showing my friends the sights of Seoul and nearby Inchon. Brittney and Adam were in school, so I made sure to complete the sightseeing in time to be home for dinner.

Among the places I took Tony and Michelle to visit were some Buddhist Temples, two museums, a few historical monuments and a children's underground theme park in Seoul. I even wrangled a studio tour of where I work for them. In addition all three of us went shopping at Itewon.

At night-time Tony stayed over at my apartment and we watched television together along with the children. Then when we got tired, I'd call for a taxi to pick up Tony and Michelle to bring them back to the hotel. If my apartment had been bigger, I would have let Tony and Michelle stay with us.

On two separate nights Tony and I went out alone while a babysitter stayed with the children. One time we went to a KNBA basketball game, the other night we saw a movie.

At the invitation of Song, Tony and I came over to her apartment for dinner one night. Koyuang, Song's boyfriend was there also.

"If not for the different hairstyle, I couldn't tell the two of you apart," Tony whispered in my ear not long after arriving.

On the seventh or last full day of Tony and Michelle's visit something interesting happened. We were in the arcade beneath the Lotte hotel. Michelle by now was potty trained and according to her father rarely had accidents any more.

"Aunt Julie I got to go potty." Michelle told me as the three of us were walking along.

"Ok precious," I said to Michelle before turning to Tony. "I think I got to go too. Let's find the nearest ladies room."

"I think I saw one around the next corner." Tony said. We had been in this part of the mall earlier. At the moment we were almost done for the day and getting ready to leave.

By our seventh day together, Michelle and I knew the drill. We went into the nearby ladies room and straight into one of the stalls. There I helped the girl pull down the pants she was wearing and I then boosted Michelle onto the commode. After that Michelle knew what to do.

Then Michelle said something to me. "I'm going to miss you, Aunt Julie."

"I'm going to miss you too, precious." I said to Michelle. The two of us had grown very attached to one another.

"I'm done." Michelle said giving a verbal signal that she had finished her business. I then handed her toilet paper I had already prepared. "Daddy told me a secret that I'm not supposed to tell you."

‘Maybe later on I'll teach Tony not to tell a child under the age of six a secret if you want it kept secret.' I thought to myself. "You better not tell me then."

Michelle was able to get herself off the toilet without help. Then as I was helping get her pants back on, Michelle blurted out. "Daddy is going to ask you something tonight."

Right then I felt as if I had been hit by a lightening bolt. Why hadn't I seen this coming? Why else would Tony bring Michelle here in the dead of winter six thousand miles around the world? The answer was simple; I had been in complete denial but not any more. My head began to spin as I took my turn to pee and Michelle patiently waited for me.

The question Tony was going to ask was obvious. He was going to ask me to be his wife. Right then I didn't have an answer. I was still indecisive as to what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

"Maybe you better not tell me about it." I told Michelle calmly as I finished my business and we then exited the stall.

We went straight to the sink where I boosted Michelle up so she could wash her hands. After drying her hands off, it was my turn.

Michelle spoke up again. "Aunt Julie, I want you to be my Mommy. Please be my Mommy. I love you."

I didn't know what to say to Michelle. She had really tugged on my heartstrings. Before the night was over I would have to make the biggest decision of my female life.

That evening Tony took me to dinner at an Italian restaurant named Luigi's. It was located in Seoul's downtown less than a half mile from the US embassy.

It was a cold evening like the day Tony and Michelle had arrived. With Brittney's help I dressed nice for the occasion. I had on a black leather jacket over a red turtleneck sweater plus blue jeans. On my feet was a pair of black boots.

After our shopping excursion that day, Tony and Michelle had returned to their hotel while I went back to my apartment. I was the most nervous I had ever been since using the machine in 1997. Soon Brittany and Adam were home from school and I did my best not to let them on to what could be a very important night for them also. I still hadn't made up my mind. Maybe I was misunderstanding what Michelle had told me. Yes, that could be it.

Tony and Michelle arrived about five minutes after the baby sitter. On entering the apartment Tony and I kissed. But first Michelle gave me a hug and kiss.

"You're so strong." I told Michelle as our hug ended. "How are you tonight?"

"Ok, Aunt Julie. You look pretty."

"Why thank you." I said, and then Tony took this time to kiss me again.

"You do look lovely tonight."

"Thanks to you too." I said as I tried to remain calm. "Let's get Michelle settled in and then we'll go out."

Five minutes later Tony and I were walking hand in hand to the subway station. After a five minute wait on the platform, we caught a train into downtown. The walk from the station to Luigi's was about as long as the one to my house. All during this time Tony and I made small talk; mostly about things in the news back home in the states. Unlike what happened at Choi's, tonight we had reservations. After a five minute wait, Tony and I were shown to a booth in the back of the restaurant.

We hadn't been seated thirty seconds when Tony surprised me by getting up. "Julie I think I may have dropped something outside. Mind if I go check? I will only be a couple of minutes."

"Go ahead." I told Tony. He then squeezed my hand for a moment before leaving.

It was more like five minutes before Tony returned. During the interval I just sat there pondering the big decision I could be facing that night. The positives and the negatives running over and over again in my mind. While I was doing this a waiter came by and put two glasses of water on the table.

Tony then got back to the booth. "I'm sorry about taking so long."

"No problem." I said as my knees began to bang together.

"Everything ok?"

"Yes….Yes I feel fine." I said as I fought to remain calm.

"China Doll, I been doing a lot of thinking of late. About what I want to do for the rest of my life. About what Michelle needs too. About the two of us too."

‘Oh boy, he is really going to do it.' I thought as my knees accelerated their pace.

"I've been doing a lot of honest soul searching over these questions. Many times I'd ask myself what my wife Lena would want me to do. I still love her and miss her so much."

Tony was on the verge of tears but afraid to show his emotions in public. "I know, Tony, Lena would want the best for you and Michelle."

"Yes, that's what I think too. I have been trying very hard to be a good parent, and to give Michelle a proper home."

"I know, Tony. We all have to do our best."

"Yes, but," Tony said as hesitated for a minute. My knees had slowed done a little but were still knocking one another. "You know with my job I'm just not home enough for Michelle. She needs a parent around."

"Tony you have to work to support Michelle. At least you have your parents to help."

"I suppose so, but I just think I'm not doing a good job as a father."

"You're a wonderful father to Michelle," I told Tony. "She totally worships you. That's the honest truth."

"Thanks, but I know Michelle needs more. China Doll I been thinking about all of us ever since the day you left for here. I miss you. Michelle misses you too."

The knee knocking went back into full swing. "I missed Michelle. She is a sweet girl."

"She loves you very much. I love you very much."

I just stared back at Tony. There was nothing for me to say yet. There was one thing that bothered me about where Tony was going. Did he really love me and want me to be his wife or was he just looking for a mother for Michelle? Right now I didn't have the answer, just like I didn't have the answer for the question I knew Tony would soon be asking.

"I love Michelle too," Then I paused for a moment. "She told me today at the mall that she wanted me to be her Mommy."

The look in Tony's eyes told me he knew this already. "It's three years and I still love my wife Lena so much."

"I know Tony. She'll always be a part of you."

"Yes, I know," Tony said still keeping his emotions in check. "Michelle reminds me so much of her mother. Every day I look at my daughter I see my wife. You must see that too in Brittney and Adam."

"Adam does look a lot like his father." I said to Tony. He still believed the cover story I gave about Jack McGee. He never once doubted it. Sometimes I felt guilty not being honest with this man.

"You know how I feel then. We still love Lena and Jack no matter what. It is so hard to just let them go."

I mulled the last words Tony had just said to me. Let him go. My life as Jack McGee and as a man was gone forever. It was over five years now, and I wasn't letting go to some of my thinking from that part of my life.

"It's time for me to move on. I'll never forget Lena, my love for her won't end. Michelle needs a stable life, one she'll be happy with. I love you Jeoun Cheung."

"I love you too." I said with my knees still banging like crazy. My hands were even shaking, so much so I was keeping them beneath the table so Tony didn't see how nervous I was.

"Will you marry me?"

There it was. Tony finally said the words I was expecting and fearing for almost the entire day. And I still waffled as to what to do. Funny, but right then my knees stopped banging together.

I was a woman named Jeoun or Julie Cheung. Physically I was all female. I have breasts, female genitalia, and a face and figure that swayed many a red blooded man. I was a mother, an actress, even an avid shoe collector and an eager shopaholic.

Then on the other hand there was my mind. You'd think after five years of living and being a woman my mind would be in sync with my body. Except it wasn't totally, I still maintained many male notions or prejudices.

Again I remembered what Tony said just moments ago. It was hard to let go of the past. I'd have to totally agree with that statement.

Tony just sat there quietly looking at me. If he was impatient, the man wasn't showing it. Time was ticking and at the moment it seemed like an eternity. Right now I wished a waiter would come over to our table to take our orders, ask what we wanted to drink. To ask for directions to the nearest Starbucks. Any thing to give me more time.

"Dear, Tony, can I ask you something?" I said as I finally broke the silence.

Tony smiled. "Anything, China doll."

"You aren't asking me just because you want a mother for Michelle?"

Tony smiled as he looked me straight in the eye. "I'd be lying if I didn't say part of why I asked was that I wanted Michelle to have a mother and a proper home life. But I do love you, Jeoun Cheung. Very much so."

I sat there motionless. Then I whispered. "Yes."

Tony's smile grew much bigger. He was grinning from ear to ear. "Yes, you want to marry me?"

"Yes, I want to marry you." Finally I got it out of me. I had made my decision. Tony then reached out across the table with his face. I met him halfway and we kissed for a moment.

That done Tony took a box out of his left hand jacket pocket. A diamond engagement ring was inside. He took the ring and slipped it onto my right hand. I marveled then not just at the ring on my finger but the decision I had just made. Getting married to Tony would be the most life altering event of my life other than when I let my ex-wife Linda talk me into using that alien box in 1997.

Tears then filled my eyes as Tony tapped my hand. The waiter then came up to the table. He was carrying a tray that held two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

"For the future bride and bridegroom." The waiter said cheerfully in accented English. He then placed the glasses on the table and prepared to uncork the bottle.

In a few months or before 2003 ended I would be Tony's bride. Married Korean women traditionally kept their family name after marriage. I'd be Mrs. Anthony Pastorelli. That was definitely something to cry about.

We didn't get back to my apartment that evening till shortly after 11 p.m. Tony and I spent over two hours in the restaurant. Dinner was delicious that night, Luigi's was known for its excellent veal dinners. Still I only picked at my meal. What had happened that day was so overwhelming. You could say I was in a state of shock.

Right after the waiter poured our champagne, he stepped back. Tony then raised his glass in order to make a toast.

"To us and many years of happily married life together." Then we clinked our glasses together. Right then and to our embarrassment, the waiter began applauding us.

Not just the waiter, half the restaurant or at least those seated next to us, started applauding also. Blushing, I got up from my seat and gave them a bow before sitting back down again.

Tony talked a lot that evening. A real lot. My acceptance of his marriage proposal had uncorked emotions, plans, desires the man had been keeping to himself. It was obvious Tony had given much thought towards our future together. OUR future, I, a former man, was about to become someone's wife and one day bear my husband's children. The night almost seemed like a dream.

Admittedly it was a very nice dream. A future not only involving Tony and I but Brittney, Adam and Michelle also. They were a very important part of the life Tony wanted to build with me.

"I'd like," Tony began saying after the waiter placed our salads on the table. "To adopt Adam and Brittney. I love them like they're my own children. I think you love Michelle too the same way."

"Yes, I love Michelle very much." I said as I began picking at my salad.

Tony smiled at me. "She loves you too. I want us to adopt each other's children. I promise to love Adam and Brittney as my own. We need the children to think of themselves all together as one family."

"Yes, you're right." I told Tony. Tony was doing most of the talking and I for the most part went along with what he was saying. Was I already becoming a subservient wife? No it wasn't that. I was just still in shock over what had unfolded that evening. The decision I had made in regards to my and Adam and Brittney's future lives. It hadn't been an easy one to make but I felt it was the right one.

There were much more important concerns or obligations than trying to appease my old male prejudices. Brittney and Adam needed a father, Michelle needed a mother. They needed a stable home life. I needed to not be so selfish; my children were the most important responsibility in my life.

I couldn't help but see the pluses for me too. Tony loved me very much and he was a wonderfully caring and gentle man. The loss of his wife Lena had scarred him tremendously but also taught him to cherish those he loved. That was it; he would cherish me and even spoil me. Was that so bad?

No it wasn't. I had to put Jack McGee behind me for once. That part of my life was gone and never would come back.

"I think Lena and Jack would approve of us adopting each other's children. Wouldn't they want them to have a Mom and Dad again?"

Tony was so right on both points. "Yes they would."

There were a lot more things Tony talked about that night. He almost seemed to have rehearsed them ahead of time. Maybe that's not right; he had just given our futures a great deal of thought. Smart man, he just didn't know how close I had come to saying no.

Tony did most of the talking as I slowly ate dinner. Once in a while I spoke up. "We'll need a bigger place."

"Yes I figured that."

"I can't get back out here till just before the wedding. We can live for a while where you are, can't we?" Tony asked.

"Yes, but it would be just a little tight."

We talked about where we would live. Seoul was the obvious preference. The reason being it was more convenient over Inchon both because of Adam and Brittney's school plus my work. Tony agreed with me.

Tony shared with me how he had already been talking with Korean Air about his becoming a pilot for that carrier. KAL had a history of hiring non-Korean pilots and had 737's the type of plane Tony was certified for in their fleet.

"If I apply, I am pretty certain they'll hire me."

"That's good. I hope you get it."

"If I don't there are other options," Tony said. "The nice thing with KAL is most of their 737 routes are to Japan or Mainland China. I'd be home most nights."

"Yes, that would be real good." I said with a giggle that brought a smile to Tony's face. Right then I wasn't sure if it was a happy or nervous giggle or both. See I knew what was ‘expected' most nights from a wife by her husband. Also was the one glass of champagne I had affecting my thinking?

Tony then commented. "Is dinner alright? You seem not to be eating much."

I was a little amused by my Tony's concern. The reason I was still picking at my meal while he was done, was the events of the night. "No, it's good. Just thinking of a lot of things. Us and the children."

"Ok, I understand now."

My work came up. Tony was supportive of my continuing as an actress. We really didn't have much choice, I was under contract for almost another two years plus I would be the principal breadwinner of the household. Though I did wonder how long this would last. Either from choice because of the tiring demands of my work or that actresses as they aged found it harder to keep regular work.

The next topics discussed were wedding plans, Tony and Michelle's move. A lot would have to be done in the upcoming months. As soon as I knew the summer shooting schedule for my soap opera, we'd schedule a date. At the moment I was guessing either late July or early August.

"We'll get married in a Catholic Church here in Seoul or do you want to do it back in the states?"

I thought for a few moments. That summer I would be wearing a white bridal gown. It seemed so incredible. "Maybe back in California, your family is there. We both have friends there too."

"Ok then. My parents can help with the arrangements too."

There was so much to discuss. That's why we were in the restaurant the better part of three hours. It would be easier talking things out now while Tony was here. Tomorrow he would be leaving for California and we'd probably not see each other again till just before the wedding.

Finally I finished eating my meal. The waiter asked if we would be interested in dessert. Tony ordered some ice cream.

"I'll pass." I told the waiter. Once the man was gone, Tony asked me why no dessert. "I got to watch my figure. Last month I gained a pound."

That got a good chuckle out of Tony. Then he made a suggestion. "Want another glass of champagne?"

The first one had already made me light headed and prone to giggling. I had to wonder what the second would do. At least neither of us was driving home. Then I giggled "Sure, why not."

When the dessert arrived, my future husband asked for the check to be brought. We then toasted to our marriage again. As we drank our champagne and Tony ate his ice cream, there was one last topic to come up.

"Jeoun, China doll, I love you."

"Love you too."

"I'd like us to have a family together."

It took a split second for me to realize Tony was meaning more than just Adam, Brittney and Michelle but our own children. It was just natural, your choice in spouse is the person you want to father or mother your children.

I had made the decision and as both Dr. Mandels used to advise me I stuck to it. There would be no looking back. "I'd like that too."

"Maybe one or two."

"Or two or three." I said and got a big smile in reply from Tony. Two or three children with Tony meant I'd be a mother to five or six children.

Tony and I talked some more of our plans while drinking champagne till the waiter brought the check. Then after settling the bill, Tony and I left the restaurant and began walking towards the subway station. As we did so we held each other's hands.

As we exited the restaurant, there was something I felt obligated to say. "Tony, I'm sorry about running away from you and Michelle. I was scared."

"Forget about it, China Doll. It don't matter anymore."

Seoul's subway system runs twenty-four hours a day though at night-time service is less frequent. When we got to the subway platform Tony and I found it deserted. It could be up to twenty minutes before the next train arrived.

By now I was feeling very light headed and was prone to giggling for no reason. Tony on the other hand had taken the champagne with little side effect.

I stood next to Tony, clinging to him or even hugging him. I felt so safe and loved while I was in his arms. The only noise that could be heard was the music played over the intercom system.

Tony was kissing my forehead while I continued to giggle. Then I don't know what got into me. "Let's dance."

"Dance?"

"Yes dance." I said taking up a pose. Other than the dance lessons I had taken about eighteen months previous, this was the first time I would dance since marrying Linda.

Tony finally took my cue. Following his lead, we began slowly waltzing around the platform. I was really giggling by now and I had also closed my eyes as I laid my head against Tony's chest.

Right then the music on the intercom changed to another song. American pop music was popular in South Korea. It was an Anne Murray song and it couldn't have been more appropriate.

I'll always remember the song they were playin',
The first time we danced and I knew,
As we swayed to the music and held to each other,
I fell in love with you.

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

I'll always remember that magic moment,
When I held you close to me.
'Cause we moved together, I knew forever,
You're all I'll ever need

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

When the chorus repeated, Tony began to sing the song to me. "Could I have this dance for the rest of my life…."

It was almost like a dream to me there out on the platform. I was a woman, mother and in arms of the man I loved. So I joined in singing also. At least the best I could under the influence of those two glasses of champagne I had.

Like all good things, there had to be an ending. The music was still playing and Tony and I were still dancing when an elderly man came down the stairs to the platform. Embarrassed by what we were doing, we immediately ended our dance and went back to hugging each other. Two minutes later the subway train arrived.

Fifteen minutes later Tony and I arrived home. We first thanked the babysitter who then departed for the evening. We then went to wake the children.

Earlier that night we had decided to share our news with Adam, Brittney and Michelle that evening. With Tony and his daughter leaving the next day, tonight would be the last chance to tell them all together. We had no doubts the children would share our joy.

On opening the bedroom door, we found all three children sound asleep. The apartment was so tiny, Brittney and Adam shared a bedroom together. At least they got along for the most part. Tonight Michelle was sharing a bed with Brittney. The young girl was curled up in a ball as she hugged a pink elephant doll I had bought for Michelle during her visit to South Korea.

Michelle was so precious. It was a real Kodak moment. I didn't have it in my heart to wake the children. So Tony and I tiptoed out of the room but first we checked on each of our children to make sure they were tightly tucked in bed that cold night.

"What do we do now?" Tony asked in a whisper even though we were out of the bedroom now.

I don't know if it was the effects of the champagne, curiosity, or just final acceptance of my new lot in life that made me say next to Tony. "I got some plumbing I'd like you to check out."

"Plumbing?" Tony asked as he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, plumbing." I told my future husband as I unzipped his pants fly and then put my hand inside.

Tony immediately got my message. We then retired to the bedroom where I got undressed in near record time for Tony was still in his underwear when I hopped onto the bed wearing nothing but my birthday suit.

While I waited for Tony, I wondered if I should be thankful for the gender change Linda had given to me. For I would get a loving spouse and another child as a result of it. I was grateful that Linda had allowed me to grow some pubic hair. For when I emerged from the machine I didn't have the bush all women grow through the process of pubarche. How I would have explained 'being shaved' to Tony was beyond me.

Finally Tony got rid of his last bit of clothing as I giggled in anticipation. The first thing I got to see was his bare behind. It was a nice behind. Then Tony turned around. My husband to be was a well hung man for right now his penis was at full size.

"He's a big boy. Let's make love now." I told Tony as I continued to giggle. He then climbed in bed, lying over the top of me, I then spread my legs wide in anticipation. Nothing was holding me back now. Foreplay was the last thing on my mind. I was a woman in lust for the man I loved. There was no place I rather have been at that moment.

The big moment came. I winced from the pain as Tony had penetrated me and in the process tearing my hymen. I was no longer a virgin as far as men went. My man wrapped his arms around me as we began our horizontal dance.

While Tony stroked my vagina with his penis, I ran my hands over his back. Quietly exhorting him to make ferocious love to me. I wanted nothing more to soak in his testosterone. Have his penis fill me up and one day have his child.

Jack McGee was gone. Jeoun Cheung soon to be Jeoun Pastorelli would live on. Wife to Tony. Mother to Adam, Brittney, Michelle and however many children God granted us.

Tony's lovemaking tempo was picking up and with it the strength of his penis. He would be going shortly and I was more than eager for the moment. Then it happened, Tony's penis began to press inside me very hard and I could feel sperm pouring inside me. I may not have climaxed but I felt complete. My manly future husband had made love to me.

A few moments before Tony's sperm poured into me, there was one last outburst from Jack McGee. Probably due to the champagne I had drank.

"Fire in the hole!" I yelled.

"What?"

"I love you." I said as I began to laugh but that emotion turned to joy as Tony began to climax inside of me.

Moments later Tony was laying flat on his back next to me in bed. I was cuddling up close to him. Later on Tony confided to me this had been the first time he had made love since Lena had died. This was the first time I had heterosexual sex too since my marriage ended. Except I was now the woman instead of the man.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," Tony said as he kissed my forehead and ran his left hand down my back. "Want me to wake Michelle and we go back to the hotel?"

"No stay here please. I love you."

"Love you too." Then before we retired to bed for the evening, I got up and made sure the alarm clock was set. That accomplished I went to sleep that night in Tony's arms. As I closed my eyes, I remembered two lines from that Anne Murray song again.

Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.

Yes Tony's love feels so right.

The next morning the alarm clock went off at 6 a.m. The first thing I wanted to do was test if time would fly. That is if I threw the alarm clock out the window. I had a pounding headache/hangover from the night before. Now I knew my limit as far as alcohol intake went.

If I had regrets over my drinking last night, I had none in regards to the lovemaking Tony and I had shared. I was a woman after all and later that year Tony would be my husband.

I kissed Tony before climbing out of bed. "We have to get up now. I've got to get breakfast going and wake up Adam and Brittney for school."

"I'll be right behind you." Tony told me. Then I made a visit to the bathroom before heading to the kitchen. A few moments later Tony joined me there as we got set up for breakfast. After starting some toast, I went to the other bedroom to wake the children.

Adam, Brittney and Michelle were seated at our small dining table some minutes later. Cereal, toast and milk were waiting for them. But first Tony and I had our news to share. We decided to do it standing up while Tony and I held each other's hand.

"We have some news to share." I told the children. All three immediately looked up from their food. I could almost see it in their eyes. They knew the news Tony and I were about to tell them. Later on Brittney would tell me she had seen the diamond ring on my hand and immediately knew what that meant.

"Michelle, Adam, Brittney," Tony began saying. "We are all going to be a family. Your mother and I are going to get married."

Right then Brittney said. "That's so cool!"

Adam began clapping.

But the moment I remember best was Michelle jumping from her seat and running over to hug me. "I love you, Mommy."

I hadn't planned to do it but later that morning I joined Tony and Michelle for the ride to the airport. To say I was glowing from the events of the last twenty-four hours would have been an understatement.

The children were all so happy for the news we'd given them and Tony and I shared their happiness. Adam, Brittney and Michelle would soon have both the mother and father they needed.

On the limo ride to the airport Michelle chewed my ear off literally. She talked about what she would be doing back in California when her father and she got back home. There was also talk about how happy she was to have a brother, sister and most of all a Mommy now.

I felt a little guilty about the latter. Michelle had never seen her biological mother, and I preferred if she would still remember Lena in some small way. Some other time Tony and I would talk this over.

As for Tony, he seemed to relish the mother-daughter bonding going on in the car and remained mostly quiet. We did talk a bit, mostly about my return to work next week and where my soap opera character Kia was going in regards to Spring Day's storylines.

Soon the car pulled up outside International terminal two at Inchon airport. The driver came around and opened the car doors for all of us. While Tony got a baggage porter and helped the driver empty the trunk, Michelle and I stood holding each other's hands on the curbside.

"I'm going to miss you, Mommy."

Michelle always had a way of pulling my heartstrings. To an adult six months wasn't long, but to a pre-schooler it seemed like an eternity. "I'm going to miss you too precious. Till we see each other again you have to make me a promise."

"I will."

"You have to promise Mommy that you'll take care of Daddy for me."

"I promise, Mommy."

Tony was done getting our bags onto a luggage cart. The porter was standing nearby waiting for the father and daughter to enter the terminal for check-in. Because of tight security, only ticketed passengers were allowed in the terminal.

"We're all set," Tony said to me. "How about you, Princess?"

"Me too." Michelle said.

Then Tony took me into his arms and we began to kiss. I didn't care who was looking. I loved this man and he was leaving today. It would be months before we saw each other again. So I gave no heed to the Korean custom of not showing such affection publicly.

Our kiss was just ending when some light went off. I didn't notice it but Tony did. "China Doll, someone just snapped our photo."

I smiled just before having one more kiss with Tony. "Who cares!"

Saying goodbye was a tough time for all of us. We were all going to miss one another. At least that summer I'd be joined in matrimony with Tony. We'd then have the rest of our lives together then.

After hugging me one last time, Michelle had something to say to me. "I want a baby sister."

This caused both Tony and I to laugh. "Precious I think that will have to wait a little bit."

"Ok."

"Call me as soon as you get home." I told Tony and we then shared one last short kiss.

"Will do. Love you."

"Love you too." Then we separated. I just stood on the curb and watched Tony and Michelle then enter the terminal. Once they did I went back to the limo. The driver was there and he opened the door for me so I could step inside.

I would spend most of the trip back to Seoul crying. All I could think of was how blessed I was to have Michelle and Tony now. I would miss them both terribly in the months ahead.

The next morning I was sitting at the dinner table. Both Brittney and Adam were already off to school and I was drinking tea and reading the local newspaper when an article and photo caught my eye.

Soap Star engaged to American?
By Lee Mi Na

According to sources, soap opera actress Cheung Jeoun became engaged to an unnamed American the other night. Miss Cheung a widowed mother of two young children was seen several times during the last week in the company of an American man. I attempted to contact Miss Cheung but she was unavailable for comment.

The Inchon born actress till seven months ago had lived and worked in California United States. My source says this is where Ms. Cheung met her fiancée. He is supposed to also be a widower and has a young pre-school age daughter.

Below the article was a photo of Tony and me kissing at Inchon airport. Now I knew who the cameraman was. The one thing I hated most about being an actress was the lack of privacy in my life. I often felt cursed by it, why couldn't I just be a normal person? It was a cost of fame but sometimes I felt the price was too high.

Putting down the paper, I began to cry. I really could have of used Tony now. This article just reinforced how much I missed him and Michelle.

My cellphone began to ring. "Jeoun Cheung."

"Is it true?" Asked Song. Her voice was full of excitement.

"Yes, Anthony and I are going to marry."

Song became more excited. "When, when?"

"Don't know yet. Probably sometime this summer, " I said before pausing for a few moments."Song would you like to be a bridesmaid?"

"Oh yes, please. I want to." It gladdened my heart that Song shared my joy. Over the last few months we had grown to think of ourselves as sisters.

"Then we're all set."

"Can I buy you lunch today? I'd like to hear about everything."

I had nothing planned for that January day, so my answer came quickly. "Yes, I'd like that. Where do you propose we eat?"

January 26th 2003

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Greeting from Seoul. How are you and your husband? Did you have a nice Hanukkah? I felt like writing another letter and hope you don't mind hearing from me twice in such a short time.

As I stated, I have no regrets in deciding to marry Tony. He loves me, I love him. The children love him and Tony wants to adopt them. He's taken Brittney and Adam into his heart as I have Michelle. The children get two parents and stability. I get a husband and the stability that comes with it. All I wish right now was the six months till my wedding day would speed up. I'm missing Tony and Michelle something fierce. We are talking every two to three days but it isn't the same as having them here.

Maybe it's good we have this time to prepare for the wedding and everything. So much needs to be done, a move for Tony and Michelle has to be prepared, and I need a bigger apartment or even better a house for all of us. There is the matter of Tony's work; he is hoping to go to work for KAL. Of course there are all the other things needing to be done for the wedding.

This weekend two of my co-workers and closest friends, Li Sok-Hyu and Oh Song Lee will go shopping with me as I look for a wedding dress. Sok Hyu knows a very good bridal gown maker, her best friend had used the same woman and Sok said the gown was beautiful. I'm looking forward to this important task but like so much else that's happened lately it may almost feel like some dream.

Can I ask some parenting advice? I'm going to be on break from the television show again in April. I'd like to take the children to California and visit Tony and Michelle. The only flaw is Adam and Brittney would have to miss time from school.

Do you think this is advisable to take the children out of school? Give me your opinion on this.

I've written yo quite a bit of late and hope I haven't bored you. Please write back at your convenience.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung or the future Mrs. Anthony Pastorelli

April 13, 2003

Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dear Doctor,

It was so good to speak to you on the phone last week. I wish we had more opportunities to do this but I'm so glad to hear you and your husband will be at the wedding in July. You have both meant so much to me over the last five plus years.

Thank you for letting me know what happened to Linda and her arrest after a traffic stop. I have written the judge and prosecutor in Virginia to ask that the child abandonment charges from 1997 be dropped.

I wrote the letters for two reasons. First and most importantly, I don't want Adam and Brittney to relive what Linda did to them. If a trial were to take place, my children would certainly have to appear in court.

Second, my accepting Tony's marriage proposal, I've let go of all my past as Jack McGee with the exception of the children. That chapter in my life is closed, and I have decided to forget any hard feelings I still have from it.

Adam, Brittney and I are safely back in the ROK. The children go back to school today and I return to Spring Day also. I wrote this letter over the weekend and will be mailing it today. Enclosed are some photos from our recent visit to California. I hope you like them. Don't we all look like a family?

It was so good to see Michelle and Tony again. The next three months were made a lot easier thanks to this visit.

Wedding preparations are picking up now. The date is set as you know, July 26th a Saturday at Our Lady Queen of Angels Catholic Church in Newport Beach. Tony and I want the children to have an important part in the
service and to share our happiness. Michelle will be our ring bearer, Adam one of two best men, and Brittney a bridesmaid.

Tony and I are going to honeymoon in Europe for three weeks. One week in London, one in Paris and one week in Rome. While we are gone, the Pastorellis will take care of the children.

My work is being very kind. Without me asking, they are giving me two more weeks off. Tony will be moving here two weeks after our honeymoon ends, and he starts at KAL in early September.

So much to do and so much going on. It's overwhelming at times but I'm incredibly excited for Tony, I and the children. Till next time.

Sincerely,

Jeoun Cheung

"Mom is it all right if I come in?" Brittney asked on the morning of my wedding day, July 26th.

It was 9 a.m. and I was already preparing for the big day. The site of my wedding day preparations was the home of Estelle Drevinsky. They were very kind to offer the use of their house for the big day.

Right then I was seated in a front of a french walnut ladies vanity mirror and table in the Drevinky's master bedroom. Assorted makeup, hair brushes, and perfume there for me to pick and use.

Brittany came right over and gave me a big hug. "Aunt Song called to say she was on the way."

"Thank you," I told Brittany as I returned my daughter's hug. Adam wasn't at the Drevinsky house that morning. He was with at the home of Tony's parents. That's where the father and son were getting ready for the big day.

"Need my help?"

"Always Princess, but I think your Mom is getting the hang of makeup finally. What do you think?"

Brittney smiled and gave me a thumbs up. "You look pretty, Mom."

The biggest day of my female life was just beginning. I had eaten a small breakfast that morning, and didn't anticipate having anything else till the wedding reception. Which was probably good because of the butterflies flying around my stomach as Brittney and I talked.

When Mary Pastorelli, Tony's oldest sister, told me just how involved the preparations for the wedding would be I was surprised. There were rituals the Pastorelli family and Italian-Ameicans undertook as part of the celebration.

"Didn't do any of these when you married Jack?" Mary asked me back in April.

"No, when I got married, we followed Korean customs."

Mary smiled. "Duh, I should have thought of that. You'll enjoy what we do too."

"I will enjoy what you plan for me too."

The bedroom was becoming like a train station. People going in and out. I wanted to say something to Brittney alone, and was finding it increasingly difficult to do it.

Finally we got time about an hour before I'd have to leave for the church. An already exhausted Michelle, asleep on the nearby bed. My newest daughter tired from the excitement.

Brittney was the first to speak. She did so in Korean. "Mom, will you and Dad have a baby too?"

"Yes, Princess, that's the plan your father and I have. If God lets us."

"That will be so cool. You will be a Mom and a Dad."

"Princess, its a long time since I was your father. That life is gone, I'd like us, and that includes your brother Adam, to be the family we are now, not what it was long ago."

"All right, Mom. I love you." Brittney and I then shared a hug. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you. I'm glad you like it."

Song walked in about then. "I didn't interupt?"

"No, Song, Brittney and I are finished."

Before leaving for the church, I confided to Song. "Tony and Michelle deserve someone better than me."

"Why do you say that?"

"I ran away from them when I came to Korea last September."

"Yes, but you came back. That is what matter."

"Maybe. I'll be the best wife and mother I can to them."

It was 3 p.m. in the afternoon and the big moment had finally arrived. I was about to be joined in holy matrimony with Anthony Michael Pastorelli.

"Ready?" Asked Walter Drevinsky. He and his wife Estelle had introduced me to Tony. I thought it was only right to ask Mr. Drevinsky to be the one to give away the bride.

"Yes." I said. Surprisingly I wasn't really nervous right then. Then I took Walter's arm as we waited for our cue.

The cue was the organist beginning to play the wedding march. Officially the wedding ceremony now began as Mr. Drevinsky led me into the church.

Every one of the one hundred eighty or so people in Our Lady of Angels was standing as I processed into the church. Every set of eyes focused on me. None could see I was smiling; a veil was covering my face as Mr. Drevinsky began to lead me down the aisle.

I was learning that day that wearing a wedding dress is not very comfortable. My feet were in shoes a half size too tight; a girdle was squeezing my already thin figure tighter like some grizzly bear. I swore I was wearing so much makeup that hatever company produced it must have had their stock double after the cosmetician who prepared me for today bought it. Still I smiled through it all. I was going to marry my Tony today.

As I was led down the aisle I occasionally nodded at some of the people present. Tony's family outnumbered my friends by some eight or nine to one that day. That was mostly because only one McGee family members was there for obvious reasons and also that Italians tended to have large extended families.

The crowd could have been bigger but about sixty people hadn't been able to attend for one reason or another. Most of these had sent gifts instead.

A few good friends were there. Among them the Mandels, Avram and Ilana plus their daughter Esther. Avram was wearing a yarmulke which was customary for a male of the Jewish faith whenever they were in a place of worship.

P was there that day. Leslie Banks too, she along with Amy Chen had helped organize my bachelorette party that had been held for me the night before. Standing next to Leslie was her two-year-old son Maximillian.

The night before while I and my friends got silly and a little tipsy at the bacholerette party, I noticed Leslie wasn't drinking. She then shared her news with me. Leslie was nine weeks pregnant with twins. I am so happy for her.

"I'm happy too for you and the children. Adam and Brittney want a father again, I think you found a good one." Leslie told me.

"How's Esther?"

Eighteen months earlier, Leslie had met Esther Choi a Korean-American who worked on capital hill. Leslie and Esther had begun living together about the same time I got my offer to join Spring Day's cast.

"She's just great and sends her love. Esther was sorry she couldn't be here and finally meet you."

"Tell her no problem, her father is more important." Esther's father had suffered a heart attack three days earlier.

On the other side of the aisle were Tony's maternal grandparents, the Maneros. The couple was in their eighties and in robust health. They had flown all the way in from Yonkers New York for the wedding. Grandpa or Anthony Manero was the person my Tony was named after. I had met them for the first time two day ago and had been warmly welcomed as a new member of the family. Both Grandparents sharing my and their grandson's joy.

In fifty years I hoped to be like Tony's grandparents. Married and in attendance as one of our grandchildren got married.

All of Tony's family I met in the days preceding the wedding had welcomed me with open arms. I was a very un-Italian bride but this mattered little to my husband's family. I loved their Tony and for that I would considered one of their own.

A flashbulb then went off. Two photographers and one video cameraman were there to record the ceremony for Tony and I. One camera man was from the KoreAM magazine. After some discussion, Tony and I had decided to let one press organization cover our wedding. I was certain the pictures and news of the day would filter their way back to Seoul.

Then for a split second I thought of my ex-wife Linda again. I wondered what she would have thought if she learned what I was doing that day. Then the thought passed.

One thing I couldn't help notice was Tony's family. I had met some of them in the run-up to the wedding but most I hadn't. They were all so Italian looking, just like my Tony. I mean a family photo of those in attendance would have looked like central casting for the Sopranos or a fourth Godfather movie.

In the very front left row of the church were Tony's parents and in between them Michelle. My daughter was dressed all in white. Michelle who would be today's ring bearer, waved at me as I approached.

Finally there was Tony. He was handsomely dressed in a tux and tails. He smiled broadly as I approached. To his right or my left were the two best men, My son Adam and Tony's best friend, David White. Like the groom, they wore matching tuxes also.

On the right were my bridesmaids. All dressed in pink and each carrying a small bouquet of flowers were my sister Karen Hoyer who was my maid of honor. Oh Song Lee and my Brittney were my other bridesmaids.

I finally reached the front of the church. Chairs and kneelers had been placed up front for me, Tony and our wedding party. Mr. Drevinsky let go of my arm and then stepped away. A moment later Tony was standing beside me.

In less than an hour I'd be a married woman. Jeoun Cheung Pastorelli or Mrs. Anthony Pastorelli. Both names had a nice ring to them.

The morning after Tony and Michelle arrived in Seoul, my husband had something to give to me. "Estelle said this arrived about two weeks ago."

I took a look at the envelope that was addressed to me care of the Asian Playhouse back in Irvine California. My ex-wife Linda had written me a letter.

"Is that from who I think it is?" Tony asked.

"Yes, it is." Tony never inquired about what Linda had written me about.

I read the letter later on in the day when I had some privacy.

Dear Jeoun,

How are you? How are Adam and Brittney? I hope this mail finds all of you in good health.

I hear you are an actress now. All I say is that it don't surprise me. Anything you put your mind to as Jack, you always excelled at. I am certain that applies to you being mother to Brittney and Adam also.

Thank you for your help in my recent legal matter. You will be glad to know all I will have to do is some community service. My attorney and the prosecutor are finalizing a plea deal.

Jeoun, this is going to sound lame after five years have come and gone, but I want to apologize for my actions in 1997. Especially to Adam and Brittney. I panicked that December day. Pure and simple and no one else is at fault but myself. I also take blame for pushing that machine on you and not listening to your concerns after what happened.

I put the letter down for a few moments. Linda was at fault, but so was I for the breakup of our marriage. If I hadn't reacted so angrily, Brittney and Adam might still have their biological mother in their lives today.

I'd like to say this in person to all of you, if you have it in your heart to let me. I still love you, Jeoun, that goes for Adam and Brittney also. Too much time has passed for us to come together again I'm sure, but I wish all of you happiness.

Please write me back. I've enclosed shorter letters to Adam and Brittney and hope you will let our children read what I have to say.

Your ex-wife,

Linda

September 12th, 2003
To Dr. Ilana Mandel
Georgetown University

Dear Doctor,

I got your email two days ago and am replying back by snail mail so I could enclose some photos from my and Tony's honeymoon. We hope you and Avram enjoy them.

Tony and I had a wonderful time. We even managed to see a few of the sights in London, Paris and Rome. At the end we were happy to come back home so to start life as a family with Michelle, Adam and Brittney.

The last few weeks have been hectic, but Tony and Michelle are here now. Today was Michelle's first day in pre-school. She is eager to learn Korean. Tony starts at KAL on Wednesday. He has to undergo some company training before he begins flying. This takes forty-five days.

The apartment here is very cramped but this is a temporary situation. Three days ago Tony and I saw a home near Seoul's Olympic Stadium. Three floors, five bedrooms, it has central air and a/c and a small backyard. The house is similar to a Brooklyn brownstone, or at least that's what Tony says.

Anyway it's perfect for us but very expensive. Nearly five million US, these type of big homes are rare here. We made an offer yesterday but the owner is away. We should be hearing something shortly.

Guess I will continue acting for a while to finance this house. I'm tendering a few movie offers too so as to bring in some extra cash.

I got a letter from Linda and have enclosed a copy. Yes I accept her apology, but obviously our marriage is over. If Linda had written this three years, I don't know. Maybe I would have set aside all the hard feelings so Adam and Brittney could have their Linda in their lives again.

As Linda asked, I tried reading the letters to the children. Adam has only the vaguest recollection of Linda or what happened in 1997. Those memories used to be kept alive by Brittney, but she hasn't reminded Adam of her in ages.

In Brittney's case, she threw her hands over her ears when I tried reading the letter Linda addressed to her personally. Brittney says I'm her only Mom ever. She refuses to acknowledge Linda, and some of my actions are the cause of this.

I'm going to write Linda back. She would like to meet us, but I got mixed feelings only because I am a married woman now.

Tony and I are trying very hard for an addition to our family. My body is about thirty years of age biologically (While I'm really older) so we decided not to waste time. No success so far, but I don't think it will take too long. Those machines have been known to make their female users very fertile among other things.

That's about all the time I have to write. Give my love to your husband and please write back.

Sincerely,

Jeoun C Pastorelli

January 20th, 2004

To Dr. Avram Mandel
Georgetown University

Dr. Mandel,

Forgive me for not writing for some time. I did get Ilana's snail mail last September in regards to my wedding pictures plus the Christmas card you sent. Thank you for these. Now I thought I'd bring both of you up to date.

Enclosed are some photos of me, the children and Tony. Feel free to share them with your wife Ilana. Same goes for the letter. Give her a kiss for me also.

Life is good here for me and the family. Tony is flying for Korean air now as I told you before. He is a co-pilot on 737's and mostly flies routes between Seoul/Kimpo airport and Japan. The nice thing about this is that Tony is home most nights.

The children are all doing well. Michelle is picking up more and more Korean with every day. She's still attending pre-school. I really love this child, and she loves me back without question. We've built a bond like a bio mother and daughter would have. I sincerely believe this. It's really been a wonderful experience; words don't describe how it feels to
me.

Brittany will be a teenager next year and is beginning to act like one already! No big problems, just some teenage angst. Adam is the captain of his school basketball team. He takes after his father in regards to that
sport. Both Adam and Brittney are doing well in school grade wise. They have become fluent in Korean and have many friends. Do I sound like a bragging mother?

I'm still acting of course. Right now I'm writing from Guam where I'm shooting a movie while on break from Spring Day. The movie is a re-telling of the Korean Air 801 crash from 1997. I play one of the flight attendants who survived that horrific event. My character is the main female lead in the movie. To accommodate Spring Day, my scenes are all being shot in a three week period including ten days on location here in Guam.

Now I'll be perfectly frank. I'm growing weary of the demands or time I have to put into my acting career. My soap runs forty out of the fifty-two weeks there are in a year, with three four week breaks. While filming I often have to put in twelve to fourteen hour days. It is all tremendously tiring. I'm not ungrateful for what this career has provided me, a home, plenty of money in the bank, stability, and even Tony. It's just I don't know how much longer I can do this.

That has made me look into other alternatives. Like possibly hosting a talk show. There is a Seoul television channel interested in me doing exactly that. We're just in the preliminary stages of talking, no decision has been made. Many details from my salary to the frequency of the show would have to be worked out.

I'm really serious about quitting acting or at least cutting back on it sharply. There is another reason for this. I'm pregnant; my due date is next July 17th. That's about fourteen weeks pregnant right now. That's at the beginning of the second trimester. I'm sorry not to have told you or Ilana earlier.

Right now I'm feeling wonderful physically. I had only one minor incident of morning sickness. If you looked at me till a week or two ago, you'd have no clue as to my pregnancy. That's starting to change just about now. My pants are almost all way too tight. I'm already shopping for maternity clothes. Guam has been a bonanza for me in finding these clothes.

How am I taking being pregnant mentally wise? I am happy, delighted, and many more adjectives about being pregnant. There is nothing I'd rather be now than an expectant mother. Carrying a child for the man I love, my darling husband Tony.

Right now I feel tremendously blessed. Tony is just one blessing My children, Michelle, Brittney and Adam are three more. Plus this child, boy or girl, on the way is another. Words don't do justice to how I feel. A few days ago I felt this quiver inside me for the first time. It has to be my boy or girl. I'm carrying a life inside me, made from the love Tony and I share. I look forward to every day of this pregnancy up to and including having my and Tony's child.

Back when you first began seeing me you said. "We have to all make decisions in our lives. Once made we have to live with them the best we can." That can't be truer for me today. I want to be a mother, a biological mother to a child. That was the decision I made when saying yes to his marriage proposal of a year ago. Then I said I do last July when Tony and I married. I am not looking back.

When I gave Tony the news, he was beside himself. Delirious with joy, he whisked me up into the air in front of the children. Adam asking "Daddy what are you doing to Mom?" Tony and I shared our good news and the children are excited for their new sibling.

Tony has been spoiling me rotten also ever since. I am basking in this love from my husband. If I have a complaint, it's that Tony is fiercely protective of me more than ever now. I know that has to do with the pain and circumstances of his wife Lena's death. These emotions and worries Tony has are understandable in my opinion.

The producers of my show know I'm pregnant but have no clue about my thoughts of leaving. They are making accommodations for my work schedule and for maternity leave, and I think they are writing my pregnancy into Kia's storyline. This is all well and good but my contract runs out on September 30th of this year. I don't think I'm renewing or if I do I just want to be just a recurring character.

Another part of my thinking is I want a break. A break from my celebrity status. Two years of being a star without much privacy has become very tiring mentally. I'd like some of my privacy back. I'd just like to be Tony's wife and mother to four children.

So I got more decisions to make shortly. Doctor you taught me right, I'll make them and not look back. I've made so many of late and every one a good one. The decision in regards to my work will be no different.

I wrote Linda back like I said I would. Haven't heard anything back. I'm inclined to close that chapter in my life for good now.

By the way I'm still keeping that journal, just much less frequently. It really helps to think things out by writing sometimes. Our letters I also find valuable and I appreciate you and Ilana taking the time to stay in touch.

I guess I've written long enough. Are you and Ilana still coming to Asia this summer on vacation? I'd really like to have a sit down with the both of you. Just the three of us, Tony doesn't know anything about my life as Jack McGee. He never will if I can help it. I would like both of you to have dinner with the whole family also. Let me know what your summer plans are.

Doctor thank you as always. Give my love to Ilana. Till next time.

Sincerely,

Jeoun C Pastorelli

I just finished reading my journal covering the last seven years, when the sound of the front door open being opened could be heard. My guess was that Michelle and Adam had stopped playing and had come inside.

It was July 1st today and it was a blistering hot day in Seoul. Other than some back pain, I was feeling wonderful. At this time I am in my thirty seventh week of pregnancy.

Just this morning I had my latest OB visit with Dr. Park. The thirty-seven week checkup had been an unexceptional one and I was told to come back in a week.

Tony was working today, having flown or co-piloted a flight to Taipei that morning. He hated missing my appointments, but it wasn't always possible to synchronize our schedules. I did however get to talk to him briefly just an hour ago. Tony would be sleeping at home tonight.

Other than that I feel fine if a little nervous about the upcoming childbirth I would endure. It is just first time mother jitters, pretty normal from what I learned from talking to other Moms. The reward of my and Tony's son Anthony Michael Jr. being born would be worth the temporary pain I'd have to endure at childbirth.

There was the Korean custom of a mother staying in bed for up to a month after child birth. This was so I could rebuild my Kai, or life energy. Tony's parents would be arriving on July 6th to help their son and I out.

Right now I was on break from my work and wouldn't be returning till late August. After some negotiation, Spring Day has re-worked my schedule. I would continue acting but at an easier schedule. Accommodations were being made for me and Anthony Jr. so I'd have my son there on the set with me every day. I may still quit acting in a few years, but right now we needed the money for the house my family all shared.

Adam and Brittney then entered the den. As they did, I turned around in my chair to see my children. I was greatly surprised to see they had brought something inside.

"Look Mom," Adam said to me. Michelle was along side him. "We found another one."

My eyes immediately focused on the object lying on the floor next to my children. It was another one of those black boxes!

"Adam, Michelle, go to your room right now."

"But Mom…."

"I said go to your rooms!" I said raising my voice to Adam and Michelle. This was something I rarely did. Both children were seldom in need of discipline but they weren't spoiled either. Adam and Michelle then complied with my orders but left the box where they had put it.

For a minute I just stared at the box. Six years earlier I would have wanted one of these machines more than anything in the world. Now I had no further use for it. Today I am a happily married woman and mother.

I made my decision quickly. This box had to be discarded immediately. I didn't want the children fooling with it, I was already aware of the dangers of using it. Nor did I want Tony seeing it. Unlike my ex-wife Linda, I had no same sex fantasies or desires. Not anymore.

So I bent down and picked the box up carefully. Then I made my way to the front door. Today was the perfect day to dispose of it. It was trash pickup day and I could hear the truck somewhere very near by.

After placing the box outside I went back into my home and took a seat by the front window. It gave me the perfect vantage point to watch for the garbage truck. While I waited I went into the file directory of my computer. I deleted both my journal and all letters I had written to Dr. Mandel. This should have been earlier for I never want Tony to learn my true past.

A few minutes later the truck arrived. The men picked up all our garbage, including the box. Then the truck moved on.

"Good Riddance." I said as I got up from my chair. Feeling hungry, I waddled my way to the kitchen. It was time for some Swiss chocolates.

The End