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FOR LOVE AND MONEY
By Roni

I shot up in bed shaking from the cold sweat that was running down my head, I looked around but nothing looked familiar, except the room itself. I threw off the sheets and sat up in my bed letting my legs hand over the edge. As my feet hit the floor it didn’t feel right something was off but what? I got up and staggered to the bathroom, had I gotten drunk last night? I tried to remember what I had done yesterday but could not remember in fact I could not remember anything! I reached the bathroom and fumbled for the light switch finally finding it I turned on the light and walked in. I felt weak nauseous like I was going to throw up, I reached the toilet and lifted the lid and seat but nothing came out. I lowered the seat and yanked my underwear down and sat down. I peed and then wiped myself; something again didn’t feel right but what?

I lifted my underwear seeing that I was wearing pink panties! Not only that but I was wearing a pink baby-doll nightie as well! I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection, I was a pretty blond girl about twenty but that could not be right! I could have sworn that I was a guy, a man! I examined my face, it was smooth and soft and I had beautiful high cheek bones that gave my face a sexy supermodel look and my lips were full and pouty and I could just make out the remnants of the lipstick that I had worn the day before. I shook my head feeling my hair sway from side to side and then settle on my shoulders. It was long and the ends of my hair rested gently on my breasts. My breasts? I reached up and cupped them feeling how they filled my hands, this could not be right! I walked back to the bedroom and sat on the bed, “Think, this can’t be right!” I said to myself hearing my sexy voice. I got up off the bed and turned on the light and looked around, it was definitely my room I thought but I could not remember what it was supposed to look like.

The bed had pink and white sheets on it and I could see the accent pillows sitting on the chair beside the bed along with several stuffed animals. I walked over and picked up a cute white teddy bear and held it close to me. I felt memories flood my mind; I had gotten this bear from my daddy when I was ten. It was for my birthday as well I had gotten a pair of diamond earrings from him. I reached up and touched my earlobe feeling the earrings that were in it. I continued to look around my room, the vanity in the other corner looked familiar but I could not place where I had seen it before. I walked over to it and sat down on the chair feeling the vanity, again memories flooded my mind. Daddy had bought it for me, I was twelve and he and mommy had just given me permission to wear makeup I was so happy. I smiled at the memories but quickly stopped, these were not my memories, they couldn’t be I was a man!

I looked over to the big three-way mirror that was standing by the closet door and memories of me standing there modeling my grad dress flashed into my mind. The dress was strapless and I remembered how mommy had tightened my corset so that my breasts would stand out more and how excited I was to be wearing such a sexy feminine garment as the corset. Again I smiled only to frown, “These are not my memories!” I said forcefully only to be shocked at how sexy my voice really was. The words came out more like I was singing them rather than speaking them. “Ugh what is wrong with me?” I said to myself, “It’s all just a dream, and I will wake any minute now!” I said but nothing happened. Frustrated I grabbed my robe and put it on leaving my room.

Standing in the hall I looked around, I remembered the house, this was my house! I had bought it right after my divorce, “That’s it; I’m divorced so there has to be some evidence of it in my safe!” I said and ran down to the den to check it out. I slid open the doors to the den and turned on the light but it all looked wrong, or did it? I was so confused. I knew the safe was hidden in the wall behind the picture of the sailboats. I looked around but I didn’t see that picture but I did see a portrait of me, well at least the me that I was now! I gently lifted it up off the wall and was rewarded by seeing the safe door; I lowered the portrait to the floor and reached for the safe door. I was too short; I could have sworn that I was taller when I had it installed! But then again I could have sworn that I was a guy too! I slid over a chair and stood on it.

I rubbed my fingers together and started to work the combination, 36-24-36 I smiled remembering that I had created it to remind me of my now ex-wife’s measurements or was it to remind me of the measurements that I wanted to have? I shook my head and tried the handle, it moved and the safe opened up. I reached in and pulled out everything that was in it and placed it on the desk. I quickly opened up the fire proof box, the divorce papers had to be there! I read the first paper it was my Birth Certificate but it looked wrong, it said that my name was Stephanie Marie Sinclair and that I was born a girl at St.Thomas Hospital. “That’s not possible, I was born in England and my name is…” I could not remember my name! I suddenly felt like crying, what is happening to me? I regained my composure and continued to look through the papers, I found the deed to the house but it was under Stephanie Sinclair. “Well at least I still own the house.” I told myself. I found some other papers that I did not remember putting in the box.

I looked them over, it was a copy of my grandfathers will, I remembered when he died it was three days ago but why did I have the will? I thought everything had gone to my Uncle; he had manipulated my grandfather in his last years and had tricked him into willing him all his fortune. My uncle was a greedy man and would do anything to get his hands on money, ever screw over his own family for it. I read the will and it stated that I or should I say Stephanie was the sole and rightful heir to all his estate. I read it further and had noticed that it originally had been given to my uncle but there was a clause added just days before his death that all his estate would go to his first granddaughter. My mind suddenly opened up and I was flooded with memories of being with my grandfather as a little girl, how I played with him and how I stayed with him and grandma for the summers when I was a little girl. I remembered consoling grandpa when grandma died and helping him when no one else bothered too.

These memories felt so real like they really happened but I also felt like they were all just dreams, all of this was just a dream. I could not shake the notion that I was a man and not the girl that I could so easily feel with my hands. I continued to look through the papers trying to find anything that said that I was not what I appeared to be, but there was nothing. I sighed and sat down in the chair and felt memories come to me, this was grandpa’s chair he would sit here for hours working. I smiled as I remembered running into the den and jumping on his lap begging him to play with me which he always did. He always had time for me and we would spend hours playing tea party or having him teach me how to paint with watercolors. I started to cry and curled up in the chair, I missed him so much, and he was more of a father to me than my real father. I regained my composure; these memories were getting to be too vivid, how could I remember something that never happened? I never really knew my grandfather; my father would try to keep me away from him telling me he was a drunk and a mean old man.

The conflicting memories were tearing me apart, part of me wished I was the girl I appeared to be but part of me knew that this could not be real. I was a man, not a young girl, although I had always wished to be closer to my grandfather but not as a girl! There has to be some sort of explanation to all of this, “My uncle, he should know after all he was supposed to get my grandfathers estate to start with.” I told myself. I looked at the clock on the mantel and saw that it was almost six am. “If I get dressed now I could make it to my uncles house before he leaves for work.” I thought and ran up the stairs back to my room. The memories of playing in this house came to me as I ran and I had to stop for they were growing in strength. This was my grandfather’s house! The reason it looked so familiar was because I spent every summer here with him and grandma! I looked at where I had stopped and I was just in front of the door to the master bedroom, grandpa’s room!

I slowly opened the door hearing it creak as it moved, I hesitantly entered the room feeling the power that was in the room. It was just like I remembered it when I was a little girl; I continued to enter the room feeling like I was being drawn into it. The memories hitting me with more frequency and power with each new memory a little of my old memories would leave. I saw the bed and remembered seeing grandpa laying on it as he died; I was the only one besides him in the room. I took his hand and he looked at me and tried to smile his old heart was having trouble keeping him strong enough to smile. His look was one of love and adoration I could feel his love towards me and I squeezed his hand showing him that I was returning his love. My eyes started to tear up but he spoke faintly telling me not to cry, that he would always be with me and that he would make my life better. Then he closed his eyes and he was gone. I fell to my knees crying wishing for him to return, I closed my eyes and when I opened them again I was alone in the room, it was all a memory.

I got up using the bed as leverage, still feeling weak I sat on the bed and felt more memories coming to me. I remembered arguing with my father telling him that he was wrong that grandpa was not a drunk and a mean person, that he was the one who was the drunk. I remember being hit by him, I tried to defend myself but he was stronger than me. He beat me till he ran out of strength then left me there on the floor to slowly bleed to death; if it wasn’t for my mother I probably would have died right there. Three months I was in the hospital and when I got out I never returned home, I left running away. These were memories I knew were real for I was a boy in them, I remember living on the streets begging for money and trying to avoid being raped by the other bigger street kids. I had always wished to know my grandfather and had tried on several occasions to get to him. I had finally managed to scrape enough money together to board a bus and take the trip to see him.

I had gotten there just after everyone else had left and I snuck into the house and up to his room without anyone seeing me. He was dying his heart was giving out he had tried his whole life to bring the family together but they were only interested in money, mainly his money. I remember walking up to his bed afraid that he would not know who I was, I was dirty and smelly. He looked up at me and smiled, he could not talk for he was so weak but I could see that he knew who I was. He reached up and I gave him my hand, he tried to squeeze it but it felt more like a twitch but I knew what he wanted and I squeezed his hand in return. I felt so comfortable with him and I started to cry telling him that I loved him and that I wished that I would have been able to know him better. He gathered up enough energy to tell me it was ok and to tell him all about myself.

I did not hesitate and I told him all about myself and what my father had done and where I was living now. He looked sad when he heard what his son had done to his only grandchild and cried a little, I wiped his tears telling him that it was OK that I was fine and that I would be OK. He smiled again and signaled for me to lie down with him in his bed. I had not been in a bed in several months, and not one this soft since I had run away years earlier. I spent the last three days of his life with him and despite his weak health I did learn a lot about him. There were times when I had to hide from people who cared for him and from my father who came just to see if he had died yet, I so wanted to beat him like he had done to me but I had learned from my grandpa that it was better to love than to hate so I stayed hid. I remembered seeing his lawyer come into the room but I was not able to hear what he had said to him.

As the memory faded it came to me, grandpa had made my life better even if I was now a girl it was better. He had changed my life with his last breath giving me a live with happy memories full of love. I looked towards the head of the bed and I could have sworn I saw him laying there smiling at me and I felt calm and comfortable with being a girl. I was Stephanie Marie Sinclair and I was a girl, I now remembered everything, my first kiss with a boy, losing my virginity and then losing my heart to a wonderful man. He had all the qualities that my grandfather had and I smiled remembering him. I got up off the bed and returned to my room, it was still early and I could go back to bed and sleep in. It was Saturday morning and I always slept in on Saturdays.