Off The Deep End ~ Part 1

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My name is Susan Donnelly, and this is the story of what I did during vacation last summer and what was done to me, and it's all true. I mean you can see how I'm different. The doctors couldn't explain how I could disappear for a week and come back turned into a girl but I can, even if it sounds insane to people. "Trauma induced hallucination" is what Dr. Morris called my story...

Like I am so traumatized! This is what I always wanted. But they're going to believe whatever they believe, and not me apparently. It didn't help that Mom and Dad didn't back me up about most of it, but I can understand how they wouldn't want people to think our whole family is nuts. Because with the time-travelling pirates, the space aliens and everything, it was like reality itself had gone...


Laika Pupkino 2010



)))========> VACATION

I didn't think we were going to ever get to go on our vacation. We had bought the RV, which was brand new and you could still smell the stuff they'd used to glue down the carpet that mom picked out when we got it, and we were going to spend most of the summer touring the east coast from where we live in Delaware down through Florida and and then in along the gulf clear to Corpus Christi Texas, but two things happened.

First Dad kept having to work a lot, which was no big surprise. He'd cleared the vacation time already but there kept on being these all crisises at Zevon Plastics, and the number of places we'd visit on our road trip kept getting cut back as the date we were supposed to leave on kept getting pushed forward.

The second thing that happened was I decided I needed to come out to them. Which means saying "Mom, Dad, you better sit down. I got something to say..." and then telling them all about me being transgendered, which I knew was going to be a big huge deal to them, but what I didn't think of was how this would suddenly mean we couldn't go on vacation.

It was the first time I ever said anything to anyone about the girl I was inside, and I was scared spitless to do it, but I knew I had to. To not do it wasn't just like living a lie but like BEING one, if you get what I mean. But now instead of visiting alligator farms and old Civil War battlefields all through June and July I was getting all these weird lectures and interrogations, like how it must have been my gay friend Tommy who talked me into this---Wasn't it? WASN'T IT?---and then being drug to all these doctors to make me see I just had to get over this crazy stupid idea that I must of caught from somewhere (nevermind that little "phase" I went through when I was the princess from every Disney cartoon I watched, before I learned that these weren't proper sorts of games and fantasies for little boys, or at least not to talk about...); but Mom and Dad couldn't seem to find a bad enough doctor. After a lot of tests and counselling and them looking at my blood, the ones I got took to wound up telling THEM what they didn't want to hear instead of me; and then there was even more trips to the head shrinker, which my dad says was coming out to cost like five dollars a word, when all I needed was to cut my hair and start acting normal and find a girlfriend.

But so finally it was getting down to the last week before I went back to school, or not back because I was headed for 10th grade at Gene Pittney High School; and finally my dad decided to hell with it, it was now or never, we had just enough time to drive straight down to Florida and spend a week there, telling them at work that he needed this time to be with his wife and SON (making sure I heard that); So yeah our vacation was pretty tense and weird. Dad's knuckles looked like they'd squeeze right through the steering wheel when Mom would forget to be all horrified about me and her I got to chattering "like hens", he called us.

But then instead of acting irritable and sarcastic he just sort of shut down. By the time we got to Florida and made our first stop there at Bokonon Bay State Beach, it seemed like he was just going through the motions. Taking the park ranger's tour and hearing about the Smythetown Colony that had been here for a while, and Bokonon Bay's history as a pirate hideout---which was just the kind of thing he loved, history and all that ("Right over there where the Beachcomber Drive-In Theater now stands is where the notorious pirate Marion 'Three Fingers' Mutton met his end back in 1713, when-")---but he wandered away right in the middle of it. And when Mom and I got back to the RV he was on the computer, looking at long lists of little numbers that had to be about his work...

I decided to get out of there, where the vibes were like radioactive or something and go down to the beach. I put on my trunks, thinking some day it might be a bikini, and that if I did have one I actually could pass as a skinny flatchested girl, even now. Passing is what they call it when you put on girl's clothes and nobody sees a boy, but to me it's a stupid word. Like you're trying to pass yourself off as what you're not, when that's not what it seemed like to me at all. If I was ever "passing" like that it was with what I was doing now, with dressing and trying to act like a boy to keep everyone but me happy.

I grabbed my towel and Mp3 player and my bottle of Screen n' Tan, and my mom made me take our little travel alarm with me so I'd remember to turn over and not get burned. The campground's beach was crowded and not very nice, but then I started walking south, around the bend in the shore and then there was this chain fence that was easy to wade out around, and from there the beach was as perfect as a postcard with a bunch of palm trees and everything, and totally empty. I unrolled my blanket and lay on it, thinking about my life. I wasn't going to go back to school as Susan in September, I'd agreed to take it slow and just go see the shrink for another year, in which time I hoped my body wouldn't change too much in the ways I didn't want.

The Florida sun felt good, and I fell asleep forgetting all about mom's little clock and probably would have got sunburned but after maybe twenty minutes I woke up when I heard talking and felt these shadows blocking out the sun. And that's when I saw the pirates all gathered around me in a circle and grinning down at me real nasty...

)))========> TIME BANDITS

They looked sort of like the pirates you see in the movies, and for a second I thought maybe they were making one around here, until I saw that their clothes were way too ratty for this, and their teeth were all fungus-y and they stunk like goats!

"Excuse me Miss," said the big one, and then when I rolled over he said, "I mean Young Sir. Allow me t' introduce myself. I am Captain Marion Mutton of the Invincible, and me and me mateys here seem ter be lost."

I noticed the last two fingers of his left hand were completely missing. He was smiling and being all polite, taking off his big Cap'n Crunch hat to me, but he was still scary. You could see he was a killer, and some of these others seemed even worse. He told me he was looking for the village of Smythetown, because him and his "confederates" were "up for a bit of pillagin'".

I told him what I remembered the park ranger saying, that it used to be up the beach a ways, but they gave up on it about 250 years ago after a big malaria outbreak.

"Blast and damnation!" he yelled, "We're in the future again! I told that wooden-headed navigator to steer us north o' Bermuda. I'll keelhaul th' son of a whore!"

"But some o' that future booty is mighty fine," said the fat one, "Them little doohinkels from our last comin' here brought us a pretty penny!"

"Until the accursed things stop working! The Governor of San Lorenzo wants my head for sellin' him that Sonicky Hedgehog toy that aren't but a brickbat now. I wan't GOLD, damn it! Silver even. Something ye don't have to figure out or explain, or that'll get ye burnt fer witchcraft! And witchery all this may be. There's a wrongness to this place. It gives me the horripilations to be traipsin' where me own skeleton could be layin' right under me feet! Let's just take what we've found here and be gone."

Which meant I was being robbed. This was fine with me if they would all just go away. I showed him how to work my Mp3 player. He listened to Pink's STUPID GIRL, grinning and snapping his fingers to the music like he'd just invented doing this, then put it into the bag on his belt. He loved my beach blanket with the tigers on it, which he tied around his neck like a cape.

But he what he seemed to like best was my little alarm clock. "Fancy that! Our very own ship's clock, just like the King's navy! Countin' our young friend here, I'd esteem this a fine haul."

"You're takin' him?" asked the tall skinny one, who seemed to be his second in command, "Why a stiff breeze'd like to blow him down! A whelp like him ain't cut out for a life at sea. "

Captain Mutton smiled, "That he ain't, Long John O'Flannel. And thanks be t' the Heavens fer that! With his fair phiz and his willowy build he'll make a fine lass! Is one in his heart already, I surmise'."

"I ken yer surmisin'," smiled O'Flannel after he thought about this a bit, "E's near pretty enough as it is."

"You really think so?" I asked even as I kicked myself for it, pleased by the compliment in spite of how scared I was.

"Just look at 'im smilin' and blushin'. This fair creature has a maid's own heart, or I'm a flea ridden coney! The elixer should work like a charm on this one!"

"And if I don't want to go?" I asked.

Suddenly the sharp tip of the captain's sword was against my throat, spilling exactly one drop of my blood, and his eyes were all fierce and full of rage.

I told him, "O.K., I was just wondering!"

"Curb your wonderin', hoyden, and we shall get along fine," said Captain Mutton, smiling in a way that wasn't nice at all as he put away his sword.

We all climbed into the little boat, and two of them rowed us out toward the bigger ship parked out in the bay. I knew this was probably the best time for me to try and get away. Close enough to swim to shore if I jumped overboard right now, and these home-made looking pistols they had were the type that had to be stuffed with powder and reloaded after each shot. But one could still put a hole through you if you got hit, so I stayed put.

I asked, "So what's this elixer stuff?"

"'Tis a compound from the mysterious East, what works on the flesh of them like you, whose body and soul ain't in accordance with each other and the cosmic-" he stopped, "Now how did the old Chinaman put it, again?"

"But Cap'n," said Long John, "Kiki didn't turn out so good when he took that stuff!"

"Aye! But you remember what the yeller feller told us. The elixer will only work right on a catamite with a true heart and a maiden's purity. Poor Kiki had the heart of a devil, and we all know'd he warn't no maiden," said Captain Mutton and they all laughed. He turned to me, "Tell me, uh..."

He didn't know my name. I gave him my girl name, which made him smile real big.

"Tell me Susan, is yer maidenly honor intact?"

"I guess I'm pretty honorable," I told him, "So I'm going to be like cooking and stuff for you guys?"

"Aye, a bit. When there's better fare than hardtack t' be had. And mending garments," he said, poking his finger through a tear in his shirt to show me, "But your main duties will be providin' womanly companionship. A pirate's life is anears perfect fer rapscallions like us. But it's hard on a man spendin' months at sea without the comforts of the fair sex."

"You're asking me to be your girlfriend? I think you're nice and everything but I don't even know you," I said, hoping this wouldn't send him flying off into a rage.

"That will change lass, after the elixer's worked its magic and I've bedded ye tonight," he smiled, letting me know what I already knew. He was talking about sex, and he wasn't asking. "And you'll be my 'girlfriend' as you put it, all day each Sunday, and elsewise as th' need may arise. But as fer the rest of the time, well ........ Part of th' code we pirates live by is that we share and share alike!"

My pulse was pounding in my head as I looked around the dinghy. The other men were smiling at me, like cats at some mouse they'd cornered. And all along the railing of the sailing ship now looming over us were more men, and they were all smiling down at me the same nasty way. Suddenly I started seeing spots, and as I got dizzier I kept seeing more and more of them until they were crowding out my view of the bottom of the boat, which seemed to be rushing up at me-

)))========> THE INVINCIBLE

When I woke up I was alone and it was night. I was below decks, but I could see the sky outside the little window was black and full of stars, and small room I was in was dark too, with just this one little lamp in a brass cage making a puddle of yellowy light around itself. I was in a huge fancy bed, not some little bunk or a hammock like I expected from the movies. It all but filled the little room, leaving just enough room for a couple of pirate chests that turned out to not have treasure in them but clothes and other regular stuff.

I was dressed in this beautiful pink and white gown that might have come right out of my mom's DVD of Dangerous Liasons. I'd never worn anything that was silk before, and just about everything I had on now was silk. It felt nice!

The top part was like a vest that hugged me tight, with little half sleeves poking out that just covered the tops of my shoulders, and seemed made for someone who had more of a bust than I had, which was none. The bottom was full of petticoat things that crinkled noisily when I moved it, which I had to do to see the legs, which were in silk stockings with velvet slippers on them. My hair had been curled somehow and put up in a way that went with the outfit (which one of these mangy pirates knew how to do this?) except I didn't like the dumb little flat brimmed hat with the feathers and bows all over it.

When I went to the little round mirror on the wall I saw that my face was made up like a china doll, totally white with little red lips and pink cheeks. Very pretty in a totally fake looking kind of way. I went to touch my cheek, but didn't want to muss up whatever they'd used. Wow, I thought, that's me!

It was the first time I was completely dressed as a girl, and not the hurried half-way thing I did a few times when my mom was at the store (You might think I would've done more of this sort of thing before telling my parents I was transgendered, to maybe make sure; but somehow I was already as sure as a person can be about something). None of what I had on was anything I'd ever thought about before looking through the Macy's catalogue, but I liked it. It was so totally girly! But what kept me from jumping up and twirling around in the little space next to the bed all happy was the knowledge of where I was.

This was his room. His bed. And what he said about his plans for me just scared the piss out of me! I might have turned out to like Captain Marion eventually if I'd had any say in all this. He was handsome, and seemed like he could be charming when he wasn't hacking people's heads off, though he sure needed a bath. But the way he was doing this, acting like he owned me and not giving me any choice was just so wrong and horrible it made me sick to my stomach...

I thought about my parents. They must be freaking out from the way I disappeared, imagining God knows what had happened, and I knew they would have every cop in the county out beating the bushes for me, and maybe even dragging Bokonon Bay for my body!

I had to get out of here, before we got to the Bermuda Triangle and went back in time! If I could steal that little landing boat of theirs I would, would take my chances out in the ocean in that. But I probably couldn't even get out of this room. The door here had to be locked...

It wasn't. I stepped through onto a little balcony looking out over a long dark room that was more like what I expected from the movies. I crept quietly down the steps and past the rows of double-decker bunks full of zonked out pirates, who were snoring and muttering "Arrrrrrrr!" in their sleep, closer and closer toward another steep stairway---practically a ladder---that led through a hole in the ceiling and out of the bowels of the ship.

But at the foot of these stairs was what must have been a guard, sleeping in a chair with his legs across the steps, blocking it. And I didn't even get very close before he snapped awake, smiling cheerfully at me and then calling up the stairs, "She's awake!"

He motioned for me to climb the ladder thing ahead of him, which I did. It was kind of awkward with all these petticoats and the slippers that kept trying to fall off my feet. The next long dark room had three cannons on each side, each pointed toward its own little window, and another ladder that went up toward where the moon hung above me, where the captain took my arm and helped me up and out onto the main deck. Above us stood three tall masts, their puffed out canvas sails glowing dully in the moonlight.

"Ya slept longer than I expected, my dear," said Three Fingers Mutton, "I trust ye found our humble accomodations suitable?"

I said yes, and he asked me the same thing about my dress and stuff, apologizing if it wasn't the latest fashion from Paris.

"Oh no, I like it! It's pretty," I told him, and looked around to see how I might escape, "And this is an awesome ship you got here."

The landing boat was hanging over the deck at the ship's stern, hanging from ropes and pulleys between a pair of heavy beams. I saw that even if I could do it by myself it would take me a while to get it clear down into the water. No, I wouldn't be escaping any time soon.

Captain Mutton's acting so concerned about my comfort made this even worse. Like sugar coating it by being all nice could make what he was planning for me anything but rape, not to mention what he said about "sharing" me with his homies. This really made me feel like I wasn't even a person anymore but just some thing they'd decided they could do anything they wanted with. I started to cry.

He grabbed me in a hug, telling me it would be all right and all that garbage, like he was the cure and not the cause of me crying, and could make it better; when my skin was crawling from having his arms around me and this sick feeling was at a point where I thought I might throw up all over him. And if I did maybe he would go nutso and kill me right there, which seemed like it might be the best thing that could happen...

But just then someone climbed up out of the hatch and came across the deck toward us, and he let me go. He joked, "Susan, this cross-eyed overglorified barber is our ship's surgeon, Jick. Did ye bring the elixer, Jick?"

"Aye," said Jick, patting the pocket of his coat. He looked like the rest of the crew except just a tad cleaner and he was wearing a funny shaped pair of glasses with frames made of iron.

There was somebody---something---following a few steps behind him as he came across the deck in the darkness. It was like a hunchback gorilla wearing a tattered dress that showed a lot of furry cleavage, only as it got closer I saw that it was built wrong for a gorilla, way too skinny, and its face was all wrong too.

It stared at us, seeming to understanding what was going on and hating me and them, and somehow I knew: IT USED TO BE HUMAN!

I screamed!

"Don't worry Susan, that's only Kiki," said the captain, putting his arm around my shoulder and ordering sternly, "Kiki, you unholy wretch, go make yerself useful! Go swab th' deck 'r somethin'!"

The Kiki-thing showed her long sharp teeth and lumbered off, filling a wooden bucket with water from a barrel, then she grabbed a mop and started mopping the wooden deck like some cleaning woman from Planet of the Apes, glancing over at us every so often, her eyes just burning with resentment.

The captain joked, "Kiki has taken a singular fancy to you Jick, followin' yeh everywhere ye go! Ye'd think she'd blame you for what happened to her."

Jick pulled out what looked like a small brandy bottle, "It's not me she fancies Captain, it's this. She reasons that another go at this nostrum might bring her to rights. I hate to think what might happen fer fact."

When Jick pushed the bottle into my hand I stammered, "You expect me to drink this after what it did to her?"

"If ye have truly never lain with a man ye should be quite happy with the changes it'll bring!" said Three Fingers, "T'will make ye as comely and finely turned as that poor beast is hideous. Now drink it, I say! One way or another ye'll be learnin' the feminine virtues of silence and obedience---to trust in the decisions of yer God-adjudged betters---and ye'll look back in shame at this waywardness ye be showin'!"

As bad as I wanted to I didn't say anything about that. Sneakily, Kiki was dragging the mop closer and closer to us, wanting to see what would happen to me. A cluster of sailors had come up from below decks and they were watching me too.

Fighting down my fear I uncorked the bottle and lifted it toward my mouth, telling mysef that if this stuff worked right I'd have what I always dreamed of. And as far as becoming their sex toy, I'd put up with that---I would have to---but would get off this damn boat the first chance I got. I pictured myself making my way to London and starting a life there. I would patent the steam engine, the electric generator, the Edison light bulb, anything else that was simple and I knew how it worked, and with the money I got I would hire a small navy to hunt down the Invinceable and kill every last one of these motherfu-

There was a blur and the bottle was gone from my hand. Kiki had lept at us, and in the next split second she had the captain's saber in one hand and the bottle in the other. She drank all the elixer in one gulp and spiked the bottle onto the deck, smashing it! Then she let out a horrible hateful scream that wasn't like anything I'd ever heard and came running at me with the saber.

Someone had tossed the Captain a sword and he starting fighting with the thing, which was the only thing that gave me time to get away. I jumped up and climbed this net thing leading up into the rigging. I lost my velvet slippers pretty quick, but barefoot was better anyway. When I got to the big crosspiece that the bottom sail hung from I stopped to glance down.

The Captain's sword had been smashed by the saber and he was holding his bleeding shoulder and swearing, but Kiki hadn't taken the time to kill him. She was coming up the rigging after me!

I'd came up here because I didn't want to get cornered down inside the ship by this crazy ape-thing in a dress, but seeing how she could climb I knew now this was a major mistake! As I scrambled higher and higher I saw she was slowing down behind me, and could hear her whimpering horribly as she began to swell up like some hairy water balloon, but she was still coming after me with that saber in her hand and murder in her eyes!

Above the yardarm of the top sail was a little platform with a rail around it, and this was as high as I could go. Way up here the back and forth motion of the deck was like amplified, so that I was actually over the water part of the time. I climbed up onto the rail around the crow's nest holding onto the mast, which was scary enough just to stand on, let alone what I was planning to do. It was that scene you've seen in a hundred movies, where it's too far for anyone to jump but it's the only choice they have.

When Kiki's swollen furry-fingered paws came into view over the floor of the platform I jumped, hoping the skirt of this thing might act as kind of a parachute.

I dropped like a rock. As I fell I heard an ungodly scream above me and then this loud horrible wet explosion, and then all the pirates on the deck going "EEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!" as I plummeted past them and the side of the hull. If what I thought just happened really had I was happy I didn't see it, and it was another reason to be glad I didn't try the elixer stuff! I pointed my toes down as the side of the ship went past me and hit the water.

My skirts all got yanked up around me, turning me into like a banana inside its peel, which maybe kept the impact from knocking me out as I plunged down through the water like an arrow. I fought my way up toward the surface---at least I hoped I was headed the right way!---chucking off my clothes as I went.

Poor Kiki, I thought as I swam through the dark water, what a horrible end to a horrible life!

And O.K. I know she tried to kill me and everything but I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. She'd started out a boy like me, wanting the same thing I wanted, but there was no gender surgery back in the time she came from, or if there was you wouldn't want it; and then they'd promised her they could fix her with that potion, getting her hopes up and probably not warning her about the side effects, and then she turned into a horrible monster! I think if that happened to me I would've gone a little crazy too...

I still had a couple of the long skirts on when my head broke through and I breathed the wonderful, wonderful air. After pulling off the last of my clothes I waved and hollared for the ship to come back and get me.

Captain Mutton was at the railing on the Invinceable's stern. It was dark but I could tell him by his big sideways hat, which he lifted off his head and sort of bowed. Sorry! Tough luck, kid!

They didn't turn around for me or even slow down. Without the elixer I was just a boy in a dress. Of all the pirates I could've hooked up with I had to find a bunch that had scruples about that sort of thing...



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It's odd to feel good for a kid who just fell overboard

but I'm awfully glad Susan's safely away from that peril! Great stuff and please let's see part two as quicky as possible! Thanks

She was born for all the wrong reasons, but grew up for all the right ones
With much love and affection, Andrea Magdalena DiMaggio

She was born for all the wrong reasons, but grew up for all the right ones
With much love and affection, Andrea Magdalena DiMaggio

At least Kiki has been put out of his misery

Sad to say, that potion would have worked on me fine at his age too.