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Thomas: "You know you're a woman, right? Your Y chromosome doesn't make you a man?"

Anne: "Of course it doesn't."

T: "And your testes didn't make you a man?"

A: "Certainly not."

T: "Well, what is it that makes you a woman then?"

A: <taking offense>"Well, I look like one, don't I?"

T: "Hm, yes, so does RuPaul."

A: <indignantly>"He's got a penis. I don't have a penis."

T: "Would you feel the same if you learned someday that you'd had what could be taken as a penis at birth but that it had been quietly surgically corrected so as not to cause you distress later on?"

A: "Um - actually I know someone like that, in my on line AIS support group. PAIS it's called. P for 'partial.' I suppose that was rather insensitive of me."

T: "So what is it that makes you female then?"

A: "I - I don't know. But I know I'm female!"

T: "Of course you do. Just as I know I'm female. Who you are is in the mind, not the body."

A: "I suppose it is."

T: "But since my body responds fully to androgens I don't look like one. You've had to deal with discovering that the medical establishment considers you genetically male in spite of everything you've ever believed or been told about yourself. That must have been terribly upsetting."

A: <glaring>"To put it mildly."

T: "Sorry, I don't mean to minimise your pain in any way."

A: <softening a bit>"All right."

T: "But can you imagine what it would be like to go through life looking male, with everyone constantly assuming you're male and telling you you're male, when your inner voice insists you're female?"

A: "I don't know if I can."

T: "I mean, suppose everyone could see your chromosomes with as little difficulty as seeing your genitals, and decided that was the proper way to determine your sex, so you'd been classified as male since birth and brought up as a boy. Maybe even quietly surgically 'corrected' to look the part down there."

A: "I suppose I might have been rather upset at puberty when my breasts and hips began to grow."

T: "Hm. Or you might have been relieved to finally have objective proof of what you'd been feeling inside all those years."

A: "I suppose that's possible too."

T: "All the available evidence leans heavily toward that possibility."

A: "Does it?"

T: "Yes."

A: "All right then."

T: "Now suppose medical interventions were available to overcome your body's androgen insensitivity, and your parents quietly had you treated under some pretext or another so that you had a normal male puberty and you never had that objective proof."

A: <outraged>"Oh!"

T: "Now shift it just a bit. Suppose it wasn't your doctor and your parents who made those choices for you; suppose instead it was your own body that betrayed you."

A: "Well, but... I suppose I'd have to conclude that my inner voice was wrong and I really was male after all."

T: "Quite possible. So do you think your inner voice would just quietly shut up and go along with it? After all you'd already had people telling you for years and years, and even beating you up if you ever showed any sign of how you felt, even unwittingly, and that hadn't been enough to shut it up. "

A: <beginning to look a bit sympathetic>"I suppose not. I'd probably end up seeing a therapist to help me work it out. I did when I found out about my Y chromosome."

T: "Yes. And what do you suppose that therapist would recommend as treatment, after many months or years of expensive counseling and diagnosis?"

A: "I've no idea."

T: "The only treatment known to work in such cases is to medically alter the body to align with the mind's perception of itself."

A: "You mean a sex change?"

T: "That's what it's commonly called, but you're not changing the sex of the person, are you? If I were to undergo such treatment I'd know I was female before and I'd know I was female after. The only difference is that after, my body would look female and with a bit of effort on my part and some luck I could be accepted by the world as female. Just as you are."

A: <gently, seeing bittersweet, wistful look on T's face>"Then why don't you?"

T: "Because I made a choice a long time ago. Like you, I've always adored babies. Of course I mostly had to pretend I didn't, because boys aren't supposed to. But I did. And I decided that given the choice between having the body I was supposed to have, but mostly being rejected and seen as a freak for it (because that was how I was led by the media to believe it would turn out), or having a body I didn't want but that people could accept and on top of that being able to one day hold my own babies..."

A: <looks regretful, eyes getting moist>

T: <gently apologetic>"I'm sorry, I should've thought before I spoke. But - well, even then the choice wasn't as easy as it sounds, but this is what I chose."

A: <wipes away tear>"Couldn't you still do it now?"

T: "I could, but having made the choice I did, along the way I made certain commitments I won't break. Not out of a feeling of obligation, though there is that too, but because I don't regret those commitments. They came at a high price, one I continue to pay daily, but worth the bargain. And I protect the ones I love, even from my inner demons. Still, I often wonder..."

A: "...How things would've come out if you'd made the other choice?"

T: <nods>

A: "What if you could do it and still fulfill those commitments? Still protect your loved ones?"

T: <looking alarmed>"Don't even get me hoping that might be possible. That way lies madness."

A: "All right, I can see where it probably isn't. But just what if?"

T: "Well of course I would. In a heartbeat." <sighs> "But I can't have my cake and eat it too."

A: <looks thoughtful, wistful>"I'm not sure whether or not to envy you."

T: "What? Why would you envy me?"

A: "I never had the choice."

T: <catching on, feeling stupid and insensitive>"Oh."

A: "After what you've told me I'm not sure whether to feel resentful, or relieved."

T: "I don't know what to tell you. I'm not sure whether or not to envy you. Grass is greener, I suppose."

A: "I suppose."

T: "Anyway if you want to envy someone don't waste your time on the likes of me. Plenty of people in the world who never had to face any of this."

A: "Good point. Guess I'll just stick to envying my sister."

T: "You and me both."